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I've noticed that, in early stages of learning, some people get confused about what it means to not walk on eggshells. I thought it might be interesting to start a discussion on what the idea does and doesn't mean to us.

I'd say there's a spectrum.

At one extreme of this spectrum is walking on eggshells: Being afraid to express thoughts, feelings, needs, preferences etc for fear of triggering the pwBPD. Being afraid to lead our own lives, follow our own interests, pursue our own friendships and projects etc for fear of triggering the pwBPD. Sacrificing important personal values for the sake of not triggering the pwBPD.

At the other end of this spectrum is waiting till the eggs go rotten and hurling them in the pwBPD's face: showing no consideration for their needs, no sensitivity towards their feelings, not caring at all about what they think or feel about what we do, taking all decisions unilaterally without any discussion, doing our own thing without any reference to them or conversation with them as though they don't even exist. A "I'll do what I want and to hell with how they react to it!" approach.

In the middle of this spectrum (the healthy medium which we should strive for) is gently cracking those shells at the right time, mixing them with other ingredients, and baking a cake: using SET and DEARMAN, talking things through and empathically listening to their thoughts and validating their feelings, looking at both points of view, giving consideration and weight to their needs without sacrificing ours, making choices together about joint matters, while setting appropriate boundaries around holding on to the things which make us us.

Thoughts?

when i get together with my closest friends, we cut loose and let it fly.

we curse. we often drink beer. we razz each other. we make jokes that might offend other people. we can be loud and immature and obnoxious.

i, of course, dont do any of that when i walk into church on sundays. i dont do much if any of it when i meet someone new, or even in public. i am mindful of my environment, the context of what i described vs less close relationships, etc. i am still authentic; im not hiding or disguising myself.

if im walking on eggshells, to me that means im not being my authentic self out of fear of someones reaction, either founded or misplaced. i can be mindful as well as practical about my environment, the context/closeness of a given relationship, the other persons unique sensitivities, i can compromise, or i can display plain ol everyday good manners, without sacrificing who i am. who i am desires to get along with, and treat others as i would want to be treated.

Bnonymous   :hi:

I think it's avoiding creating dysregulations in the pwBPD. The dysregulations are often painful to the SO, similar to how eggshells hurt us if we step on them. That seems consistent with your description of not triggering the pwBPD.

From the SO's experience, there could be differences.

For example, the pwBPD may have issues that have the dysregulation connection shift frequently (Mary/Tom smiling at you today sets the pwBPD off today, but not for another 2 weeks, but then again on Wednesday)--these are eggshells that move.

Often, an SO may not know something is an eggshell until they're knee-deep in a dysregulation exercise with their SO--these are eggshells that are invisible.

Perhaps the SO is having a bad day (and of course it's been a long day for you too)--these are eggshells that find your soles.

Perhaps an SO isn't yet aware that they're dealing with a pwBPD--it's like going through the eggshell room blindfolded.

Imagine going blindfolded through a room with moving and invisible eggshells, that also find your feet. Truly, enjoy your peace if you've found it.

Not walking on eggshells is being comfortable in my own skin, no matter who I am with or what the situation is. I operate from my core sense of worthiness, grounded in my feelings, aware of how my body feels, and I am calm and comfortable enough to feel that I am doing what is right for me, while treating others with kindness and fairness, to the best of my abilities.

Being myself, giving honest feedback when necessary in an honest way.

I lost myself over the years with my husband. I was so focused on him that I didn't have opinions, and I feared angering him because it nearly always went to divorce threats, etc. I was isolated and didn't do social things with friends. I had a very hard time saying "no."

When I'm with certain friends, now I'm silly and loud. The friends I go out with are mostly recovering from alcoholism, drug issues, and codependency, so we don't hit the bars, needless to say. But we talk loud, tease, and laugh so hard we cry. It's so healing to have friends like that. When we went out for Christmas at a local Italian place, we closed the place down. The owner came out and commented about what fun we were having and how he likes having happy people in his restaurant.

Mine lives many states away, but my approach now is to be polite but to keep up a wall. I've set boundaries for reconciliation that anger him, and those aren't changing. I don't talk about him much with people and have let go of what happened.

Maybe things will change down the road, but probably not. He refuses all counselling and accountability, so here we are.

An example of me walking on eggshells... .

Waiting for paint to be mixed at big box hardware store... .Knowing that partner has been out and around other people for more than his allotted time... he's about ready to blow.

Looking at him intently trying to gauge his ability to wait the 10 minutes required per the lady at the paint counter... .anxiety creeping up in me... Still have 8 minute car ride home... .

A big sigh of relief as we pull in the driveway home.

I know this isn't normal and neither is my reaction.

So to reframe this situation into a #not# walking on eggshells scenario... .

Go to big box store by myself. Chat with paint counter lady, realize that I can't get a few items i want because they are too heavy for me to put in car.

Order them online so they are delivered to my house, then I can break open the bundle and handle piece by piece. Objective complete!  

And honestly, that's life with a BPD. Trying to figure out ways where they are insulated from their triggers.

Lots of work!

It means being able to express myself in a relationship and knowing I am not going to suffer a tirade of insults, accusations and crazy behavior.

It means I have positioned myself in relationships , not just romantic, where I can chose my battles, and if I say something that has push back or negative or unwarranted responses I can remove myself from that relationship or distance myself.

Here is a tiny example of walking on eggshells with a pwBPD. I placed my silverware in the dishwasher with the eating part down into the silverware holder. This unleashed insulting texts, face to face confrontations as to why this was stupid, how stupid can anyone be to do it this way. I finally gave in because it was not worth the problems it caused. It was all about control with the pwBPD.

Life with a non. I place my silverware into the dishwasher how I like, and she says nothing. I notice she places her silverware with the eating part up. I am free to put it in how I like, but I place it in how she does it because I respect her and she respects me. She didn't ask me to do it her way or ridicule my way.

I know that sounded ridiculous, but that really happened.

BF   

Hey Bnonymous, Here's an analogy for you: I could be spending a lovely day at the beach w/my W when a BPD storm cloud would appear out of a clear blue sky, followed by thunder, lightning and heavy rain.  Soon I would be running for cover with a puzzled look on my face, trying to figure out what caused the sudden change in emotional weather, while thunderbolts would be striking all around me.  It was genuinely frightening because it was so unpredictable.

LuckyJim

To piggyback on what Lucky Jim said, at the beginning of the relationship when the BPD storm cloud hit, I was confused, but still my authentic self.  Over time, I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms to ride out the storm or try to keep the storm from happening.  I became a shell of myself.

Walking on eggshells - I changed my behavior to cope - I isolated myself, covered up incidents, kept parts of the relationship secret, became unhealthily anxious, defensive, eventually developed stress related illnesses. 

Not walking on eggshells- Now, one year of living apart later - I can breathe, I can be myself in relationships.  I am really working on the way I relate to others because I developed some dysfunctional habits.  Opening myself to others and being vulnerable is challenging, but I realize it is key to strong relationships, so I am learning. 

Hi all: Happy New Year to everyone! My New Year started somewhat ok but oh boy, was it horrible from the next morning and still continues... .my struggle is w/ my 41yr old uBPDd who took us (both my husband and I) to pieces from this morning! For us, not walking on eggshells means, to live on our own away from the dysregulation and be free to do what we feel like when we feel like, and not second guess ourselves in whatever we do. It looks more and more like an impossible dream to achieve and we are both completely exhausted! The unpredictability is staggering and leaves us depleted of any energy. We feel completely discombobulated and confused.

love4meNOTu   :hi:
I really like your with and without eggshells vignette     I thought it was very good and accurate. Being able to think your own thoughts and not second guess every segue for fear of setting the pwBPD off is a huge blessing. And yes, getting your objectives without worrying that your closest relationship is going to fall apart (and chatting in a carefree way with the counter lady)--I know what that's like.


byfaith   :hi:
I don't think that sounds ridiculous. In fact, me too I feel I really understand this comparison. The not being questioned on differences in living and differences in preferences. I feel I appreciated those kinds of things so much after the relationship with a pwBPD. By the way, I'm generally a non-minder when it comes to up-or-down utensils. The advantage of putting them eating-part-up is that the spray jet is direct on the top end (by the top-mounted hoses), whereas the plastic holder often disrupts the spray (from the bottom-mounted hoses).   

Same for me, Mustbe.  I pretended w/family and friends that things were OK in our marriage when they definitely were not OK.  As a male, I found it hard to admit or explain that I was the victim of abuse.

Not walking on eggshells: after parting ways w/my Ex, I vowed to quit pretending and determined that I would strive to be my authentic self again.  I discovered that I enjoyed boring evenings without the expectation of a confrontation when I got home from work.  I met people who were kind and considerate, who didn't put me down.  I regained a sense of normalcy in my life.

LuckyJim