BPDFamily.com

How do I let go of my anger?

In my experience living with a potentially BPD parent, I didn't suffer extreme abuse, emotional insets, or have my childhood completely robbed from me, as unfortunately so many children of BPD parents have. However, there are still so many things I am angry about... .

-the scary emotional outbursts (I tend to replay a few specific moments of these in my head)
-verbal insults (although very rare, the few times stuck with me)
-the loss of having a good mother-daughter relationship and missing out on "mother daughter" things
-the stress of family holidays and family moments that were disrupted by an emotional outburst or need to walk on egg shells around her
-the stress caused by listening to my mom vent
-i think that all the emotional instability contributed to me having an eating disorder (I know there are many other causes of my disorder, but I tend to place a lot of blame on her.)
-the anxiety I feel when around her. it steals some of my joy.
-the anxiety my spouse and in laws feel around her (I wish we could all just get along!)
-I even resent the future, predicting she may need finical support from me because of all her over shopping and spending.

I think another thing that makes it hard for me to let go of past grievances is that small offenses, annoyances, or hurts come up weekly. They are always small... .a rude text, a slight comment on the phone, a love test, a demand, an impulsive shopping trip,  an emotional outburst, and just her tendency to focus on HERSELF. These are things I could normally forgive someone for but I feel like the continuous stream leaves me feel constantly irritated. She sometimes apologizes, but then not soon after another offense happens.

Its made it so I always have a negative bent towards her I can't seem to undue (even though I am generally a positive person). I vent about her way to much to people, putting them in an awkward middle man position. The venting never actually makes me feel better. Sure, I may feel validated, right or superior in the moment, but I am always left feeling guilty, ashamed, and doubtful. (especially when the venting has caused other people to dislike her and have complicated relationships with her.)

I know this type of venting and anger are not helping us heal and have a close relationship.

She did so many good things for me growing up, why can't I think of those things? Why do always have to be so negative? What should I do to let it go? How do you let go of the wrongs as they come, instead of letting them all pile up?

My heart goes out to you trying to figure out how to deal with your anger/resentment towards your mother who potentially has BPD.  Over the years, she has done so many mean things: some small and some really hurtful that still continue to affect you. I have a mother with BPD, and I have done many things that have helped to heal the hurt, though I don't think any of us who have been betrayed by our mother's behaviors, will be completely healed. I think of healing from a parent that has treated us badly throughout life like healing from the death of the child. No parent ever gets over losing a child, though many parents go on to have happy fulfilling lives while taking time to grieve their painful loss, either when feeling sad in the moment or taking out time on special occasions like the child's birthday to reach out and get support from others who understand their loss. I have been in therapy for years, and use therapy as the place where I can talk in depth about how a mother with BPD has affected me. I regularly post here. I also practice meditation on a daily basis so I do not let the bad feelings build up. There are many useful materials on this site to read and learn from. I find it helpful to read the threads of other members, as it helps me to see that I am not alone. When I post here, I find the members to be compassionate, understanding, and caring. We are here to support you and listen to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing, and let us know what you need.

Hi jasmine.  I think what you talk about here is very important:
Very true!  Venting only gets us so far and it feels good in the moment but then what?  I think acceptance can help.  I don't mean acceptance of abuse but rather acceptance that your mother is who she is and will not likely change.  Acceptance that if you choose to have a relationship with her she will continue to be who she is and it will be up to you to take charge of your own self care.  Having appropriate expectations is going to be vital in this.   

Zachira mentioned mindfulness and that can be a big help.  You can read more about it here:  Triggering, mindfulness and Wise Mind (https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind)

Also, I want to refer you to this thread here: Acceptance when our parent has BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111415.0;all)

See what you think and post your thoughts if you'd like.   

Hey Everyone!

I clicked through the links you shared, researched more about radical acceptance, and did some journaling to process through it all. It has been helpful.

It's been especially helpful to accept part 2 of radical acceptance: there is a cause. Understanding that their is a cause for my mom's actions (she has suffered repeated trauma and as a result has BPD. she also never got counseling so for decades has been in the habit of using poor coping techniques) really helps me accept her as she is and not take her actions so personally.

Part 3 of radical acceptance (there can still be good in the midst of the bad)  is also helpful. I am starting to accept that our relationship may never be the mother-daughter ideal seen in Hollywood movies or be similar to my friends relationship with their moms, but we can still have positive and meaningful moments together amidst the chaotic ones caused by BPD.

Lastly, another thing that has been helping is when I feel the anger coming on emotionally (due to my nonacceptance) I have been doing progressive muscle relaxation meditation. The physical accept of this kind of mediation has really helped me both emotionally and with the physical symptoms I get from anger and anxiety (tight chest, tense body, etc.)

Thanks so much for helping me get to this place!

Glad to hear the links were helpful.

Yes!  Knowing what causes a person to act the way they do makes a big difference in terms of being able to process it and not take things personally.  Doing meditation is also excellent.

Keep it up! 

hi jasmine123,


i just started this myself! nobody told me the effects could be so powerful, let alone lasting. kinda mind blowing, huh?

im learning that we all have resting levels of anxiety, some higher than others, that resting level can build up over time (i imagine that living in a household with a BPD parent would have that effect) and that with exercises like these, our resting level can be permanently lowered over time. anger, irritability, all that stuff can be more pronounced with anxiety and tension, of course.


have you tried doing it on paper? ive really let it fly uncensored or even over the top on paper, or a quick notepad document... .i get it all out, and no one ever sees or hears it.

I think journaling is a good idea! I have done that in the past for anxiety but not for anger. I think that would be good because it would also help me see if I have an unhealthy thoughts on my end that are contributing to the problem and then I could combat those. It also would be cathartic and like you said, wouldn't negatively effect anyone else. I am going to try that!