BPDFamily.com

Hi,

Wondering if any of you share 50/50 custody with a BPD ex?  My ex decided to relocate 30 miles away (she was previously 7 miles away) even though we have a 50/50 custody arrangement.  The divorce agreement stipulates that they remain in their current school district, so no concerns about her trying to change their school (too much responsibility anyway). 

I'm thinking a judge would agree that a 50/50 arrangement isn't feasible when the two households are 30 miles apart.  The kids didn't even know they were moving, as she took them to the new place when she picked them up for the second half of winter break.  To make things easier for the kids, I've always allowed her to drop the kids off here in the mornings so they can ride the bus to school, and then she picks them up here after work on her weeks.  When they are on my possession time, she has no involvement whatsoever. 

I have always cleaned up her decisions where the kids are concerned, but this time she has figuratively and literally "gone too far".  My plan is to be patient and see if she stays out there.  She relocated at the beginning of our divorce, but then moved back to the area 6 months later.  Would like to hear from you if you have a similar story and can tell me how it ended up working out for you.  My expectation is that this will be a disaster... .

Thanks!

Was she previously living outside the school district?  If she was previously living outside the school district, then likely she can't successfully claim "change of circumstances" and seek court decision on getting the schools changed.  But regarding family court, our predictions or expectations aren't locked in.

Is one parent listed as the Primary Parent or the parent who has residential status for school purposes?

Has she sometimes allowed you to have extra time during the week for school days?  Just wondering whether she may default away some of her time.  Keep a log of any dates where you get extra unscheduled time.

My (non-BPD) ex lives about 25 miles away.  We have the more standard 65-35 custody arrangement, but he still manages to get the kids for his scheduled one or two school nights each week.  Like you, I let him drop the kids off at my house in the mornings and pick them up from my house after school.  d13 has an evening sports practice on Fridays, so I agreed to keep her on his Fridays and take her to practice, and he picks her up after.  That way he doesn't get stuck in my town for 2 hours waiting for her practice to start.

We've been doing this for the last 5 years, and it works fairly well.  The kids get irritated sometimes that they have to get up so early when they are with him, but I convinced them to lay down and take a nap when they get here, and that usually helps.  It is sometimes hard for them that they don't have any friends near their dad's house, but he is generally good at allowing them to go to birthday parties, etc on his time (even if sometimes I have to go pick them up for it). 

I am the primary parent, so that alleviates all of the legal concerns for me.

She was living in the school district prior to the move.  We are joint managing conservators in the divorce agreement, so neither of us is listed as the primary parent.  I did have language included in the agreement that says they stay in their current school district.  I'm not really worried about her trying to change their school, as her involvement with school activities is minimal, and I don't anticipate she's looking to become more involved in school activities.  If anything, I believe she is making herself less available, and I'll need to manage even more of the kids' schedule on her time. 

 

My story... .I had a two year separation/divorce.  I was alternate weekend parent during the divorce but we settled on Trial Day for equal time in Shared Parenting.  I held out to be the residential parent for school purposes (my state's description), something both lawyers claimed didn't matter.  I afterward asked the school for permission to keep him enrolled there for the final two months of the school year.  Well, within a month, she caused enough incidents for the school to tell me to give me one day register him in my own school district.  So the lawyers were wrong, having school as my primary really did make a difference!

Another lesson many here had to learn was that being overly fair or too fair can boomerang on us and sabotage our parenting efforts.  Stick to the order unless you're sure a deviation won't come back to haunt you.  A saying I came across here is very apt:  The one behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the one behaving well seldom gets credit.

It sounds like she has found or is finding her preferred level of parenting?  Often a divorce triggers attempts to have a very involved schedule but then over time the parent drifts back to their comfort level for parenting.  If she starts taking less and less time, don't make a big deal about it by triggering her, just document all the deviations from the schedule in a log or calendar, etc.  Once there is a history of reduced parenting over a period of time then you can determine whether or when it is time to get the order adjusted to match the new normal.