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My husband wants a divorce.  He has been clear about this since April.  We have both struggled to let go of each other, and have spent romantic time together... .I always hoping it is the beginning of the reconnect; he shutting down when it comes to talking about WHY we cannot reconnect.

He will text me he misses me, and that he will always love me.  I get sucked it.  I start to hope.  Only to have my scabs scratched off and start bleeding again when he says he is 100% sure he wants this divorce.

I want to believe he loves me and he is just confused.  But he doesn't seem confused.

Please, someone help me understand this.  It is excrutiating. 

Hi Marie1971,

I'm sorry that you're going through this I can understand how difficult going through a divorce is and  getting mixed messages at the same time. I think that it sounds like he doesn't want the commitment with being married but he wants the benefits of being in a r/s - he wants the best of both worlds.

What do you want Marie1971?

I want to heal my marriage, grow and learn to handle conflicts better and more positively.  I want the commitment, without it, the relationship feels very unsafe.

But has felt unsafe for a long while.  He lies, and has looked me in the eye and said, "I don't owe you the truth".  I'm hanging on to an illusion.

"I don't owe you the truth" would be difficult words to hear if I'm interested in repairing the r/s. From what you shared here and you never know things may change it sounds like he's drawn a line and it's really hard when your partner has emotionally checked out.


Are you? What I read when I read that line are your values - it sounds like you both want different things. You're not necessarily hanging on to an illusion he can't give you what you want that doesn't mean that you can't meet someone down the road that shares similar values.

Hey Marie,  Presumably you have reason to believe that your H suffers from BPD.  Is that correct?  If so, how do you think the disorder may affect the way he behaves?  The reason I ask is because there is often a push/pull dynamic in a BPD r/s.  For example, those w/BPD fear abandonment yet will push you away if you get too close.  Maybe your H is exhibiting some of those behaviors in terms of the mixed messages you are receiving?  It's confusing, I know, and I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

LuckyJim

Marie1971,

How are you doing?  Any new developments in your situation?

I hope you are doing well.

Mustbeabetterway

Of course he loves you and misses you, BUT... .

That doesn't mean that he's able to relate to you in a healthy way. Two entirely different things.

I get it, believe me. Everything within me wants to believe mine. I can't trust him at all though. So here we are we.

Marie1971, if you want to do these things, id encourage you to open a post on the Bettering board, and learn the skills/tools there. this board is more about working through the stages of grief, once we are done with the relationship, and as such, most of the advice/support will revolve around that.

regardless, choosing a path and committing to it, along with a strong support system are really critical. you dont have to do this alone, and id encourage you to lean on that support.