BPDFamily.com

My mother's sister passed away suddenly. She was an uBPD and had a difficult relationship with our family. My uBPD mother and uNPD brother have reacted very strongly to this news. I have received many texts and calls from them.

My uNPD brother in his late 20s is insisting that if I cared about my mother I would immediately fly across the country to support her. If I don't do this I am a bad daughter. Within 24 hours of the news he booked a flight, but he will also be visiting his girlfriend. He has used cruel and judgemental language with me.

My uBPD mother has said that she also wants me to come spend time with her and the family. She however seems giddy with excitement and elated about the idea of a family reunion. A funeral service has not yet been scheduled.

Neither my brother or mother has mentioned any sad feelings about my aunt's death. Their only concern seems to be that I am obligated to be there for my mother and family. My aunt's family has not invited any of us to come visit or mourn with them and we have been estranged from them for years. I also did not have a close relationship with my aunt.

I do not feel comfortable visiting with my mother and brother without my husband since I know that it will be very emotionally difficult for me to be alone with them. I feel like they just want to control and manipulate me. Do you have any advice? I feel like they are taking advantage of a sad situation to try and force me to spend time with them.

"When you have info on the funeral and service arrangements, please let me know."

I don't see any reason why you should fly out there without your husband if you don't want to. I agree with the first response. (My husband and I got pretty good at setting what we call "discreet boundaries". These are when we don't say "I won't do that" but we use distraction, make empathetic statements, ask questions and in the process set the boundary - ie. don't go). Good luck!

I am so sorry you feel you are being manipulated by your family to spend time with them when they seem to really not even be emotionally affected by your aunt's death and have not had a relationship with your aunt's family for many years. This sounds like typical behavior from family members with BPD and/or NPD. All of sudden out of the blue, they come up with some demands that make little sense, yet insist that this is somehow about showing that you care for your family. How would this be different if you compared what is happening now to some of the upsetting scenes with your family members in the past? What I have noticed with my family members with BPD and NPD is their behaviors and demands have become more absurd because as I have set better boundaries with them, the little things upset me less, so to get my attention they have to act worse than they ever have. The shock of the acceleration in their cruel behaviors, usually gets me upset for awhile, and then I cool down, while knowing there will a new cycle of absurd behaviors and demands at some point. What feels right for you? Will explaining to your family members that you have decided not to come/or actually going to visit them make things better in any way, and if so how? Keep us posted on how you are doing. There are many people in this group who are in similar situations to yours with their family members with BPD and NPD. We are here to listen and support you, in any way we can.

Very nice.  BIFF-like,  provides no targets as well as no promises.