BPDFamily.com

Just had traumatic fire w/ B/NPD mother. Couldn't take her constant picking at me. I' going to leave soon. However, its a challenge because there are many people here that I love & want to see. I never know which person I'm going to get. She's been in Witch mode like she was all thru my childhood. Everything my animals & I do is wrong. She doesn't want me here w/ them again. The dogs are my emotional support animals from PTSD from her beating me since I was a baby.  

I'm getting a very good picture of how I get into these relationships & have no idea what is normal or otherwise.

The ex blames me for taking things purposely. Our stuff was intermingled & I didnt pack it all so some things were accidents taken. I've given everything I can find back. Ex just inherited another million plus dollars & has gone to her NPD ego.

Early signs of this were inappropriate temper outbursts when my dad died. Demanding & meanness when I was in much grief. Not keeping an important promise/boundary. Childishness.

I'm trying to take care of myself in the face of this stuff. I wish I
cold see the signs sooner. I got out of this one faster, thats the
good news.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

I'm not understanding how I am to work with this.

Please let me know -

thanx,
Doggilama

Hi.  I am sorry for the struggles that brought you here but glad you found us.


Once removed provided you with a link to a book you can download for free on the Parent, Sibling and In-Law board.  It is called the      Survivor to Thriver Manual : The transformative journey from victim, to survivor, to thriver (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0) that many of us raised by a mentally ill parent have read.  We also use the Survivor's Guide (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0) which covers what the book talks about but in far less detail.

The manual and guide really have three sections that help you focus when working on recovering from childhood abuse.  The first is remembering, then mourning and finally healing with a bunch of steps in between.  The link to the Survivors Guide has a list of popups that you can read.  It is not meant to be a step by step how to but rather a guide and helps you have an idea of where you are and where you might want to focus next.

On the Parent, Sibling and In-Law (PSI) board we all talk about recovery, whether it is remembering the abuse or mourning and healing.  A lot of us realize as we work on recovery how our upbringing affected us and influences not just our behaviors and choices but also the sort of people we are attracted to in personal relationships.  That is also what we work on---> trying to change old patterns of behaviors.

Anyway, I hope that explains how to use the resource you were linked.  I also hope that you spend some time over on PSI.  You might find it helpful on your journey and in terms of how to deal with your mother and navigate a relationship that will allow you to interact with your other family members.

hows it going doggilama? any update?

Thank you - I really appreciate the support. b/nPD mom has
been acting decent since I went off on her for her meanness & negativity. Unlike my ex, I do believe she wants to be better. I might as well look at it from where it originated, maybe I'll stop picking future exes from the same stock.

I feel very alone & uncertain re the future. I'm supposed to be driving from NY to LA, CA to see clients w/ my 2 pups & 2 kitties. I really look fwd to getting out of winter & know all will be well once I get there but wish I had a traveling buddy. It's a long drive. I like driving but it doesn't take away the longness.

My dad's birthday was yesterday & the 3rd anniversary of his death is coming up on the 27th. It's a tough time for me w/ this
break up.

Thanx 4 listening -
Doggilama

it sounds like it. theres a lot of pressure on you.

you mentioned youre feeling alone. do you have friends or other family that you can lean on?

The good news is that now several of my family members are aware of my mom's mean lashing out. She has actually included them in her craziness now. At least, I'm not alone with it like I was as a child.

I'm back home now & went to a supportive group last nite where I was able to vent feelings & get support from people that understand. I go to alanon which is somewhat helpful. Though, my mother's craziness was much scarier than my father's alcoholism, I still feel like it helps.

Hi Doggilama.

I am glad you are back home where there is more peace and an opportunity to relax. 

Several of our members get help and support from alanon meetings so you are not alone.  You can use that in conjunction with us here and other real life supports.   

Have your other family members said anything to you or asked questions about your mom?  Is it a relief that others know?  A source of validation?  Something else?

It is a relief that others know. I wonder some times about doing an intervention. Does that work at all with these types? Interesting, that she acts out at women. I have
not heard of her being mean to her brother or my brother.
She seems to prefer men.

It is hard for me when she is in this devaluing phase. She was like this & worse actually when I was young - verbally mean mean mean & physically abusive as well.

It's very triggering - I get depressed & feel hopeless. She has been mean about my animals. It started with her cat running away from her & now it's like she's mad & devalues them all. Animals have been something that has given me great love & comfort throughout my life as well as nature. I may tell her that her blabbing on about their hair, etc etc and making them somehow bad, is angering & hurtful to me. Sometimes she can hear, sometimes not. Not sure why this sends me into a depression & worthless feeling spiral but it does.

Otherwise, I feel a need to distance myself from her now. I live 500 miles away in another state. However, she counts on me saying a rosary with her. I am not catholic & it started as show of support. Now it's feeling oppressive & I don't know if I'll make things worse. Ugh.

Any thoughts?
thanx,
Doggilama