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Well... .just as you guys have predicted... .the zaniness continues... I have called her twice over the past few weeks, just to say  " hi ... hope you are well "... and let her know I still care and think about her... .and ... as predicted ... each conversation ended when she started bringing up negative stuff from the past " You just never could seem to hold it together "... type left handed passive aggressive insults, and both times... .I said " I just wanted to call and make sure your doing ok,,,and if youre going to start the bitterness again, i have to go... have a good night and take care "... .both times I exited the conversation at the first hint of her starting to play the blame game... .and accusing me for our breakup... .and listing all my negatives

anyway... fast forward to last Friday... .her birthday occurred last week... .and for the first time ever, I completely ignored her birthday, no call, no card ... nothing... .but just coincidentally, I had been drinking and called her Friday night... .it rang a couple times , she didn't answer , so i hung up and forgot about it altogether... .

So last night I get this text ... "thanks for the call... Ive been busy"... .Then I remembered I had called her , so I replied simply " me too. "... .then about an hour later  , i get a text from her with a picture of some flowers... .with the text saying " thanks for thinking of my birthday, that was very sweet " ( I hadn't sent flowers , they were from someone else obviously )... .so I just replied, " Wrong guy "... .she replied " oh , you are right that text was meant for someone else "... .I simply replied " no words "... .because i did not want to show any emotion at all... .she then tried to bait me by texting " I never expected anything from you anyway."

that ended the contact... .I havn't responded at all to that...


Thoughts?  what's going through her mind... .did I do OK here.? Is she lying and trying to kick me in the gut,,,or just rubbing it in my face that  " someone else "is sending her flowers... .

Its got my dander up... .but I have not responded... .just curious for thoughts here?

Hi Dumpsterdog,

How are things going?  Seems like things were looking up last time you posted.  Hopefully all is well.

Well,  I understand why you would reach out to your ex.  We are always hopeful that things will be different.  Did you reach out in hopes of getting back together? 

Who knows what her motivation was for sending you that picture.  You could just look at it as a mistake on her part and just put it behind you.  It seems like a good thing that you were able to end the contact without anymore back and forth. 

Take care and do what is best for you.

Mustbeabetterway

Hi dumpsterdog,

When I read her response after you sent “no words” i get the sense that she’s embarrassed that’s she sent it to the wrong guy.  This is just a friendly tip that will help you with emotionally immature people and high conflict people you leave your last response of “no words” out it’s JADEy.

That being said I also get the feeling that you’re testing her to see if she has feelings for you I think that it’s very possible that  you still have feelings for her. What’s going on? Talk to us.

I think i'm just wanting to know she is safe... I know there is no resurrection this time... i'm disappointed to finally know I don't want to go back to her... .but I do feel a sense of obligation to check in from time to time because she does get dark and suicidal ( shes a cutter ) etc... .so I feel obligated to let her know I care, even if it does just give her some sick satisfaction... .or feeling of power... I just want her to know I care... .Ironically she always seems to just want me to know that she doesn't care, and reminds me that " I blew it and dont deserve her and ALREADY had MY CHANCE" and starts rehashing all the negs... .I know every conversation ends in a neg... .i just want her to know i care.

Hi dumpsterdog,


Do you have feelings of guilt because you don't want to go back?

Yes maybe feelings of guilt and disappointment for being fooled, and falling for it so many times in a six year period... im older , more used up and less eveything than i used to be... .a little depressing... .but ... it is what it is...

Do t be hard on yourself sometimes we have to go through an experience several times until we’re done with it. You’re never too old tgis a chance to take inventory and change things that you have in your power to change. Do you have goals? Become healthier, get a muscle car, go back to school, etc... .Can you share some with us?

When you say used up get the sense that you feel like you don’t find someone else other than your expwBPD?

Latest chapter... .spent some time in Vegas over New yrs week... .did not contact her to let her know i was coming etc... .but on the last day there I did send a text... .asked her point blank if she wanted to stay connected in any way , made it a point to say "  no expectations, no strings "... .She said "I'm in limbo right now" " I miss you at times, but amtrying to move on... ."... we traded a couple more meaningless pleasantries." I said " I;m in limbo too, and i miss you as well "... .and left at that... .since then I have called a couple times and sent innocent meaningless texts to say " have a good day " etc... .

Today I thought about calling her... .and decided not to... .at the exact moment I decide not to call her... .a text comes through form her " please do not call me anymore"... I have moved on with my life ... .Best of luck with your life "...

She has sent these " finality "... messages before, so I assumed she just wanted some attention, and maybe to devalue and hurt me a little... .so I responded with some ugly truths... .saying, "I tried everything, I stuck by you when you were activity seeking out old boyfriends, and laying the groundwork for new ones ... .I tried to give you space when you needed it, and guess what?... I am stronger than you thought, and you cant hurt me anymore"... .


she replied " we broke up because of your drug use, not because of me looking around at other men. " ( she always had this underlying, conjured up thing, that i was out doing drugs whenever she wasn't with me... .totally false)... .I responded that she " still cant take any responsibility for any of her bad behaviors which destroyed all her previous relationships ", and that she is still trying to blame others etc... .So we went back and forth ... she said " i deserve to be happy "... .I responded " yes, we both deserve happiness. "... .then she ended that barrage with " I.m going out right now ... .Happiness Time"... like to through it in my face she was leaving right now to go out with Whom or What ever" happiness time " means... .so I just relied... ." until Mr. Hyde shows up" .

No further responses... .


so... .give me some intuitive forward thinking anyone... .now what... .she basically told me never to call her again, but she didn't have to go into all the details about going out with someone new right now... .etc.

I feel I made my point that she cant hurt me, and called her on her bad behaviors. etc... .she still has the nerve to give me attitude like She doesn't want ME back... .and wants to hurt me by telling me shes with someone else right now... .What the heck?

I'm way late to the party here,  but regarding what you posted a few months ago,  I received a couple of texts meant for her paramour.  They were hurtful.  People here thought she did it on purpose,  but they were not connected with any communications we were having.  No matter the reason,  they were hurtful and I was angry. 

Regarding this continued back and forth, I think it continues because both of you are getting something out of it.  She could certainly enforce her wishes of NC by not answering,  blocking,  or threatening you with law enforcement.  What are you getting out of this?

This sounds tough, sorry for what you are experiencing.


I’m going to tread lightly here and say that she is still hurting you, even without contact.

If so, confront it.

If not, you are way ahead of the game.

What am I getting   out of all this.?... reinforcement that shes not the kind of person that I want to be with... that I'm just ONE ON A LONG STRING OF " JOHNS " SHE HAS USED AND SEXED UP TO GET HER BILLS PAID, OR A new job etc... .AND THAT I have an amazing amount of guilt , because in the beginning, ( 2009 )... .I actually left a woman who was wonderful to me because I thought that BPD girl was truthful when I told her that before we had sex, I wanted to make sure she wanted a monogamous r ship with me only... .…... of course she stayed in touch with several other exes, and cultivated new followers throughout the time I was living with her and taking care of her autistic son, whom she eventually kicked out of the house and he still wont even speak to her... .….and then she had the nerve to accuse me of doing something to him to make him hate his mother... .……... list goes on... .…... .I'm still hurt over being used abused and …….I kind of want her to know that she is completely wrong about " not taking me back "... and the fact is she is a loser piece of crap and I don't need her in my life … I just wANT HER TO KNOW SHE ISNT Fooling me anymore and that I don't want a life with a abusive lying slut. And that... I did give her a great chance at a good life with someone who truly loves her and would have taken a bullet for her... .if she only hadn't been such a mean ruthless old bat. My pride is still wounded... .….I know ... .but I cant help feeling like a shark bit my heart while I was trying to help it get to the right water so it could feel better.

You could send her something like that reply... .and be done with it.  She isn't going to admit or validate anything. 

Or you could not respond or contact and let the shark go. 

at the end of the day, trying to get her to see the light, or see things as you see them, is just a continuation of the old relationship fights.

where do you want to go from here? do you want to detach? do you want to get back with her?

A difficult choice... .seems like lose ... lose for me at this point... .shes never going to be what i thought she was... i know this now... .but doesnt make it hurt less... .

personally, i think whether you want her back or want to detach, both involve letting go of the old relationship battles, the old hurts, whos right or wrong, who hurt who.

if you want her back, it isnt constructive and just keeps you in conflict.

if you want to detach, it isnt constructive, and just keeps you in conflict.

Well... .is this the end... ?

I received a text from her last week stating...   " Please do not contact me anymore... .I have moved on with my life ".

It hit me hard... .I could not help but respond:

" I stuck with you while you were activily seeking out old boyfriends, and laying the groundwork for new ones. I tried sticking around and being patient , and I tried leaving to give you space. You projected all the previous hurts from all other men in your life onto me, and then destroyed me for not being able to carry all that baggage... ."

She replied ... " we broke up because of the drugs , not because of anything I did. " ( everytime I was a little late getting home, or it she didnt know exactly where I was and with whom, she would always accuse me of doing drugs ... .)


I replied ... " Will you ever be able to take any responsibility in your part of any of your broken relationships... just very sad... ." I'm sorry for anything I ever did to hurt you, Good luck "


Is she done for good now that she apparently has a greener pasture on which to graze... ? Or should I expect another plea for something just when I start to also move on... ?

i think the question is whether youre done for good.

if you want to reconcile the relationship, you need a different strategy. by and large, the two of you are in a holding pattern, fighting about the relationship issues, talking again, then not talking again.

do you want to continue as you are? do you want to reconcile/improve things? or do you want to detach?

i dont know... because i dont know what she wants... and i cant ever get anything resembling a logical discussion thats not making me chase my own tale.

i moved your thread to the Bettering board. for now, if you dont want to detach, lets at least stop the bleeding.

a good first rule is to learn not to JADE. JADE stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. JADE fuels circular arguments, it makes us overly defensive, its a good habit to drop, and it will really help you whether you want to detach, get back together, or just stop fighting.

lets go back to the beginning of the thread:


there are really a few approaches here. you called to say hi, hope you are well. you say she switched to negative stuff from the past. in that situation, you want to counter with maturity. one approach might be exactly what you did. "i just wanted to call and make sure youre doing okay". leave it there. dont throw blame or threaten to leave the conversation or otherwise JADE. another approach is to leave the conversation gracefully (without threatening or blaming). you might say "i just wanted to call and make sure youre doing okay. it sounds like _____ is going well, and im glad to hear about _____ (new development in her life). ive gotta (run to the restroom, run an errand, whatever), so ill letcha go, talk to you soon". the end.

one other approach (more appropriate for if you want to get back together) might be hearing her out, and just listening, maybe even a little self deprecation. dont let the negative stuff get under your skin, it may be her way of trying to be heard, and that can open doors if you primarily just listen without JADEing or being defensive.

but whatever you do, you dont want to keep having battles like this. its heavy on JADE, its just rehashing old fights, and it wont help you either get her back or detach.



make sense?

yes ... your response makes sense... .I really do understand your point... .I guess deep down I feel I have apologized many times for the perceived slights she always accused me of, and I really just want her to admit she did some pretty awful things to me and also apologize... .from all I've been reading for  a few years now... ( I guess one would think I would start to understand I'm never going to get an apology ), I still think that I've admitted my mistakes and apologized, and that if she would do the same , we could have a fresh start... .and also , from what Ive read, I understand I'm never going to get that, and If that's what I  am waiting for, I am just wasting my time... .I get it... .I'm still just not letting go and admitting I got burned... .(maybe that's my NPD side ? )... who knows... .I realize I need to let it go and just move on... .but there's where I am still hooked a little... .I guess I know I really don't want her back... .I just want her to admit her part in the ugliness as well... .thanks for your input ... it does help. I am textbook " hoping the honeymoon phase comes back... .and it's just too mkuch for me to deal with the fact it was all just a reflection for her to get her hooks in me.;... .devastating deception for me.

I will start reading the bettering board... maybe that will help as well... thank you.

when a relationship ends, both sides have no choice but to let go of who wronged or hurt who.

it isnt that simple, of course. those things need to be processed, mourned, grieved. but the other party cant do those things for us. you cant heal her wounds, and she cant heal yours.

now of course, if you were to get back together, those hurts would have to be healed, and the two of you would have to both be in a place where the long standing conflict could be resolved.


the skills and tools will take you far in whichever path you choose, as well as relationships in the future.

still hurting and searching... .I did not contact her for v tines day, and I haven't heard anything from her since the " dont call me anymore " email for a month ago... .and I'm still in a different state halfway across the country... have a good job, and have put a bid in to buy a house... .…... .which Im 50/50 on that decision, because if my bid is accepted... .looks like im staying hear for quite some time... .and it's like im leaving room to accept never seeing her again and moving on... but I wish I was still with her and that she ( both of us ) were behaving and loving each other... .I really thought I might hear from her by now... .and I also know that if she is with someone else, and eventually does dump him and re engage ... .im not taking sloppy seconds... .makes me angry to have me in a lose lose situation agaibn... I hate it that I have no choice but to hate her for all this b####sh#t

its a hard place to be in, man.

think of it this way, though. when you were hearing from each other, it was all fighting. thats likely all it was going to be between then and now.

space can be good for you both, if you use it to get in a more centered place. when and if you do hear from her, youll likely both be in a better, friendlier place. 

probably right... .I wish shed just get her head out of ass

so... .I tiptoed around with a simple text... ." just wondering if you are doing ok.?"
She actually replied to my surprise... ."been busy.started a new job"... .was all she said... I replied " good for you ... hgpe you like it... .good to hear you are ok"
Nothing else from her... .but at least a small response... .now I wonder whats going through her mind

well, its not a lot, but it didnt go badly.

i think if you want her in your life, i would send very light, very occasional probes like that, that you can slowly build on.

what do you think?

tangled web it is...so much time has been wasted with her...i'm hesitant to completely move on..partly out of fear that she will come back around when i least expect it...its the not knowing...and reading everything about what and what not to expect that just has me soo confused...shes got her cake and eating it too...and im lose / lose...no matter what...just feels rotten to the core...then i feel bad because she really has " disorder " as an excuse...just no way for me to feel good about any of it

why are you fearing this? you want her to come back around, right?

things have deteriorated pretty badly over time. they didnt get there over night, they wont be solved over night. my advice would not be "move on", but it would be live your life, pursue your goals and dreams, get her out of your day to day life, and focus on reaching the best version of yourself. those things are attractive. theyll be good for you personally, too.

Had an awful weekend...fell back into some self medication, replayed the tapes of her hitting me , kicking , cutting my clothes, screwing other men while I was staying home taking care of her house and dogs, locking me out of the house half dressed with no wallet or keys to even go somewhere else, her blatant lying, cheating, calling the cops every time I asked her about other men, or found some cheating evidence on her phone or computer...the list goes on..its been eating at me hard for a few days...I really want to just get her in a room and tell her what a loser piece of ___e she is and make very clear that she isn't fooling anyone and that she should be ashamed of what a deceitful lying con slut she really is...but I know that will be good for nobody...I feel like this...If I saw someone kick my puppy, I would absolutely beat the ___e out of them immediately with no remorse...I, at least this weekend have had that same amount of hate and anger towards her for stuff that she did 2 - 4 years ago...it still just disables me at times...and I have the decency to be reading and studying to figure out how to treat her the way " she needs to be treated "...F that...she needs to be thrown in jail and never be able to get close to anyone ever again ...I think Ive entered the anger phase...hard.

do you think youre grieving the relationship?