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My daughter is raging again This morning . She is really angry . My father died right before Christmas and she has been raging off and in since . Today she called my grandsons school and told them I am not able to pick him up . This is always her threat but she has yet to follow through I’m always afraid she will and this time she may . They lived with us until he was 5 then moved 2 hours away and since we have had him every Friday until Monday before school all vacations and all summer . He’s with us more than her .   I am just heartsick and worried for him

What happened, what is she raging about this morning?

~ OH

She feels we aren’t compassionate about her stresses. After my father dies ( December 20) my daughter called me and raged and said lots of mean things to me as she does. My mother called my other daughter to speak to her because she felt bad for me the. That daughter called the raging daughter to ask her about it . Just a big mess ! Daughter #1 consumes me and is emotionally abusive . She was upset about grandpa dying more about how it would affect he life and what I can do for her as she needs me too not only grandma . It is hard to type it al

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father, Mamaw, and that your DD is making his death all about what she has lost.

From what you've written, do you think your DD may be feeling ganged up on? Here's an article on Triangulation that may be helpful:

Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0)

We have lots of communication tips here, tools and workshops. It will be helpful to know what led up to this morning's rage. Can you describe what happened this morning? What she said, what you said? I presume this conversation took place via telephone or text?

I understand how all-consuming communicating with a pwBPD can be, and I do understand being heartsick and worried about your GS. We can work on this together, you are not alone.

~ OH


~ OH

Hi Mamaw2

These BPD kids sure know when to act up don’t they? Sounds like fear of abandonment maybe? She’s worried that you will give more of your time to your mother than her now that your dad has passed away, please accept my condolences.

You certainly have a lot on your plate right now, we can support you and help you get through it 

Regarding your grandson, do you normally pick him up from school?

FB x

Hi there mamaw2

I'm so sorry for the recent loss of your father   It's a difficult time, BPD or not. My father passed in 2015, my DD's Poppa. Within weeks DD was in crisis, ER and was dx BPD, shock. My DD is a quiet person with BPD, no raging, she internalises. I think our loss brought everything she'd been personally struggling with to a head. It was a very difficult time (hanging on by my fingertips ) and it took me come a year to realise I needed space and a safe place to grieve loss of my father and feel his love again, felt so good. Yep, bereavement counselling, I was able to leave BPD out of the room, conversation and embrace my feelings for my father that I'd put on hold, due to DD's crisis. In hindsight I wish I'd reached out for bereavement support earlier as it validated my feelings and gave me strength and focus to help my DD. I shared my peace with her and it gave her some comfort, relief and understanding at a time she needed it most. I hope my personal share helps you and parents here.

I'm glad you are here with us, as you see you are not alone.

WDx

Thanks for all of the replies ! I do believe my daughter is worried about abandonment with me spending more time with my mother . I’m just not feeling very sympathetic to her right now . Yes I do pick up my grandson every Friday and keep him all weekend . We also have him every time he has a break at school and all summer . Soon after I posted this my daughter called back and told me my grandson was upset and to come get him . I picked him up today and now she is perfectly fine sis Sickenly sweet and all. That’s hard to take after the emotional assault . I know you all can relate

It's hard to muster sympathy when we're under attack, especially when dealing with grief over the loss of a loved one. It used to baffle me when DD was an adolescent and could come to me asking favors, after having chewed me out an hour before! I now see that she was able to let it blow over because lashing out at me took her pain away.

I hope you're enjoying your weekend with your GS

~ OH

Thanks for your reply ! Yes we have been having a good weekend ! He has gotten up both nights in the middle of the night and gotten into bed with us . He tends to do this when she has had a stressful week . I know he’s looking for comfort

I think you are showing grace under pressure mamaw2 - so sorry for the loss of your Dad - it is tough when our BPD family members try to make the difficulties and tragedies of others in the family all about them! I hope you find time and space to grieve as you need to.

I also share your frustration at getting the sickly sweet lovey dovey treatment shortly after being on the receiving end of a load of abuse. It seems for pwBPD there really is no insight as to how their outbursts affect others! In my calmer moments I can laugh about it though. Glad you had a good weekend with the youngster.