BPDFamily.com

Hi. This is my first post. I just finished reading "Walking on Eggshells" and it mentioned this website and I thought I would check it out.

No one in my life understands BPD. When I mentioned it to a therapist I was told that psychiatrists don't go by personality disorders. So when I talk about certain problems I'm having with my (undiagnosed)BPD mother, my therapist just uses suggestions that one would use for a "normal" person. She doesn't understand that those "normal" fixes don't work.

My niece has recently been diagnosed with BPD and when I asked my sister what it was she says she doesn't know and she isn't interested in learning about it. I was curious and I started reading about it. I'm not close with my niece, but when I started reading about BPD it's like they were talking about my mother and I felt like a veil was taken over my eyes and so many things started to make sense about my mother's radical behaviors.

So I read Walking on Eggshells and I feel that I need more help in dealing with this. Thanks for reading, I just thought I'd share a bit. Now I'm going to read some posts.
 

Hi and welcome.  We do get it here so I'm glad you posted and reached out for help.

What sort of behavior does your mom exhibit?  How do you see them as having affected you both as a kid and an adult?

I hope you do settle in and read and jump into other posts.  We do come together to support and help each other so you are in a good place.

Hi Lamia,

*welcome*

Id like to join Harri and welcome you to the family. It must if felt lonely not having having people understand what you’re telling them. I just wanted to say that you’re not alone. People here get it.

As you already it helps a lot to read about BPD there’s s reason why your mom acts the way that she does. You said that she’s not diagnosed only a professional can do that but what you can look at are BPD traits. I’d like to echo Harri Can you share some of your experiences with us?

I am sorry your therapist does not understand about BPD. Unfortunately most therapists do not get any real training about BPD or how to treat it. There are therapists who specialize in treating family members who have a close relative with BPD or treating the person with BPD.

My T didn't like to diagnose labels, but he was helpful nonetheless.  If your T isn't helpful,  it would be good to find a new one. 

A diagnosis: real, arm-chair, or by proxy, is what brought all of us here.  It provides answers and validation.  The real work involves learning to deal with the behaviours.  We can't fix or treat those in our lives with BPD or NPD traits,  we can only deal with what they do.  So I'm maybe in 10% agreement with your T, and a lot more with mine,  though not completely. 

As a support group,  we will be an empathetic sounding board,  and we also can point you to tips on how to deal with this,  live and in the suggested reading at the top of the board. 

What do you think?

Hi Lamia:
I'd like to join the others in welcoming you.  I'm sorry you are having difficulty with your mom.  I can understand how frustrating that must be for you.

If you go to the green band toward the top of the page and check out the "Tools" menu, you will find links to helpful strategies and communication tools. 

There is no magic strategy just for people with BPD traits.  What your therapist likely coached you on, and the strategies and communication skills within this website, are skills that increase your emotional intelligence. They are good skills that can be used with anyone in every day life (work, school, church, neighbors, etc.). 

Emotional intelligence is something that people with BPD traits lack. If others interact with them in a similarly dysfunctional manner, things escalate. When you set and enforce personal boundaries, and use emotionally intelligent skills and strategies, you can make things better for yourself.

You can't change your mom.  All you can do is manage the way you interact and react to her.  Your boundaries are up to you to set and enforce (they are things that you control).  Your mom won't likely like or easily honor your boundaries. 

You don't need a label of BPD for your mom.  Focus on specific unwanted behaviors and how to manage that.  Don't expect immediate results when using certain communication skills.  In some cases, things get worse, before it gets better. 

What are some of the BPD behaviors your mom exhibits?