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I am coming back to this thread to seek help for a situation I've found myself in.

At first, (as usual) this person seemed amazing. We would spend all of our time together - we go to university together too, so would see each other more often than perhaps we might have done elsewhere.

Recently - well, this week - things have taken a turn for the worst. I didn't respond to a message she had sent me until three hours after she'd sent it, and, when I tried to tell her the reasons for this, she blew up at me and accused me of all sorts of things.

I was a liar, I wasn't to be trusted, etc. This interrogation and accusation phase went on for two days. Any time I would contact her, she was fiercely angry at me. I tried telling her that she was hurting me, emotionally, and she told me that I was "annoying" and reminded her of her aunt(?), in that the aunt tries to make people feel 'emotionally guilty' (which was not what I was doing, I was expressing my feelings to her).

Last night, she apologised to me. Well - she said she was sorry for being a 'bit' hurtful, but that it was because I was 'bombarding' her with messages. I wasn't. I was matching the amount I was being sent by her - it's just that she began to ignore me, so it looked like I was sending messages alone.

This morning, she was back to being blunt. I asked her what the deal was between us. She said she doesn't know, and needs time to think things through. I replied that I understood, but that I cared for her and didn't want us to split (I have no idea why I said this) - no response.

Throughout the entire day, I experience severe anxiety to the point that I did not eat, felt sick,  was shaking, and had to eventually go on a bus ride to nowhere, just to get out of the house. Against my better judgement, I sent her a short message telling her that I was struggling with the uncertainty, and that it was making me worried and anxious, and that I didn't really know what I should do.

I regret sending that, but it's done. She didn't respond, and hasn't responded.

This is the first time she has not responded to me, and I am going out of my mind with what it may mean. I can't see how she will suddenly message me, and I am worried that she won't message me again.

I am aware of the 'splitting', and that it may be likely she won't come back. I feel as if it may be possible she has met someone or is talking to someone else, but I don't know. I try not to think about that.

I am unsure of what to do next. I can't message her again, but, at the same time, I need to know what's going on. I am struggling with the sudden switch from spending all of our time together to nothing.

Hi clvrnn,

What you're describing sounds like a fairly common occurrence in BPD relationships.

My boyfriend once "dumped" me (he came back when he'd calmed down) because he texted "call me" and it was seven minutes before I did so. Just seven minutes was enough to trigger his fear of abandonment.

I don't know if pwBPD have distorted senses of time in general, or if it's just the way that time loses its meaning for everyone when they're in a state of acute panic or pain. Before you replied to her text, your girlfriend was probably struggling with feelings of rejection and abandonment. It only takes a moment for these to multiply to the point where they spill over - during those three hours, she was likely panicking that you didn't want her anymore and those feelings were building and building and triggering emotional memories of every time anyone (in her view) didn't want her, until they just got out of control.

When she found she had been worrying unnecessarily, the feelings of abandonment and rejection slowly started to ease. These can mount up very fast but sometimes take some time to reduce again. People with BPD usually take longer to return to baseline after they've been triggered than nons; often it takes days to happen (though there can also be occasions where it appears to be as instant as a switch being flipped). One problem is that, before those feelings have completely eased, new feelings of embarrassment at having been worried over nothing start up, so they're dealing with a potent cocktail of emotions which are too confusing, painful, and overwhelming for them to be able to handle.

So... .The defences kick in. Sometimes they go on the attack - this is often a subconscious diversion "tactic", so you'll be so busy defending yourself that you won't notice how they over-reacted (I put "tactic" in quote marks, because this is not a conscious plan, just an automatic defense mechanism). Sometimes they withdraw (either because it all feels like too much, or because they don't ever want to feel rejected or abandoned again, so they get in there first). Sometimes they full-on split - when that happens in circumstances like these, it's often the "feelings create facts" scenario - they feel terribly hurt and betrayed, so they decide that this must have happened and turn against you for it.

I know there are cases where the withdrawal or splitting becomes permanent and the non can be cut out of the pwBPD's life in an instant. But these are very few in comparison to how frequently pwBPD withdraw or split and then come back once they've returned to emotional baseline. I've known two pwBPD (my current boyfriend and a former friend) and they have both done this kind of thing frequently and they always came back. I have read countless posts on here from people whose pwBPD has suddenly withdrawn from them, and by far the vast majority of them hear from the pwBPD again (and most pretty quickly). Chances are, your girlfriend will make contact. It's a matter of not getting overwhelmed by anxiety in the meantime.

I know it can be very upsetting and scary when this happens, especially when it seems to be totally out of the blue. If you continue in a relationship with this woman, you are going to need to get used to this happening and find ways to emotionally protect yourself from it. For the sake of your health, you can't let yourself be plunged into that level of panic every time she does something like this, or it will soon take a toll.

I advise people to fill the time with other things, friendships, work, projects, hobbies, self-care treats (like reading favourite books, watching favourite movies, going for walks or a swim or bike ride, taking long baths etc). Try not to spend it wondering what's going on with your pwBPD and attempting to predict when and whether you'll hear from them. I know this is much easier said than done, but it's necessary for the sake of your mental/emotional health, and it does get a lot easier with practice. 

Hi,

Thank you for replying in such great detail.

It makes sense that the non-replying made her feelings escalate to that level. I didn't do it maliciously, and I HAD seen her message, but my battery was just so low and I had wanted to save it to listen to music on the way home. I'm starting to wish I had just replied, because then none of this would have happened.

She then launched into other attacks. The next morning, she messaged me, telling me about a dream she'd had. In the dream, she'd said she had decided she didn't want to continue this and had "stopped speaking" to me - so I"m worried, now. Is she stopping speaking to me to end it? I know it's a dream and everything in it would be distorted or exaggerated, though.

In the dream she also said that I started 'exposing' her and contacting her family to get back at her, and publicising screenshots to expose her (where, I don't know) - I was sent that message at 6am, and I didn't understand what I was meant to do about that. We all have dreams like that, we just get up and carry on.

She also then started telling me that she believes I would make sure the 'entire university knew' if we stopped seeing each other, and that I would make things awkward and uncomfortable for her there. This is a situation that hasn't even happened, and I don't really talk to anyone else at uni, so I don't know where she has got that from.

As for her returning... .I am sure that what you're saying is probably correct and perhaps in time I'll see her return. I just can't see her suddenly messaging me or contacting me. I don't know if I am supposed to wait a few days and try to contact her, or what. She doesn't seem to care that we are not speaking.

Every forum I go on to suggest that she is with someone else, but logically, there would have been no time for her to meet anyone since Monday, and previous to that we spent all of our time together, so if she has met someone I wouldn't know where. I'm also the first person she has been involved with since her ex, which was two years ago. I can't see that she's suddenly dating a whole set of people - it took her a while to even want to get involved with ME.

I live alone and I don't have many distractions and I'm finding this so difficult. I couldn't really sleep, and I haven't really eaten. The uncertainty of this situation is killing me. I feel as if I was wrong to have told her that this was making me anxious/upset, and that it's somehow made her more angry.

I've never really known anything like this, to be honest.

We also usually see each other at uni, three days a week. Now that we have holidays, I have no reason to see her, so communication is totally reliant on messaging and she is not saying anything. I wonder how she can be comfortable with doing this to someone she will have to see for another two years.

Hi Clvrnn,

Give her space now. Either the dream has triggered fears of engulfment or fears of engulfment have triggered the dream, chicken/egg. It takes some getting used to how quickly a pwBPD can go from feeling abandoned to feeling engulfed. If you let her have her space, it will provide her with an opportunity to see that her fears that you'd retaliate in some way if she left don't come true; after a while, she will start to calm down and feel safer again.


No, you weren't wrong. Just, in future, word it differently - stay away from the words "making me" - they can be perceived as accusatory and they can inadvertently add to conditioning that other people are responsible for our feelings (they're not). So instead of "This is making me anxious/upset," stick with a plain "I feel anxious/upset". It's just a tiny matter of phrasing that can make big differences in the response you get (though there are no guarantees that it will make a difference in any particular case, it does have a track-record of receiving better responses than the "making me" phrasing).


It can be especially distressing when it's all new to us. Then we come into it with the experiences and expectations we've had with nons, and find these prove inadequate for navigating a BPD relationship. It's a bit like going exploring armed with a map that is 100+ years out of date, confusing and disorientating.

This will get better in time. Even if your pwBPD continues with the same behaviours, they won't always affect you like they are now. When you've talked more to other people who've been there and get it, and you've researched BPD more, and you've gotten used to the patterns and adjusted your expectations... .It will be a lot easier. (Sounds like a lot to do, I know. It may take time, but you'll get there).

A good starting point is this article on what it takes to be in a relationship with a pwBPD. This might help add a few useful landmarks to the map.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

I feel as if I no longer have a choice, to be honest. The feeling of contacting her and receiving no response is horrible, and I don't want to go through that again right now.

I worry that this is her way of ending things, hoping I 'get the hint' or something. The amount of different possibilities and outcomes running through my mind is exhausting.

Well, I'm not sure who's checking this but she has just contacted me.

She asked if I was still feeling anxious, and said she had messaged just so that I know she hasn't stopped talking to me altogether.

Then we got into a bit of chat about our uni work, so I'm not sure what this means. Just small talk type things but we have always spoken about work tbh.

That's great news, clvrnn! I'm really glad to hear it. Thanks for updating us.


That suggests awareness of and caring for your feeings, which is a really good sign.

Try not to spend too much time analysing the chat and trying to work out what it means, just accept it for what it is and take things one conversation at a time. She reached out and you talked, so things are going in the right direction.

That's what I thought, I thought it was considerate and made me feel as if she had been thinking about how I feel.
Also thank you for helping me out, I really appreciated your input and it made me understand things a little more.

We've messaged a little bit today, and at one point things were misunderstood and she got irritated.

We were discussing uni work, and I said "I'm really struggling" - she thought I meant about the situation/her needing time, and she responded with "I've already told you I need time, what do you want me to dO?" I said, no, I know. I felt intimidated again, so I just backed down, and changed the subject. We then spoke about music for a bit, and whatever. She seemed engaged, but yeah.

I just find this all quite diffcult. Her attitude towards me seems still very frosty and blunt. I asked her if she wanted to meet up in the week, she just said "I'll let you know" - so I just said OK.

I don't know, really

Hi clvrnn,

It's understandable that you're finding it difficult. On the one hand, she's reaching out and talking, on the other, she's being frosty with you - it must be hard to know what to make of it.

I think you're handling it very well. I think you did the right thing not to attempt to explain when she misunderstood what you meant about struggling. And I think it was a good idea to move the conversation to a neutral, light and enjoyable topic (music).

Keep doing what you're doing - keep being there and receptive to her without pushing. She will probably thaw soon.

I think I may have to try and talk to her about how I'm feeling, and where this is at. I feel as if she is no longer interested in me, but I don't know if this is just her pulling back or whether it's actual disinterest. She doesn't initiate contact any more, whereas before she'd message me all the time.

I've asked her whether she wanted to meet up this week, and she just said "I'm not sure" - I'd asked her whether she wanted to visit my friend's cats, which was something she really wanted to do before. The lack of interest in doing that when I asked - I don't know.

It's been two weeks since we've actually seen each other, and I'm beginning to feel a bit... .I don't know, I miss her and this just doesn't feel good, anymore.

She still maintains that she needs "time", but I'm wondering now whether that's just a blanket for something else. I feel as if she's waiting for me to make some sort of decision, as opposed to her making it.

Hi clvrnn,

If you feel this is something you absolutely have to do for your own well-being, then do. But... .I would be wary of going there. Tbh, from everything you've said in this thread, I get the sense that you'd be falling into a bit of a trap if you did this - it kind of sounds like she wants to be able to spin things that you're being pushy. There are a few possible reasons she might do this. She might feel vulnerable about wanting/needing someone, and so want to tell herself that the want/need is all on your side. Or she might want "confirmation" of her engulfment fears. Or she might just get a bit of a kick out of being chased (as many people, with and without BPD, do).

I'm just going by what you've said here though; you know her best.

You say she doesn't make the first contact anymore - how much of a chance have you given her to do this? Maybe stop initiating contact yourself and see what happens then? Like I say, sometimes people (not just pwBPD) like to feel "chased" - that can sometimes just be a fairly ordinary part of the early days stage, where they're enjoying the attention, or it can develop into an unbalanced (and thus a bit unhealthy) pattern. Given that this is already starting to have negative emotional affects on you, I would nip it in the bud now before it becomes a pattern. I suggest doing this without saying something to her about it, but by simply not chasing. If she's interested, she'll reach out herself once she realises that you're not going to chase her.

Well, today it got a bit much for me and I ended up asking what the situation was between us.

She told me that she no longer wants to continue things romantically, but that she wants to be friends and to continue doing all the things we did such as hanging out, even her coming over, but that if I am expecting things from her such as intimacy, we can't.

I'm really upset, and have spent the last few hours feeling terrible. I don't really know what to do. We spent so much time together and I felt that we'd really become close, she was being very blunt and matter-of-fact about things, and just kept repeating that I wouldn't be able to change her mind. There was no talk, on her side, of emotions or anything.

I'll try to be as detailed as I can, without making it too difficult to read.

Myself and this girl began dating around five months ago. We attend university together, and that's where we met. We gradually began hanging out, and then gradually, it moved towards a romantic thing. She would always insist that it was 'casual' and that it wasn't serious, and never going to be a relationship. Initially, before I'd developed feelings, I was OK with this - or convinced myself I was, maybe.

So we began spending pretty much every day together, and then every day outside of uni, too. We discussed pretty much everything and our feelings began to deepen - hers, too. Her behaviour was often inconsistent; when she felt herself getting too close to me she'd often distance herself, and that would cause me a lot of anxiety. Each time she 'came back' though, she came back closer, and it looked to be the case that she was opening herself up to the idea of being with me (or maybe it didn't, I don't know).

She would often maintain things were still casual, but then say things like "I was fighting my feelings for you, but I'm not, anymore" - so I was often left confused by her words/behaviours. She'd stay at my house for three and four days, and it was very intense, very serious-feeling. I met her family, and I felt that I was becoming more included in her life. My feelings deepened and I really fell for her.
In the last two weeks, she's been a bit distant. I just presumed it was the distancing thing again, so I continued talking to her as normal. But it reached a point tonight where I just had to know what was going on, so I asked her. She told me that she no longer wants to continue the romantic side of things, but wants us to be friends as we were before we were intimate. I have taken this very hard, and she just seems to be fine with it.

I spoke to her on the phone, and she is bringing the stuff up about how she always wanted to be casual, wanting to be friends, to hang out at uni together - to even come over - but not dating me, anymore. As we became really close at uni, I don't know how I'm going to handle this. I have spend pretty much the last five months with her, every day, and this is such a shock to me that I'm having panic attacks, and I'm feeling very hurt and upset.

I don't really know what the best way forward is, and I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

TL:DR: Girl I've been dating doesn't want to continue, but wants to go back to being just friends. I don't know how to deal with this, as my feelings for her are quite strong, and I'm going to struggle with seeing her every day at uni

Hi.  I am sorry things have come to this point.  Keep posting and talking to us about what is going on for you.   

I think right now the best thing to focus on is you and taking care of yourself.  She has made it pretty clear that she just wants to be friends and pushing for more a this point is only going to push her further away.  It hurts and it is hard I know because all you want to do is reach out and fix it.

It is too easy to disengage from the world especially while on break from uni so what can you do to keep yourself busy and engaged?

Hey, I understand how sudden and terrible this was feel for you. I do agree it's a good idea to let things cool down. But you never know she may change her mind if you show her you are willing to be friends, maybe let her initate if she wants to, otherwise not engage much (so as long as it doesn't hurt you and you want to do this), and don't ask or push for more. There was a time the person with BPD in my life said he doesn't want to talk anymore, he won't change his mind, and how he doesn't want any relationship, then after space, he thought about dating me again. So that can happen, what you can do is just focus on how you can heal while letting her do her thing and know that as long as you don't push, feelings can change especially for a BPD person and there's hope in that, and the chance is higher if we don't trigger their fear of engulfment and take steps back.

Hi, clvrnn.  I hear how hurt and upset you're feeling and can relate to feeling confused when someone you care about pulls back.  Hugs.  


How do you feel about going back to being just friends?

I don't know how I feel about being friends. I am aware of the complex nature of trying to be friends with someone you care about romantically - and I feel that I'd be hurt often, or that she may even actually flirt with me and use me as a sort of emotional plaything. While I am very tempted to do that to alleviate my pain, I don't think it's a good idea.

I'm highlighting this for you because it's a clear statement that sounds like it's from the heart:


It's normal for breakups to feel painful and it's OK to have a lot of different feelings while you process things (and we are here to listen while you do). Have you thought about what breaking up without being friends will look like logistically?  Do you have a lot of friends and classes in common or are your circles and activities different enough where you won't be crossing paths all the time?  I hear you're at the same school so there will surely be at least some overlap which isn't necessarily a bad thing. 

We are in the exact same class and seminar groups (smaller parts of the class), so I don't see how we'll avoid each other. We have friends that we both speak to, and we only really hung out with each other. So I have no idea what will happen.

I tried to talk to her this morning, I sent her a message asking if we could talk - no reply. She was online, so I knew she'd seen it.

I then sent another message around 10 minutes later, saying that I was unsure why I was being ignored. She replied "you should".

I replied, "I don't know why, no"

She said "you're being unnecessary"

Me "By trying to talk to you?"

Her, "Yep"

I said "why are my feelings not important, here?"

Her, "OK, I'm gonna stop talking to you now, you're making this very intense and I'm not repeating myself over and over again"

I then told her that I wasn't making it anything, that I found her emotionally insensitive and that I have done nothing wrong, and I feel she needs to be more emotionally compassionate, and not to get involved with people if she's just going to throw them away emotionally.

She then told me I was throwing insults at her and said "bye" and blocked me.

I don't know if I should have said those things, but I am so hurt and confused by all of this and the way she was being so blunt with me when I just wanted to talk to her.

She then text me and said I was behaving strangely, and that she doesn't want to interact with me at all if this is how things will be. I asked her to unblock me, and she said "no, you need to reflect on your behaviour"

I feel terrible now and I'm blaming myself

Hi clvrnn,

I'm sorry you're going through this difficult time. What you said here reminds me of my ex BPD friend.

He reactions were very simular to those of your friend. They're a master in cutiing off or giving the silent treatment and you never know for what reason they do that. Usually, they also don't want to talk about this.

If you want to heal and feel better without all the anxiety you might consider to step back quite a bit. We can't change what they do or feel, they're mentally ill. Don't forget one of the important things with BPD, they have learned and trained to blame others for their faults and weird behaviours, that normally does not stop at any point.

If you stay in contact, you will most likely experience the same things over and over again - THAT is very stressful and hurting.

I too was afraid of what would happen next. We were 'friends' with too much emotions on both sides. I seem to have triggered her, I don't have a clue what triggered her. This year after not receiving responses, or late responses I couldn't deal with this r/s anymore. In my last phone call with her she asked to stay in touch. In the following weeks she didn't reply to my text messages. I told her in a letter in February/March the exact day in April when I would be in her city. I exted her to make sure she knows the day I left home. She then replied 48 hours later by text and told me she is in a different city. By that time I was already angry and frustrated. She added in the response I should tell her earlier when I come (which I did twice... .).
That was my deal breaker after many before.

To me, it was important to learn much about myself after this r/s, that I have my own issues of anxiety and attachment from childhood traumas.

I'm in the good position to be 3 hours away from her and it's easy to avoid running into her. Unfortunately you don't have that situation. Otherwise it could be easier to detach.

My final decision was back in April, sending her a last short letter, with no blaming, and changed my phone number. for me that was the only way to get my head free of having to expect her to contact me again, as she did in the past.

I wish you much luck and wise decisions to make.
Remember, BPD won't change, even if in theraphy it will take years if there is any progress at all. Behavior pattern does not change.

A friend from Germany

Is it likely in these situations that they contact you again?

If you hope for that - yes they most likely contact you again.
Waiting for that can be painful.

In my case I didn't want to wait for that to shift my focus away from her.

The reason I mention it is because we have to go back to uni in three weeks. We had both become each other’s main ‘friend’ and would do everything there together. The incident that caused this falling out occurred right as we broke up for the Christmas holidays, which led me to think she did it on purpose as she had no real need for me. So because she doesn’t have any other friends at uni, I wonder if she’ll contact me just before it starts

Oh, geez!  This sounds like it was a frustrating interaction. It is OK to ask the types of questions you've outlined here.  You've done nothing wrong.

Because she is being super-clear that she doesn't want to connect right now it may not be a bad idea to back off and give her that space as confusing and painful as it feels to not have good answers about what's going on.

I'm with MyBPD_friend in thinking that there's a chance she may contact you again, though the waiting won't feel easy.


Given the circumstances, how would you like to act the next time you see her?

i think a lot of us, when we are hurting from a breakup, want our exes to say the right thing that will help us feel better.

this very rarely happens. generally, an ex is in no position to help us heal. trying to achieve that can push them away.

do you think thats whats happening here?

I don't really know how I'd like to act. I hadn't predicted that we would fall out in the three weeks we had apart, although I had a gut feeling that things wouldn't go well/that it would be difficult to maintain anything with her while we were off.

I haven't attempted contact, and I am starting to feel like maybe I should, but I don't know why. I just don't think she really cares about me, anymore. Perhaps I'm just hoping too much.

I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. I'm feeling incredibly more and more sad as the days go past, having not heard from her makes it worse.

The last thing she said to me was that I needed to "reflect" on my behaviour when I'd asked her to unblock me. I don't know if that means she would unblock me or what. I feel terrible about being blocked, as if I've been removed from her life, or something.

I just want to speak to her about all of this. To see if maybe we could be friends. To try and clear this up before uni starts. I don't know. I feel so alone and this stuff is going around in my head. Sometimes I'm able to switch off and do other things, but mostly I can't.

clvrnn,

i think you can be friends, if you can be friends, if that makes sense.

what i mean by that is that i think she is, or was, very open to being friends. she even checked on you to let you know that she hadnt disappeared.

the transition from a relationship to friendship is a difficult one, and an awkward one. it usually requires some space. the person that has ended the relationship is not really in a position to sooth our wounds or help us heal.

i think what shes been communicating is that she doesnt feel like shes been given that space; that pressing to talk about the relationship makes her feel pressured and backed into a corner, and that if it continues, she feels friendship may not be possible.

so, i think if you want to be friends, you may need to let go of having that conversation, at least for a while. if youre not ready to do that, it may be a good idea to continue taking your own time and space to heal.

what do you think?

@onceremoved

Ideally, of course after a relationship there would be space. However, I recognise that these types of people and the way they operate trigger intense anxiety within me - suddenly going from intimate and loving to cold and blunt does not allow me the space to act as I may normally act. The ups and downs within a relationship of this sort makes me overwhelmingly anxious.

I've been deprived of many emotional connections within this relationship. Regardless of whether she provided them to me at the end, throughout she was deeply inconsistent and lacking in emotional compassion. The relationship was centred around her needs, and this was the one time I forced the issue about MINE. I really get your point, but what I'm trying not to do here is blame myself for her behaviour. I think it is reasonable to want a form of closure or reasoning for why this person is 'discarding' us so suddenly. I don't think blocking me everywhere was appropriate, and I think it was disproportionate to the situation.

She may have messaged me to check up on me, but that was almost two days after she ignored a message I'd sent her. Let's not forget that she blew up at me over a message I didn't respond to for three hours, and I was accused of all sorts of things. Because of that. There was a high amount of double standards, and I think I'm not willing to feel apologetic or remorseful over the one time I actually wanted emotional compassion from her.

I hear how painful this feels and can relate to feeling deprived.

It sounds like you're craving closure in the form of absolution.  What if she's unable to grant this to you?

Can you find a way to absolve yourself/stop blaming yourself for her behavior?

I recognise that she is unable to give this to me, now.

I feel so much hurt and confusion and fear and anxiety. Is this just how it is going to be forever, this silence? It is torture.

I don't know how to absolve myself. I believe it is my fault. If I hadn't told her that I thought she was selfish and insensitive, she wouldn't have blocked me. So, it is my fault. I should have just said nothing, and this wouldn't have happened.

I don't think she will ever speak to me again. I am filled with dread over returning to university, I am so anxious I can't stop thinking about it, and am unable to relax and enjoy the actual time away from university.

Oh, clvrnn, I hear how intense this all feels right now.  Short answer, no.  You're in the acute phase of feeling rejected by someone with whom you were in an emotionally intense relationship.  It's not unusual for these types of breakups to trigger deeply held shame.  They can also serve as an invitation to look inward at family patterns that helped make the relationship attractive to you in the first place.  I know it's intense. It will ease with time.  How are you doing today?


What kind of a relationship do you have  if you can't express the truth of how you feel without risking total abandonment?  Healthy relationships are resilient.  You can express how you feel without being perfect and the relationship should be able withstand that even if your feelings are negative ones.


Give this some time.  What are your plans for the next few days?

blame wont help here... .either blaming yourself for her behavior, or blaming her for your behavior. you are both doing some of the latter.

if you want to repair the relationship (in any form) it will require understanding her perspective (right or wrong), an openness to consider your own, some outside perspective, and some ownership in terms of approaching this with a "stop the bleeding" mentality.

do you want to do that?

Thank you for replying, Insom.

Today I am feeling slightly less anxious, although I am still feeling low and lonely. I won't be seeing any family this year, so I am finding the solitude a bit difficult to deal with. I recognise that my family and the dynamics within it have caused these tendencies within me, and that's something I don't know what to do with.

"What kind of a relationship do you have  if you can't express the truth of how you feel without risking total abandonment?  Healthy relationships are resilient.  You can express how you feel without being perfect and the relationship should be able withstand that even if your feelings are negative ones."

I agree. I felt that at the time, she was acting unfairly, so I expressed it. I didn't mean to hurt or offend anyone, but, say with friends or other people when there is a disagreement I can say these things and they're addressed, and we move forward. I didn't feel totally 100% comfortable saying that to her but I did.

My plans for the next few days really are nothing. I will be spending a lot of time on my own and I'm not looking forward to it. I really had wanted to spend time with her, but I recognise that's not going to happen, now.

I spoke to her today, I decided to email her and try and sort the awkwardness out before we returned to uni. She responded quite harshly, told me that I was harassing her and that she didn't want contact anymore. As it's been five or so days since our last contact, I felt that it might have been OK to try and reach out.

Anyway. Because she responded angrily, I took my time in crafting a reply that let her know why I told her I felt she was acting selfish/immature, why I felt as if I'd been discarded, I spoke a little bit about how anxious I had been, and that I feel very disappointed in how she'd treated me at the end.

She became quite condescending, and told me that she'd warned me who she was before we got involved, and that she cannot accept responsibility for hurting me, and that I 'bombarded' her with messages and that she was not sure why I kept contacting her when she'd already told me what she wanted. (I only contacted her during the conversation in which she broke up with me, not any other time).

I then just repeated the stuff I'd said, as well as saying that I think it's not really worth the risk of my mental and emotional health to be trying to fix her, and that all I ever did for her was care about her, help her with things, be there for her, and that I didn't understand why she had turned me into this awful person.

She backed down slightly, and told me that she didn't understand how things had got to this level, and that she is confused over this whole situation.

I told her I wanted to be friends, and that I hated all of this, and that's why I reached out.

She then said that she wasn't sure she wanted to be friends after I'd said hurtful things about her (I hadn't been rude, I'd been honest about the things I'd felt she'd done, and how they'd affected me - in a bid to relay how hurt I had been feeling)

I told her that I didn't think she was a bad person, but that in this situation we both had issues that prevented it from becoming successful, and I apologised for contacting her when she'd broken up with me.

I asked her if she could unblock me so that we could tlak on the phone, and she said she needed time, that she doesn't want to unblock me at the moment, and that we will sort out the uni situation when we need to. She wished me happy holidays and told me she wouldn't be replying again, "for now". I didn't respond to that, and intend to just take some space.

I realise now that I still care about her, and want to be with her, and I don't know what to do.I didn't want things to get to this level at all.

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