BPDFamily.com

I've done most of my posting on the Bettering board, talking about my relationship with my husband. The more I've experienced and learned, though, the more I've looked at my relationship with my sister.

I have four sisters. The one closest in age to me (I'm the oldest) developed anorexia as a teen. It was a nightmare for all of us. She raged on a daily basis -- threw things, cussed out my parents, flew off the handle at the tiniest annoyance. And besides my parents, I was her main target. It wasn't always rage. Often it was more insidious -- making cutting remarks, talking to me like I was an idiot, criticizing me for everything I said or did. If I reacted, she acted innocent or chided me for overreacting.

I was very shy (still am) and only had one really close friend and while he was a source of support, I didn't have the usual teen outlets for getting away. I did spend a lot of time with my grandparents. When I was home, which was most of the time, I just tried to stay invisible. One thing I remember clearly: During that time, I started playing the piano again. No lessons like I'd had years before, just finding songs I liked and teaching myself. It was relaxing and therapeutic for me. One day, the books I played out of disappeared. I couldn't find them anywhere. Luckily, I knew most of the songs from memory by that point, so I just kept playing. Eventually, they reappeared. Several years later, my sister admitted she hid the books. But she told it like it was a funny story. I didn't think it was so funny.

My parents were finally able to find a good program that worked for her and therapy combined with meds like Zoloft helped turn her around. She recovered for the most part. But since her getting better coincided with my going to college, I never really experienced her improvement. It was harder for me to adjust to the change. I still felt like I needed to walk on eggshells around her.

She's married with four kids (whom I adore). Our relationship has improved but we've never been close again. When we're together for short spans of time, things are fine. But when it's longer, like a family vacation, she gets very short-tempered with me and starts acting like she did as a teen -- and I do, too. Basically, I just try to stay away from her.

At one point, I told three of my sisters what was going on with my marriage. My sisters were very upset, especially when I decided to try to make the marriage work. I regret telling them, now, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do and they already knew something was up. Two were concerned about me. This sister lashed out at me, blaming me for "ruining the family" and going on and on about how it affects her and her children and husband. For instance, she has a big birthday coming up and now she no longer wants a family get-together, which is my fault.

I know from her and from others closer to her that she deals with a lot of anxiety, to the point that sometimes her older two kids (S13 and D11) have to step in and handle things. She's had troubles with her husband over her spending habits.

Anyway, I know better than to diagnose her. I don't live with her anymore. I don't know what she's like most of the time. But looking back at our teen years and the things I do know now, I just wonder if she could have some form of PD as well. Does any of this sound familiar to those with siblings with BPD?

It sounds like she has much anxiety about her own marriage and feels like you are both being honest and doing something that they disagree with, both things which might trigger some things which they might feel deep down which they lack. 

Or, do you think that they are generally worried for you?

The "ruining the family" comment seems self serving and doesn't sound supportive.  It feels fearful (of her).

Hi Ozzie101,

The behaviour you describe fits BPD. For example hiding you piano books, because you enjoyed it, and seeing this as a joke (in adulthood). The screaming and rage is BPD or it could be depression.

Eating disorders are often co-morbid, because both tend to arise if you have overbearing or overcontoling environments. Might mean being bullied at school, might mean parents with a PD.  The two people I know well with eating disorders are both very shy and have other compulsive behaviour. That said, no one on here can diagnose. But keep telling us about your sisters behaviour and it will eventually become apparent.

All a diagnosis is, is identifying behavioural patters so we know how best to approach or help someone of this type. In your case, it sounds like you were unfairly treated, and as such a diagnosis of BPD would explain that. I know it helped me a lot to understand all this is not personal, not you.  Why is an understanding of why she behaved the way she did  helpful for you ? 

I think two of my sisters are genuinely worried for me. They're, by their own admission, seeing all this as a Lifetime movie in the making -- thinking my H is a raging sociopath who's going to snap and hurt me. They don't have the full story. I understand their concern and, as my therapist recommends, I'm giving them some time to, hopefully, cool off about everything and eventually be more open.

The sister in question, I don't know. I talked to each sister individually when I found out that they were really upset. This sister made the whole thing about her. She was obviously emotional.

She also lashed out about my stepson, said I'd been "pushing him" on them (I sent texts sharing his achievements every now and then, like my sisters do with their kids) and that he's "not nice" and she doesn't want him around her daughters. My SS is 8. He has a tendency to get obnoxious when he's over-stimulated (I don't think that's unusual for little boys) and he's pretty spoiled and entitled and immature in some ways. We have seen some troubling behavior with his mother (he's very disrespectful towards her at times -- she's the one who does all the spoiling and enabling). But we're working on those things. He also has a lot of really good qualities. I've never seen any problems in his interactions with my nieces and none of my sisters has ever said anything about him and his behavior. I didn't fight back at her comments -- knowing she was upset and anything I said could cause things to explode -- but I was surprised, hurt and confused.

HappyChappy, I guess the diagnosis is not important. It never has been, really. But it usually does help me to have some kind of understanding for why people do things. It makes it easier for me to process.

In this case, I was just curious. I've always just thought, "She had an eating disorder. That explains it." Now that I know more about PD, I just kind of wonder if there was/is something more going on and wanted a little feedback.

I guess it's just wanting to understand why she seems to have such negative feelings towards me, then and now. Maybe I wasn't the best big sister. I really don't remember. I recall we got along well as kids. We fought, but no more than is usual in siblings less than 2 years apart. And I know there was some jealousy involved but, again, that's pretty normal. Our parents were and are great so no issues there. But I know she always hated school (straight-A student but it was the social aspect). Maybe something was going on there. I don't know.

A mutual friend thinks she just doesn't want me to be settled, successful and happy. For a long time, my sister was the child with the golden life: four healthy, model-beautiful kids, successful husband, nice houses. I was single, lonely, low-paying (though rewarding) job. Now, I have a successful husband and a (step)child. We take extensive vacations. I've gotten into cooking and baking. We have a lot of friends and host dinner parties. I have a much happier life. This mutual friend thinks she got used to being "top dog" and doesn't like the new reality. Who knows.

I think knowing there's something else going on -- that it's not just a matter of my doing things wrong -- would make it all easier to brush off.

Everything with my husband last year just brought all this back to the forefront. The way he acted and treated me was very similar to how she did. My therapist thinks a lot of her attitude now is transference -- she's seeing too much of herself in him.