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My ex suddenly discarded me 6 weeks ago, after claiming I was the love of her life, the person she’s been waiting for all her life, her soulmate - complete idealization.
Something shifted for her when I was visiting her on our last visit (I had triggered abandonment when I went out for a walk to ease the tension during our visit).
She said she wasn’t in love anymore, but she still loved and cared about me deeply. She also said she was attracted to me and that I was the perfect partner... .but it just wasn’t working for her.

I had a weak moment and contacted her last week. She stated in hindsight it’s clear - she wasn’t sure what she wanted (this doesn’t make sense, as she was pushing and pushing for me to relocate to her her city and she couldn’t imagine a life without me).
She also said she loved me but couldn’t picture a future together. She was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me.

It was cruel and completely the opposite to what she stated throughout the entire relationship - it’s almost as if she doesn’t remember the what she expressed to me or how she adored and loved me throughout our relationship.

She still looks at my social media posts/stories. But does not talk to me anymore. She stated she hoped I could move on and find happiness during our last message exchange last week.

Any thoughts? Did she just shut down and discard?

It could be a ploy to see how you will react, a test of how much you care to start chasing after her.

Do you know if she has moved on with someone new? I rarely hear of a discard that doesnt involve leaving to another relationship that has been waiting in the sidelines.

I had asked her if there was anyone else and she denied. It’s been 6 weeks now since she discarded me, so I’m not sure if she’s found someone new now?
She had stated when she was breaking up with me that she felt she was meant to be alone. She said she had everything she had wanted in a partner in me and still couldn’t make it work... .so I don’t believe there was someone waiting on the sideline.

Initially after the breakup, I had emailed her, pouring my heart out and she did not reply. It was if she became disinterested overnight and didn’t care anymore.

When I sent her an angry message last week, letting her know how much she hurt me and that she detached and discarded me because I felt I no longer fit the picture perfect vision she had of me in her head, she responded coldly that she was sorry she made me think she wanted a life with me. She told me she wasn’t in love and couldn’t picture a future together because our approaches to life were different.
She was perfectly happy spending a lifetime together and planning our future weeks before, and suddenly, it’s like she flipped a switch and she didn’t feel anything for me anymore

Is there any way you could find out, such as via her facebook or via mutual contacts, it would at least solve part of the puzzle to make sense out of.

im sorry she has behaved like this "out of nowhere", I can relate I know how it feels. Please try to spend some time to keep your mood up because at this moment in time there is little to be gained by trying to make sense of it all. There is even the chance you will hear from her again so be prepared.

It doesnt make any sense to me, with the highest likelihood that she has found someone else, I doubt out of nowhere she suddenly found the urge to be alone. That could just be keeping a door slightly open with you in case the new doesnt work out and all of a sudden being "alone" was just her in a bad place and needing space.

She never posts things on social media regarding her personal life - I was the only person she had posted pictures of (which is why I felt so special).

None of this makes sense to me either, however all I can think of when she said that she felt she couldn’t see a future together because we had “different approaches to life” was that I wasn’t successful enough for her. She has extremely high/unrealistic expectations and she became increasingly controlling with me. If I didn’t do something in an appropriate time, she would would he upset with me.
I was looking to relocate to her small city and was looking for jobs, but it was difficult for me, as I would be leaving my condo, and my family and friends behind, so I wasn’t acting quick enough for her.

Perhaps this played a role in the idealization/devaluing of me - I had human faults and couldn’t live up to her expectations, and therefore she became turned off?

When someone behaves in a completely illogical way and hurts us in the process, it's totally natural to wonder, "What the heck just happened?" and to search for answers to their behavior.  In our pursuit of answers, we often don't observe what's going on with us.

How do you feel about what's happened?  OK, now, I'm a typical guy, so if I were in your shoes I might be saying, "Seriously, dude, did you just ask me about feelings?"  But, strangely, and late in life, I learned that my feelings give me a much better read on where to go, and what action to take, than spending a ton of time rehashing her behavior or trying to fit the actions of someone with a personality disorder into a logical framework.

WW

Hi Cromwell,

I should also mention the fact that on my very last visit to her at the end of May, she had shut down emotional and mentally due to stress from work. It seemed as though she detached, but she still insisted she wanted me by her side. I should also note that she has decreased her depression/anti-anxiety medication by half to lose weight.
After a few days of her being distant, I told her I was going out for a walk to give her some space. She accused me of abandoning her and told me I wasn’t strong enough to be her partner. She even stated something shifted for her when I had left her in the apartment. She became full of rage and yelled that she hated me.

We had a long talk and I told her she was in a dark place and that she needed to talk to her therapist and increase her medication again.
I left to fly back home with her being loving and not wanting to lose me.

She saw her therapist the next day who suggested we take a break and go no contact.

Within a few days, I knew something changed. When she called the next week, she said she was happy alone, something had shifted and she fell out of love (but still loved me and was attracted to me). She said she hoped I could find happiness.

Last week, when I made contact, she said she was sorry for making me think she wanted a life with me. It was like we never existed and she forgot the bond and love we shared.

I’m so confused and hurt and don’t know how to stop feeling for someone who is so emotionally unstable and unwell.

Hi Wentworth,

I am absolutely devastated, distraught, blindsided, angry and hurt. It’s still hard to believe someone who continuously told me that life was better with me in it could just choose to shut down and walk away as if nothing happened.
It seems impossible that she could want nothing to do with me considering how loving, fun, light and easy our relationship was. She loved being together and never wanted to be apart.

I’m having a very difficult time believing she is gone. It seems like a terrible nightmare and that I will hear from her as soon as I wake up from this dream.

Be careful, like Cromwell said, it could be a test to see your reaction and how far you would go, it could be that she has found someone new.

When someone with BPD traits starts to act/talk contradicting you must be very careful what to believe.

Here's my experience. When my ex "broke up" with me I ended two days at her place cuddling/crying/laughing/debating and repeating that pattern for the whole weekend. She was even contradicting in just one sentence. She would say "I wish you a better gf, you better wish me the same, hey, who knows, maybe we will be back together in a few days" while kissing me like nothing happened last night. This was very contradictory for me and that's why I broke up with her the next day, I was afraid that she was actually saying "Wait if I can hook up with a new guy, if that doesn't work, I'll be back".

And yes, she also said that she won't enter a new relationship that I mean much to her and so on... .She denied whenewer I would say that she will end up with someone and I even mentioned some names. Few weeks after, she indeed ended up with every single person I've mentioned, even more... .And yes, she did enter a new relationship with someone else.

Maybe your situation is different, your ex is a different person, but have this in mind and be careful. Mine did try to hide from me that she is on the hunt for a new guy even when she told her friend that "she felt love" after we bumped into each other after the break up. A week later I saw her intimate with a person she never mentioned.
Be aware that they can be VERY contradict, they can say and mean two opposite things at the same time when they enter this phase.

Hi gilac,

When the feelings for my ex ‘shifted’ 6 weeks ago, she did not go back on what she stated. In fact, it seems to have gotten more clear for her that she couldn’t see a future with me (she said this last week when I reached out).
It was like she switched off and hasn’t looked back.
However - she has kept looking at my social media stories, which i find odd because she knows I can tell if she looks at them or not.

There is no way I would have guessed she would ever leave me - she always said she would be completely devastated if I ever left. 2 weeks before she ended the relationship, she said she had a dream I that left her for someone else. She woke up from the dream crying and didn’t sleep the rest of the night.

This woman was deeply invested in me and a future together. Within a week, she shut down and turned her back. She said she still cared for me and would probably always lust after me from afar, but something didn’t feel right so she had to move on.

Hi allbymyself7,


I'm sorry to hear that. That's really hurtful when she promised you that she wouldn't leave and you tell her that you'll always be there then she ends up doing what she said she wouldn't do. What do you mean by something didn't feel right, did she say what that something is?

Hi Mutt,

She couldn’t put her finger on what didn’t feel right 6 weeks ago, but last week when we messaged, she said our approach to life was different.
I’m assuming I was too laid back for her? I wasn’t successful enough for her... .or maybe I just had human faults and she began to devalue me?
She seemed to be very in love and completely attached the whole way through and suddenly she just felt like we were different.
It doesn’t make sense.

Mutt, I also believe that me going out for that walk to give her some space (and her subsequently feeling like abandoned her) made her feel like I could hurt her. She said something shifted for her that weekend.
I feel that perhaps that had something to do with her shift in feelinfs

Maybe she means you have different values when she said you two are different? Do you have the same goals in life? Something like you’re ready to settle down and have a family and she doesn’t want to have kids?

Yes, we had the same values, goals, wants, needs. She said I was everything she wanted in a partner but she said she couldn’t make it work.
She was so invested in building a life with me. She wanted a marriage, a child, a house, the trips. We constantly spoke of these things.
I believe I just didn’t measure up to her unrealistc expectations in the end. I’ve read that when pwBPD see a person’s faults, they devalue them.
Perhaps this is what happened? It just seems so sudden to have wanted a life with me and stating I was perfect for her... .to nothing.

This is just my opinion based upon my very similar experience insofar as being quickly discarded by my uBPDexgf.

Their love is not real. They say all sorts of things they don't mean in order to cultivate something. There is no way to try to make sense out of it. You can't rationalize something that's irrational. They are extremely selfish, shallow people. Our feelings and well-being mean little to nothing to them.

I truly believe that in the moment, it was real for her. She started becoming controlling when I wasn’t measuring up and then she quickly discarded and didn’t look back.
But yes, she did put me on a pedestal and told me I these were the best times of her life - I truly believed it.
Just as quickly as she turned it on, she turned it off.
It’s left me in pieces.

The same things were said to me, multiple times. "I will never leave you." She left me, multiple times.

It’s horrible how they don’t understand the future implications of their words and actions.
My psychologist told me she has narcissistic traits, which is why she had no empathy when she left. She also told me she wasn’t heartbroken when she was breaking up wIt’s me! What sane, rational human being would do that to someone they “cared” about?
My therapist also told me that when these people are dOne with the relationship, they are done and don’t feel anything.

This woman has absolutely traumatized me. I’m left here in pieces, wondering what happened to the future we were just planning... .

Not just the idealization, also the devaluation of other people. I also experienced that the people she talked bad about suddenly became better examples than me and she started to compare me to these people.

So, look deeper, if she had those dual thoughts (or it seems like that) for other stuff, other people etc. You'll may find the answer. Things became more clearer to me as soon as I started to compare, not just asking about that one particular thing.

And remember, their attitude depends on their feelings at the moment, not on the whole history with you. No matter what you did for her, if she has BPD traits, once she changes her mind all of the sudden it will not matter to her anymore. How are they capable of going like this I don't know, but it's a fact that this is their pattern, evidence is all across the boards.

Have all four eyes open in this situation.

gilac, you’re right. I think many of us initially fail to pay attention to the red flags that are before us because we are so fixated on the love and adoration we receive from them.
She made me the center of her world and wanted forever with me. I didn’t think I could meet a better match.

In hindsight, I should have paid closer attention to the fact that she stated exes had said she had a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality (I attributed this to her being a Gemini). I also should have paid closer attention to her saying that she could have a mean streak and always said something hurtful before someone could do it to her first.
I should have taken seriously that she said someone she had previously dated had said that she had dated her way through the city and that that’s the reason why she had to go online in search of long distance love.
These were all warning signs that I chose to ignore because I so badly wanted to believe she could never behave this way with me because I was “the best thing to ever happen” to her.

It’s difficult to believe you can be dropped in an instant with someone professes their undying love and devotion daily. That I’m the one they’ve waited for for 30-something years. She pushed and pushed so hard to have me move there to be with her.
This is never something I thought she would do.

I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling.  All breakups are hard but to be left so suddenly like that has to be deeply painful and confusing.  How long were you together?  Building dreams with someone for them to come crashing down unexpectedly is shocking.  After what has happened, would you want to rebuild given the chance or are you feeling like what she has done in behaving this way towards you has removed any desire to work on a r/s with her?  

6 weeks is only a short time after such a blow.  It's perfectly normal to feel very raw right now and be full of questions.  Our minds struggle to make sense of things that don't fit with what we might expect.  Were you already seeing your T prior to the breakup?  It's good that you have that support in place and also that you've reached out here.  I'd encourage you to read the articles to the right of your screen and involve yourself in others' threads too.  Everyone is in various stages of detaching and healing.  It helps to know you're not alone.  

Love and light x

Hi Harley Quinn,

Thank you for your message and thoughtful words.
We had been dating 7 months, however I had never felt like this toward anyone before (she said the same thing).

I have been in 3 long term relationships prior with partners that did not have symptoms of BPD. I had never felt this way with any of them like I did with this woman (who exhibited symptoms of BPD and NPD).
We both expressed we had met our soul mate, the love of our lives. It seemed like that t was a perfect fit. We had future plans - trips, me relocating to her city, we spoke of marriage next year. She never gave me any indication she had any doubts.

I had not been seeing a therapist prior to this abrupt breakup. I am now seeing a trauma psychologist to deal with the aftermath.
It still feels impossible that she is gone. She NEVER wanted to be apart... .and yet now, she chose to leave me and the love we had.

You're not the only one on this one really. Mine told me how much her grandmother would love me if she was still alive, and the asked if my parents would love her. We made plans for the summer and the future and things were super. The last date was beyond fantastic and as she left my car she told me that next week we're doing something. 1 week later she postpones the date, 2 weeks later she does it again telling me that she doesn't want me to think she's a flake. After that, I got 1 month of silent treatment out of the blue, and when I saw her she said that she wasn't looking for a relationship out of it. If you can solve my puzzle I can be thankful.

Yes, some people’s feelings can change like that, for reasons they don’t understand. It sounds like she was honest with you.  My ex reported a very similar devastating sudden shift, like a switch was thrown and try as he might — since he knew it was awful and that he had promised not to hurt me — he couldn’t switch it back.

There is sophisticated literature about why this happens, including on this site. It has virtually nothing to do with you ... .the reasons that come later are someone’s best effort to come up with a reason for a massive shift that doesn’t make logical sense within the frame of the relationship.

It DOES make sense if you understand psychology. People whose feelings shut down like this are dealing with subconscious protection strategies that are their own system’s reaction to past hurt/invasions/betrayals. These reactions are embedded at a level that seems outside the realm of conscious choice. Healing them requires intensive work and an incredible commitment to protracted discomfort over temporary self-gratification and self-soothing, something not too many people of any stripe in our society are up for.

I fully understand how shattering this is. My own story sounds very similar to yours and it came at a time in my life when I could ill afford it. Something that seemed important and true and trustworthy falling apart out of the blue did me a lot of damage.

Ultimately I recovered by centering these truths in my consciousness and forcing myself not to avoid them or look for ways around them: this DOES happen to some people who are dealing with unhealed trauma and it isn’t personal to me. Yet I have been terribly wounded and I am walking around with a major injury. It is going to hurt for a long time. I can’t change the other person and it’s highly unlikely that they have the wherewithal to get a grip on this themselves anytime soon. Thus I have no choice but to turn away from them as a solution to this hurt; I will have to find other sources of meaning solace and happiness. That can start very small ... .a book, absorbing TV show, small practices of walking, exercise, self-indulgences like massage and clothes and haircuts, new challenges. It won’t feel very good at first and will pale in comparison to what you thought you had. Later, the value of what comes next will deepen and it will feel a lot better.

You yourself are going through traumatic (sudden, unexplained) loss, which may be activating and interacting with past losses that you haven’t fully processed and cleared out. After a number of CBT therapy misfires which really didn’t get at the trauma reactions, I found much assistance in somatic (body based) trauma therapies: lifespan integration and sensorimotor psychotherapy are two variants.

Previous to this relationship I had no idea that people can and do destroy important good relationships for no apparent reason. I wasn’t prepared and had zero protection against this possibility. Since studying BPD and C-PTSD, watching my ex up close (we were in close touch off and on for years after he left me; he has repeated his cycle many times since and keeps wrecking good things, including our relationship several more times), and recently watching my own kid deal with traumatic injury by developing BPD-like reactions to guard against hurt (she explains her reasoning and it sounds a lot like my ex), I now accept that many people act dysfunctionally and harmfully to their bonds with others in order to guard against what their system perceives as a risk of unsurvivable hurt. There’s just not much you can do with that with a partner. As a mom, it’s my job to create conditions that may counteract those impulses, and I’m trying, but it’s a long long job even with a young person with a very dedicated well-informed loving parent. My ex didn’t have that and he learned terrible strategies for surviving in life. Your ex sounds similar.

My ex also had a therapist who recommended he not recommence with me. She reportedly told him he would certainly hurt me again. At the time this enraged me — that they would unilaterally make a decision that hurt me so much. But in retrospect I understand. Without profound work revisiting what they are using relationships for, these cycles nearly inevitably repeat. My ex chose not to do the work fully and he started up a doomed relationship with another woman after a few months, with a rationale about how actually maybe SHE was the one. Later he admitted he took the easier route. Point is: that was his possibly poor choice. If he had done the work and wanted to rejoin me in a relationship of integrity, I would have made room for his particular challenges and been patient (and clear). He didn’t make that choice. Hence, he is still wandering in the wilderness and is no longer a part of my life.

The psychology of BPD is very complex and counterintuitive. It isn’t as simple as something you were missing or did wrong. My ex was most emphatic about building walls with me when things were the most right. But it was what he felt he needed to do because that’s what his level of skill and insight left him with as a strategy for protecting and taking care of himself. It sucks. I’m so sorry.

Well said.
This is just the coping mechanism they learnt (mostly) because of bad upbringing they had. Anyone who immerses themselves into a romantic relationship with them embraces the whole thing emotionally, not noticing they just entered and will remain a small part in BPD's machinery. Then they just continue the way they always do, leave/change overnight, the partner who is full of emotions is left alone and shocked asking himself millions of questions.

We were all in this situation and it took some time to see the full picture. But, as you said, without understanding their behavior and that we shouldn't accept it personally (it has nothing to do with us, this is just their life the way it always was) there is no way to get some kind of closure and understanding of what had happened.

Patient and clear, thank you for your insight. It does indeed make sense, if in fact she does have BPD. However, BPD or not, someone who is able to ‘shift’ their feelings within a week, after planning a life together is not emotionally stable; it’s not something a healthy, stable and rational person would do.

I’ve had a difficult time not taking this personally. When she was breaking up with me, she was not emotional, but seemed rational and detached - almost as if she became disinterested in me overnight.
She said our approaches to life were different (and yet a week before she was still wanting me to move there).

As much as I understand that perhaps she was protecting herself or she devalued me (by focusing on my flaws), it’s still unimaginable to that someone who was so deeply invested and in love with me could just leave and not care whether she saw or spoke to me again.
Unlike many other relationships with a BPD, she has not cycled back.
I believe her feelings shifted and she was able to move on in days.

6 weeks is still a short time since discard.  There is the possibility she will yet be in touch again further down the line.  Some ex partners make contact after years.  My ex partner broke no contact after 12 months.  If she were to make contact, how would you feel? 

You've probably read about fear of abandonment being a struggle for sufferers of BPD.  There is also the fear of engulfment.  From what you've told us, there were high level plans in place, for moving together, marriage and so on.  It is quite possible that just as things were taking shape and becoming very real, she began to feel engulfed and felt the need to back away.  It's not uncommon for the reason given to be one that is used to explain what is in reality something entirely different at it's core.  In other words, a convenient excuse to end things when devaluation was already taking root under the surface.

Right now, you're probably feeling a lot of strong emotions and whilst there will continue to no doubt be burning questions, I'd encourage you to focus on yourself and your own well being.  What are you doing regards self care?  I became obsessive  in my search for answers as many of us do in the early stages and it can be easy to neglect our own physical and emotional needs during such a quest.  Try to prioritise spending time on soothing and restorative activities and or rest.  Some questions we must accept we may never get definite answers to, at least not from our ex partners.  I know how hard that is to digest.   

I'd like to share an article with you, which was an enormous help to me at the point I arrived here.  This is an excerpt:


You can read the rest of the article HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality) and I hope that it allows you to feel that you're not alone in how things played out between you.  Let me know if any of this article really resonates with you. 

Idealisation, devaluation and discard, especially so sudden a discard, can be a highly damaging process for the 'non' partner of a pwBPD and we are here to walk with you as you come to terms with what you've experienced.    

Love and light x

Hi Harley Quinn, if she were to make contact, I think it would be a struggle for me. There would definitely be a lack of trust.
However, I do think she is gone and moved on.
In our last conversation last week, she said she didn’t see a future together and was sorry for making me think she wanted this with me. She said that she hoped I could move on and find happiness.
Once someone has shifted like this, is it possible for them to shift back?

She went from one extreme, to another in a matter of days... .or perhaps , like you said, things were boiling under the surface for her. In any case, she made no indication that there were any doubts she wanted to be together. I was blindsided.

Hi allbymyself,


To answer your original post: my thoughts would be to try and get some distance. Don't let these contradicting words (or actions) completely control you.

I will give an example from my situation: when the devaluation suddenly started 1,5 years ago I was confused. Her actions didn't perfectly match her words anymore. Something felt a little off. I asked her about it, but she kept saying everything was perfectly fine. I chose to believe that as I didn't experience her devaluation before that.
Somewhat later her parents informed me that she was 'confused' and they asked me to take that into account. I just thought that was weird and vague, but couldn't see that statement separate from her slightly changing behaviour... .so my gut feeling told me to get some distance. Her parents immediately replied that absolutely wasn't what they (or she) wanted/had in mind. So I was confused... .
Two weeks later she told me the exact same thing: she made it absolutely clear as well that she did not want that.

I asked her several times to talk about this, because I thought this was horribly vague and confusing. But she always came up with an excuse, so we never had that talk.

After a while though, rumours started. And she was painting me black; telling her friends she clearly asked me not to contact her.

This went on for a while. Regardless of what I did or did not do, it got worse, it got better, it got worse again and several times things seemed absolutely 'normal' again. But after a soap opera of 2,5 years idealisation and 1,5 years of devaluation it still left me broken and utterly confused.

In hindsight, perhaps I should have listened to my gut feeling 1,5 year ago. It would have saved me from all these rumours, smear campaigns, hurt and maybe the worst of all: hope. Every single time her words (or sometimes actions) lead me to believe she was behaving 'normal' again, I had this hope everything would be fine eventually... .

So... .I would say: get some distance.

Hi EdR, thank you for your advice. I agree, I do need to distance myself so that I can see things more clearly, as my emotions have completely ruled my thoughts.
The issue that I’ve had is that the idealization went on for our entire relationship, and then within days, something shifted and she turned her feelings off. It’s like a hit and run accident. She ran over me and then just kept going. It’s hard to process.
I was the love of her life and then suddenly I was nothing.
Another issue is, she denies she there’s anything wrong with her. She just thinks she fell out of love.
All these questions constantly haunt me. None of it makes sense. As much as I want to get distance, I’m left in pieces, wondering what happened to the woman that called me her soulmate and constantly told me I was made for her.

I understand. I really do. Sometimes I still feel like there must be this 'magic button' somewhere: some action or some words which might let her 'see the light' again so to speak.
Of course I know this is impossible, but to be honest I probably still feel that tiny bit of hope lingering deep down... .:-(    So I must continue to remind myself of the absurdity of the situation and how I can and should detach. But both that hope and hurt (and all her smear campaigns) are almost killing me... .

How do you feel about this 'magic button'?

The magic button... .in my opinion, I believe that when you’re dealing with mental illness or maladaptive behaviours patterns, there is no magic button, so to speak. I believe unless people do the work to heal themselves (or at least understand their illness and how it affects others), I believe the core issues will always affect and play a role in our dynamics with them.
I do believe, however, that there is a magic button in which them can press in self-preservation (whether it be because of fear of abandonment or fear of engulfment). They essentially do what they need to feel ok, leaving you behind in pieces.
We have to remind ourselves (although the woman I was with was not diagnosed, but displayed many of the symptoms of BPD) that we cannot have a functional relationship with dysfunctional people (and do we want to?).
I think why I’m so distraught is because usually there is some indication that the relationship may end. My partner was exhausted from work the last month we were together, however she continually stated she wanted me by her side. When I went to visit her, she was cold and within days of leaving, she had completely detached. I was her soulmate one day, and then the next, I was a stranger to her.
I truly don’t believe this is how a loving, rational, sane person would be behave. Love does not suddenly “shift”.

This sounds like a classic example of the actions not matching the words.  It's something a great number of us have fallen foul to.  It's confusing when we are told something so emphatically, only for the opposite action to follow, and those words are the ones that really stick with us and leave us filled with questions.  Golden rule is to look at the actions over the words.  Her behaviour (cold) was telling the truth of the situation.  It's a harsh realisation when it hits home.   

Love and light x

I agree with you that her love for you was real.  But the discard was also real.  Your prior relationship experience is helpful to you in understanding that her behavior is not normal.  As patientandclear said, this is almost entirely not about you.  You mentioned that the relationship with her was not like your others.  It's common for BPD relationships to be much more intense and to move quickly.  This makes the sudden end all the more painful.

Yes, she could come back.  It is common for pwBPD to cycle back and forth.  If she does, remember that things could cycle to a breakup again without warning.

Now is the time to shift the focus from her to yourself.  It's completely natural to feel devastated.  Let yourself feel that, rather than burying it.

WW

Thank you for all your kind and gentle words. As much as I want to believe this wasn’t about me, there is always that questioning in my head that I didn’t meet her expectations. She was never diagnosed as having BPD and denied having any mental illness (other than depression and anxiety). She just simply stated that she felt a shift and fell out of love.
And then... .I have everyone around me telling me her behaviour was extreme and she lacked emotional stability, empathy, and was emotionally abusive. I do know that falling out of love overnight simply does not happen, so something is off with her.

I’m on medication now and seeing a trauma therapist. My next goal is to get back to the gym.
It makes me so upset that she has gone on with her life, unscathed by all of this as if we didn’t exist, and I’m the one who is solely mourning the love that we shared. She is going about her life as if nothing happened - when she was the one who seemed to be far more eager to build our lives together as soon as possible.
The torture this woman has done to my mind

Hi allbymyself,

I promise you, the way you feel right now is something I am also going through. She was my first love and I'm 25. I told her she was perfect that's why I decided to be with her. She asked me about my parents and told me how her grandmother would love me. Told me all her dark and deepest secrets. Within a month she gave me 5 weeks of silence treatment only to end it. I know it feels unreal, and our brain doesn't process it. It is just not logical so therefore, our brains is just stuck in this phase of "What the F".

Also, my brain was also damaged and it is okay to take your time to heal. Do new things, go our and find yourself. What I did was travel on my own to new locations, meet new people, try new foods. When you see or learn a new thing, your brain takes the time and shifts the focus to that new thing. Just remember, I am here with you. We are all here with you. We all went through it and most of us are still shell-shocked. I want to share my love with you, and to tell you that we are here for you.

Of course you didn't meet her expectations.  No human could.  One reason this hurts so much may be because our brains insist that things must make sense.  We don't intuitively understand mental illness.  Even if we know in one sense that the other person was abnormal, it's so counterintuitive, it makes more sense to our brains that it's actually us who are messed up.  And our brains need things to make sense so badly that even when we get our heads straight and realize it wasn't us, our heads keep getting pulled back to thinking it was.  You are a normal person responding to an abnormal situation.  Dude, it really wasn't you.

The gym sounds like a great idea.  As much as you can, think of yourself more and her less.  Get some gym time and get your confidence up, and practice flirting with women whenever you get the chance, even just giving the checkout lady at the supermarket a nice smile.

WW

I know your reply was not directed at me, but I would like to pretend it was a little 

Thank you.

Don't worry allbymyself7, my ex loved to talk about people who moved on very fast after their partner dies or something similar, and hated how people tend to marry within one year from the separation and so on... .And guess what, she was the one who moved on with a new partner at a speed of light.

So, you can't have 100% trust in a BPD person, like others said, watch their actions, you'll only get confused if you only listen because their actions tell the true story. I know it's hard to believe all this sadness regardless of their promising words, but you must follow the reality. You'll get to that point soon, I felt exactly like you just about three months ago. If only I knew then that the truth was actually all the opposite of what she said.

Thank you, Wentworth. I needed to hear those words. I do know that I couldn’t meet her unrealistic expectations, as she was raised in a high achieving, pressured environment.
Even as she was breaking up with me over the phone, she said she had everything she could want in a partner in me, and yet she still couldn’t make it work because she felt her expectations are too high.
I know I wasn’t as successful as she wanted me to be. I know I didn’t pounce on things and was proactive as she wished I was. If I told her I was taking her to dinner, her response was “well, did you make a reservation”? If I didn’t, there was disappointment.
I’d left filing my income taxes to the last week... .she didn’t trust I would do them in time and kept on me about that.
If I didn’t apply for a job in her hometown right away, she accused me of not being serious about her and the relationship, and then would hang up the phone on me.
It was never enough. I was more laid back and she was a go-getter.
I think this is where she felt our approaches to life were different and that she felt I was flawed.
Realistically, I believe if she truly loved me in a mature, whole-hearted way, these things would not matter. She would appreciate our differences as well as the same core values we shared.

When I wrote her on Instagram last week and told her how badly she hurt me, that I felt conned into thinking she loved and cared about me, and that she was not well and incapable of being in a long term, stable relationship, she of course became upset, said she couldn’t see a future together and was sorry for making me think she wanted this with me.
She wished me happiness and hoped I could move on.
Then, she blocked me.
About half an hour later, she unblocked me. Why do you think she would do this?
Since then, she has continued to look at the Instagram stories I’ve posted. Is she just curious as to what I’m up to?

When words and behavior don't match up, it's hard to reconcile just exactly what is real and true. Another member is in a similar situation: 1stTimer.

You might want to check out his story and compare notes. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327188.0

Hey allbymyself, hang in there. I have a very similar situation I updated here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=327188.new#new

basically a girl who spent many months making me feel like I was 'the one', put on a huge 4 week push at the end and then cut-and-ran almost the moment she had it ALL.

I'm not sure what is in your girl's mind, though I suspect, like mine, that that connection scares them more than anything. So perhaps what she says is how her mind tells her it is to make it ok for her. They have coping mechanisms we can't even imagine.

I'll tell you in my case, not to try to minimize the pain you feel from what she said, I'd have really liked to at least heard that. For one thing it gives you something to hold on to for closure (and some hope she might resolve this for herself), for another she did you the respect of not just outright discarding you.

Mine left literally the day after our first 'offiicial' day together as commited couple where she did a massive future bomb, which was the day after we'd had a dinner she almost forced me into where I 'officially' asked her to be my girlfriend (as she read it my fiance). She didn't do me the courtesy yours did, she just pretended like I 'misunderstood' or that I was the one who wanted a relationship all along. She did say something similar to yours believe it or not "we see things differently". And then she disappeared. Not a call, text, email. Nothing. It was horrendous and I'll say again I'd have something to hold on to if she had contacted me to tell me she ran, or even fell out of love (something that does NOT happen to be people overnight, sorry). I have/had nothing to hold on to. That is hard to describe and one reason I'm still spinning now 3 months later.

What I don't mention in the thread I posted since it is sort of an update to the story I originally posted (where I went into more detail into the early chase she went on with me) is that unlike you I did not send her the angry email (or more accruately ANY of the ones I wrote). 3 weeks or so after NC from HER (as if I was the BPD!) I sent her a very nice email wishing her luck and telling her how I missed her and how I'd felt. 100% non-recriminatory. I got back (surprsingly) what i considered a weird reply "Thank you for the nice note. Hope you've been well'. At least she didn't hate me right? Except she didn't give me a THING back So maybe it was her way of saying the same thing your girl did but more likely it was her way of HANDLING it the same way divorce yourself from the emotion. She could have ignored me completely.

A month or so later, I on a whim (more or less) sent her a text which I was sure she would not reply to. To my utter delight as I am sure you can imagine, she replied back almost immediatly and seeminlgy very happy to hear from me and a veiled invitation to talk "Talk to you later?". I didn't jump at that so the next day she texted "Would you be interested to meet at (the place we met and wooed)" which I thought was huge; SHE reached out to meet in person and at 'our place'; not the park, not a coffee shop or diner but at our place/bar which means night/wine/memories. I replied sure. Radio silence all of a sudden. I replied next day "How about Thursday at 7?" Radio silence for a day. Then "Lots happening. Can't make firm plans". So basically shut down again after being invited in again. Clearly scared to see me in person, which can't at this point be fear of my anger/recrimination as I've expressed none of that so it is, I think, fear of how she will feel. I was very calm "No worries. Reach out when you want or can, I am here".

Lastly (not to hijack but situations are quite similar so I think you can relate) I decided since she might be running with out some critical informtion (my realizing my role in some of her insecurities) I wrote what I consider to be a beautiful letter

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326317.msg12978248#msg12978248

and had it printed on 4x5 card stock and spiral bound and twined it to a gorgoues bunch of flowers and dropped it off at her building. As they called it here a "Hail Mary" but as you an probably understand, she sort of felt like the fish on the line running and if I was going to lose her I wanted her to know how I felt and take some of the appreciation I had had with her and if she was going to consider swimming back I wanted her to know she was swimming back to a safer and more loving place. Likely I should have left it at my non-pressure reply but did'nt want to take that chance, not with her Mom and Sis and Therapist all weighing in on what an unappreciated jerk I'd been (not).

Again she replied immediatly, again with her defenses on high but her desire to reconnect clear (I swear her therapist writes her replies for her, they are EXPERTLY crafted) "Thank you for the thoughtful flowers and note. I am open to talk truthfully. Would you mind if I reach out to see if you are available an hour or so before I think I may be free".

Same utterly cautious crap, but clearly still responding and wantng to see me. Still hating the calling these amazing letters 'notes', not liking her 'cant make firm plans' and 'can I reach out last minute' but clearly she is trying to stay in complete control. I take that in fact as a good sign (because she feels overwhelmed and out of control at the thought of seeing me).

In any event, that was three weeks ago.

Again I'd have preferred some feedback like you got. "Thanks for the beautiful letter, it means so much to me. I don't know if I'm ready to reach out yet" etc.

My personal take on your situation is you might want to back off the anger, questions, desire for closuer and try to provide some safety or understanding of where she is and give her some space to not feel pressured or feel the need to justify or apologize. I get I put some pressure on he in a way with my last letter but felt it was needed but what i have not done is ask  single question about why or expressed the slightest bit of anger (since the day I stormed out) or recrimnation of pressure to explain, and simply let her know I care and am here and appreciate her.

Has it yielded rewards for me? Not sure. I know a girl I really cared for is clear I really cared for her and BPD or not and her seeming impatial replies aside, that woman/girl inside her must feel much better, safe and more loved even if we neve see each other again. I suppose if that is all I get out of it that is something (what else is love about?). I'm not sure still if she is some evil mind f-er, or if she ditched me for her ex and has been happily loving me while I turn on the fish hook in my mouth. I guess I'm thinking if so I never really lost anything and time will tell.

So perhaps (check out some Shawmlam latest threads on this who did successfully so far reconnect) on his approach which is very much NOT outcome based, I think it will serve you well whatever she really wants/means and however this ends up. Best of luck to you!

Any Rand said this quite well; when you are faced with a contradiction, examine your premises. One of them is wrong.

That could be projection but it could also have just been a huge trigger for a person with abandonment issues.

Does anyone know why she block me when I called her out and then would unblock me half an hour later?
And why she would be looking at my social media stories/pics?

Is this just another example of her emotional instability/mental illness?

When she was breaking up with me, she said she loved and cared about me and would think of me with fondness. Is she just curious as to what I’m up to?

i would bet that she decided blocking was too strong and too permanent a reaction, cooled off, and undid it.


its human nature to be curious about a loved one we have broken up with, even if we did the breaking up. doing it by social media works, because we dont have to speak directly to the person in order to keep up with them. my ex and i both checked each others social media even though we were not social media friends, and were not at all on good terms.

Look clearly she is still interested in you and what you are doing, BPD or not no one just turns off their feelings at the drop of a hat. Block/Unblock could be like a three-minute penalty warning (I can disappear myself whenever I want if you don't behave) or just an indication (I'd go with this myself) of her ambivalence. Ask yourself this; do you check out social media posts of people you think of with fondness? Or ones you want to stay connected to?

Hi 1stTimer,

Even a week before i went to visit her (2 weeks prior to breakup), she asked if we could get a puppy. I repliied “of course we can when we’re living together”.
She said “but I want a baby first with you”.
I told her certain things would have to be in place before we went down that road (ie. living together).
The day I arrived to her place, she has stated she had bought us a mattress and was going to sell her furniture so that I could have more storage space when I was there. She said she wanted me to feel comfortable because I spent so much time at her place.
I even went on a job interview while I was there and she was excited af the prospect of me moving there!

When I mentioned all these things last week to her when I called her out, she said “in hindsight, it’s clear. I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I’m sorry for making you think I wanted this with you”.
It was so hurtful and just unimaginable that these words were coming out of her.
She pushed and pushed me to apply for jobs in her city and continually stated that life was so much better with me in it, and then it was like nothing ever happened.
She said she wasn’t heartbroken and she has moved on as if nothing ever happened.
I’m unsure if she could have met someone so quickly, as she was utterly exhausted from working minimum 14 hour days.
I asked her if she had any doubts while we were together and she said no. She  wanted me by her side.

I would not want to look at my ex’s posts if it were painful for me. When she broke up with me, I took her off Facebook and Instagram - I couldn’t bear to see what she was up to.

When she used the term “fondness”, it was a slap in the face for me. It’s something I would use with a long lost pal - not someone I was deeply in love with or was just building a life with.

I told her she was not well, that she was a con artist and that she was in denial - and she has continued to look at my Instagram stories.

To make matters worse, initially right after the breakup, I had seen a picture of her wearing the “soul mate” necklace I had given her when we were together. She posted the picture on Instagram as she was travelling.
Clearly, she has no sentimental ties to anything we shared.
I can’t even look at the necklace she gave me that had our anniversary engraved along with “the day my life changed forever”.

Regarding your blocking/unblocking question: I guess some other members explained the unblocking. But the blocking itself is a different story altogether. I got blocked as well and it was totally out of the blue a few days after her apology... .I guess the true reason is something most of us will never get to know.

Blocking itself is imo a negative thing. It basically is a means to cut off contact. So why this cutting off contact?

1) to hurt you. It could be she feels the right to hurt you for whatever reason.
2) to stop you. It could be she has created this image in her head that you are the stalker. How to stop this stalker? Block him!
3) to not lose face/prevent shame. It could be that she has been talking to her boyfriend, friends or parents or even on some internet boards about you in the typical dramatic and emotional way. At some point even the best friend or parent will get enough of it and say something like: 'well, if he gets to you this much, just block him for crying out loud'. Now NOT blocking you would give the signal to her friends or family that there is more to it than meets the eye. She would not be able to handle that.
4) to protect herself. Similar to 2) but more about her than about you. For example: It might be that she got this nightmare or sexual dream after you contact her or after she saw you on FB  and that might scare the crap out of her. She feels she won't be able to continue her life normally while seeing your life unfold on FB. So she blocks you to spare herself from seeing that or hearing from you.
5) to test you. How would you react?
6) any combination of the above.

No way to know for sure though. And I truly doubt she would know herself. In my case I'd guess it started with 3 and then 2 to make sure she didn't feel responsible for 1. That would then of course be all my fault. She is the victim so this would be the way she soothes herself.

I couldn’t stand her looking at my posts/stories and then go about her life as if I didn’t exist.
It was too hard to resist looking at her things (even though on private mode), so I blocked her completely on social media.


This was a huge step for me.
I know it was the right one, but I feel really distraught knowing now that I am completely disconnected from her. And even more so, that none of this phases her because she’s moved on. Emotionally, there is no attachement anymore.

I understand how painful this all is for you, and I'm sorry about it. I personally am still going through it but it's been 10 months so the horrific pain has subsided, and now I just have a deep down, nagging pain and the associated bad memories of everything.

This is only my opinion and I know many might disagree, but I do not believe that these BPD individuals are actually capable of true love, that's why I said the love was not real, and that the love-bombing is just a means to an end. Like the saying goes - you cannot love anybody until you love yourself. They hate themselves inside, and as such are not capable of providing that unconditional love which is the foundation of a true romantic relationship.

I believe that's why it's so easy for them to turn on a dime and be gone. When you don't have that unconditional love for somebody/something, you can leave at the drop of a hat.

Something else to consider about these BPD individuals - oftentimes unbeknownst to us, they're cultivating other relationships at the same time, whether it's through text/phone/email, etc. It could be with an ex, or another person that they have become infatuated with. Once something clicks in that arena, they cut the cord on the current relationship and jump into the other one.

In my case, I found out in hindsight that my uBPDexgf had gone and stayed at her exes place when she walked out on me the first time (she moved in with me for almost 2 years total, and said I was "perfect and never did anything wrong". She swore she never slept with him, but I don't believe anything she says. The fact that her husband had divorced her for cheating is enough for me to realize she probably did cheat on me. Had I known at the time she had gone to the exes I would have NEVER taken her back. The truth only came out in a fit of anger when she apparently wanted to hurt me.

I mention this all because these BPD types are sneaky, and they've got a lot going on that we know nothing about. What seems like an abrupt end to us is oftentimes well-planned out on their end.

Hi crushedagain, thank you for your message. I’m sorry you too are going through pain still, however it seems like there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

I have to agree with you in that most of these people do not understand what true love is. They know what an infatuation love is, a superficial love, or even an adolescent love (which makes sense, as BPDs are stunted in emotional growth).
True love is patient and kind. It does not hurt, control, manipulate, leave abruptly, or deceive.
It sounds like we’ve both been subjected to this.

I agree in the fact that there may be more to the stories they tell us in regards to cultivating other relationships on the side.
It is, in fact, all about them and what makes them feel good. If they aren’t getting the elevated, euphoric feelings from one person, it seems tempting to get it elsewhere, regardless if someone gets hurt or not.
Our feelings are not important to them (as we’ve both experienced).
As I reflect on this (even though it’s been just over a month), everything that was said and done was to make her feel good. My feelings were never taken into account.

You can’t expedt to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional person.

You're right, it is truly "all about them." When I look back on my relationship, not once did my feelings really matter, only hers.

I know we're not supposed to compare our partners with previous ones as it's unfair, but when I look back to a previous long term relationship I was genuinely loved and appreciated. Never did I feel that in this relationship and I am now asking myself why I put up with it for so long.

All I can figure is I didn't know what I was getting into until it was too late, and I loved her and was just doing the best I could. In hindsight, I'm honestly left with more questions than answers. I will never know who this person was and what she was actually doing when she was out of town "visiting friends." I have a sneaking suspicion I wouldn't like it, but I'll never know and I am doing my best to move on.

Well there is an attachment emotionally, you are "distraught" by being disconnected, ie, still mentally connected.

Dont worry, you are on a strong course, it gets easier. Ignore her very existence and consign it all to history. This is the option you have and imho, it has worked for me better than the alternatives. I live 30minutes away from her in a small city, our paths will no doubt cross again at some point, but it doesnt bother me, in the meantime it makes no difference if she lived on Jupiter, if I see her again or she tries to talk to me, its simple what to do; id ignore her and walk past just as I would do the schizophrenic man accosting people at the bus station - it doesnt distraught me because there is no "connection", with regards to my ex there is even more reason to walk by, she has been a proven disappointment and thats all the memories that are residual; designed as a natural reminder to not make the same mistake.

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