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This is my split weekend a f****d up decision dreamed up by an old prick of a burnt out drunk of a judge.
  I get access to s12 for 24 hr access. 6pm Friday to 6pm Saturday or 6pm Saturday to 6pm Sunday on certain months it's my choice and on other months it's her choice and when it's her choice, believe me she doesn't bend at all. It's a 100% guarantee she will go opposite of my request. This weekend was s12 birthday, court order states that the parent who doesn't have access gets s12 for 1 hour. I called ex wife and said if s12 is having his party on Friday I would not exercise the one hour and would gladly do my access on Saturday so he could have his bday party undisturbed, she thought that was great and that is how we proceeded, then she asked if s12 could be a bit late for Saturday access I said no problem.
  Saturday comes along and ex wife text that she be late can we meet at 6:30 and so we did. In my way of thinking I drop s12 off at 6:30, that's the court ordered 24 hr access for split weekend but not to ex wife, at 6:15 pm this evening I get a text that makes me look like an incompetent parent whose always f*****g up access so I responded that she dropped him off at 6:30 so that makes access 6:30pm-6:30pm and of course her response was just her being difficult . The order is crystal clear, 24 hours 6pm-6pm or any other time discussed by parents. Ex wife said she might be late, I said no problem, ex said can we meet at 6:30, I said no problem so why is she now making something out of this. I'm not replying to her last text because no matter how much common sense I try to inject it goes no where. She thinks because she asked if she's late that the access will still start at 6:00 instead if the time she dropped him off.

Hi bus boy,

I'm sorry that you had a tough weekend it certainly sounded like you were being flexible and fair and where not getting the same in return.

Do you work shift work? This is an opportunity to make some tweaks to your court order I would narrow things down to the exact days of the month ( static ) and hours like you already have that should solve issues with access for birthdays it would fall on whichever parent has the child on their weekend.

A pwBPD will take advantage of something that is ambiguous because it's an opportunity for conflict, you have to set boundaries set by the court with a court order which you already did but narrow it down a tad more.

You did the right thing with not responding as you already know a pwBPD will feel shame for their actions, she's probably feeling ashamed that she's late and projecting those feelings on you. Know the reason why she's being difficult like this so that it gives you an opportunity to separate yourself from her behaviours its not personal to you I know that that doesn't help you tonight.

Hi busboy.  I am sorry to hear that she is still making things difficult.  I remember you being very willing to be flexible for her and work with her schedule right from the beginning, but that she would not do the same for you. 

Common sense and flexibility do not work with her.  As long as your son is not being unduly affected, stop trying to negotiate.  Stop trying to get her to see logic and reason.  Stick to the order 100%.

What you have been doing is not working so change it up.

 

Could her "you're a half hour late!" complaint have been avoided at the start of the 24 hour visit?  For example, "I'm going to be late, can we meet at 6:30 instead?"  You could have replied, "I'm okay with delaying the exchanges by a half hour for this weekend, 6:30 pm today to 6:30 pm tomorrow."  The time for her to object would be then, not the next day when she claims "you're late!"

She already gets the lion's share of parenting time, if it ever goes to court her demanding you not be late could be countered by you asking her not to be late.  In my example above, you've shown your agreement to her being late as part of your agreement was only half of the change, for you to be delayed by a similar amount of time.

Hi bus boy,

I saw your headline and it caught my attention as I was checking responses.  Like the rest have expressed, I'm sorry your weekend sounds like it was... .well... .:cursing: difficult.   I hear you!  I've been there too. 

I agree full heartedly with Harri and Mutt:  I'm a seasoned 'ol gal that knows. 


I know it's hard when you're willing to be flexible and trust that things will work out.  It's not your fault but let me share with you,  my mantra my H and I live by when it comes to pwBPD,  and you can quote me on this:

"If it can be messed with, it WILL be messed with"  and no matter how much you want to trust them, you cannot.   You're angry because this person will not do what you want them to.  Simple, right?  Wrong.  I know what it's like to trust and give them the benefit of the doubt because that's what we as parents do when trying to co parent or cooperate with the other parent.  Unfortunately we have to set rock solid rules or boundaries when it comes to time and punctuality.  I've had much experience and can tell you that this is not a value that is shared. They simply do not care and if things become mixed up, they will blame you for it. 

I wish you the best, and I hope that things will get better.   Sorry again for the frustration, we've all been there!

cheers,
Klera

Busboy, we have all been there.
I echo everyone else... .in that you cannot and should not deviate from what the court order says. Don't leave an opening for the BPD to exploit.  Ambiguity equals chaos. Try and let go of the negativity. It's hard to do in the beginning, but there are a number of reference tools on this site that can help you with it. It's water over the dam.  Moving forward, retain all emails and texts... .and when the court order is violated... .file a motion (or whatever your L say is the best thing to do)... .and keep pressing when the court order is violated. You might have to do this a few times. Try and avoid verbal communication agreements.   The BPD will eventually understand (and comply) that you will not deviate from the court order.   Too, you can build up a case for more time in the future.

Our first custody order had lots of wiggle room. Our second addressed all the issues and everything I anticipated. That was about three years after the first one. I pretty much wrote it and the judge simply cut and pasted it to the order.
I put one clause in it that said any changes to the order can be made by both parents agreeing in an email exchange. Both must agree in their respective email. That can be changed only if both parents expressly agree in another pair of emails.

Also, I always make sure I state that this change is only for this instance and not to be considered a permanent change.
 
Our summer schedule is week on/week off. I let ex make it up because she has never agreed to my proposal. As long as it meets the order I say yes. Since 2010 pick up time for ex was always at 10 am and my pick up time was 9 am. This year I did not address pick up times in her proposal because I assumed it would be the same as it has always been. Ex has never picked our son up, this last summer, at 10 am. It has been anywhere from 4 hours late to 9:30 pm the next day. I will not make that mistake again. The first time I emailed ex and asked what time she would pick up. She ignored. I then decided to simply do whatever I was going to do and if we were not home she would have to wait until we came home. I waited until 10:30 am before I did anything. Halfway through the summer I sent another email stating what I was going to do. She replied with a pick up time which she never did follow anyway. The first time after that email exchange she showed up the next day at 9:30 pm. I guess she showed me.
This behavior actually ticked off our son more than it did me. He is 15 now. I am just used to it.
The time she showed up the next day our son texted her a multitude of times and she ignored them all. She texted him the next day in the evening and blamed him for the "mixup" ?