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I Knew I would be back, all the heart break and soul searching, and unadulterated misery and I WENT BACK TO HIM. Today I went and read through my posts from day 1 when I found this place, can’t quite believe I took myself back to it all again. I failed, miserably on all counts of detachment. Last week after having my “ I don’t care about you, are you f*ling stupid, I told you before I don’t care about you, I don’t give a sh*t, screamed into my face, I knew the end had come, again. It dragged on a few more days, the nastiness, selfishness, anger, I don’t no why. Today I have cried, all day, have tried to talk to him even though i knew it would be my fault. Sure enough,  apparently i’m a psycho, weird, mad, brought it all in myself etc. I told him he had no respect for me, my home, my feelings, he just carried on and cooked his dinner, in my house. I asked him why he was still here, he just said moving back over to his place was a faff, he couldn’t be bothered. I have told him to leave tomorrow, I have no strength left to fight anymore today. I am so sad, I just can’t get through to him. It’s worse  now, we rescued a tiny kitten on holiday, brought her home and loved her, he’s taking her with him. Next week I start a new job, a very difficult one, away from home Monday to Friday, I will miss my home and my other old cat so much. I feel like my world has come crashing down around me, I am so lonely and sad and frightened again.

Hi Sadly.  I am glad you came back here and reached out to us for support. 

Well, many many people go back for a second, third or even more time.  You are not alone in this and I do not see it as a failure so much as an opportunity to do things differently, however that may look to you. 

Will he be living with you or has he said he will move out?   Other than here, what sort of support system do you have?

Hi Harri, thank you, will try and look at it that way, when the emotional dust settles.
Well it’s an odd one as far as living together goes. His house is just over the road to mine so we tended to move back and forth every few months and share each other’s homes. It worked, sharing lives but keeping our own safe place to run, I don’t think either of us wanted to give that up. My cat and his new kitten where happy with it too. I have been asking him to leave and he says he will but hasn’t done yet. Maybe tonight. He said some terrible things and I kept asking, if he hates me so much why not go but he doesn’t really give me an answer. It’s all heartbreaking. We have been so looking forward to our two week holiday to Greece in May, our lives are so intertwined in so many aspects. I don’t feel well and haven’t been able to eat since Saturday morning, I know that’s not good. I am at work now and have a tough week ahead but struggle to concentrate. Have been here so many times before, the pain doesn’t lessen, it’s just not the almighty shock it used to be. I need to let go.

Hi Sadly,

I’m sorry that you’re go through a difficult time and that he’s not giving you a break before you start a new job. Plus he should have left if he were thinking about how his presence affects you right now.

If he’s not out today and you both cohabitate at each other’s house can you stay with family or friends tonight?

Hey Sadly,

Let me join Mutt and say I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  As Harri notes, many of us, including me, have been through one or more recycles.  Don't beat yourself up!  Suggest you focus on yourself and do what is right for you.  Employ Boundaries (see Tools, above) as necessary.

A BPD r/s often brings old wounds back to the surface.  Have you considered addressing those wounds with a T?  If not, it might be worth exploring.

LuckyJim

Thanks guys. As I was driving home from work tonight I got a text to ask where I was, I stayed an hour later because I just couldn’t face the thought of any more nastiness and hurt. He said he had moved home but could he come back over  for kittens litter tray. She used to run purring to greet me when I came in, ridiculous but I cried that she was gone. When I looked around I could see that she is all he had taken. His clothes and bathroom stuff was still there, he came bouncing in like nothing was wrong and  started telling me a funny story about her. Couldn’t believe it, how cruel, I’m sitting holding the old hat she likes to sleep on crying my eyes out and he’s telling me it’s my fault I didn’t get to say goodbye as I was late home. He said we need time away from each other but I got the impression he thinks it’s just temporary. Do you know, I don’t have the mental strength at present to deal with it right now. I am so glad to be on my own again in my own house, it’s so peaceful. I miss the kitten but have my lovely old cat for company, she is curled up on the bed with me, so comforting, so so peaceful. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I will feel stronger. Thank you all for being here x

Sadly, I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. It's good that you have your home to yourself for now. You need that space. I know you're sad over what he's putting you through and over missing your kitten. I'm sure it's very difficult for you.
Is there a plan in place for him to get his things removed from your home? If not, there needs to be. I know you don't feel very strong right now, but do you have friends or family who can come and be with you to negotiate removing his things from the house? Or maybe set a time for him to do it, and have someone there to support you if it's a time when you will be home? What do you think?  How do you feel about his statement that you just need some time away from each other?

Hi Windofchange, thank you. No, his things are still here and nothing has been said. He texts me once a day to ask how my cat and myself are doing and tells me news of the kitten. He seems to have decided this is a temporary break that we both need whilst clearly still laying all the blame at my door but is in the process of forgiving me. This belief he has is genuine, so very difficult to comprehend. Still knowing his illness for everything it is I still struggle to get my head around it sometimes. I am peaceful here alone right now and I believe he is peaceful too, I am his primary trigger so it must be nice for him to have his mind calmed. I honestly don’t know what I want to do right now except have some more of this peace,  to not be walking on eggshells or feeling an inadequate failure. I like being me again.

Sadly, you didn’t fail. You were in love and followed your heart. As Harri said, many of us invited them back many times. It’s all part of the process. Just like the random dog comment. You know, your compassion shows. Another man will appreciate that in time.

What do you think is important for you at this point in time?

 Not being greeted by your cat sounds painful. What was her name? What colors did she wear?
What did her purr sound like? Describe her to us.

I’m most likely being forward. I’m good at that. I am curious about my questions. I hope that you’ll share.

Hi WindofChange and JNChell, I think I have answered in my other post “I cried for him and still do” , have sort of got mixed up, in more ways than one. Been here so many time in the last 4 years.
Our little kitten is pure white with a pink nose and she wears a purple bandana collar, her name is Spirit, she is very naughty and I love her and miss her.
I have my lovely gentle old cat with me though, she always senses my sadness and shadows me everywhere giving me kisses, patting my face with her paws and sitting on my lap all the time. She’s a darling. Well there I go waffling on and getting no nearer to any answers   Tired and sad and floaty is how I feel. Thank you for caring, when I am not being so self obsessed I will be back to care for you too x