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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 13, 2018, 07:04:06 AM



Title: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 13, 2018, 07:04:06 AM
My wife and I have been married for 5 and a half years. She has very strong BPD traits and it’s been a rollercoaster ever since we got married. We went to Washington DC for an internship then at the beginning of eh internship I said would you like to come to England to visit my family? She said yes ok as we were getting on great st the time, so I booked flights for us at the end of her internship.
A few weeks before she randomly messaged me saying she was going to fly back to Utah and not england as she didn’t want to get close to my family and saw no point if we were going to break up. This was completely out of the blue as we had been getting closer than ever hitch makes it even harder.
The last week in Washington DC come along and it was tough and awquard as I though maybe this is the last time we will see each other and she was spending more time with her friends there. We had a fight and she said she didn’t want to be with me so I said ok file for divorce as I wanted to call her bluff and was fed up of hearing this wanting to break up and all over me the next day. I went outside for a walk and she sent me the filled out divorce papers. I printed them he following day and left them on the table in the lounge for her to see.
Our final day in dc we go for a nice lunch hen it’s like she had my control again as half way through the lunch she says she has to go and see her friend for dessert. I said ok, she came back a couple of hours later and as it was our final night in dc I asked her plans for that evening. She said she’s going out but with friends. I was shocked and upset but didn’t show her my emotions, so I said ok I’m going out to party too, have a good night, then I left.
A couple of hours later she messaged me saying if I pass by a shop to bring a drink for her so she wanted to show to me that she was still at home and didn’t go out. I ignored the message for an hour and continued having some drinks on a bar. I then went home and she was there doing work on her laptop, I asked why she didn’t go out, she said because it’s raining. I asked if she wanted to go for a drink she said no it’s ok. As she had the control back over me. So I said ok I’m going on my own. I left and within 30 minutes she messaged me to say she was horny. Her wild card. So I went back and we had a good night, watched the movie and got a pizza and hugged most of the night.
The next morning we were finishing packing our things and I was expecting her to ask about the divorce papers and to go through them together... .but nothing... .she didn’t even take them with her or mention them... .as she left I said I loved her and for her to take care, no begging as I’ve been trying to be very strong lately. She said you too and left on her own in the taxi.
Backtracking a couple of days before this I said I’m not sure my plans yet, maybe I won’t go to England maybe I will do abit if traveling to get my head clear and figure out my life. For some reason I regret saying this but I think it’s her games just getting to me.
Anyway after being in England 5 days I’d heard nothing from her so I sent her a general message to ask if she was ok and if they family and dog was ok. She said they’re fine but don’t contact me unless it’s about divorce papers. She’s obviously mad for something, maybe because I didn’t message her for 5 days, or most probably because I am with family in England and every time I go to England, she gets very distant before I go.

I didn’t reply to her message and I am up in limbo about what to do, going crazy to be honest, drinking a lot and trying my best not to message her again in the hope she will message me. We had a break in the past when we were both in Utah as she said she made out with some guy. I left but stayed in the states with a friend and she was contacting me after a week saying she missed me, so I went back to
Her and things were great for a time. This time I am in a different country and after receiving that message from her I don’t know what to do.
Has anybody experienced anything similar to this? Would be great if you should share any experiences, I am tempted to fly tonutah and see her but then it would seem like begging. In my ideal situation I would like her to message me and say she misses me then I will fly out and set ground rules, especially now having studied more about borderlines I may be able to understand her better and not take things personal.

Any help would be great as I really don’t want this marriage to end.

Thank you


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: pearlsw on August 13, 2018, 03:13:49 PM
Hi Sufferingsoul34,

May I ask what makes you think she BPD or BPD traits? I'm not saying this story is unfamiliar, but I am wondering what brought you to the site.

There is a lot of helpful information to read up on. I think you may want to key in first on abandonment issues. It sounds like there is a lot of push/pull and you may want to examine how some of the things happening here are likely triggering her fear of abandonment.

My SO has broken up with me hundreds of times. I get it. It sucks. It feels like a game. It really isn't. It is about extreme emotional pain and we get offloaded like a hot potato because of it.

Are you two currently in contact? Is a divorce in process?

wishing you the best, pearl.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 13, 2018, 07:37:19 PM
She ticks prettt much every box of a BPD personality disorder and I’ve seen many therapist and even spoken to her own who says she has it but they haven’t officially diagnosed her yet.

No divorce in process as I printed the papers but she never took them from the apartment we were renting, didn’t even mention them when she left. Was only when I texted her.

Turns out today her Mum messages me(we keep contact as her Mum likes me and she wants us to stay together but my wife doesn’t know we talk) anyway her Mum says my wife has been telling people I will arrive next month once she’s finished her lsat prep course, makes it even more confusing... .


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 13, 2018, 07:38:32 PM
Also pearl no contact, nothing at all since she messaged to say only contact her if it’s about divorce papers so I ignored her.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: pearlsw on August 13, 2018, 09:33:37 PM
Hi Sufferingsoul34,

I can relate to your pain! I have been threatened with divorce so many times it makes my head spin. When I finally agreed to it, he started pulling out all the stops to get me to stay with him. Go figure!

I think this is, unfortunately, a common threat many of us hear. You are right to put the ball in her court to make it happen if she really wants this. My guess is she wants it at times, then she eases off, then it comes up again.

I find it hard to wrap my mind around such issues as well. My SO insists this is not about control, it is purely about his emotional pain. Okay, so that is how he sees it. I think after doing it so many times, at moments when he was not getting what he wanted fast enough. that it is also about control. I guess we won't agree.

What matters is how you handle this, and how much of it you can endure. It is not an easy cycle to break. It takes a lot of strength. There is a push/pull pattern involved here and it can go on for a long time. I think listening/validation can go a long way to ease some of the issues, possibly.

In terms of your pattern together, does she at some point come running back to you? That's interesting that she is telling people she will be with you in a month. The LSAT is pretty hard. I am sure that is causing her a tremendous amount of stress, it would anyone, but for her even more so I imagine. Perhaps just short, encouraging, no pressure messages would be the way to keep in contact for now?

wishing you peace, pearl.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 14, 2018, 06:14:36 AM
I was thinking to contact her but I am also worried that she will feel as she has even more control over me so part of me is like I will wait for her to contact me and then be calm with messages. Day at a time I guess but I don’t want to give her so much control that she will continue saying about the divorce papers, even if she doesn’t know what she wants, but the conflict in my mind is that maybe she is getting attention from elsewhere, or maybe just concentrating on the lsat and doesn’t want the stress of me around. It’s just strange how the divorce papers didn’t go with her to Utah but as soon as I messaged and she gained control, it was all about the papers again when if she really wanted she could print them and send them to the address where I am at.
In the past with the silent treatment she gave, she will randomly send me a message even when I’ve been in England, or a random FaceTime call out of nowhere, but divorce papers weren’t on the cards then so I don’t know this time, but it’s probably just another cycle especially if she’s been telling people I will be there in september, but no words to me. Very tough times and I don’t want to make the wrong move to push her away more if she doesn’t want contact at the moment, but also I don’t want her to feel abandoned if I don’t contact her but I did try a few days ago and that’s the response I got... .


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 15, 2018, 04:21:21 PM
Now I’ve just received a text from her out of the blue saying that my car registration runs out in September and she asked if I have plans to go to Utah at all.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 15, 2018, 04:39:08 PM
have you responded?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 15, 2018, 04:48:50 PM
Not yet, I don’t know whether to or to wait... .and don’t even know what to say to be honest but I know for sure I won’t be saying that I am definitely going there. Any advice?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 16, 2018, 03:16:13 PM
I responded saying thanks for letting me know and I am thinking about whether I should go to Utah. She replied today saying to let her know if I want my clothes or should she donate it all? More mind games aghhh I don’t know how to respond now... .part of me is like because I didn’t say I am definitely going to Utah then she is feeling abandoned, but I didn’t say I wasn’t... .head screwed again just as I was feeling slightly better.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 16, 2018, 04:04:03 PM
i would encourage you not to over think this... .anxiety makes it hard to read other people.

these are questions (hers) i would take at face value, and answer them in kind.

what do you want to do? what do you want to say?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 16, 2018, 05:11:26 PM
What do you mean when you say answer them in kind? Yes you’re right I think my anxiety is affecting my ability to read. I want to tell her I am going to go to Utah and I want my belongings but I also don’t want her to take advantage of having the control over me so it’s difficult. By having advantage I mean sending abusive messages saying she wants a divorce or saying things she know will hurt me.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 16, 2018, 05:44:04 PM
by answer them in kind, i mean in a straight forward, honest manner.

"are you coming to utah?"

"i am/im not"

"do you want your clothes back or do you want me to donate them"

"i would like them back/i dont need them, go ahead and donate them, thanks"

i would also encourage you not to approach this as a power struggle based on who has an upper hand. what feel like mind games may be her own confusion, or may have more benign, straight forward motivations. regardless, it will give you clarity if you approach this in a straight forward and authentic manner.



Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 16, 2018, 05:58:49 PM
Thank you for your advice. I am trying not to see it s a power struggle but after being in Washington DC with her and the control she was trying to get over me the last week there, it completely confused me but yes my anxiety was probably affecting my judgement and also the drinking alcohol I was doing as a coping mechanism. I have just replied to her saying that I want me personal belongings and I will be coming to Utah at some point. I didn’t state when, just that I would be. So will see what’s going to happen. Maybe when she messaged me yesterday about the car registration it was her cry to me that she misses me and it was her way of saying it as her last message before that a week ago was only contact me if it’s about divorce papers, but who knows as I am still trying to learn more about borderlines so I can handle it better if we remain together.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: pearlsw on August 16, 2018, 08:38:24 PM
Hi Sufferingsoul34,

I'm sorry! That must have been so hard to hear! I can't gauge the intentionality on such things, but I know it sure can put you into a panic. Keep in mind, in some way, our partners will often try to make us experience the level of emotional pain they are in. It can be massive!

Remember, depersonalize, it's an illness talking, but act practically.

This might help you with email/text communications: B.I.F.F. Techniques for Communication (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0)

How long until you will make the trip do you think? Her knowing when (more or less) might help with the abandonment issues.

wishing you the best, pearl.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 18, 2018, 04:00:13 AM
Thank you Pearl. I will probably make the trip in a few weeks as I have some family matters to deal with in England first. I wake up today to a missed call from her... .so I messaged if everythings ok and she says yes she’s fine. Then she sends another text asking if it’s a good idea we talk, so we spoke over text a few times just general chat about our families and she asked if I am going to be in England permanently. I said no I am going to Utah, she asked after Utah Do I have plans to settle anywhere else and I told her I haven’t looked into settling anywhere else, end of conversation.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 18, 2018, 01:40:16 PM
howd it go? how do you feel about it?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 18, 2018, 02:40:08 PM
Sufferingsoul,

I know conflict with a partner, especially when BPD is involved, can be very stressful and difficult... .It's even more so when great distances are involved. Resolving conflict over a non face-to-face medium... .That's even harder.

I see a lot of good replies here. I am watching and always learning more myself.

I will add this myself. It seems you're partner is like mine. Communication becomes very sparse during conflict. I know it can be easy to assume the worse during such time, yes?

I can tell you're feeling many emotions. I can almost guarantee whatever intensity you're feeling, she's feeling 5-10x more. Empathy can be hard during these times... .But it can also bridge gaps.

I hope you are able to come to your desired outcome. 


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 19, 2018, 09:46:01 AM
I had another late night missed call from her so I messaged to say sorry I missed the call. Later that night she sends me a message saying ‘I am really sorry for being such a terrible wife’ I don’t know how to respond to this? As yes she’s hurt me a lot, is she finally realizing or just trying to reel me in again... .?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 19, 2018, 10:02:52 AM
youre going to be walking on eggshells if you view your wife of five years as trying to reel you in.

shes expressing regret. this is an opportunity to let her talk, and to do a lot of listening.

try this approach, the power of asking validating questions: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0

let her talk... .try to reflect back that you hear what shes saying. id bite my tongue on trying to argue with her perspective or say my piece. id just do a lot of listening, tell her i want to take some time to reflect on it, and then id do that reflecting.



Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 19, 2018, 11:56:18 AM
So I responded asking what she meant. The response I got was ‘just that, because I was unhappy I made you unhappy. And I know you’ll find what you need’ definitely not the response I wanted and now I’m even more confused as was hoping she would be opening up to me more now.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 19, 2018, 12:52:29 PM
its a start... .its not what you would have hoped for, but its not meaningless.

does she know you dont want to divorce?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 19, 2018, 01:00:52 PM
When we were discussing the divorce I told her this is her decision and not mine. Then she said to me why did I ask her to fill the divorce papers so it means it’s both of our decision. I again then stated that it’s her choice and I didn’t want the divorce, but if she wanted to separate then there is nothing I can do about it.
Would you respond to this or just leave it for now and wait for the next call/text? Seems to me everyday she is thinking black or white of me, when she sent the text late last night I was white and now maybe black again.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 19, 2018, 01:31:09 PM
i dont know that shes painting you white or black here.

this sounds like divorce proceedings between two conflicted people.

i dont know that a response is called for, and i probably wouldnt, but what do you think about something like "what made you unhappy?". and then listening.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 19, 2018, 01:41:05 PM
What do you mean by 2 conflicted people? Meaning I want it to work and she doesn’t? Or none of us really know what we want? As one minute she wants it then the next she’s asking when I’m going to Utah etc, the fear of abandonment.
I don’t know whether to respond as we have discussed in the past what made her unhappy and it’s hard to communicate when she has this mindset, probably my fault not talking about issues when things were great.



Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 20, 2018, 06:45:19 AM
Ok so last night I hadn’t replied to her message and I had another missed call from her. I tried to call her back and she said to call her abit later. So I did and we had a chat for about an hour, just general conversation, didn’t really talk about anything that she said in the text she was just saying what she had been upto etc. not sure if it was a wise decision not to bring up anything but I was just trying to be calm and patient and didn’t want to have an argument.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 20, 2018, 12:38:44 PM
Or none of us really know what we want?

i am (more or less) referring to that. so far, she has mostly signaled that she wants to divorce. you called her bluff, and whether you intended it or not, the message she seems to have taken is that you do too (you dont). she seems to be reflecting, and regretting. thats pretty common in divorce, especially if someone uses it to get their way, but it can play out a couple of different ways.

but I was just trying to be calm and patient and didn’t want to have an argument.

not a bad move, but if she was talking to you for an hour about general stuff, reading between the lines she may have wanted to connect with you. sufferingsoul34, shes likely every bit as confused as you are, and shes probably not reading you well either.

so dont have an argument, i agree... .id be looking for opportunities to connect, to let her talk, to listen, to lead.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 20, 2018, 07:19:38 PM
What do you mean when you say she may have wanted to connect with me? You think I should do things differently next time she tries to reach out to me? I didn’t hear from her at all today. My therapist recommended that I wait for her to reach out to me at this current time. When you say looking for opportunities to connect with her, do you mean when she reaches out to me?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 20, 2018, 07:22:27 PM
When you say looking for opportunities to connect with her, do you mean when she reaches out to me?

yes. it may be that she wants to talk, nothing more. it may be that she doesnt want to go through on the divorce, but thinks you do... .its hard to say.

i tend to agree with your therapist. im just saying when she dangles something out like "sorry i made you unhappy", take that opportunity to let her talk and signal that youre interested in hearing what she has to say.

use those validating questions.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 08:13:25 AM
Thank you so much for your advice, so glad I found this website! Life saver!
Ok so my issue is that when I go back to Utah, I don’t want the same again. I want her to go back to therapy and continue taking her Prozac, and also for her to stop messaging guys on Snapchat etc for attention. How would I go about doing this? My therapist says boundaries are important but of course with a borderline it’s difficult.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 21, 2018, 09:20:24 AM
I know when my pwBPD has relationship troubles (with me or others), communication becomes sparse.  And when the communication is sparse, assumptions are made -- assumptions that are often the worse possible outcomes, whether they be true or not (they are almost always not).  These assumptions turn into obsessive thoughts that churn over and over like butter and cream churning in a pot... .without end, until they are interrupted.

So by you agreeing to accept a divorce, that may be read as you want the divorce also (in fact, I'd place money on it).  If that is untrue, you should actively correct it.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 09:27:41 AM
Ok thanks. So maybe because I called her bluff she now thinks I’m the one that wants the divorce? Even though I told her it’s her decision. I’m still new to learning how BPDs minds work so thank you again everybody for the advice. Do you think I should wait for her to call again or contact me then mention I will be coming back to Utah as I want the marriage to work? Her first response will probably be ‘I don’t want to be with you’ but I don’t know, she may even say don’t come back and then the next day ask when I am going back.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 09:30:04 AM
I am basically just trying to figure out a good time to say I don’t want a divorce without her walking all over me.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 21, 2018, 09:38:10 AM
Ok thanks. So maybe because I called her bluff she now thinks I’m the one that wants the divorce? Even though I told her it’s her decision. I’m still new to learning how BPDs minds work so thank you again everybody for the advice. Do you think I should wait for her to call again or contact me then mention I will be coming back to Utah as I want the marriage to work? Her first response will probably be ‘I don’t want to be with you’ but I don’t know, she may even say don’t come back and then the next day ask when I am going back.

When and how the communication should be made -- that's always a tough call.  I'd say, she's coming to you, let that trend continue and make it clear when next you communicate.  I'd say you need to set the record straight in the next 48 hours though, if that means you initiating the talk, so be it.  I'd avoid text messages.  Call her in 24-48 hours if she doesn't reach out to you.  If she don't answer, send a text saying you'd like to talk on the phone.

Text conversations over serious matters are horrible.  Too many precious non-verbals are lost (phone has the same problem -- but to a much lesser extent!).  And when communication is lost (via an extremely poor communication medium), assumptions (often bad ones) fill in the gaps.  I'm not saying change your plans and fly back ASAP -- I'm saying refuse to hold a serious conversation via text.

Others may have better thoughts that vary on this.  I'd be curious to hear them.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 21, 2018, 10:19:13 AM
Ok so my issue is that when I go back to Utah, I don’t want the same again. I want her to go back to therapy and continue taking her Prozac, and also for her to stop messaging guys on Snapchat etc for attention. How would I go about doing this? My therapist says boundaries are important but of course with a borderline it’s difficult.

id put this on the back burner. a laundry list of demands arent usually conducive to resuscitating a relationship. thats the kind of thing to work to get on the same page about, together, and slowly, when and if the relationship gets back to more stable ground.

I’m still new to learning how BPDs minds work so thank you again everybody for the advice.

the same way yours and mine does, but with a much higher than average fear of abandonment, engulfment, rejection, and sensitivity to criticism. you dont need to learn a new language, just to understand her needs as a very sensitive person - she may not always understand them herself or communicate them the greatest.

emotional dysregulation (we arent really talking about that in the context of all this) is the exception. a person who is emotionally dysregulated isnt typically coming from an "understandable" place.

Call her in 24-48 hours if she doesn't reach out to you.  If she don't answer, send a text saying you'd like to talk on the phone.

i think this is good advice. at the end of the day, you know your wife better than we do, shes been your partner for five years. you know how to talk to her, anxiety just makes all of that complicated and we can feel unsure of ourselves.

you dont want to beg, of course. and you need to understand there is some risk of rejection if she is dead set on divorce. but theres absolutely nothing to be lost by being upfront that you love your wife, and you do not wish to be divorced.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 12:55:06 PM
Thank you for all of your great advice. My issue is that she usually reaches out to me when she’s missing me or thinking about me. We had our chat a couple of nights ago which like you said is what she needed. The first part of our conversation she was asking if I am going to Utah, I said I am definitely going there so I am thinking maybe that’s what she was looking for in our conversation. I will think what to do, is there any reason why you said to contact within 24/48 hours?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 21, 2018, 01:02:06 PM
Thank you for all of your great advice. My issue is that she usually reaches out to me when she’s missing me or thinking about me. We had our chat a couple of nights ago which like you said is what she needed. The first part of our conversation she was asking if I am going to Utah, I said I am definitely going there so I am thinking maybe that’s what she was looking for in our conversation. I will think what to do, is there any reason why you said to contact within 24/48 hours?

I think it's preferable she comes to you -- she'll be more open to the conversation then.

At the same time, I think the false belief (if it exists) needs to be corrected.  The longer it spins around inside her head, the more damage it may cause.

That's just my $.02.  Again, others may have better thoughts that are worth considering.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 04:00:04 PM
Yes that’s the thing. I don’t know if she thinks I don’t want to be with her as I’ve said multiple times I didn’t want the divorce and told her I will be coming back to Utah in our last conversation so I’m guessing that’s what she wanted to hear. My only fear is that she knows I am coming back and knows that I don’t want the divorce so if I repeat it and say it again she might walk over me with the control part of it.

She also just messaged me a random message asking if I heard about some plane in the sky losing its wheels... .it’s like she’s looking for an excuse to make conversation with me... .


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 21, 2018, 04:06:06 PM
it’s like she’s looking for an excuse to make conversation with me... .

so make conversation with her.

what has she said, directly, when you, directly, have said you dont want the divorce.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 21, 2018, 04:08:00 PM
so make conversation with her.

what has she said, directly, when you, directly, have said you dont want the divorce.

I was just about to say make conversation with her. It is an opening of communication and communication breakdown is what causes a lot of issues to keep going.  Once communication has resumed, things can get better. Of course, you know it can turn back around quickly as well.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 04:16:09 PM
Yes I am having general conversation with her and she’s talking about her studies etc. that’s why I feel it’s not thought  time to talk about marriage issues when she’s opening up and talking to me like normal things again like she did on the phone call a couple of days ago.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 04:56:39 PM
When I’ve said I don’t want the divorce in the past she has said that she isn’t happy and doesn’t know what she wants. She says various things. It can go from doesn’t know what she wants, doesn’t deserve me, she said she fell in love with somebody else a few years ago, but mostly she says it’s too late to fix things and doesn’t want us to get couples therapy. Then couple of days later she’s all over me... .


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 07:09:04 PM
Ok update. We spoke and she was talking general chat again and that she’s getting an attorney to sort out a car crash she was in a while ago. Then she said shall she get an attorney for us? I said what do you mean? She said well you mentioned getting a lawyer on the past for the divorce, I did once when she mentioned divorce a while ago. So I told her no I don’t want a divorce, she said well if you don’t give it to me then I will have to get one. End of conversation. I don’t know whether to text her now or what to do... .heads screwed again and now she’s wanting the divorce again but for some reason contacting me a lot... .so I just leave it and give a breather for a few days.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 07:09:38 PM
I am tempted to message her and say we don’t need an attorney I can give you what you want, but then it may seem
Like I want it when I don’t.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 07:12:06 PM
Also tempted to say why didn’t you take the divorce papers in Washington DC when they were sat there signed for a week... .but I am not going to text her now when in this emotional state.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 07:13:55 PM
She just messaged me ‘trust me you don’t want me back’ what does she mean by that? Really getting to my head now.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 21, 2018, 07:14:37 PM
I asked what she meant by that and she said I shouldn’t want her. Somebody please give some advice if you’re around, thank you.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 22, 2018, 01:45:18 AM
I replied to her message asking why she tbinkgs that. And she said ‘nothing has changed, that’s it’


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 22, 2018, 07:43:53 AM
I'm very sorry to hear you had a bad night at it.  I know that's rough.

It sounds as though she's in a place where she's crippled with shame.  If you search the message boards here and google about "BPD Shame" you will find many good readings.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/shame-powerful-painful-and-potentially-dangerous-emotion

Shame can drive her to feel unworthy.

What she's feeling shame over?  I don't know.  Maybe that she's so back and forth on your marriage?

It sounds like one of her main drivers for divorce right now is feeling unworthy.  That's just my read.  As before, keep talking/listening (listening especially!).  Now that words are flowing, it may be easier to discern what's going on.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 22, 2018, 12:31:44 PM
is there any kind of ongoing emotional crisis in her life, apart from the divorce, that you know of? possibly something that led up to her asking for divorce?

regardless, shes definitely going through a lot. these are common statements of an emotionally unavailable person, a lot of self loathing, a lot of "you deserve better".

it may seem counter intuitive, but try not to argue with her perspective or convince her how worthy she is, that sort of thing. it can feel like the natural inclination to argue that you do want her back, etc. this can actually reinforce feelings of unworthiness, shame, etc. it sounds like youve avoided doing that so far, but shes shutting down when you ask her to elaborate.

do you know when you might see her next?


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 22, 2018, 12:52:08 PM
She has been saying about divorce for the past 4 years, I just presumed it was her thing to try to hurt me as days later she was all over me like I’m the last guy on earth... .
She hit a motorcyclist 3 months ago as he ran a red light. He survived but she was affected by it, I sped to comfort her at the scene. Also her best friend dog died around a year ago and she didn’t Grieve properly over that. When she was messaging me yesterday she said her doctor has doubled her Prozac dosage but I didn’t ask any questions about it.
Maybe she’s feeling shame about the push/pull or maybe shame that she had affairs in the past (no sex but she said things happened with people at parties). She is also Mormon so maybe the shame hits her more that she feels even less worthy.
She is also studying for the lsat at the moment and in her messages yesterday it consisted of the lsat studying is very hard and maybe she should go back to being a graphic designer. I told her she is very smart and can become a lawyer but it’s also important to have backup plans if she chooses another path like graphic design. She said she wishes she had 5 lives to do everything she wants.
The conversation of the attorney is because she had been speaking to an attorney for the car crash and then asked if we should get an attorney, that’s when I said no I don’t want the divorce and that’s when she sent the texts.

Hope this makes sense, I’m at my wits end again on what to do and kind of having regrets of telling her I don’t want the divorce as that’s when she hit me hardest but basically saying she will get a lawyer if I don’t want it, but I guess she knows that so I think I’m just going to wait until she next contacts me and take your advice and listen and try not to let whatever she says get to me.

I am hoping to see her in 3 weeks. My dad has an operation two weeks today so I want to make sure everything is ok with him before flying back to Utah. I told my wife that.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 22, 2018, 05:51:53 PM
I am having mixed emotions now about telling her I didn’t want the divorce as maybe that’s what she was looking for? Please tell me I was righ saying that as I really don’t want the divorce but am worried it’s playing into her hands and that’s the control she was looking for... .?
I just spoke to her Mum on the phone as me and her Mum speak about my wife (wife doesn’t know as of course borderlines like everybody to think their marriage is perfect right) and her Mum says that she has sold loads of our stuff to raise money as she didn’t have any... .not a good sign but apparently she did this last week before all of the calls and texts this weekend to me... .and she has just started a double dose of prozac daily so maybe now she’s back on that her emotions are more stable and that’s why she started messaging me. I don’t know but what I do know if today has been a tough day.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 22, 2018, 07:11:05 PM
ill reply in greater depth when i get a chance but i wanted to say two things quickly:

1. it was not a bad move to tell your wife you do not wish to divorce

2. i see no sign your wife is playing control games with you

it took some being vulnerable to tell her what you said. thats okay, and it was necessary. being a bit vulnerable when trying to save a marriage doesnt give control to anyone.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 23, 2018, 03:18:41 PM
Also she might be feeling a lot of emotions because she got herself in like $15k of credit card debt by just spending loads on clothes etc. maybe that’s why she felt the need to sell things and is feeling extra pressure. I used to help her pay things at the beginning but she just kept spending more and more to I had to have a boundary.


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: once removed on August 23, 2018, 05:06:39 PM
Maybe she’s feeling shame about the push/pull or maybe shame that she had affairs in the past (no sex but she said things happened with people at parties). She is also Mormon so maybe the shame hits her more that she feels even less worthy.

how recently was that? did the two of you ever work it out? 


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 23, 2018, 08:16:43 PM
I offered to pay off her credit card debt around 18 months ago and had the cash to pay $5k but she said she didn’t want it. We didn’t work anytbing out, she grew the debt and had a boob job for $5k and spent more on random stuff including a cruise with her Mum for $5k. My mistake is that I told her I would pay the minimum
Payments when we were in dc but she got given a $2k payment from tax return just before we went so I thought it would be covered with the money she got as minimum payments were only $300 a month so I didn’t mention it and literally spent $10k on rent and a great lifestyle over the summer but all she talked about was the money I didn’t give her for the minimum payments and not all the money I spent to support her internship. My friends say it’s pure manipulation but I still feel bad


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 23, 2018, 08:18:22 PM
On the affairs she was dating s guy 3 years ago but didn’t have sex just spent time with him, then more recently around a year ago we were having sex and she told me she played spin the bottle
With guys so pretty much kissed and did other stuff. It she said she didn’t have sex and she said she wouldn’t while
Married to
Me.

And that was the reason I left last time as she told me during sex she had this spin the bottle so I left. A week later she begged me to go back as I was still in the same city so I told her to promise she would stop contacting other guys but I wasn’t strong enough making sure she would do it. I went back at that time


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Sufferingsoul34 on August 24, 2018, 06:23:58 AM
So I am in a dilemmma about what to do next. I haven’t heard anything more from her. Do I reach out to her or wait for her to reach out to me? I don’t want her to feel trapped in the marriage as maybe now she is thinking I am forcing to be with her, will a BPD feel trapped and want space and escape? When she reaches out to me what do I do? Just continue listening and acting normal? Do you think it’s a good idea to mention I can help with her minimum credit card payments if she’s having trouble paying? My heads kind of screwed up again with all of this and I hate not being able to communicate with her after she was calling me all weekend I feel like I’ve screwed things up still by mentioning I didn’t want the divorce, but she did bring it up... .


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: QBert on August 24, 2018, 12:41:10 PM
If it were me:

1. I'd stay with my current plan that I set out with, going home when I planned and previously communicated.
2. Maintain that you don't want a divorce, but you don't want her to feel a prisoner in the relationship.
3. Don't discuss any huge financial plans until the relationship has been set back to a place where you can see it continuing with some confidence.
4. Continue to talk and listen to her when she calls. 


Title: Re: Will my BPD wife come chasing me?
Post by: Harri on August 25, 2018, 09:26:11 PM
*mod*

This thread has reached its posting limit and been locked.  Find Part 2 here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=328616.0