BPDFamily.com

 :help:
My 24 yo son was diagnosed about 2 years ago with BPD along with chronic depression after a suicidal threat to a friend after he took the rejection extremely hard. He was seeing a therapist, psychologist and a psychiatrist, put on an antidepressant for about 6 months and went through DBT therapy once a week. He seemed ( and I use that word hopeful) to get a little better, although he did drop out of grad school as things were too intense for him to see these people and he wanted to work on himself and get a handle on his emotions. He's now back in grad school, but things have begun to creep back in again, and he's back on an antidepressant and speaking to a therapist. I dont know how to help. He's been avoiding me, not communicating, I am scared out of my mind about how he's doing, he lives in another state now so I cant really see him everyday and make sure he's ok, and after that scare of 2 years ago I really dont know what to do.

Hello concernedmomva and welcome to the family!  :hi: While I'm sorry for what brought you here, I'm so glad you found us. I'm new here too and am still learning "what to do." I don't have any answers for you, sorry, just wanted to welcome you here and ensure you that you are in good company. The site is full of helpful literature and supportive people.

I'm sorry to hear your DS is not communicating with you and hope that will change in the future. I do understand how difficult it must be to not know how he's doing, if he's okay. Especially after your experience two years ago. Hang in there, we are here for you!

~ OH

Hi concernedmomva

I join Only Human welcoming you to bpdfamily  :hi:  I'm glad you've joined us for support. It is scary, I'm sorry your son is not communicating with you right now, is such a worry to you, not knowing is a nightmare. He's back on the meds and in therapy, he's doing the right things. How long is it since you heard from your son?

When my 30DD (30yrdeardaughter) is struggling, overwhelmed she takes a step back and removes herself to quieten her world, she'll turn her phone off for days, not meaning to hurt anyone, she's self regulating ~ doing what she needs to do. And the last thing she wants to do is talk with me, she avoids me.

What were your conversations like before he started avoiding you?

I'm glad you're hear talking with us. Do you have support at home, family, friend?

WDx

Thank you, I'm glad to have found this group.
I visited my son this weekend, and he is still withdrawn, but over the last few days I see a little improvement with his communication, after the last 2 weeks of being withdrawn. I hope the medication is helping, I know it takes time to adjust and see some improvement. He tells me he's ok, but I feel like we as parents just know when something is just not right.
My conversations were of concern, making sure he was going to therapy, taking his medications, if he needed anything from me, really just trying to help in any way I can.

Hi concernedmomva

It's lovely to hear back from you and I'm glad you were able to make the trip to visit your son and see first hand how he is. It sounds like your trip is helping him reconnect, you see a little improvement.

I'm always reminded we can communicate in many different ways that are helpful. My friend sent her daughter care parcels when she was at Uni, struggling to make financial ends meet. The parcel was packed with some of her favourite treats, foods, soothing things, things that made her smile.  That she was in her Mum's thoughts and this helped pass on from some difficult telephone conversations, low contact moments. It broke the ice, impasse.

You know something is not just right, your son is out of sorts, this is a challenge for him to resolve, settling into Uni and balancing the time he spends on his mental health care.

He may say to you, he needs to come home, he may be able to manage, cope without your support. That's how I try to look, at the context of my situation. My not fixing her problems, or rescuing my DD has helped her, reliance and wellbeing.

What is your greatest concern today for you?

WDx

I guess my biggest concern is him not coping well with any triggers that may present themselves whatever those may be, or him not letting me know when it gets bad. When this was the most severe, he came to us for help and said I cant do this alone, I need help, therapy, medical help.
I have groceries delivered, not because he asks, but because of his schedule and being away at grad school with no car. He does some of the shopping and we do some. We see him at least once a month, and he has come home a few times.

I’m learning that there is a lot of overlap between bipolar disorder and borderline personality. I think that’s most likely what my daughter is dealing with. She has aspects of both and doesn’t fit that well with either of them alone. She is very high functioning most of the time (with me doing all her mundane chores to make her life as easy as possible while she pursues a professional career).  So I’m familiar with what you are doing for your son while he goes to grad school. Been there. Done that. We made it through but it was very rocky and I jumped on planes several times a year for crisis intervention. I was her “momager”.

It is complicated. But over time patients and caregivers can learn and things can get better. I definitely feel your pain and frustration and fear. I don’t have a solution for you or for me. But your situation is not unique and maybe knowing that you are a loving and caring parent who is doing your best will make you feel better and keep you going.

Just me saying that to you shows that I have taken the VALIDATING lesson by Dr Fuzzenatti on this website to heart. I am sympathizing and empathizing with you (validating your feelings) rather than rushing through your emotions and trying to solve your problem. I can feel for you but I can’t fix it. That’s supposed to help. Does it?  I hope so because that’s how I’m trying to manage My daughter. So far it seems to be making a difference and she hasn’t even started the ketamine or the DBT yet. (She’s taking a medical leave from her professional career to do this.)

My validating how she feels (rather than trying to talk her out of how she is feeling) is so far making  a huge difference in our interaction. Turns out that’s what she mostly wanted. She didn’t need help problem-solving. She is better at that than I am! What she wanted was validation. And I was refusing to validate her suicidal ideation.

It’s only been One day. But for that I’m appreciative.

Another thought and what I’m working on now is doing LESS for her. She is very capable of doing things for herself but I thought it would benefit her if I helped out a lot so she could concentrate on work and managing her illness.

My helping out all the time resulted in her being unappreciative (It’s the least you can do for me mom. I have an important job and I’m sick!) and she became even more and more demanding. It made me resentful and I wasn’t helping with good cheer. And that made it worse.

I’m now realizing that it can be helpful for BPD to do these
Mundane tasks themselves for several reasons:  1. They can. 2. While they are focusing on the task they aren’t dwelling on their mental anguish. 3. It lessons the resentment I was building up by feeling under appreciated and used so then I could be more supportive on the bigger things. 4.  Taking care of themselves is the ultimate goal so why not get started now?

I just joined this website about 48 hours ago  despearate for comfort for an actively suicidal daughter. And here I am right now feeling much better and hopeful for my daughter and offering support to you! How dare I think I know what to do after 48 hours on the website?  Because I don’t. But that’s not the point. The point is you’ve come to a place that will make you feel better.