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I switched one of my night classes, and my class is in a different building now.

I saw my exBPD... .

She was with a friend. I approached her (not sure why. To be honest I wanted her to miss me or see me and miss me) and I smiled and said, “hey how are you” and she looked at me disgusted and annoyed... .And said “I’m good” and turned her head back to texting.

I smiled and said, “it was good seeing you” and she said “yea”

And I walked away.

Not sure how I feel. I miss her but looking at her she still is the same person. I figured she would let things go. But nope.

I’m mad at myself. I’m so anxious... .

Hi CryWolf,  :hi:

It's good you ran into her and spoke. It's a chance to face the fear of the unknown. It happened. You survived it.  

Can you describe more about the anxiety? When/how/why it comes up? And how you deal with it?

Why are you mad at yourself?

take care buddy, pearl.

Yes I’ve been wondering about her. She still looks the same, acts the same. Still is a cold hearted bitch. I thought/hoped we both would grow in space and let go of the past. I wanted to be mature and paint a light on the breakup and any negative associations to diminish on both ends.

I was hoping she’d Think “wow he grew so much and matured. He isn’t that needy/etc as before”
I was hoping for a mature conversation.

I missed her so much and thought she would feel the same. But I’m still painted black.

I guess this is my closure.

I also realized that I have been doing so much better without her in my life and her crisis.

I am better at managing my anxiety, my future seems more clear, I am a much more different person than when I was with her. I have al these friends and memories that occurred after the breakup as to before my life was dull and everything was about her.

My ex makes me anxious, she makes me feel little and small. She makes me feel like ___. I thought all this would go away and it was just my thoughts projected. But no. My ex is still the same manipulative person. She did the same to her ex as she is doing to me.

I’m mad at myself because I went up to her and she probably thinks I’m still the same pathetic person as before. I was so pathetic during our breakup. I gave everything to her and she made me feel so worthless. She makes me anxious and my heart race.

At the same time i feel relieved I spoke to her and got it over with. She moved on and seems happier now, I have to move on too. It sucks.

I’m also asking myself why I stayed with sloneone like her for so long and allowed all the abuse. I guess I’m also mad that I went up to her again after all she put me through just make amends.

She still has my notes and doesn’t even want to give them back. I feel like I did so much just to be treated like dirt. I never want to be in that situation again.

Sorry for ranting. Wrote this while in class and it might be all over the place

I want my power back. i want her to feel the absense of me and regret. I am seeking to much validation on the situation and it’s hard to let go.

I feel childish for such a thing as I’m not a vindictive person. But she left me. Yet she acts like I hurt her by the way she acts. She’s like a little kid with her a Ilene treatment.

I’m still hurt she could even do such a thing to someone she said she’s loved.

This is my first relationship and I lost so much of myself, my time, my dignity for her. Yet she gives me the disgusted look, the same one she gives whenever she discarded me. The same one she knows gets under my skin and I try to plead more.

But this time I didn’t, I asked how she was doing. And said it was good seeing her and walked away.

The old me would have stuck around like a dog and seeked approval.

I feel relief, I feel anxiety, I feel anger. I feel clouded. I feel all the negative emotions  I did when I was with her. How can she just act like I never mattered? Why is iit not hard on her? How cold can she be? Why do I care?

Sorry if this is giving you guys a headache or I sound like I’m just been running in circles with my emotions right now.

Well, it is painful after a breakup that wasn’t the way you wanted it to be. You want to see her express some feelings toward you and what she did wasn’t what you wanted.

You behaved with dignity and you should be proud of that.   

At this point you can see clearly that she is treating you the same way she did with her previous ex, so that’s on her, not you.

Of course you’d like her to see that you’ve grown, but you’re looking for validation from the wrong person. You know you have and that you’ll be far healthier in a future relationship, so that’s very empowering. 

Some people, for whatever reason, are incredibly damaged and they cross our paths and we wonder what on earth we’re supposed to learn. I think you learned that you deserve more; you deserve a kind woman who will appreciate you and love you.

from whom? think about it.

when a relationship ends, so does the power struggle.

you have the power. what youre doing is trying to reverse the sense of rejection. in that regard, there is no power. trying is going to perpetuate those feelings of rejection.

it doesnt sound like you think all that highly of her at this point. and maybe im wrong in that, but it seems what you think more highly of is her approval. frankly, setting her aside, no ones approval is worth that much.

power might look like letting go of that, working toward giving it to yourself.

Does it sound to you like she made her feelings clear?

Yes. She couldnt even look me in the eye. She knows how much I hated being ignored, or her pretending like im not there by being on her phone. Right when she saw me, she went back on her phone. and replied to me when on her phone, like i had no value in her life.

This of course made me feel devaluated and less. This made me feel all the anxieties and stress of how it was when I was with her. I thought we could be adults but she is still the same person as before. She still dresses, acts, behaves the same.

I feel like I was looking forward to the day to show how much I changed and I held this value of her approval, and seeing her made me feel "why do I need her approval" and it makes me upset that it bothers me. When she went back on her phone, i told myself internally "i dont need this" and walked away. I felt amazing.

Now I look at her, and its like "why did I fall for her?" for 3 years what did she give me besides stress, frustration and anger? Sure there were times of love and joy but it was always disregarded by crisis and me running to her disposal to make her happy.

I guess a huge part is that Im upset at myself. I have felt like I have gotten my life back, but I resent her. Thank you so much for this. 

Hi CryWolf,

Sorry for the pain and anxiety you are feeling! Some breakups are just like this unfortunately! They knock you for a loop!

The first sudden, shocking one I had with someone who (looking back now) was amazing, but also had these BPD traits was absolutely horrible. I felt pretty pathetic myself! I can still remember the first time I saw him afterwards was at a funeral. A funeral! And he basically blew me off, even in that venue!

I wanted to talk to him so badly, to understand what had happened, but we never got to have any such conversations. He turned completely cold and never looked the same to me any of the times I saw him after that. (And there were a few more pathetic, undignified encounters unfortunately.)

Because I like to speak nicely of ex's it took me years before I could even admit to myself and say out loud that "I had dodged a bullet" by not "ending up" with him as my life partner. But it was hard to get to that point, to realize the wonderful person I thought I was with was really not so wonderful afterall - at least in terms of breakups and remaining friends, etc.

He married his very next girlfriend and had a kid with her. But by the time that happened it didn't sting anymore. It felt like he had ended up with the right person. And eventually I was able to be glad I met him, because it set me up to meet the next person I met and I brought new insights and made a better choice with my next partner. My next boyfriend was a great guy, and although we didn't end up together he's still one of my favorite guys because we never fought! We resolved issues in such an easy way, even our breakup was sort of poignant and sweet, the way we struggled to make that decision, not for any ugly reasons, just as a practical matter. I know he's a friend for life and would be there if I ever needed him and that means the world to me.

She may have been the first big relationship, but she's not the last, and you will go on to something so much better (I can tell you from experience!) and that lets you be the person you want to be... .that maybe you will look back a little bit grateful, even to this past painful experience, because it will have made you who you are today! And you will be that much better prepared for the next one.

Take the time to sit down and remind yourself of all the reasons you are a wonderful person to be with because it is true! Use that mind to boost yourself back up not tear yourself down! The world does enough of that, so use that powerful tool to be positive about yourself and be free from this pain (in time). You can do it!

big hugs, pearl.    

Crywolf,

All your feelings are completely natural.  But chalk it up as a win.  You saw how she feels, and learned that you can't get validation from her.  It's normal to want it, though.  Just not realistic, unfortunately. 

What did you get in three years?  An education.  Frustrating and painful at times, but what good education isn't?  I don't mean to be trite -- seriously, to have taken a few bumps in an early relationship can help set you up to make better choices in the next one.

What are you looking for in your next relationship?

WW

This is a very bright and positive way to look at it.  

In my next relationship,
I want good communication, empathy, I want someone who has motivation and drive and can speak for herself and know her purpose. Someone who isn’t so persuaded or close minded. Someone who can say no and has  boundaries and can say them.
Can support my goals and dreams as I can hers.

Someone who can give me the amount of love and affection without making me feel guilty or unlovable. Someone who is patient and understanding. I want laughter and joy and travel and the option of independence without feeling smothered. I don’t like being told what I can and can’t do.

I want to be their only option and not have to wonder and think about mind games. And being lost in translation. Honesty!

I think that’s enough mentioned for now

PS  They also must like Leonardo DiCaprio as much as me. And get mad when there was enough room for him to survive on that door during Titanic

 

riiight! empathy! 

Can you explore this a bit more?

I get the anxiety... .but I'm not connecting on the mad part.  I'm interested in more of your thoughts on the "mad thing".

FF

Post relationship dynamics are really hard for anyone to understand. We engage with someone intimately, share ourselves, we're #1 in their life, then... .there is nothing or even worse than nothing.

Imagine a couple that has been married for 25 years, raised kids together, buried family members, waited in hospital rooms during surgery, built a house, were parts of each other's family, and then, there is nothing. Or less than nothing (like the snub you got).

Human nature is hard to understand - especially in this area. I've heard many people say a breakup is much deeper loss than a death, for this reason.

Part of what hurts is that we often function in the mindset of being in the relationship after it is over, when indeed, the mindset is very very different in after a breakup.

You were man enough to approach her. You were man enough to not retaliate to the snub. The task now is to put it in perspective - this is just what happens when a relationship crashes and burns. This is where "Detachment" (something you are still working on) is so important. You have to find the strength in your character to dig deep and set the old relationship free, let it go with all its glory and bitterness.

It's a chapter in your life. Once you let it go, you can write that chapter (with the good and the not so good and the life lesson), and then move to the next one.

Crywolf - I totally feel you here. I saw my ex yesterday when he had to drop an important piece of mail to me. I totally forgive him. I feel no anger or grudge toward him. I was polite and thankful, but he gave me major attitude. Like you, I did not take the bait, did not get upset, did not engage, and I wished him a nice day.

These people are in deep pain, and I believe, that while they will never admit it, they do feel shame and embarrassment when we drop the drama and they simply CANNOT. My ex is not a college student. He is a 50 year old man with a professional career and two grown sons. He acted like your ex acted when we met. Why? Who knows? I can't imagine harboring that kind of hostility or defensiveness. I understand his disorder, however, and that's just how he deals with things that make him uncomfortable.

After he left yesterday, my only real thought was "Really?" But yeah... .really. That defensiveness is the moat, the fortress, the barbed wire around their fragile cores. It's all they have in the face of unimaginable inner turmoil. I feel compassion for my ex. It can't be a good way to live. To push away everyone who loves you, when all you want is love.

You are recovering, my friend. Yeah, it hurt, when she was rude to you, and you were angry at yourself and anxious. That is normal. You were polite to her and left on a pleasant note even though she was harsh toward you. You did good and should be proud. Taking the high road is the first step to getting yourself back. 

This resonated with me. I have some sort of flaw where I am not able to move on from things like other people. When I love somebody, it's a very strong attachment that is not easily reversed. I have never understood how people jump from relationship to relationship. I can't do it.

I need to learn the skills to actually completely detach and move on - not only from my BPD ex, but from other things as well. It's like my memories are stuck or something.

This resonated with me. I have some sort of flaw where I am not able to move on from things like other people. When I love somebody, it's a very strong attachment that is not easily reversed. I have never understood how people jump from relationship to relationship. I can't do it.

I need to learn the skills to actually completely detach and move on - not only from my BPD ex, but from other things as well. It's like my memories are stuck or something.


Like I wrote it myself!

CryWolf, that's a great list!

There's a book I recently noticed by Bill Eddy, who we mention around here a lot, called, Dating Radar: Why Your Brain Says Yes To "The One" Who Will Make Your Life Hell.  Basically, it's about how do stop from getting into a relationship with someone with a personality disorder.  I'm curious to read it.  If you get to it first, or if other members have read it, let us know!

WW

This is exactly what I felt when I got discarded. A total loss and missing someone you can never be with again. Except my ex is still out there living his life and going about things just like nothing happened. As I was left all alone picking up up broken pieces of myself.

Hey all. I’ll reply to everyone towards the end of the day. I try to avoid talking about my ex as it brings all the memories back and it hurts.

I was late to class this morning. I see this one girl From my others class and we were snapchatting this morning before we bumped into another. Then I was walking to class alone,

Saw my exwBPD across the sidewalk, she glanced at me, and I turned my head pretending I didn’t see her and kept walking. My smile went upside down when I saw her. But the feeling of missing her came back. I think someone mentioned earlier if me approaching her is out of habit. And perhaps.

Hey FF!
I was mad that I expected/hoped/thought that after months, she could converse with me. That we could be adults and catch up/talk like adults. Instead she did dismissed me. Her whole "power" play. I was mad that months and months I subconciously looked for the day to see her again. Show her the change in me, and hoped to see the change in her. Nothing changed on her end. I thought her being cold was only temporary but no. She genuinely hates me and is repulsed by me.

I was hoping deep down, she would see me and her feelings may come back. I know this sounds dumb. But for some reason I missed the idea of us again. Having a healthy rs. But I know this wont happen.

What keeps me up at night, is wondering if her and this new guy she possibly with is a healthy rs and what i couldnt give.


Sending lots of hugs your way. I felt this way too. You are not alone, and I still ask how they can move on like nothing happened.


The reason I didnt respond right away, was I had to take some time away from this. The following day, I have a "friend"/old classmate of my ex in my class. my ex mentioned this girl on her blog last semester. me and this girl are now partners and semi friends.

This is what happened, after class we walked together and she started telling about this bad breakup she had. then i told her mine, and i said "i think she was in ur class" and my classmate (cm) asked "who" and i refused at first to prevent drama. But she insisted and promised she wont say anything...

I told her my exes name, and she was shocked and speechless. She told me "wait that makes sense sorta, but im still shocked. etc" and then she asked me "are you the stalker ex?" and i said "what she called me a stalker?" and she said "yea she talked about this guy bringing her flowers late at night and dropping things off and always calling and texting her." and i said "no? all i did was email her once during the semester to thank her for everything and take care" and she said "oh wait, yea she mentioned that too." and i said " the other guy who stalks her is her ex, i remember a mutual friend telling me he still does that althought they broke up before we dated 3 years ago"...

my cm told me, "yea she mentioned you and the other guy throughout the semester, and how she has these guys chasing her, etc and stalking her" and i said "wow, i cant believe she told everyone about the email" she said "yea your the email guy she told us about.  she would randomly mention you or this other guy but she didnt really give names"

it makes sense, her ex's friend at a party told me he dropped roses off to her months ago but i thought he mistook the timeline for a long time ago, but i guess he still has been trying to get with her. and she probably gets off on it.

The messed up part, when me and her were dating she would give his belongings back, but with mine she wont. its like she has leverage and knows i will continue to contact her for it. but i have only asked once.

my cm told me "dont worry, she seemed like a  :cursing: and whenever in class she wouldnt have her way she would have anger tantrums" and i said "yup sounds like her"

and we both just talked about previous rs and she promised me not to tell my ex anything, and i said 'we dont even talk, i figured u guys would still be friends" and she said "no, but if u guys get together i dont want to be involved with her"
I told her, how her classmates used to stare at me in hallways and make me feel super uncomfortable last semester. Like people knew me and i had no idea who they were or what she was saying about me.  

and i said "i thought that guy in ur class was dating her? they took pics, and he was in my class and i used to follow him but i saw pics of my ex and blocked him"

she said, "oh that day? no that was a friend/group day but i didnt go and i dont think they are dating"

then a few days later, my other friend who follows that guy on snapchat told me he saw his snapchat with a pic of her at a resturant. i told him not to tell me.

I accepted she is probably with this guy, but i dont want to hear if she is happy. it sounds terrible but i dont want to hear it.

I didnt open much to my cm, because I dont trust much people these days. But we followed each other on instagram, and she shared a lot of personal stuff with me as well. we also joked and had a good time before our next classes.

throughout the day i was anxious i shared too much with her, but she ended up adding me on snapchat around 1am. so i guess we are good friends now. plus in class we a have group of 3 for a project and our professor made us break into 2 people for another project and she tried having our professor put us together and she found me another partner.

but yes this occured last week, today we hung out again after class for a bit. she seems cool and i doubt she would tell my ex things but i am of course being weary and not mentioning her anymore. I am heartbroken my ex would tell other people about the email i sent her. it was supposed to be a final goodbye and thankful email i worked so hard on and even had all your opinions on.

Sorry if i went off on a tangent, I like talking to you all. people my age dont seem to give good insight.

CW, I'm thinking I'm glad I went to school in the days before cell phones and SnapChat.  Oh, so far before those days ;)

It's nice that you got some validation from your classmate, though perhaps try to let that topic fade and concentrate on non-ex topics with her in the future.  It sounds like you're making progress, being able to look away from her instead of feeling like you have to go up to her.

Healing takes time.  Progress isn't steady; you may backslide, then have a jump forward.  You are on the right track. 

WW

Thank you WW!

And yes social media today is a burden and a gift. Also I think it explains why a lot of people my age are on antidepressants, mood stabilizers, etc. it’s sad.

Today we hung out and my ex wasn’t mentioned. Plus I think it’s good I don’t show I’m affected by her still. This is a huge step for me. Because typically anyone that knows my ex or of her I would vent my heart out. Today we hung out and was just fun. We made plans for up in the air about future events as well but we’ll see.

So far the semester is going great, besides my anatomy class kicking my butt. I missed my ex again today maybe because I saw her. But when these feelings come. I just ask why. And let it run it’s course. I miss the good and the good ideas.

When Wentworth and I were in school,  only rich people had cell phones and the Internet was not long out of the control of DARPA.

Socially, I felt it was like a quantum leap from high school to college; then again, another going into my career,  which opened me up into meeting yet another cohort. I'd give (grace) yourself time,  CW. There are so many women out there to get to know. 

Very true, but for once in my life. I dont feel the need to chase anyone, or pursue or be in a relationship. I am finding peace being single and it feels amazing. Although, i have the moments of wanting to date and court and be romantically involved. I think whats possibly best for me right now is my education and career. I spent too much time putting other girls first that maybe I should put that same energy into myself.

Hopefully the right one comes along and its effortless. (something that has never happened yet)

Now is a great time to invest in yourself!  That is a wise observation.

Umm... .about effortless   From what I've heard about normal relationships, they're still a fair bit of work   I'm certain I must have recommended Gottman's, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  It's a must read for a guy your age.  Ignore the "marriage" part for now.  It's good for any relationships.

WW

You have recommended! I need to start reading books for fun again. I buy books but YouTube consumes my other time  

you can be single for ten years and still carry the same baggage into the next relationship if you dont invest in fully grieving, resolving, and healing.

i had a not unsimilar story when i was in high school. ill be as brief as i can be, but i think there are some good take aways, some similar lessons.

there was a gal i chased near the end of my freshman year, who more or less liked me, but i could never quite attract. she liked my emotionally unavailable friend who would speak horribly of her, and then sleep with her. she did and does have BPD traits (we are actually very good friends today). we remained friends, and by the next year, i was disenchanted, and by the time i was, she came on very strong, and pretty quickly she was my girlfriend, my first serious one in high school, first high school kiss, the whole nine yards.

i overlooked (and was attracted to) the sob stories, how every guy in her past was a stalker, how vengeful she could be, but ill give myself a pass, i was 15  

early on in our relationship, she told me we should drop the officiality, that it complicated things for her, and i was all for it, i just wanted to be with her at any cost. the dynamic was mostly that when i was tired of her  :cursing:, shed pursue, and i picked up on that. for being in high school, it was better than the really heavy deep, needy, totally engulfing stuff i did, but please understand all of thats elementary stuff.

fast forward to when she went cold on me, and slept with another guy at a party. all i really cared about was whether she still wanted to be with me or not. she wasnt sure. a few days later, she was telling me about how she came to her senses, how this guy was bad news, how he was stalking her, and she wanted to be with me. some time later (a while after we broke up) i would learn that he felt really badly about what happened at the party, that she pursued him really hard, and that he wanted nothing to do with her. figures  :(

but it wasnt too long after that that she found somebody else. this time i had to find out about it second hand. she just went cold on me, and totally disappeared (i dont think the term "ghosted" was popular at the time, but i remember writing in my journal that it felt that way). i can still remember how many phone calls i placed trying to reach her. i can still remember waiting for the bell to ring, positioning myself by the classroom door, and running out to try to run into her at the place where we used to meet up between classes; she was taking another way, i guess.

my memory gets a little blurry here, but things went south between us. i started trying to get my things back. i remember approaching her in the lunch line, and she starts screaming, at the top of her lungs "QUIT STALKING ME. QUIT. STALKING ME!". i still gotta give it to her god bless her, how does one handle that? turns out someone was also telling her about how i was positioning myself at the classroom door. that was embarrassing.

meanwhile, she was, with a friend, driving by my house and honking. she posted a picture with a photo of me taped to it on a pillar in the cafeteria, making fun of my nose, and she sicked her friends on me. and i was the stalker  :(

the honest truth is that at 15-16 years old, this really messed with my mind. we were very close. she was one of my best friends. she was my first serious high school girlfriend (if you can reasonably call it that), and what we had shared meant a lot to me. here she was treating me like her worst enemy. in my mind, i had to both mourn her, and hate her at the same time. my way of moving on was to find someone else, carry out and replay that same baggage and attempt to heal through it. after a couple more disastrous, heartbreaking relationships, i remained single for three years, and then i got with the ex i refer to regularly here.

buddy. theres a better way.

dont hate her. she was your first, and thats so significant. you will learn lessons from it for years to come. some of it you will cherish. some of it will make you shake your head and cringe. dont idealize her. there will be many more. dont pursue her or approach her. maybe it feeds her ego, but its really not self respectful. approaching and reapproaching someone that has given you the cold shoulder isnt stalking, but its the quickest way to serve yourself a cold helping of rejection. you dont want it to be screamed at you in public... .half my life later i still dont know how to deal with that  . dont date in order to get over her or find someone better, or to heal. do it (when youre ready) in order to get to know a person you like.

grieve. cry. mourn. for as long as it takes. be gentle with, and love yourself through the process. rise above the "stalker" drama and dont feed into it. then learn the lessons, the toughest ones. a first love and its loss can create deep, long lasting wounds, but with good "bandaging" we dont have to carry them. they can heal, and make us stronger. and maybe, just maybe, youll go to her halloween party in ten years and laugh about it all.

"and as you climb up to the roof, youre just chillin, you look down and youre so over em, you can put the heel of your foot through the ceiling".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKdYs6xhnhU

Just trying to balance up in my mind the benefits of talking about her at all to anyone you dont fully trust and how that can cause anxiety.

It helped me to an extent that I made a fresh new circle of friends and id lightly sometimes mention my ex, it was a problem shared a problem halved approach. It worked because they werent in anyway connected.

Yet your ex is in your college, attention seeking, baiting for any sort of evidence she can leverage to show that "look at me, the victim of all these stalker guys" the implication being that she must be so hot and unique above her peers on desirability that guys cant just avoid chasing her.

I really urge you to find only people you can trust entirely that nothing you talk about her gets twisted back. "promises" are not good enough, the mere fact that a promise was made when it should already be taken as a given that nothing would be talked about anyway, for me is a concern - is it a friendly superflous reassurance that what you say is going to be kept privvy or is it a means to open you up to divulge more.

We all need a trusted ear, college was a sanctuary for me, I cant imagine the strength you have to put up with facing her and simultaneously moving on - I understand - but if I was in your position I would be careful who to trust, it sounds like your unsure and uncomfortable about sharing your thoughts but find some relief in doing so. Its gambling though, we need listening ears, but trusted, impartial ones not anyone who has the potential, unwittingly or not, to say something where mountains get made out of mole hills. Even if it gets back that you have been speaking about her, regardless of the context, feeds more strength to whatever (and do you know everything?) she may or may not be saying about how you just wont leave her alone and move on; the archetypal villain of shunned romance. The spurned guy who wont give up. This is the typecast role she is trying to portray, ignore the script and dont play along is the way to fade this away.

Please break out of the stage drama and let it fade down, concentrate on your life and be careful who you trust in a time of being still emotionally vulnerable and needy for support.

If it causes you any anxiety that your talking about her, the solution is; stop doing it.

Cromwell really nails it here! I thought it might be helpful to add a female perspective to this conversation. Both you, CryWolf and once removed, got ensnared by a "man-eater."

I ran into a few of this type of women, who treated men as disposable. To other women, these types look really needy, often trashy, and ultimately lost--even though to men they can appear worldly, sexy and desirable.

Lots of women keep these man-eaters at a distance because we know that our boyfriends are not safe from being another head on their wall. (I experienced that with one of them--she was sneaking around with my BF and I didn't realize it until I was with him, in her living room, talking with some of her roommates and I happened to have a perspective where I could see down the hall. She came out of the shower, made alluring eye contact with my BF, who was sitting closer to the hallway, and "accidentally" dropped her towel. She had no idea that I saw the entire spectacle. But I knew then what was going on.)

She and others of her ilk collected men like charms on a charm bracelet. Often, when they were in between boyfriends, they would hook up with one of the formerly discarded charms, who couldn't believe his good fortune.

I know it hurts, CryWolf, and perhaps I'm being too dismissive of her, but it seems as though she fits the pattern I've seen before. And your classmate basically said she doesn't want to be involved if you get back together with her. That tells you a lot.

CryWolf,

Everyone here is giving you some solid insights, and definitely some encouraging words.  It sounds like she still has a little bit of a hold over you, bud.  That's not your fault, BPDs can be extremely captivating and these invisible tendrils weave their way into you and your life. Its almost like parts of them get into your marrow.

I would say that you definitely should look at this all as one huge learning experience.  It ain't easy, but when you had originally mentioned 'she moved on, I guess I need to. It sux' - I don't think it does. 

Look, I think each and every one of us have some form of regret or frustration or emotion over the time and energy that we've put into our relationship; and whether your relationship w/ a borderline ended or not, it still can be really distressing to feel like you 'wasted' so much and now have little to show for it.

It happens man. No sugarcoating it.  My best words of advice would be to forget the image of her that you thought was who you were getting involved with.  Most likely, that image was something in your mind only. She may have been that for a short time, but it was just to get you in for her own needs and purposes.  Sucking up any loss is hard to do.  Pride doesn't always taste good - but its your, and you can stomach it.  Play it like Gotye, man.

... .now she is just somebody that you used to know... .

I hope you're able to put it behind you and move on!

I was walking with a friend. i saw the back of this girl, and not sure if it was my ex. had the same backpack, and haircut. similar walk. but the leggings she was wearing was something my ex would never wear. this girl seemed to have really thick thighs. I asked my friend if she thinks thats her and she said "no she isnt that thick unless shes been getting good sex"... my mind went haywire. my friend said i shouldnt care, and i dont even know it was her. But the backpack, haircut were similar. Idk. I could be

I started wondering if shes been having sex and why she stopped with me and all these different scenarios. Im thinking about how shes probably having sex with someone else and i dont even know if it was her. Im so anxious now, and just need to set myself but I cant. im in class and im just wondering. When i saw her 2 weeks ago she didnt look like she got thicker/working out. but now my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me how she is happier, having lots of sex living her best life without me and my whole "i wasnt good enough" thoughts are coming up. Im in class as I write this, and I cant focus.

she shouldnt even matter anymore. I do so good, and then little things out of nowhere make my mind go crazy. I want her happy, but at the same time I dont. its childish. I just dont want to see her anymore. I dont want any connections or anything.

whether this girl was my ex or not, i dont want to be affected. my friend told me it was probably all the caffiene I had and my mind is playing tricks and i shouldnt worry.

I guess what I’m implying is I’m not sure if my ex is doing better without me and was I the reason for all the pain and agony? Is she now happy when she left me? Why did she stop having sex with me and telling me she doesn’t like sex but now all of a sudden with someone else? I don’t even know if it was her... .

She was the way she is before you and will be the way she is after you and you're not the reason for her problems. It's unfortunate that you are in a situation where you have to run into her (or her doppelgänger) but it's a good opportunity to strengthen your own emotional reserves. Not fun, but it's another one of those "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" things.  

I ended up taking a photography class in college and my ex had also signed up for that, unbeknownst to me. At that point, he was stalking me at home and at work, so it was quite uncomfortable. We just went NC in class, except for one assignment when we had to work together, but by the end of class, though it was still awkward, it was tolerable and that was the end of our contact, ever.

So you're newly navigating these issues, so give yourself a lot of slack. It will take time but you'll get there and it won't be so painful.    

Cat

In some ways I feel I did make things more difficult for my ex, unwittingly. Its by enabling parts of the condition without conciously realising it.

When I split with her after 3 years together and finally went proper NC, within 4 weeks she got herself a job, when I saw her at that point she was visibly happy, told me she was no longer on drugs, her newfound identity came out of nowhere but for that moment she was thriving. She also told me when we were together that I had made her mental health worse. It really upset me, to think that I did everything for her, rescued her, kept her out of trouble. Its true, I was partly her caretaker and kept her safe from the troubles she got into. At the same time, being there to do it is a bit like how people drive more recklessly when they have car insurance. When i left and that safety net was gone, she became resourceful and it took me by surprise, she wasnt so incompetent at dealing with life as she had perpetually portrayed. It just suited her and was more convenient for someone to carry her weight.

I was also majorly used as an amateur alternative to therapy, her trusted shoulder to cry upon. It enabled her to not bother to going for real help.

The truth is, she hasnt made major strides, she has just switched to finding a new enabler elsewhere. We werent the reason for the pain and agony Crywolf, but we werent the real cure either. I see myself and i interpret most of these relationships as people stabilising and protecting our BPD partners as best we can, but at the same time providing a crutch that is a replacement for them seeking professional help they need. It gets them accustomed to simply seek enablers rather than begin hard work on their issues.

are you these things without her?

i remember my first love. a whole lot of fighting. a whole lot of tears.

i dont know if it was a matter of "it was me/it was her". we were two young and immature people that loved and also hurt each other... .not unlike my ex and me.

but after that ended, and as for the rest of my life, it was me and it was about me solely, i was the common denominator. my baggage didnt end just because my relationship did any more than it did for my exes.

we dont get do overs, and we dont want to carry that baggage into the next relationship. we can learn important lessons though, about life, about love, about ourselves, and thats where the real healing is.

I am doing my best to appreciate my time with her and our memories spent together. She shaped me into the person I am today. Helped me grow up and see difference in things. I am still hurt, and affected by the break up. I need to accept this, and be okay with how I'm feeling instead of pushing it away and telling myself no dont feel anything anymore in regards to her. But everytime I see her, or something similar or someone that looks like her, feelings come rushing. I get reminded of so much. I blame myself and im too critical on myself.

Lately ive been blaming myself for everything wrong in my life and comparing myself to others. Everything she accused me of Im trying not to be or fall into those patterns. This is a toxic habit that I should get rid of. I appreciate and love my ex, but at the same time I hate and resent her for so much hurt and pain. And I assume this is part of moving on and grieving. I want my life back and I am in a way better position in life than when i was with her. But I wish she was here and seeing it. I think this also goes with the attatchment we had. But also, I can see approval seeking/validation seeking in this which I ask myself now, and try to stride away from. Never in my life was so i so close with anyone before, besides her. And her leaving stripped so much away from me. I sometimes question if im also narc, or any traits. My t says im not.

I wish I stopped seeing her on campus, but i guess the next step is to work on my feelings when i do see her and not stumble into anxiety and obsessive thoughts again. No one has ever made me cry so much in my life, unlike she has.

Thank you all for being here for me, for so long and understanding.

Just found out my ex is officially with someone.

I can relate CryWolf, but does it really matter what she thinks, anymore? did it ever really ever matter? her or anyone else?

Wether she admires you, or envys you, would like you back as the stronger person, or begrudge that you wouldnt be hurt so easily now as once was.

When I texted my ex to tell her I was going to work - there was no reply in the midst of all the chitter chatter.

Part of going LC, had an element of "if only you could see me now"... .natural confidence in our life achievements i believe shouldnt require external validation.

Did she make you feel insecure, that youd fallen below some sort of standards she expected? You gotta untangle from this CryWolf, not only have you went on to accomplish things you are proud of - youve done it in the midst of shouldering a lot of emotional burden. Imagine what your potential to achieve when that is gone too

I have no idea how your ex will rate you now, just as much as I dont know mine. Mines had a track record of peddling in misery, highlighting negatives - I dont think she will be all that interested, my wellbeing doesnt correlate to her need fulfillment. When I got a new job when we were together, the first thing she asked was how much id be getting paid.

if my getting on track has with it, an open door for her to come in and sabotage again with her seduction or to use me again. Thats my best guess to. In the absence of ever truly knowing - if we say that you wish she was seeing your progress - whats your best guess about how shed feel? Would it not feel weird for her to all of a sudden fall in love with this "new" person?

Im just interested because in my mind there seems simply no point to it in detaching, if anything, it is holding you back.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-hn4rx644sc (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-hn4rx644sc)

On the second floor of the library studying with my classmate. I look across the window and see someones back sitting down studying in the computer section of the library. Could be my ex or not. Similar shirt, how she sits and does her homework.

Or could be someone else. I keep glancing over, but trying to remind myself whether it is or isnt will not change anything. Another thing is, when i seem to notice her or someone that could be her, is when I am lacking sleep and have only slept 3-4 hours the night before. Could be mind playing tricks on me.

it doesnt matter, but for some reason i feel like she still has this say or hold over me. And im still trying to please her. Its not there as before, but now i still feel it at times.

i replay all the good memories and idea's of what could of been when i see her. I am doing better though,  but its still hard.

When i got a raise at my last job, I took her out to celebrate. Told her and she said "yea ive heard that before." referring to my previous job which i kept getting told i was getting raise but didnt. I felt like my raise was overshadowed from my previous job and how I was lied to about getting a raise for months until that company went out of business...  

I felt like I always had something to prove to her and show my worth...

Hey, CryWolf. I take great interest in this comment.

I felt like I always had something to prove to her and show my worth...

Perhaps you’re on to something here. It’s been expressed quite often around here that our pwBPD are severely lacking in self worth, that they have little to no sense of self and that they mirror and project. Could it be possible that you ended up feeling this way because of the aforementioned?

Hi CryWolf,

As I read your post I have this sense of your ex like being a ghost in your life. She haunts you. She is always there on the edges, filling in the space, those missing pieces, those doubts and insecurities. I’ve mentioned many times a 13 mo. relationship I had and how that haunted me for awhile. It ended suddenly with no chance to resolve things or understand why. I was left alone with a heap of feelings to process and no answers - that made it harder to get over, but get over it I did in time and with perspective. And eventually I could see clearly I had “dodged a bullet” although at the time he seemed like one of the most amazing people I’d ever met. He was a talented musician, mentor, and teacher, seemed to have good values, he gave very selflessly to others, he was kind, caring, and generous, we had a superb sex life, he was comedian level hilarious, etc...

Again, your mind is a tool. Use it. And so is time. Time will pass. This will all fade. I promise.

When you see this “ghost” talk to it…and gently tell it to go away and leave you in peace. It is okay to remember the good parts, and look back fondly, I always do, but make her the past. Once that ghost is at peace it will stay in the relationship graveyard rather than come out and disturb you on the surface. Life is for living. Regrets are for leaving behind, letting them go. There is no going back in time.

You were absolutely “good enough” no matter the mistakes you may have made. We all make mistakes, they don’t have to be dealbreakers if we are with loving people who care to make things better with us. If they aren’t willing to do that they were not the right person for us. Period. Illness or no illness.

This guy I briefly dated was great in many ways, but ultimately, he was not the right person for me. Not at all. As painful as it was though I don’t regret meeting him. He spoke 3 languages I think and well, after that everyone I dated spoke 4-5 of them! And I always had great sex because sex is about love for me, not any magic numbers someone can do. So. Check! There were always interesting people, and great conversation, and laughter, and dreams, and hopes and love and then comes the work! Then come the real tests, and the right timing, to have even a hope of a chance at “forever”. Let your heart be at peace.

The best thing you can do to be ready for the next relationship is to learn to really love and be happy with yourself. Then no one can bring you down. And no one is ever truly lost or gone. They have changed you a bit. Added to your life. This guy helped me to make some shifts in who I was dating, some of these changes worked out, some didn’t. Pain didn’t go away in my love life, but that is okay, you cannot eliminate all pain. There has always been a bit, but that is the beauty of life really. The risks we take for love. How beautiful that we get that excitement even if it is brief and fleeting.

You met her, she’s gone now. But that changed your life for the better. You got inspired to be a better person, a better partner to the next woman you meet, you won. Life did not defeat you. There is so much more to come! I promise! Good stuff, really good stuff is coming.

warmly, pearl.

In a healthy r/s, one shouldn't have to do this,  much less feel it, though the latter is more about us. 

Both my ex and my mother shamed me about things like this,  though I've done far better than either of them financially.

You know those old sayings: "Time heals all wounds" and "Time wounds all heels."  I don't know your story well, but it sounds like she wasn't very nice to you. From what I see of you here, you are a great guy, very kind and understanding, and deserve an equal who will treat you well.

As pearl has said, you've learned a lot from this relationship and that will serve you well and will attract a much kinder, healthier woman into your orbit.

CryWolf, a lot of this I think you know yourself will be partially due to lack of sleep.

In addition, the anxiety of having her at college, I could only begin to start to settle down and forge a new life when she was out of sight, if not out of mind.

I think I recall this was your first relationship? Its going to be an extra whammy, but there is also a very big advantage to it happening you will be an emotionally strong person and the harder it feels to overcome, the stronger you will be once you do. In the meantime, please concentrate fully for no1, she had her chance, there is nothing more to "please", but getting yourself to your goals; keep pace with your studies, if you want my advice; cut your losses here as well as accept that there will be other disappointments in life, other dreams that done turn out how we wouldve liked them to. At the same time there will be more relationships, ones that will bring you joy, rather than upset.

pleasing her is not helping her, it is enabling her. If your beating yourself up for what I remember you saying a few months ago that you felt you didnt do enough - its because your right. Whilst many BPD seek out "nice" people, it isnt the cure for them, neither is it to be accepted that they will treat them nice in return for it.

is it possible you tried to please her too much? Many have abnormal distrust issues, the more you do, the more the hidden agenda theories crop up in their minds. Sometimes in life we "lose" anyway, despite our best efforts. Shes with someone new, moving on with her life, the obligation to please if it was ever made one surely has become redundant, or in my opinion, should be.  It sounds like a strong thought pattern habit that became ingrained and needs a bit of time to break free from.

Hey all, sorry for the late reply. I have been so busy with school...

I saw my ex on campus yesterday. I didnt feel much. I got a churning feeling. I walked by her, then had to walk past her again to use the restroom and back to class as she was standing with classmates.

My stomach was churning and I didnt know what to feel and didnt feel much. Later that night I thought about her and how she was doing.

Just now, I saw my classmate's instagram story. My ex and her possible new man were posted on there. I saw her and heard her voice... .

Here I am again...

I dont know if this classmate told her anything. We both opened up about previous relationships, and now I dont know if I should have trusted her.

It sounds like what you are feeling is anxiety. Doesn't that sound consistent with a lot of your thoughts and behaviors?

The good news is that anxiety is common and highly treatable ... .both with medication and with therapeutic techniques that you can learn to self-administer. How about making an appointment with your university's student health services or counseling center?

I noticed it’s mostly whenever I see,hear, her or anything that remotely has to do with her. It gets triggered Bad. Not sure if it’s ptsd.

I have been seeing a school therapist for months now. He wanted me to see him less and less because I’ve improved so much. As for anxiety I know I’ve had it for a while but it’s better managed now with putting less stress on situations. And going with it without hoping for a specific outcome and forcing it.

Haven’t slept in over 24 hours. Took a huge exam. And then my female friend (pretty cute) wanted to catch up.

We’re sitting and talking, and I’m dressed in sweats and a hoodie and a hat. I don’t really dress this bad but today was an exception, and then my ex walks through the door and sees me and her sitting. I saw her give a quick glance while she was on the phone.

My anxiety didn’t go off as much as before. Not sure if I miss her or the idea of her. Still love her but I suppose we’re both in better places now.

My classmate had lunch with her and the guy who i thought she was dating. Last week. I told her “I saw your ig story and she looks happy, im happy for her” and my classmate said “they aren’t dating, we’re jut all close friends from that class. She’s happy being single”.

Crywolf,

Im glad that you are getting more intune with these feelings, listen to them and dont fear them

also dont "worry" about whats already been done, it serves no practical purpose.

Your ex is not the only problem, there is a building you are in (and this is not to scare you) TEEMING with an assortment of disorders, a few psychos sprinkled inbetween. In the median, will be gullible, gossip hungry sheep who like anything to distract attention from their own vaccuous lives.

this is where you and your ex come into the Stage play.

just remove the fuel and that involves finding consolment in secure 3rd parties, a counsellor, or here for instance. to repeat

your ex is not the only potential problem, is not rare, use this experience to build safe guards in, ive spent many careers having to tip toe around; "Psychos" for lack of a better term. At the least, there are those with such vaccuous lives that to spread gossip about you and get some drama, distracts away from their own emptiness

at your expense.