BPDFamily.com

This may be in the wrong section... .

I was married to a diagnosed BPD for 3.5 years, together 6.5 years.

He was amazing for 3 years, then his mother died and the BPD came out. He stopped being affectionate for 3 years. He got into therapy but the affection didn’t change.

We are divorced but I question whether I should have stayed. I reacted badly in arguments, said I wanted divorce when all I wanted was my husband back. He thought it was best we divorce. I fought to stay together but it didn’t work.

I feel like I would have reacted much better in arguments and to his therapy if I was getting something back from him - support etc.

I’m just wondering if you would have stayed in what felt like a one sided marriage? No affection from his side, never there when I needed him etc... .

hi SillyFilly,

how long have you been divorced? do you have any interest in reconciling the relationship now, and do you know if he does?

Given your previous posts in 2017, it sounds like this was a mutual decision where the both of you couldn't come to accord.  Intimacy is a marriage duty, said simply. When that's broken, it's painful.

I don't think either decision- to stay or to leave- is easy nor would either be without some loss. Few people are all good or all bad, and even a difficult relationship would have some good in it. Ultimately, everyone has to make the choice that is best for them and their circumstances- whether there are children involved and other considerations. We each have our limits of what we'd tolerate. So, whether or not I would leave such a relationship could be different from what you would do and it wouldn't help you to know my decision.

I do think that no matter what someone decides, it is important to look at our part in the relationship conflict, our own issues, and our own family patterns. I have read that if someone leaves a relationship without doing this personal work, they are likely to end up in similar  dynamics in a future relationship. Somehow, you and your ex "matched" emotionally. If I were in your position- having already left, my own choice would be to do this work- with a T, look at myself and how I reacted/interacted- and work out the feelings of doubt and regret- before I considered another relationship ( either with the ex or someone else ). What you didn't like was the dysfunction and so working at your part of it will help no matter what the future brings.

Having been married to two BPD husbands, I truly understand how disappointing it is when the person you thought you married disappears, never to be seen again.

BPD is a spectrum disorder. Some people are only mildly disabled, while others are very extreme. I know this from personal experience as my first husband was BPD on steroids and my current husband is only slightly affected, but even that is very challenging at times for me as his partner.

I second what Notwendy said about how important it is do do that personal work so as not to attract a similar partner in the future. I did a lot of therapy after husband #1, but apparently not enough.