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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: Steppingforward on October 26, 2018, 12:02:12 PM



Title: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 26, 2018, 12:02:12 PM
I’m in a relationship with my girlfriend who after 3 years together was diagnosed with BPD. We’ve been together 5 years now. She also has a son who see me as his dad and him my son.
I have done a lot of reading to understand the disorder. Basically we went through all the stages. The seducer stage which I vainly loved. She was just so into me. Everything I did was perfect and it made me feel perfect. I did find some of the compliments strange like your so perfect and how she couldn’t believe I chose her. But I lapped it up.

The clinger stage which was annoying but I could deal with it at first. I mean the mood swings are bad and I felt hated at times but it was balanced by the good (which now writing this, sounds terrible). But my focus had to be on her. I would leave work early or take days off when she had a tantrum. If I spent any time with anyone I was accused of cheating (which she did to me after the first 3 months). Constant phone calls where I had to phone on my whole journey to and from work and throughout lunch. The worse was her jealousy and paranoia. It’s so bad that I started mirroring her and would do to her what she did to me. I could go on with many many other distructive patterns and there was alot. I didn’t help in that Im one of those guys that jumps to the rescue all the time and I’m also insecure myself so the lows meant I needed more love and her highs fed that by allowing me to rescue the situation (until the next day:time)


I’m now in the the hate phase I suppose where I’m treated with hate. I’m talking a completely cold person and having ton bend backwards and tread on egg shells.
Now after 5 years it just feels like I fell in love with a Disorder.

Other points: She abuses cannabis and has very unstable spending habits. She is now seeking help now with medication (which appears to have turned off her emotions) and therapy.

My question is am I right? Am I love with a disorder? She has gone completely cold to me now. She occasionally reverts back but most days it’s constant anger but anger that is now not projected on me like before but aimed at me. I can’t take it i have become a shadow of myself and I think I need to break up but She threatens suicide if she thought I was leaving her in the past and I do lover her son and don’t want to abandon him.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on October 26, 2018, 12:17:50 PM
hi Steppingforward, and *welcome*

it sounds like youre exhausted and understandably confused. im glad you reached out, and i hope youll stick around, and make yourself at home as part of the family.

I’m now in the the hate phase I suppose where I’m treated with hate.
... .
She has gone completely cold to me now.

tell us more. what is the conflict like, what is it about, how often.

are the two of you living together?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 26, 2018, 02:02:29 PM
Hi thanks for the reply really appreciated it. The conflicts happen two or three times per day. They range from minor in rage to major. They mainly centred on other people on her life and she projected this on to me but it wasn’t directed at me. Now for last three months it’s changed, it’s the same frequency but it’s directed at me. Like her getting rage when I forget to take my trainers off or I’m breathing on her neck etc. It’s only verbal but quite venomous. I don’t feel no love anymore (from what I read was that just idealisation and she never loved me?). She’s also switched from expecting me to call all the time to getting angry when I do. But she still panicked and calls me when I don’t. Just feels like no matter how I deal with it: calmly, rationally, passionately, coldly she will get angry. Yes I do live with her but the burden is making me feel like a shadow of a man. When she was “needing” me for 4 years I kinda devoted all my life outside of work to her and lost friends, hobbies, interests etc.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on October 26, 2018, 02:26:54 PM
do you know if theres any sort of outside crisis in her life thats going on? anything that set off her turning on you? is she depressed, do you know?

I don’t feel no love anymore (from what I read was that just idealisation and she never loved me?).

things are probably significantly more complicated/complex than that. people with BPD traits love intensely, but have a significant lack of relationship and coping skills; it can be very confusing and challenging to be on the receiving end of. it will be challenging to turn things around, if thats what you want to do, and its best not to try to change too much at once, but to start nibbling away at problems first, so we can get the emotional space to start tackling the bigger problems.

can you have a read of this, and let us know what stage you feel your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 26, 2018, 03:09:49 PM
She does have a lot going on. She is very depressed and it mainly stems from her family abandoning her. We talk about this a lot and I have tried to be there for her and just listen. They didn’t take the time to understand that she had a disorder. She struggles with her son who has Aspergers which is hard. That’s another story in that she loses her rage with her son too and her words are not what you should say to boy of that age. Pretty much she would start with a complaint which just escalated in rage no matter what I say. If I walk away from it to give her space she accuses me of abandoning her.

I do want this to work. I do love her but I don’t think I’m strong enough as I’ve deteriorated over the years.

I read the leaflet and I would say stage 2.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on October 26, 2018, 03:57:26 PM
She does have a lot going on. She is very depressed and it mainly stems from her family abandoning her. We talk about this a lot and I have tried to be there for her and just listen. They didn’t take the time to understand that she had a disorder.

that explains a lot. the diagnosis is relatively recent too, and that can trigger all sorts of issues. people with traits of this disorder dont cope well with outside stressors or feelings of abandonment, and tend to blame others for their circumstances. she may feel as if she has no one "on her side" and that everyone is against her. as someone very close to her, that may include you, even if it couldnt be further from the truth.

If I walk away from it to give her space she accuses me of abandoning her.

taking a time out can be a great, healthy, useful tool, but you run this risk. subtle things can make all the difference in the world. its important to be calm, and both loving and firm. it can give you both space to get back to baseline and continue later more constructively... .and stop things from escalating.

but accusations/feelings of abandonment can be a common response (a member reported yesterday that his partner makes suicide threats). what do you do when this happens? stay?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 27, 2018, 04:49:52 AM
Thank you again for the reply you don’t know how much it helps just to communicate with someone that knows about it. Friends and family just don’t understand.

It does feel that she sees me as being the reasons for her depression. I do try to be there but I’ve become almost like a cardboard cut out of myself by trying to be calm and it just leaves me feeling emotionaly exausted as well as my own paranoias and doubt kicking in which I can’t talk to her about as it would stress her even more.

I never leave her when she’s making suicidal gestures which range from the common “I wish I was dead” statement to the “I will kill myself if you walk away”. It’s almost become a daily tool for her to use when she’s stressed.

My biggest fear is that she does not truly love me and I’ve beemn a fool for thinking I could cope with this. It feels like one day she will leave. The only bad thing I have done is not involve her in my own family. It came from a sense of protecting them from her anger and tantrums. This obviously is thrown in my face everyday. Was that bad of me?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on October 27, 2018, 09:45:05 AM
It does feel that she sees me as being the reasons for her depression. I do try to be there but I’ve become almost like a cardboard cut out of myself by trying to be calm and it just leaves me feeling emotionaly exausted as well as my own paranoias and doubt kicking in which I can’t talk to her about as it would stress her even more.

if you have chosen this path (staying), then you should know that it takes a great deal of strength to be in a "BPD relationship" and not be emotionally injured. having a strong support system for yourself is paramount. in addition to joining the family here, i would encourage you to find a good therapist for yourself who has an understanding of what youre experiencing. most of the members here arrive depressed, and you may be experiencing depression as well. with emotional exhaustion or depression, all of this, even the smallest stuff, is like trying to move a mountain.

I never leave her when she’s making suicidal gestures which range from the common “I wish I was dead” statement to the “I will kill myself if you walk away”. It’s almost become a daily tool for her to use when she’s stressed.

youre going to need to, over time, nip this in the bud. suicidal threats should always be taken seriously. you should never "call her bluff". however, a person making the threats learns to keep doing it over time, because it works. change your response to this. there are several ways to go about that. they may range from stating calmly, lovingly, firmly, "i can tell that you are upset right now, and i want to help, but i will not ______" to stating that your relationship should be based on love and respect, and not threats. it may be a combination of some of the above along with the reassurance that you are only temporarily taking a few minutes to calm yourself, and that you will be back soon.

in general (more complicated with suicidal threats), our partners dont like us taking a time out. it removes the external source to project the pain or anger onto, and puts them in the position of needing to self soothe (which people with traits of this disorder greatly struggle to do). so they will often up the ante to get a reaction, any reaction. we reward the behavior when we give that reaction. by repeatedly, consistently, firmly, but also lovingly following through and stopping rewarding bad behavior, over time, it tends to diminish because it stops working. in a relationship with someone with traits of this disorder, strong boundaries are critical, but our partners have a tendency to rail against them.

in my case, time outs worked very well when i held firm (though i tended to use them more as punishment or silent treatment which you dont want to do) but i often failed to follow through.

My biggest fear is that she does not truly love me and I’ve beemn a fool for thinking I could cope with this. It feels like one day she will leave.

have a look at our article here to get a better idea of what it takes to be in these relationships: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

why do you feel she might leave?

The only bad thing I have done is not involve her in my own family. It came from a sense of protecting them from her anger and tantrums. This obviously is thrown in my face everyday. Was that bad of me?

i can understand your hesitancy to involve her with your family. what does she say when she throws it in your face? what do you say?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 28, 2018, 01:05:55 PM
Thank you

I honestly don’t know to respond to if I have chosen to stay. I have. I do love her. My worry was that who exactly I have fallen in love with. I never doubted my love until I actually started reading up on BPD. The Melton stages threw me completely as it pretty much described my relationship with her. This leads me to think that am I in love with her idealisation of me due to her fears of abandonment?

Iam depressed. I know that iam as I’ve started to mirror her paranoias and insecurities. At first I did as a way of showing how hurtful it was which was wrong of me.  I developed anger when she did things that would set her off if I did the same. That was wrong of me I know as she has this disorder. Those have gone since I started educating myself on the subject. But I do go in on myself when I’m angry with the latest attack but she’s being nice. I find it harder and harder to forgive myself for putting up with her. (Now I’m sounding selfish)

Your not the first to say this to me either. Family and friends have said the same that I need to speak to someone professional but with the added: I need to leave her remark. I have asked her recently if I can be at least involved with her therapy but she refuses this.

When you say don’t call her bluff do you mean tell to go ahead and do it? Or walk away. I’ve never done either and never will call her bluff. I love and care about her so that sends me into a panic and I  do everything I can to fix it if it’s not to do with me or apologise and beg when I’m the cause (even though I’m not).

I know that’s wrong of me to do to. I was reacting like anyone would but I know that it’s only serves for her to do it again and it’s not helping anyone. I have tried the calmly approach. Where I have reassured her and said to her I’m going to go for a walk to calm down so we both get some space. I go to walk out and she starts punching the walls and pulling at her hair or trying to strangle herself which leads to me trying to stop her hurting herself. She has never hit me in anger though.

What you have said does make a lot of sense to me. I need to set the boundaries with her be strong and there for her but not react myself emotionally and stay strong myself and realise that she has a disorder and you don’t.

Thanks that does make sense. 2 questions.
1) After a 5 year relationship can I still even set the boundaries or has too much happened?.
2) if they rail against the boundaries, is this forever? Am I constantly going to have to be strong and well kind of selfless? And if so can someone with BPD even aknowledge this?

I feel she may leave as she threatens this now. Before it was always I’ll kill myself without you. I know this just another form of her control and I recognise it for what it is. But I give you an example. Remember I said her family abandoned her. This is real I saw it first hand. She had a very distant cousin come to work in the uk from New Zealand. She came and stays with us until she worked a bit and finds a place. Since she arrived me and her son have been treated pretty poorly. Her cousin is the focus of her idealisation which I understand cones from her fears of losing more family. She will scream if we don’t whisper downstairs in case her cousins sleeping. She will basically make sure her cousins every whim is satisfied. Watching her idealisation on someone else has made me not only doubt that I was so special to her but I could of been any nice generous working guy and she would of been the same . I know I sound pathetic now but with her threats to end it and the coldness I’m getting which is not just lasting hours  or a day has been constant for weeks now.

With my family it’s complicated. She cheated on me at the start of the relationship with her sons father. I don’t think she has the cheating tendency of BPD  (never stopped me thinking it privately though). She has the substance abuse and binge spending. So my family knew about the cheating so there was no contact from that point. But main reason was that I was protecting them from her and I know deep down that was wrong of me.

Are you in a long term relationship with someone with BPD? Just feels like after 5 years I’m emotionally drained and can’t go on. I will however follow your advise and seek therapy myself. I never thought I say it but iam depressed and i can’t deal with it like when I had bad moments in my life and dealt with it. I will give it go and see if it helps.

Like I said reading about the disorder has opened my eyes and only now it’s making sense to me. But like I said the one thing I want to know and I’m not saying anyone can even answer this question is:

Is what I love about her just her idealisation of me and therefore I could of been anyone when we met and I have therefore fallen in love with a part of her disorder? It’s my biggest issue because if she does love me the way I love her then it’s all been  worth it.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 28, 2018, 01:06:30 PM
Btw again thank you for taking the time with me on this it helps.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: hopefulbutlost17 on October 29, 2018, 12:00:42 PM


Is what I love about her just her idealisation of me and therefore I could of been anyone when we met and I have therefore fallen in love with a part of her disorder? It’s my biggest issue because if she does love me the way I love her then it’s all been  worth it.


Hey there!
I’m glad you posted this question! I never thought about looking at my r/s in that perspective until I came across your post. Interesting to be asking that question and I’m intrigued. I now wonder as well, am I really in love with my ex or is it the traits of the drisorder I see in her. I’ve been on and off with my ex for the last 3 years and just recently came across BPD, and after reading a couple of books and reading this site I feel my ex has several traits (not diagnosed). Thank you for posting. I’d love to continue reading and getting insight on what others think as well... I too have read a few tools on here and many things to make so much sense now...


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on October 29, 2018, 01:18:13 PM
When you say don’t call her bluff do you mean tell to go ahead and do it? Or walk away. I’ve never done either and never will call her bluff.

what i mean is treat it seriously. but rescuing and saving her from these threats also inadvertently rewards the threat. people with this disorder have a difficult time communicating their wants and needs, and tend to adopt maladaptive ways of coping. they stick with them, because on some level, they work. the idea is to slowly send the message that threatening suicide or threatening to break up with you is not going to achieve the desired result; that there is a better, healthier, more rewarding way to connect with you and have her needs met.

1) After a 5 year relationship can I still even set the boundaries or has too much happened?.
2) if they rail against the boundaries, is this forever? Am I constantly going to have to be strong and well kind of selfless? And if so can someone with BPD even aknowledge this?

a 5 year relationship means that like for most of us that arrive here, there are ingrained dysfunctional dynamics that are a part of your relationship, and they will take some time, practice, and consistency to change, like any bad habit.

change can be scary, and especially so to someone with BPD traits, who doesnt cope well to begin with. it is very common that some of the behavior gets worse before it gets better. expect this. thats why consistency is a must, and that its also not a good idea to push for, or expect, too much change too soon, and to be reassuring but firm, and use positive reinforcement.

i have seen some of the worst case scenarios get on a much better path. i have seen some members clean up their side of the street, and eventually no longer find the relationship fulfilling, and leave, but leave with a healthier game plan and have a smoother landing rather than everything exploding. ive seen some members make just enough improvement that the relationship is tolerable and relatively stable. everything in between really. its less about statistical likelihoods one way or the other, and more about the unique dynamics between the two of you.

typically, the change we want to see has to be driven by us. before we can make things better, we have to stop making them worse.

She has the substance abuse

substance abuse puts a big strain on any relationship. you can clean up your side of the street so to speak, but she has to want to get better in that regard, and it will be a strain until she does. a healthier, more supportive and loving environment can sometimes be a catalyst. a primary indicator of BPD recovery is when the person living with it has a strong, loving, but also firm support system. youll also need that yourself, so im glad you intend to see a therapist. if our mental health is on the decline, its very easy to be completely overwhelmed and swallowed up in these relationships.

what substance(s) does she abuse? how often?

But main reason was that I was protecting them from her and I know deep down that was wrong of me.

in the long term, slowly introducing her to your family can build trust and connection. she clearly resents being kept away from them, anyone would really, though i understand why you have. probably, its something you will want to put on hold until things become better and more stable, more like another building block once the foundation has been laid, but i would be thinking how i might go about it in the mean time.

Are you in a long term relationship with someone with BPD?

no. i was, for around 3 years. i learned the tools here after my relationship, and they changed my life. i use them with everyone. i do have friends and acquaintances with BPD traits, and we all have some difficult people in our lives.

Is what I love about her just her idealisation of me and therefore I could of been anyone when we met and I have therefore fallen in love with a part of her disorder? It’s my biggest issue because if she does love me the way I love her then it’s all been  worth it.

these relationships are very often a coming together of two differently but similarly wounded parties with great needs, that the other is uniquely suited to fulfill. it makes for an intense, and loaded bond. over time, some of those intense and not necessarily healthy dynamics that once made the relationship "click" in a powerful way can take their toll on both parties, and the relationship. both parties fight in their own way to get back to the stage where those great needs were met, and a clash happens, trust declines and resentment builds instead.

our emotional response and investment in the idealization from our partners is one of the very most common of these dynamics, and its important to understand.

people with this disorder tend to see life, and people in it, in black and white terms. they are idealistic dreamers, who over express themselves (in black and white terms) like young children. they tend to fantasize about being rescued from lifes stresses, and put the person rescuing them on a pedestal. we all do this on some level. for someone with BPD traits, it can be something of a way of life, a world view. at the same time, at their core, they are distrusting of others, and fearful that they will be wronged, hurt, abandoned, and look for confirmation of those fears. like a child who sees mommy and daddy as either super man/super woman, or the source of all of their problems, none of it is fake. its an over the top, underdeveloped world view.

likely, you have invested in both the black and white expressions because like most of us, they speak to you on a deep level and feed a great need. it will be important to explore this as you are, and to detach from the investment in it at a certain level.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 29, 2018, 03:21:43 PM
Onceremoved I can’t thank you enough.

Ok so when she threatens suicide:  I shouldn’t fix the problem but what if I give an example: I spilt a drink on the floor and she is now raging at me which escalated into going through all the perceived wrongs I’ve done in the past and I say I need to go for a walk just to give her space to calm down and she threatens suicide because it’s now all too much (breathe). I should just calmly walk out? It’s just that the threats feels so real and I’ve read that even in their eyes it’s really is real at the time. I know it’s just a gesture I can really see that, but what if.

Your right the way I was behaving up until well recently did not help and did make things worse. I was obviously unaware of the condition and when I did was slow to educate myself. I did react to her paranoias and jealousy but lapped up her idealisation of me. I felt being this loved, perfect in her eyes, a responsible caregiver gave her no right to get angry with me when her mood swung. Then I would desperately try and get that love  back.

She abuses only cannabis but on a daily and very frequent basis. I don’t smoke now but after the first year I was a fool in that I financed it. She claimed all sorts at the time from I go mad without it as her therapist is not giving her tablets; to the suicide gestures, but I know that it was me being weak as I just wanted her to be nice to me again which she really was each time with a lot of passion. That has stopped completely for the last 2 years as I refused but she continues to use it and I gave up arguing. I just wished I never condoned it in the first place

Your right about my family and that it would help her. The thing is I love my family dearly we are very close. Dare I risk this? she so wants to be loved that she is so intense with people and my family, trusting my judgement, will embrace that. But I’ve seen her too many times with her own family embrace them only for her to hate them and show it in a very bad way. Do I then tell my family and risk them being different with her and for her to react to that. It’s just so many things to think of. I want to. But like you said I was waiting for the relationship to be more stable and 5 years have now passed.

Thank you for telling me it does help to know that you have first hand experience. I hope this hasn’t brought up any bad feelings for you. It must have been hard to understand at the time without the tools you have now. After 5 years I have so many regrets as well and I’m trying to clean up my side of the street no matter what happens in the end with her.

Since reading I have come to an understanding of myself. It has opened my eyes on who iam as well. I mean I too obviously have a fear of abandonment and yearning for love. Why else have I stayed?

So your right again I was a wounded animal myself when I met her. I had a 7 year relationship which ended amicably  and I was single for 5 years after that,  till I met her.  I had given up on meeting anyone during those 5 years and didn’t pursue anyone. She came to me with such passion. She fulfilled my needs and I hers for a long time. I never met a girl who was so passionate about me. It made me feel alive.

What you said really makes sense:
“some of those intense and not necessarily healthy dynamics that once made the relationship "click" in a powerful way can take their toll on both parties, and the relationship. both parties fight in their own way to get back to the stage where those great needs were met, and a clash happens, trust declines and resentment builds instead”

That’s exactly what happened!

When you say:

likely, you have invested in both the black and white expressions because like most of us, they speak to you on a deep level and feed a great need. it will be important to explore this as you are, and to detach from the investment in it at a certain level.

What do you mean by explore this as you are? and to detach from the investment in it at a certain level?

If you mean because I have felt a great need for these expressions in other words the “white” feeding my needs for love and affection and the Black feeding my own fears. Then yes I feel only now that I can detach myself from my investment in them. As I have self reflected on myself during these conversations as well as the relationship. I realised that I have reacted to my own needs and fears and this was not healthy for either of us... I always knew there was something wrong long before it was spelt out to me.




Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on October 29, 2018, 05:12:41 PM
I should just calmly walk out?

no. if youre going to take a time out, you should state what youre doing, why (without blame), and when youll be back. personalize it, it needs to be something you would naturally say. for me it might be something like "it sounds like youre frustrated with me right now. i was kinda clumsy when i spilt the drink. i want to listen to what you have to say, but id like a few minutes to think over what you said while i get some air. im going in the other room/for a walk/whatever for 10/20 minutes, ill be back soon so i can listen."

if she pulls a suicide threat, i might say something like "i can tell youre upset right now. i love you, and i want to help, but i cant when you make threats/if we arent listening to each other". then, in times of calm, id work together to get on the same page and express that i feel threats have no place in a loving relationship, and that threats sadden me because i love her very much. id ask if we can help each other, and if she has any ideas on how i can support her/we can support each other.

these are only examples. ideally, it doesnt even get to the point of needing a time out. a time out is best when everything is only getting worse. the tools, especially the communication tools, can help you before it gets to that point.

so in your spilt drink example, when shes raging and bringing up all of the bad things she perceives, how do you usually respond?

I felt being this loved, perfect in her eyes, a responsible caregiver gave her no right to get angry with me when her mood swung. Then I would desperately try and get that love  back.

i can understand that. your partner struggles greatly with emotional dysregulation. fairness, patience, understanding, go right out the window when a person is in that state. there are, you might notice, certain lines our partners wont cross even at their worst. you mentioned she hasnt hit you, so that, so far, is one. over time, ideally, our partners get the message that there are other lines they cant cross, although they may walk right up to them. 

relationships are work. honeymoons, idealization, these are all just stages relationships go through in the beginning, they arent the stuff that builds it and weathers the storms and stands the test of time. invest in that stuff. your partner expresses herself in extremes. dont over invest in either the idealization, or the disrespect.

Dare I risk this?

it is a risk. and because people with this disorder are distrusting of others, and often feel like other people are judging them, or are out to get them, it may always be a risk. you will want to find a slow but steady way to introduce them that you can build on. you would want to get a feel for how she feels about it going in. you probably do want more stability and harmony first, but youre working toward that.

Since reading I have come to an understanding of myself. It has opened my eyes on who iam as well. I mean I too obviously have a fear of abandonment and yearning for love. Why else have I stayed?

as part of learning about the disorder and the tools, do keep learning and digging when it comes to you, it will go a very long way. once our eyes are open, its hard to shut them, and it all kind of forces a change.

What do you mean by explore this as you are? and to detach from the investment in it at a certain level?

in a nutshell, i mean see it for what it is, and learn more about how you can start to shift to a healthier model. dont over invest in the idealization, or the disrespect. learn more about building your relationship for the long haul, and invest in that. a lot of us come here without a great model for what a healthy relationship even looks like. i had to do a lot of learning about that, and learning what i wanted in a relationship, and becoming the person that could attract it, give it, and receive it. im still doing that.

i would also encourage you to post questions, share what youre learning here, and post in the threads of other members. the connectedness really helps, but it also keeps us in problem solving mode, keeps us sharp, and we can start applying all of it to our own relationships.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on October 31, 2018, 05:31:26 PM
I do try and be calm like you describe the hardest part I have is not holding on to the resentment I have after. To her it’s like it never happened and to me it remains traumatic. Before in the first years I admit, I would be calm during her rage trying to calm her down but then when we got a calm and loving period (I think this was part of her shame of it) I would bring it up and I would get angry. I don’t do that anymore.  But the problem I have is I have had no outlet for my frustrations for 4 years. This causes me to go in myself with her and this meant her frustration would get worse.

It’s over worse now in that I seem to be the focus of all her hurt and rage even when it’s to do with someone or something else.

In my example I would react like how I just described above, in full detail it would be:. I would sit there in shock for first 2 min then try and fix it, i.e clean the mess. Her response would be to push me out of the way so she does it. All the while she is shouting and I stand there saying calmly, I’m sorry it was an accident. She would decend to saying how sh@t her life is and wishing she was dead. I normally react, with great effort, calmly by saying please don’t say things like that which she reacts to in a worse way and I offer to give her space to calm down. Then she either threatens the relationship or her own life if I do that or both.

Either way once she calms down she does apologise but I’m exausted emotionally and fell well for want of a better word, just well wounded.

I want more than sympathy I just want it to stop happening. But I can never stop the trigger because it feels like everything is a trigger.

Your right in the boundaries comment you made. She does walk right up to them. She knows that I would never tolerate hitting. But I feel like I have let too many other boundaries slip.

One thing I have come to realise in all this is that I do have a problem in myself in that I yearn to be loved. So saying to not invest heavily in the idealisation when I have for nearly 5 years and all in the silly hope that I was somehow capable of fixing and rescuing her from her anguish is hard.I have  invested everything in her and this has taken its toll in nearly all other aspects of my life. And to realise that her idealisation or what I thought was her love which I ignorantly try to match is just an extreme of her disorder is heartbreaking.

It also makes me consider what kind of person would stay in a relationship like that. In other words was I broken before I met her?

I feel like I’m rambling now and not making sense. But I really appreciate all this it has helped me. To be honest I’m hurting in a really bad way.

For weeks now I’m just breaking down on a daily basis. I drive from work after struggling not to show anyone how I feel and park before I go home and just sit there. I’ve never felt in a way where I’ve needed to talk to anyone in my life. I’ve always dealt with things myself and thought of myself as a very strong person mentally. I’ve always been the go to person for advice from family and friends. I would never have dreamed of going on any forum for help. It scares me how weak mentally I’ve become. But I think I’ve reached a point now where I can’t dwell in the past and have to get myself stronger. You’ve helped me stop decending further in despair and I thank you for that as I had no one to communicate with.

As for my relationship I believe I need to make a decision. Either I accept what I have learnt and the truth of it all, accept her disorder and get stronger for both of us or I simply dont.

I just don’t know which as my heart says you can do this and my brain says you can’t.



Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Radcliff on November 01, 2018, 02:30:21 AM
once removed has some great advice on dealing directly with her, so let me cover another base -- taking care of yourself.  You mentioned that you've become isolated from friends and hobbies.  Don't ignore those because now is a tough time for her.  If you wait until it's a good time for her, then it will never happen.  You need to take care of yourself if you are going to survive and thrive over the long haul.

What is one thing for yourself that you've given up that you could make a move to get back soon?

RC


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 02, 2018, 08:58:41 PM
But the problem I have is I have had no outlet for my frustrations for 4 years.

you need a good outlet, and outlets can take many forms. this place is a great one. journaling, managing your mental health and caring for yourself is another, seeing a therapist is another, and spending time with friends and family is another... .it can take many forms.

In my example I would react like how I just described above, in full detail it would be:. I would sit there in shock for first 2 min then try and fix it, i.e clean the mess. Her response would be to push me out of the way so she does it. All the while she is shouting and I stand there saying calmly, I’m sorry it was an accident. She would decend to saying how sh@t her life is and wishing she was dead. I normally react, with great effort, calmly by saying please don’t say things like that which she reacts to in a worse way and I offer to give her space to calm down. Then she either threatens the relationship or her own life if I do that or both.

certainly, if thats the pattern, change it up. for example, if telling her please dont say things like that makes things worse, let it go, let her blow off steam. dont over apologize for spilling a drink.

Either way once she calms down she does apologise but I’m exausted emotionally and fell well for want of a better word, just well wounded.

understandable. what do you do/say when she apologizes?

So saying to not invest heavily in the idealisation when I have for nearly 5 years and all in the silly hope that I was somehow capable of fixing and rescuing her from her anguish is hard.

it is. i suspect though, on some level, you have already begun that process.

And to realise that her idealisation or what I thought was her love which I ignorantly try to match is just an extreme of her disorder is heartbreaking.

its one facet of who she is. that doesnt necessarily make it less real, or less an expression of love. in other words, if she says youre the greatest man in the world, its not "the disorder talking". she feels in extremes. she expresses in extremes. the same is true if she says youre the worst man in the world. its important to recognize that these are extremes, and operate in the center.

It also makes me consider what kind of person would stay in a relationship like that. In other words was I broken before I met her?

a member here once said "we arent here to fix our "broken bodies". we are here to build our bodies into powerhouses". we stay for personal reasons and because we love our partners... .but it sure is helpful to know a little more about them, a little more about ourselves, and a little more about healthy relationship dynamics.

 
For weeks now I’m just breaking down on a daily basis. I drive from work after struggling not to show anyone how I feel and park before I go home and just sit there. I’ve never felt in a way where I’ve needed to talk to anyone in my life. I’ve always dealt with things myself and thought of myself as a very strong person mentally. I’ve always been the go to person for advice from family and friends. I would never have dreamed of going on any forum for help. It scares me how weak mentally I’ve become.

first, i think that it takes great strength and courage to reach out to others and say "i need help". you dont have to do this alone, nor should you. this place exists because these are challenging, emotionally intense relationships. having a sounding board and tending to your mental health, rather than allowing things to deteriorate further, is the healthiest, smartest thing you can do.

have you given more thought to seeing a therapist, and possibly a doctor? depression is going to make even the smallest changes like moving a mountain.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 07, 2018, 11:29:04 PM
Thanks and sorry for the late  reply. This past week flags been stressful to say the least. She has now asked for a complete break for a week for us to sort out our heads.

While I appreciate her gesture I can’t help thinking this it now I’m being discarded. She said that the relationship was breaking down (agree) and she does not know how she feels (a week before I couldn’t sneeze without her thinking I was leaving her because she loves me so much). So I agreed and the withdrawal of complete idolisation is effecting me badly. saw my doctor this week told her what is happening and she feels I have depression and recommended no tablets but cbt.

Never done this before so not even sure what it’s about. Am I losing my mental health now. Certainly feels that way. After 5 years of my time and even thinking has been 100% on her. I don’t even know who iam anymore. Stopped going out, being social and any hobbies I had before her. Just feels like I’ve been emptied and discarded.

Regards to apologising when she does I admitted that I used to get pent up with resentment. Once I knew of her disorder I did stop and try to come across as kind and compassionate. I would forgive her fully and even reassure after. It seemed to make her worse though with her going to this next boundary and testing my reassurances and basically twisting it round by linking it with a past argument. I’m not perfect and I may have reacted fensivelt at the start but nothing that bad. These few moments are always brought up.

I have come to realise and appreciate what she has. She has an illness. I so badly wish I can’t take these feelings away and I know I can’t and to stop getting frustrated. But the coldness and contempt she has showed me and the break that she now wants leads me to believe she has cut her feeling off now. In other words the pain of me confronting her and showing her my understanding of her caused too much pain and fears and it’s easier to cut me off. I can’t even begin to imagine how a person can do that. I’m dying here but again, she is ill.

I understand she feels in extremes only. I’m not saying she purposely fooled me. But it’s almost as if she has the emotional maturity of a child. (How did I not see that at the start). She is like this with everyone. Example her sister did not sit next to her at the restaurant and she was furious did not speak to her all night and told me some awful things about her.  Later at home she would then switch and she’s her “best sister” again! Then when I try and explain that maybe she didn’t meant it like that she would be furious, like a dad who defended his daughters worst enemy. How can I even trust someone like that? I need a partner that can meet my emotional needs. But again I will have to examine the reasons why I stayed.

I recognise I was lonely plus have a personality that is very loving, trusting, receptive and forgiving. I’m not boasting I was just raised with good role models. It’s not a good thing in other ways as it can leave me vulnerable. I yearned for love before I met her. She gave me that and my boundaries just kept on moving. I accepted things I should never have and deep down it may have been a sense of my own fears of being alone and also felt important - she needed me. I just ignored my own head telling me this is not right

I wish I did something about it. Maybe she would of been diagnosed earlier and with the knowledge I have now and would have reacted differently to her.

As I said I’m starting cbt. Yes it was hard I’ve NEVER asked anyone for help before. Never been depressed before and I’m in my fourties! Thought I was but not like this. It’s all consuming and I have lost a stone in weight over the last month.

But I have reached an epiphany. It’s not my fault and It’s not her fault. I have my own thinking to do in this week break. I want to focus on myself as the one person I’m not being fair or good to is me. I have to start loving myself again and realise I can’t change her to love herself as well. She has to realise that herself and learn the skills from dbt therapy to deal with her emotions better. I know it won’t happen overnight or at all. But I do love and care for her and her son but I’ll see how I feel after a week with no contact. Day 2... .




Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 07, 2018, 11:42:07 PM
Thanks Radcliff.

I’m only starting now to examine my life outside of her. I don’t have one! I have let go of everything and everyone. But my family are great. I need to reconnect with friends who I’ve stopped talking to because I was angry that they didn’t approve of her ( my stupid mistake). It’s hard but I’m looking at gym membership. I’ve never used social media so reactivated my Facebook (it caused too many issues with her asking practically that all females be removed) so I just deactivated it 4 years ago. I’m looking at my writing again as I was writing a novel before I met her.

In short I’m trying. It’s just hard as I almost feel like a parent who lost their child in that everything feels empty and does not excite me. I’m putting this down to the depression that’s formed.

I just feel like a shell of who I was but with support I will get there.



Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 08, 2018, 01:33:27 PM
I have my own thinking to do in this week break. I want to focus on myself as the one person I’m not being fair or good to is me.

im sorry about the latest development, and that you are struggling.

i think the part above is a great attitude. a therapeutic time out can help. it can give you the time and space to focus on you, to focus on learning the tools here, to weigh your options. to start moving things in a healthier direction.

its a new day. how is the CBT going? have you reached out to those friends? joined a gym?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 11, 2018, 01:56:55 PM
And... .situation has changed again.

Day 3 of the break she called me when I was at work. I flipped and answered straight away. She said she can’t stand not talking anymore and loves me so much and misses me and her son is really sad from not seeing me.

I agree to meet her that night (my brain was saying no but I had not slept for 48 hours and my heart said yes). I went that night and while her son  jumped on me she was staring coldly?

We sat we spoke, but it was the still same resentment filled anger from her. I didn’t get it, why ask to see me? She admitted she can’t not have no contact with me but she still feels the same way in hat she’s not sure if she can be with me. Kept saying love is not the problem but I let her down. Went through pretty much every thing I did wrong, some real most perceived.

It was draining. I wanted to remind her of everything she had done but I didn’t. It was almost as if she would admit to how bad she’s been to me as she would talk about them but at the same time abuse me over my reaction to them and how I hurt her. I think this was because I said at the start of the talk that night with I’m sorry for the way I reacted to her during the first 4 years.

Anyway she did calm down especially when I said I think we should try and continue the break. She didn’t want the break (which I admit was killing me too) and wanted us to just try and work on ourselves. We agreed to some boundaries.

1) was to give each other space and not to try and control each other. 2) that I was not going to be a pushover when she has a bad mood swing and I will end the confrontation by giving her time alone but that I will come back. 3) I will not get needy and insecure when she does pull back which she inevitably will at times. 4) that I’m 100% responsible for myself so I will need to do thing me for myself but she should know I love her.

Last night we stayed the night together the first in a while. This morning she gone cold again after I tried to speak about our therapies. I was hoping that if we communicate more about it it would help. But she didn’t like it and went mad at me when it inevitably led to her traumatic childhood. I regret saying it but again it feel like “I” was in the wrong for wanting to talk openly. Was I? I tried to resolve by saying it’s ok I’m sorry for going on about it and if she prefers we can try and have done normality (firstly boundary no 2 got broken and secondly in reality there has never really been normality in our relationship over a sustained period of time).

I read BPD relationships feels like a Rollercoaster? Feels more  like a blender to me. I really am doubting my own sanity. Started to think that I may have real problems of my own as a result of being with her or where they already there?

I’m more confused now than I’ve ever been and in answer to your question Cbt went ok I cried a lot talking about it which helped to be completely open as I couldn’t with anyone else for fear of family and friends involving themselves or stressing them out.

I joined a gym, which she didn’t like at all but I went anyway. I have started a weight gain diet which even after a few days I do feel better but... .Since this it’s kinda thrown me back.

Maybe I shouldn’t have answered and stuck to the week break. I don’t know. What I do know is that everyone of my family and friends have seen this change in me and seen me deteriorate. I know they know it’s as a result of my relationship and they will have nothing to do with her.

I can only see this heading one way but I find it impossible to leave her. Am I in love? Dependant? In love and dependant?





Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 12, 2018, 01:57:31 PM
stay centered... .all in all, it sounds like things went pretty well. be realistic about the changes you expect to see and how quickly. the relationship didnt get to this place over night, it will not get to a better place over night.

Excerpt
This morning she gone cold again after I tried to speak about our therapies. I was hoping that if we communicate more about it it would help. But she didn’t like it and went mad at me when it inevitably led to her traumatic childhood. I regret saying it but again it feel like “I” was in the wrong for wanting to talk openly. Was I?

well, you tried it and it didnt go over well, so i wouldnt do it again. it doesnt have to be less or more than that. she probably felt that you were putting pressure on her, and reacted badly.

the plan between the two of you sounds like a good one. in this relationship, the reality is, you are in a better position to affect this change than she is, and it will likely be far more effective if you are holding to the boundaries you have placed on yourself, and lead by example, rather than remind her shes not holding up her end of the bargain. she will list off the ways that you arent either, and youll find yourself in a circular argument.

but you did have, in a time of relative calm, good communication, set boundaries together, and made an effort to get on the same page. thats great, and you can build on that, check in with each other further down the line, in an effort to remain on the same page, without blame, but as a team.

right now? id be trying to create fun and romance, and be working on holding up my end of the bargain. she may test you on the latter part. if you hold strong, she will likely follow your example.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 18, 2018, 09:18:46 AM
I appreciate the advice but this is hurting me so bad. I can’t create romance and fun when she is bitter and resentful to me all the time. It’s almost I hate you but I won’t leave you.

I know I love her. It’s the not knowing how she feels about me that’s killing me. I also understand it’s part of her disorder. She has switched from seeing me all good to all bad.weno longer see each other that much she spends all her time with her friends or cousins almost and behaves as if I’ve betrayed her. When I asked her last night she admitted she does not know why she is being this way. She said she does love me and can’t go a day without taking to me but she has this anger towards me and does not know why.

I’m trying to deal with myself during this as well but I admit I can’t stop thinking about her when I’m alone and have started become big depressed in my own faults and the fact that I let everything else in my life go for her and how empty it is without her now even as toxic as it got sometimes.

But I do keep telling myself that I knew deep down who I was with. I even told myself at each indicator that it’s fine I didn’t care. It was my choice to stay with her after she cheated. After all the paranoias and declarations of love and of not being able to live without me. Her constant need of my thoughts during her rages. I chose to devote all my time at the expense of everything else in my life. I don’t hate her for this I just wish I connected the dots earlier.

Because it’s funny: for 5 years I responded in a certain way and things got worse. It took her finally discarding me (as I think this is what she’s doing right now to me) for me to equip myself with the knowledge to be in a relationship with a borderline!

I know this may be my paranoia from reading on BPD  but I honestly now think she has met someone else and she is not letting me fully go until she’s certain of him. She has been very guarded of late. Despite us having had nights together she has not been sexual and she now says she has lost her sex drive but nothing is going on (she also said she is afraid that I will now stray so I had to reassure her I wouldn’t stray if we weren’t intimate for the rest of the conversation)

I’m sorry but your probably read that and thinking I’m just being jealous and paranoid. In a way iam. I’m happy if she is happy but I’m jealous how going through this she can act like nothings happening with us and be happy with her friends and family while I can’t help but be  miserable with my own family.

It’s like I don’t matter anymore and THAT is what’s holding me back. Please tell me: Is she even capable of thinking about and actually caring about how I feel or is it always going to be about how she feels as the world in her eyes seems to be solely based on her emotional state?

We had a conversation last night as I said. I tried to explain to her how I’ve been feeling without trying to play on her guilt. I explained that I’m willling to be patient now and not react, that she may not know why I would but I DO love her. I told her I want this to work and to just let me back in.

She asked why I would love someone like her. - I told her from my heart why.

She then acknowledged that she has been cold and hurtful and she not sure why but that she does love me.

Then she said she is just not sure about me.

I asked why is she not sure and her answer was she does not why as I’ve not done anything wrong to her.

It was almost as if she was saying I love you but not sure if I can stand you anymore. It’s breaking my heart.

Today it’s the same she’s out with her friends all day. I asked if I can at some point see her and her child and she flippantly said yeah maybe later.

Now I’m sitting here waiting for her to call me;  depressed, exhausted and confused writing this... .









Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 19, 2018, 11:40:47 AM
space.

give space, and dont chase or over pursue.

your anxiety may be driving you to pursue her, and to wear your heart on your sleeve, but the result will be that she further withdraws, and you will be in greater pain and kicking yourself.

this is something shes going to have to work through. as hard as it may feel to do so, let her.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 19, 2018, 01:10:11 PM
Hey

Your right this has hit me very hard and I have been chasing and in fact I feel I’ve started to react the same way she would have I suppose in an unconscious way.

Actually scrap that, I’ve reacted and feel insecure and this has hit my self esteem and have reacted like a little teenager!

It was just such a shock as in 5 years I certainly felt her anger but never this cold contemptuous persona and I reacted. It was hard not to even when I told myself not to before each encounter.

I also read that with BPD out of sight is out of mind and I was scared by not showing her how I feel she would push me completely away.

Since this morning there’s been another change.

Suddenly she is being warm and loving. But I have not reacted badly by questioning her. I just went with the flow and the call ended nicely which I have to say brought me some relief.

I think I’m slowly coming to the realisation that if I love her and accept her I need to accept this. She knows my extreme boundries like lying and cheating and I told her I will not take her moods at face value and react to that myself.

I ended the call by saying I love her, I miss her and as long as she is open with me; even when it comes to the most minor of thoughts I will never judge her.

I know this will happen again eventually. But I’m no longer going to try and not walk on eggshells as the floor is covered and I’m going to clean my side of the street so to speak. That was the problem I became so enmeshed with her problems that I stopped doing the best thing I could of done for us: and that is looking after myself and staying strong for all three of us.

She is going therapy, I’m going therapy and hopefully we get the tools we need so we can have a chance of having a stable relationship. Because deep down I know I met my soul mate and I can only hope she has met hers.

There is nothing wrong about her, if I had fallen in love with a burn victim what right do I have to despair and feel sorry for myself when she cries every time I touch her? This is the same except her emotions were burnt a long time ago.

Yes I have read guys stories about how they were tricked and didn’t know until they were in love and these people have no right to be in a relationship. Well they are wrong. Ok so you fell in love and they changed once they stopped idealisation of you.

I knew when this was happening that it was not normal. Then I got my ego burst. I love her for who she is. It’s not going to be easy. But she is worth fighting for and I will.

(My next post maybe me crying in despair) but I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your advice. Never reached out in my life and you helped immensely.






Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 20, 2018, 12:39:31 PM
I also read that with BPD out of sight is out of mind and I was scared by not showing her how I feel she would push me completely away.

this is not meant to be taken literally. think about it. presumably, she has texted or contacted you before when the two of you werent in the same proximity. she doesnt forget that you exist.

but people with BPD traits struggle with two things: object constancy, and object permanence. the two are often confused, and the second one is more about the concept of "out of sight out of mind".

object constancy has to do with seeing another person as an integrated whole, rather than all good or all bad based on the last interaction. it has more to do with splitting, black and white thinking, "all or never" statements, etc.

object permanence is the ability to know that just because a person isnt physically with us, that we have a bond with them that isnt threatened just because they leave our presence; and to soothe ourselves when we are lonely by remembering that we have that connection. this has more to do with feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and fears of abandonment.

anyway.

sharp move not questioning her or pushing for answers, and going with the flow. that takes strength.

so, whats going on in therapy for both of you, and has there been any change today?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 21, 2018, 01:56:50 AM
I thought as much but you read soo many things in the internet. It’s worrying because most of them say to basically get out and I’m a fool to stay. I try to read more things from official websites and points of views from people with BPD.

One thing I did notice all the blogs by people with BPD are different. (In other words it made me realise that you can’t just put a label on someone and say it fits)

It’s taken strength hell yes but it does not stop me despairing alone. And that’s just it I feel alone now.

Last night was ok. We spoke about normal things and our relationship was only spoken about when she raised it. She questioned why I became distant in the previous months and when she asked for a break why I’m suddenly being attentive and not arguing back when she rants at me.

I told her I finally educated myself. That I realised that my actions where reacting to hers but now that I know why she reacts I can handle it and not react back.

She admitted her actions especially of late has been harsh on me and she was sorry. She cried that she had done this to me and as a result I lost weight and are depressed and how I focused on her and not myself which is why she wanted a break. I told her I’m sorry for taking it the wrong way. She agreed our relationship had turned toxic and we need to work on ourselves.

Sounds great right? Then she broke down and asked why I would be with someone like her. I told her the reasons. I don’t look down at her and don’t see her as someone that’s not normal just someone that was scarred emotionally in the past and those wounds are raw.

We had a frank discussion on how we feel now. I told her the truth and she said she still does not feel how this would work and if it didn’t if I would still support her and see her son who loves me. I said I would as I love him. This obviously sent alarm bells with whether she is seeing another and testing the waters and I will be a safe landing but didn’t show this to her as it’s likely my own paranoia and if it’s not there’s not anything I can do about it anyway.

Why do I have this feeling though. even if she can switch again backup before  I don’t think I want that, it felt uncomfortable before when she idealised me as it always felt forced. It was great to feel wanted but I need someone that makes me feel grounded not worshipped.  I want her to see ME good and bad as I’m not perfect and love me for the person iam.

With therapy she has one on one sessions and is going through mentalisation group therapy. She is on tablets which makes her sleep 12 hours a day. Which means she is in bed by 9.30 but struggles to be up by 8 and i I think she is not taking them regularly as the tablets have caused her to gain weight (a daily rant reason).

My therapy hasn’t started properly but she thinks I may have depression I will have 6 sessions. I’m a bit apprehensive about this as since educating myself I have tried to come to terms with it but I can’t seem to stop going on forums and reading about it. Even when I work I’m listening to therapist videos on bettering you relationship with borderline. What get me is that they all say how hard it is to sustain a relationship and indicates that only relatives will have the unconditional love to do this which is why relationships are doomed unless she acknowledges her condition and gets help for years to come.

I know it’s going to be hard and it may not even work in the end. Do I dare commit myself fully at the risk of my own well-being where in the end she may not even feel anything but hate for me?  I’m not asking for an answer only I can answer it.






Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Steppingforward on November 21, 2018, 03:52:28 AM
Just reread I didn’t mean she has put on weight because she does not take the tablets regularly. Rather she has put on weight as a side effect to the tablets and I think she has stopped taking them regularly.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 21, 2018, 11:40:07 PM
well, you certainly wont hear me defending what the internet has to say about this disorder. 99% of it is urban legends, junk psychology, huge generalizations, plain falsehoods, and does a lot more harm than it helps. the disorder exists on a spectrum, and the internet doesnt make a lot of room for that; it takes relatively ordinary dysfunction or even behavior that has benign explanations and says "all borderlines do x y and z and you have nothing to do with it".

people with BPD traits are just like you and i. the laws of human nature still apply, and we still have a great deal to do with the conflict. where someone with traits of the disorder differs, either a little, significantly, or more extremely, revolve around the traits that distinguish it... .difficulty regulating emotions, high impulsivity, a far higher than average fear of abandonment, an unstable sense of knowing who they are, as well as tendency to self harm, and eating disorders. immaturity, and poor coping styles.

there is real value in better understanding the disorder, and your partner. its just not easy to navigate in this day and age, in terms of vetting sources.

there are top notch books here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews

a lot to learn in the discussions here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0

tips to learn how to navigate online resources here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161211.0

And that’s just it I feel alone now.

i would really encourage you to join in the threads of others. not only will you feel less alone, and build support, but it will hone and keep honing your problem solving skills.  

Last night was ok. We spoke about normal things and our relationship was only spoken about when she raised it. She questioned why I became distant in the previous months and when she asked for a break why I’m suddenly being attentive and not arguing back when she rants at me.

I told her I finally educated myself. That I realised that my actions where reacting to hers but now that I know why she reacts I can handle it and not react back.

She admitted her actions especially of late has been harsh on me and she was sorry. She cried that she had done this to me and as a result I lost weight and are depressed and how I focused on her and not myself which is why she wanted a break. I told her I’m sorry for taking it the wrong way. She agreed our relationship had turned toxic and we need to work on ourselves.

some general tips... .

1. change is scary. this is why its a good idea to take slow steps in terms of affecting change. your partner will wonder whats up. it can feel threatening and destabilizing.

2. generally speaking, in these sorts of talks, try to do more listening than talking/answering. ask validating questions (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.0).

3. dont put all your cards on the table in terms of what youre learning and doing... .see why below.

Sounds great right? Then she broke down and asked why I would be with someone like her. I told her the reasons. I don’t look down at her and don’t see her as someone that’s not normal just someone that was scarred emotionally in the past and those wounds are raw.

4. low self esteem tends to run hand in hand with BPD traits. there is a tendency to put others on a pedestal, and see themselves as bad. on the flip side, there is a tendency to do the opposite. give reassurance yes, but you cant love this out of a person, and its important not to fall into that trap.

Why do I have this feeling though. even if she can switch again backup before  I don’t think I want that, it felt uncomfortable before when she idealised me as it always felt forced. It was great to feel wanted but I need someone that makes me feel grounded not worshipped.  I want her to see ME good and bad as I’m not perfect and love me for the person iam.

a black and white worldview, and way of relating to others is a hallmark of BPD. there is not a lot of middle ground.

i would not be surprised if after this conversation, you see some tests, some acting out behaviors, some push/pull. stay close to the board. keep us posted. keep honing your skills.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Beneck on November 22, 2018, 01:49:00 AM
3. dont put all your cards on the table in terms of what youre learning and doing... .see why below.

Would you say that it's a bad idea (in general) to do this (and specifically in regards to getting educated about BPD and any personality disorder)? If so, why?


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: once removed on November 22, 2018, 02:11:01 AM
what i mean is that i wouldnt recommend telling someone "im learning about you/how to deal with you".

"im learning more about myself/how i can better interact with others", yes.


Title: Re: am I in love with a disorder?
Post by: Harri on December 30, 2018, 02:28:20 PM
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This thread has reached the post limit and has been locked.  A new thread was started and can be found here:
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=332518.0