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Title: Are you now over cautious? Post by: RandallUk30 on September 02, 2018, 01:16:11 PM I found that I’ve been a attracted to a woman that I’m thinking could have BPD traits and not sure if I’m being too cautious. I’ve known her ten days and she’s full of energy one minute and then seems to crash the next. It’s the same with her flirting whereby she flirts and makes it very obvious she likes me and ended up telling me and then the next minute she blows cold. I could be overreacting but what I think are 2 red flags flew up.
1. About 5 days in she said “hey, you know you’re the sort of guy I’d marry” - we hadn't chatted much up until this point. 2. Both her exes were apparently crazy and stalked her. After my BPDx I’m really reluctant to get to know this woman further as I don’t want to get sucked in and I’m thinking I’ll friend zone her and hopefully she goes off me but at the same time I’d be gutted if she was quite “normal” if I didn’t venture forth, although I have a niggling feeling there is more to her than meets the eye. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: MeandThee29 on September 02, 2018, 02:32:09 PM After my BPDx I’m really reluctant to get to know this woman further as I don’t want to get sucked in and I’m thinking I’ll friend zone her and hopefully she goes off me but at the same time I’d be gutted if she was quite “normal” if I didn’t venture forth, although I have a niggling feeling there is more to her than meets the eye. Trust your gut. I recently listened to a talk by someone who was talking about distorted relationships, and she commented several times that it is important to trust your gut about people and to develop that when you've been in a bad relationship. Some of us got in the habit of not trusting our gut. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: once removed on September 02, 2018, 03:29:06 PM i dont think the key to healthier dating is over cautiousness or hypervigilance.
it tends to suggest fear and woundedness, and possibly unresolved emotional unavailability. a healthy prospect will sense it, and balk. a less healthy prospect will tend to connect with it, and not usually in the healthiest of ways. healthy dating, to me, is more about finding, attracting, and connecting with what you want in a partner, than a hunt for red flags and how to avoid them. the former tends to filter out the latter. try thinking more in terms of yellow-flag s vs red-flag s. theres no danger in what you describe of her, and its stuff you will hear a lot of in the dating world. I have a niggling feeling there is more to her than meets the eye. its difficult to know anyone in ten days. real connection with a person is slowly built over time, even years. my advice is not to friendzone her and hope she gets the hint. its a passive tactic, and might likewise send a "hot and cold" message. if its not doing it for you, and she has expectations, let her know. if youre not sure, dating is about getting to know someone. theres no getting sucked in in that if youre clear on your terms and expectations. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Turkish on September 02, 2018, 10:21:57 PM "Trust your gut" is sage advice, but all of us here have guts which are wounded. It's good to take a pause and realize that as well.
How old is this woman? If in her 20s, I'd not think too much of her comment about you being marriage material. If 30s, 40s or older, I'd be cautious. Even so, my T reminded me about future women my age would have wounds much like I did now. "Show some Grace" is what I think he was telling me. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: EdR on September 03, 2018, 12:49:00 AM The combination of thos two statements would make me cautious as well.
Maybe you can find a way to talk with her about the 'stalkers'? She may find that you are supportive, so no harm done. But in the meantime you could filter her story and notice when something is off. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: bus boy on September 04, 2018, 10:56:15 AM Just what Turkish said, trust your gut.
I do find I'm extra cautious but i listen to my gut. I dated a woman for a few months, she never once said one bad thing about her ex's but I saw behaviour I didn't like and when I saw 3 acts of this behaviour I broke it off with her and I told her I didn't like her over reaction to a simple situation. There were other things but her behaviour made me decide to end it. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: RandallUk30 on September 07, 2018, 04:33:00 PM Thanks all!
Well my gut was right! That something off about her is that she does have a severe mental health disorder. I don’t think I could take on a dissociative identity disorder along with depression and OCD. She’s a sound girl with commendable resilience and very bubbly etc. But I think she’s going to be a friend rather than more. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: MeandThee29 on September 07, 2018, 04:49:56 PM Thanks all! Well my gut was right! That something off about her is that she does have a severe mental health disorder. I don’t think I could take on a dissociative identity disorder along with depression and OCD. She’s a sound girl with commendable resilience and very bubbly etc. But I think she’s going to be a friend rather than more. Good call. Develop that gut! I'm working on that too. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Zen606 on September 08, 2018, 12:10:36 AM Hi Randal and Me and Thee
Thank you! You reminded me of what I easily forget, trust my gut -- it's not enough to see or sense, one also needs to trust what they are picking up Zen606 Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: MeandThee29 on September 08, 2018, 04:39:01 PM Hi Randal and Me and Thee Thank you! You reminded me of what I easily forget, trust my gut -- it's not enough to see or sense, one also needs to trust what they are picking up Zen606 I have a gut story too. I won't relate the details, but there was clearly something very wrong with someone who introduced themselves as my "new coworker" on Friday. There were multiple alarm bells going off with how they spoke to me, and I noticed that another coworker was trying very hard to be busy and ignore them. Apparently the "new coworker" was fired a few hours later. It was bad enough that they had a security officer present when they did it who escorted them out. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: once removed on September 10, 2018, 04:02:27 PM this may not be the most popular opinion, but im not sure using our gut is always the most reliable, best use of our judgment.
our gut is heavily linked to our feelings and emotions, things like fight or flight responses. this is probably never more true than when we are fresh out of our relationships, and wounded - why so many of us can be over cautious. Excerpt Intuition has its place in decision making—you should not ignore your instincts any more than you should ignore your conscience—but anyone who thinks that intuition is a substitute for reason is indulging in a risky delusion. Detached from rigorous analysis, intuition is a fickle and undependable guide—it is as likely to lead to disaster as to success. And while some have argued that intuition becomes more valuable in highly complex and changeable environments, the opposite is actually true. The more options you have to evaluate, the more data you have to weigh, and the more unprecedented the challenges you face, the less you should rely on instinct and the more on reason and analysis. ... . The most dangerous of these flaws, when it comes to intuition, is our deep-seated need to see patterns. The mind’s well-documented facility for pattern recognition seems to lie at the very core of intuition—it’s how the brain synthesizes information from the past and uses it to understand the present and anticipate the future. But it can get us into trouble. Researchers have shown that our unconscious desire to identify patterns is so strong that we routinely perceive them where they don’t in fact exist. When confronted with a new phenomenon, our brains try to categorize it based on our previous experiences, to fit it into one of the patterns stored in our memories. The problem is that, in making that fit, we inevitably filter out the very things that make the new phenomenon new—we rush to recycle the reactions and solutions from the past. "using our heads" can be just as risky. how many of us saw reasons not to enter our relationships, or saw the writing on the wall when it was over, but remained. justification, rationalization can be powerful forces that can feel and seem very reasonable. so what can we trust? when faced with a potential risky situation, short of a life of death consequence, i think its best when we synthesize the two (use our Wisemind) and evaluate. Excerpt Reasonable/Logical mind, Wise Mind, Emotion Mind Wise Mind is that place where reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap. It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable/logical mind. The goals of mindfulness practice are simply to practice and to experience “Wise Mind”. You’re in Wise Mind when your emotions and your thoughts work together so that wise action is easy, even when your life and/or circumstances are really hard. You’re in Wise Mind when you can meet each moment of life as it is, not as you would have it be, and respond to it skillfully. more info here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind https://hbr.org/2003/05/dont-trust-your-gut www.bbc.com/future/story/20180525-should-you-trust-your-gut-feelings https://independent.co.uk/news/business/news/4-reasons-you-should-never-listen-to-your-gut-a6713931.html https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12747167 Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Zen606 on September 10, 2018, 08:30:30 PM Hi Once Removed.
Perhaps the key is in the Wise Mind, the midway between the emotional -- child, and the rational -- adult. I am just learning that in therapy and its not easy to conceptualize but it sure makes sense once it happens. Zen606 Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Turkish on September 10, 2018, 09:43:55 PM Not trusting your gut goes against what Gavin de Becker advises in his books, like The Gift Of Fear (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=101561.0;all). He isn't talking about relationships as such, but more personal security.
I think the point is that we should check our assumptions and world-views, yes? Such as my ex's, who doesn't trust men. Such a view can affect functionality negatively. For example, she ago but accused me of being a molester when I was making kissy noises on then D1's head. Her gut reacted given previous trauma in her life. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Zen606 on September 11, 2018, 08:23:09 PM Hi Turkish,
An interesting observation. Given that gut reactions carry with them our past experiences, how do we know when the reaction is right on or from an origin of trauma? I think that the gut reaction is instinctual, we are born with it and inherit it from our ancestors but our experiences give it a specific twist. What do you think? Zen606 Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Turkish on September 11, 2018, 10:30:16 PM I think it's easy to analyze after the fact (which is what we all do). At my middle age, at least, I think back to what my T said, "you're wounded, and those whom you might date at your place in life are also likely wounded." I think he was saying, "give it some grace."
The much younger security guard at work who was throwing heavy hints my way I rejected, but her red-flag were obvious. It's the subtle things which might trip me up. I know I'm hyper guarded now. It's like my buddy said about security (he used to be head of security at an Indian casino). "We could enact procedures that would make the site and patrons 100% safe... .but then we'd have no patrons and we'd be out of jobs." Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: toughday on September 12, 2018, 02:59:26 AM I have just started to get back into dating and i have noticed that i am hyper-vigilant for any possible BPD traits. I was chatting to a lady on the phone and she made a sarcastic comment when i said i needed to check my diary before confirming a date. That was it the shutters came down on her. Another lady at work who i had an instant connection with... she would look at me and seemed to cut right through me. very flirty and most men would have thought great, this could be a good thing. Not me , it was so reminiscent of the early days with my ex that my first thought was BPD.
Its hard to know if i am being over cautious or just sensible. if you look hard enough you will find traits in most people but it doesn't mean they have BPD. we all have moments. Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: once removed on September 12, 2018, 01:17:10 PM if we are reactive, seeing reminders of our exes, walking on eggshells in the dating world, i do think our gut is telling us something, but it might be a different message than we conclude. it might be telling us we arent emotionally available to connect with a healthy other and that our wounds need tending.
Title: Re: Are you now over cautious? Post by: Zen606 on September 13, 2018, 08:26:35 PM Hi Once Removed
Great observation about the gut instinct -- as a flag for us indicating that we are not yet emotionally ready. Looking at the gut reaction as you describe it, it's a warning about them and ourselves. I will definitely keep this in mind -- we tend to react to the other person, but what about our reaction to ourselves? Zen606 |