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I become numb and don't care because of the crazy. Do others experience this?

There is no logic and the all in all out is intense and I believe it every time.

I absolutely experience it. There have been many times when H is dysregulating that I've gone into a sort of state where I'm just detached -- observing as if from outside, not really caring or feeling what's going on while still aware of what's happening. Maybe it's some self-defense mechanism kicking in.

When you say "I believe it every time" what do you mean, exactly?

I believe the threats that she spits at me every time. She will uninvite me to things and if I show up she will get mad. On the other hand if I don't go she will blow my phone up.

She does this with breakups too. I assume she is gone then she comes back and expects me to talk and forgive her.

Ah, yes, the can't-win situation. Very familiar to me. One way to handle those is to just not play the game. Take her at her word. When she says don't come, don't go. It's kind of similar (in my mind) to dealing with children. If you play the game, you're reinforcing the behavior.

When she breaks up with you, do you want to talk to her and forgive her?

Yeah, I think you are right. I should take her at her word.

I did not at first but very quickly she was diagnosed as a BP and I had more understanding for it. When she is not split she tells me she will never leave but I don't believe her in the moment of a breakup. I am a very vocal person so I wont hide it I would do what any guy would do. Call his friends and hang out more. Then they are mad at her because this keeps happening.

As you can see I am very confused.

It is extremely confusing. They'll say one thing one minute and something else the next. The baffling thing is, they absolutely mean what they're saying in the moment. Their feelings are the same as facts. It's a matter of seeing and understanding that they're existing in a different reality.

For me, detaching from H when he's dysregulating has helped me to not get caught up in the emotional whirlwind. I'm able to look at what he's saying logically and to see "Hmm. This is an 'episode.'" Of course, in our case, that can trigger him further since he's said his goal is to get me worked up and upset too, but I know for a fact that's not going to be healthy or helpful (in our case, it's a domestic violence situation so heightened emotion all around could be dangerous). So, I stay calm and firm, yet empathetic.

Wow! exactly.

When I don't get mad and play along she feels like I don't love her. Sometimes I start to play along just so she knows that she is loved.

The way it's been explained to me before is that trying to fill a pwBPD's "love cup" is like trying to fill (and keep full) a bucket with a big hole in the bottom. It can't be done. And you'll just wear yourself out trying.

Then what do you do?

Still trying to figure that one out, really. But people here with far more wisdom and experience than I have may have a good answer.

Or maybe the answer is we can't.

Leaves us with two options.
1) Love them and except it.
2) leave

True.

There are tools to use to make things better over time, but people have to decide for themselves if it's worth it to them. It's not like BPD will just go away. It can improve -- and it can get worse.

Actually, that's true of any relationship. No relationship is perfect and there will be problems/stress/heartache. BPD just makes it all heightened.