BPDFamily.com

Or maybe I'm too sensitive. 

My ex asked to take the kids to her cousin's wedding pot of town three weeks ago.  It was short of the 30 days' notice for a vacation,  per the stipulation,  but I'm flexible.  Then she said I could go if I wanted.  No one in her extended family would question it.  So I went and drove this weekend, she,  I and the kids. 

Mexican wedding,  so it was an all day affair.  Breakfast wth traditional food at the house,  then did traditional to their home state at the reception.  Not taco bell or Anglicized Mexican food. That was part of the draw for me. 

I noticed that her aunt's (one of her mom's sisters) home was for sale when we pulled up.  She said that her uncle had another woman another daughter and they were getting divorced.  I've been out of the loop.  I saw him and we acknowledged each other but I didn't go shake his hand.  He was kind of in the periphery the whole time. 

The wedding was at a very small civic center.  There was, however,  a very nice playground outside.  Our kids were there for hours. I should have known her anxiety was coming. " Where are the kids? Why aren't you watching them?" They are outside with 30 other kids, some teenagers, at least one sat of parents from the party, and two security guards. "You need to watch them!" I just checked on them and they're ok.

This went on. 

At one point,  her 26 year old brother came out.  He and I were of accord.  He said derisively, "nothing's going to happen to them." She came out and saw S8 on top of a play structure. "You need to watch him!" I said that if he fell, she couldn't get there fast enough to catch him.  "You never know!" As if she were The Flash. There was netting. She also pulled the,  "it's daddy's custody time so he can watch the kids" when her mom asked where the kids were.  Thanks. 

S8 spent an inordinate amount of time on the bathroom.  He's ASD1. He can obsess about wiping or just sit there.  "You need to check on him!" I did. 3x. He finally came out. He was fine.  The bathroom was indoors.

The party later amped up.  They had some cool traditional things specific to their home state in Mexico: effigies of a bride and groom (and a Turkey on a platter!) Dancing around with a mariachi band.  My ex doesn't wear her wedding ring anymore but I noticed that she put it on for a while.  Earlier in the day one of her relatives asked in Spanish where her husband was and she pointed to me and said the father of her kids was here instead. 

On the way there, an hour's drive, we'd talked a little.  I wanted to leave by 830, even on a Saturday night,  because I'm used to getting up at 5am. I gave her the choice of going home with one of her family but she choseto go with us even though I could see she wanted to stay and party.

A half hour home,  D6 had fallen asleep,  S8 was still awake,  she turned to me,  "so how are you?" Uh, I'm ok.  I thought I told you how I was earlier when I told you about my mom and you were telling me about your parents. 

"You know I never thought that we had common goals.  Like did you want a family?" Thinking of the kids in the backseat thought "are you kidding me?"

I asked her what she meant and she askd me what I wanted out of life.  I know what she meant: her Big Dreams. So I lectured... .that in order to achieve the big dreams, one needed to take care of the basics. She had  prefaced this by saying that she wanted to work less in order to spend more time on the kids.  I didn't say that if she hadn't gone off the rails that by now, since she was working part time with me and taking classes, that she'd be done with her degree by now. 

I told her that I was working to FIRE: Financially Independent, Retire Early. She knows ill pay off the house in 10 years, before I'm 60. I told her that it would give me the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  I also said that for me,  knowing I could do a thing was the same to me as doing it,  like buying a new car paying cash if I wanted to.  She made the comment that my 10 year old car still ran well earlier. For two years she's made comments that I should buy a new car "because you can afford it." Yes. Whatever... .

I was stuck on her comment about us not being together on what we wanted.  I felt like she was observing that my life wasn't good enough and I said so.  We pulled of the freeway.  A red light runner blew through the light. I saw it dining and paused. She didn't and ead surprised and freaked out.  We were 5 mins from her home.  She commented, "I can't believe wet missed that! That was scary! It wasn't to me,  things like that don't phase me.  I didn't validate.  I said, "if he took me out then you wouldn't have to be further bothered by my lack of goals in life." " That isn't what I meant!"

Minutes later,  "you even never wanted to marry me." I said, "you would have done the same thing that you did." She replied, "that's what you do,  go to the negative!" S8 was still awake. I didn't say what I wanted to and we dropped her off and I spent yesterday and into today feeling kind of like  :cursing: about myself.  I had also told her that this (her criticism) is why I didn't want to get married. TMI. I know.

I'm thinking no more outings other than lunches after church for a while,  if ever.

My mother pulled this "you've done nothing worthwhile in your life" crap 7 years ago. Funny that many others in my life habe said the opposite, including those who've been there for my childhood and my work friends (for many years and who know my childhoods struggles) including my boss who's known me since 1992 at another company. Yet my ex, 11 years younger, criticizes me and it affects me. 

Hi Turkish 

Thanks for sharing.

That would draw me. I haven't had non-Anglicized Mexican food for a long time.   

I'd like being out of the loop too in that case.

I know this disbelief well. I'm so relieved to be out. If I got that kind of BPD-shell-game today it would still throw me.

It makes sense here not to listen to those with mental illness symptoms--moreso with those with a dx--I think it's certainly effective to avoid their advice. But in the long term I appreciate what it may be like when you're told by the one group of people of all the great confidence-building things on the left hand, but have to live with the occasional "you're worthless" rant on the right hand. It taxes--definitely.

Hey Turkish, Sorry to hear about your day at that Mexican Wedding.

Concerning criticism from your BPD Ex, I have a saying that you might find helpful: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."

LJ

Man, If I were you I would just make sure that was the last time that I attend any kind of social activity with her outside of immediate family.

Every time you choose to spend focused "family time" with your ex, you end up frustrated.

Pattern, much?

 Definitely a pattern... .mine to change. 

I picked up the kids tonight from her parents' house.  She needed me to watch them on her night.  No problem.  But the parents invited me to my ex's eldest brother's baby's birthday party Saturday.  Put on the spot,  I said I'd come.  I don't have to drive with my ex so I should be safe for a few hours. 

I had on sweats and a blue muscle shirt. She asked me if I went to work out.  No,  it's what I sleep in.  S8 asked why I was wearing a blue shirt.  I told him that's what I had.  She said,  Daddy wore it because blue is mommy's favorite color.  Lol.  She's too much... .