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Hi,

I have been given extra responsibilities for a project at work for the first time. I love doing it, and I know I’m not all bad at it. But the roll-out date is  getting nearer, colleagues are getting
nervous, some are turning their wagon and others are giving constructive criticism as to what is still missing.

I am having a difficult time not taking the wagon-turning and the criticism personally, and I am realizing I have some quite unhealthy self-soothing habits: over-eating, staying up extremely late, watching useless Youtube clips and – mostly - nail and finger biting till it bleeds and hurts. I have done this since I was a teeny tiny toddler. It is the first time I realize the nail-biting is actually linked to feelings of stress, being out of balance or feeling personally attacked/criticized.
I want out. I am done with hiding my hands and feeling ashamed. I want to work on not taking issues so personally.
Are there any other nail biters here? Which unhealthy self-soothing habits do you have?
 
Does anyone have suggestions for healthier self-soothing techniques I could teach myself? The type of thing you can do at work, without having to stop what you’re supposed to be doing.
I know going for a walk in the woods helps me tremendously, but I can’t do that after a bad meeting where I felt cornered. I need to be able to lay my inner turmoil to rest before it gets too big and I freeze up and do nothing more than mindlessly surfing or watching Youtube for the remainder of the day. 

Thank you for reading and sharing,

Libra.

Hi Libra,

Boy do I relate to that YouTube clip surfing  Sometimes I find myself watching a bunch of comedy clips and parodies or video game Let's Plays when I'm overstimulated during the day to decompress before bed. And it tends to increase when I feel like I have less flexibility and am beholden to external constraints (such as tight deadlines or a lot of time spent in meetings).

As for things you can do in a work setting - are you able to wear headphones/ear buds (particularly noise-cancelling ones)? If so, I find that some calming music or podcasts (depending on what you listen to, these can help keep things in perspective) can be helpful to build a bit of a buffer around yourself when things get stressful and deadlines loom, particularly if you find yourself absorbing that stress-energy from colleagues. Sometimes I've even just left my earbuds in for a bit of quiet and focus. Walks are great... .even if it's just around the block or down the hall or to another floor (however your workplace is set up). If you're a tea or coffee person, you could treat yourself to a special brew or blend for crunch time, maybe even take a break to grab one after one of those critique meetings (then you get a little walk in too) either on your own or with a colleague for a quick chat and mental break. If not, even taking small sips of water throughout the day is a way to nourish yourself a bit when the pressure is on.

Half of the battle with this for me (and perhaps you've found this too) is convincing yourself that it's OK to need something to ease the tension a bit. When I was younger, I'd beat myself up a bit more about needing things like little breaks and not meeting some ideal of a "work machine" who can just "power through" high stress situations with no form of soothing. Nowadays, I am a lot kinder to myself and think of meeting those needs as part of (essential to, even) doing good work. The fact that you are seeking out healthy options shows that you recognize this need in yourself and are making it a priority in spite of what we sometimes learn about how we should work, and that is encouraging to see. So thank you for bringing this up - look forward to hearing what other folks have to say!

What is your work environment? Office or cube?

If an office, you can shut your door for even just 10 min of rejuvenation and calm. Do you meditate? You can recreate the calm of the outdoor walk with visualization and perhaps some aromatherapy of an outdoorsy smell. It may sound or feel weird, but trust me, it works. I got there finally in dealing with the 40 years of corporate work stress.

Hello Gagrl,

Thank you for the tips!
You are right, music does help... .I have been wearing my headphones almost all day today. Progress was good 

Unfortunately I am in an open workspace with some 30-odd colleagues and lots of at-the-desk Skype meetings going on. 
Not sure how those colleagues might react to aromatherapy, that might cause some adverse reactions and even more stress. 

As for the YouTube surfing: I hadn't looked at it from the angle of being overstimulated yet. Normally I enjoy reading a good book in the evenings. But on evenings like that I just can't. So I end up going to bed far too late and with an unsattisfied feeling of having done nothing useful or even truly relaxing. It is a confort to know I am not the only one to slide of in a semi-vegetative YouTube state sometimes though 

Normally I am also fine with work-related criticism, but somehow this time it got under my skin. I feel like they are trying to shift all responsibility to me so they can stay out of the line of fire if something were to go wrong. And that just feels way too familiar and makes me feel very vulnerable and unable to defend myself. Ugh... .I hate how my childhood is keeping a hold over so many aspects of my life, how it is a huge part of the very fibre of my being. I don't want to be dependant on these pre-programmed reactions and feelings, but I am having a very hard time identifying them, and I don't know how to defy them.

Thank you for you input, looking forward to more tips and tricks for work and colleague related stress!

Libra.

I also find music - and short walks around the block help.

I find good council and talk things through - we children of BPD can over react, worry too much. So good council can stop that.

If you can't find good council, rationalise things yourself. Talk to yourself (maybe not out loud).

At work, planning can take away a lot of stress. It avoids rushing etc... .Even if the plan is just a to do list.

In summary we tend to worry about the unknown, so take away as much unknow as you can (by writing a plan, taking council etc... .). A BPD likes to create grey areas and unknowns, they hate being measured because it stops them playing their games. That's why they don't work for me. Ha!  

Hi HappyC,

Thanks for the reply and tips. I seem to have failed in the self-soothing last week. I spent the weekend with a migraine, half dazed on meds  and not really functional 

This really made me think though:

It helps me understand and start to accept my need for planning and structure. It's a great plus at work, but at home it drives DH nuts sometimes.  He's a go-with-the-flow type... .works purely on intuition. So it goes a long way in explaining why he doesn't get my need for planning, for wanting to know what's ahead, and the hilarious discussions we sometimes have as a result.   

Another piece of the puzzle of why I am as I am explained... .thank you for that!

Libra.

I wear an essential oil necklace. It’s an open locket where you can put pads with your essential of choice in. I wear the oil that matches my mood/ type of day. If I need an energizing oil I use orange, calming- lavender and other oil blends for grounding. I miss it when I don’t wear it. It has been very helpful