Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: isilme on March 31, 2019, 11:47:29 PM

Title: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on March 31, 2019, 11:47:29 PM
I’m just lost, tired.  Had another blow up.  I messed up, JADEed, realized too late, too far in, rainy wet day, in the middle to too many chores to simply leave to get away. 

He says I a, deliberately provoking him, and when I mess up and don’t perfectly state something it’s of course a dig to hurt him ’becaise all women are like that’

Bought him a simple torch to use on an art project about a month back , he’d mentioned needing one.  It matched ones shown in multiple videos about the process, it was 10 buck, felt it was an ok gamble.  He mentioned yesterday we should have gotten fuel,for it, I thought we had some found it, gave it to him and it seemed to work.  A few hours later he’s cursing at me for buying him a,piece of crap without consulting him or his permission, that I was stupid and wasted his ok met, etc.  asked what the heck I was thinking, to,d him I thought he wanted a simple torch like that ( he is terrified of flammable stuff) not a huge industrial propane torch, and he wet round,and rebound on how I was a bitch for defending my purchase of a broken item, how I think I’m so smart, so perfect, so wonderful but I’m not and needs to knock me down a peg.

I didn’t manage well.  I’ve been very ill, it’s been building for over a year now, and I really had other things to devote my energy to today.  Never made it to the store, this sucked up so much time. 

He raged.  He took everything I said as telling him he’s stupid and using it wrong.  I confirmed it wasn’t working and mentioned the FAQs I just sprang an hour reading, saying you can’t fill it and then use it, it needs to sit a while before activating or you get bubbles in the feed which have to sit to clear. 

He got enraged, ended up shoving  me.  Disassociating, then moss him self so sick with anger he’s close to passing out.

Lately he has been saying he wants to kill people, hurt people who have wronged him.  He was trying to tell me how he knows he’s a terrible person, went on forever before bed about it, I posted about it. 

I’m feeling numb and tired.  I will cry in the morning,  it seriously I lost someone on my work team now it’s just me, I don’t have time for this. 

Please don’t focus on the shoving.  It bad, I am not condoning it, but the whole outburst and my being trapped is what I need to speak about.  I can’t see how any reaction... or lack, would have staged this off, he was looking since Friday for a fight.  He yelled at me about his mom, he is mad at her because Easter is coming and we usually go visit.  I a, frankly too sick this year for such nonesens, and I think he’s mad I can’t pick up all the slack like usual.  He made at the weather for not being perfect so he could exercise, never mind we can exercise inside.  It’s the same old same old.  A 10 torch is breaking us, but 100 for an event he wants to go attend where he drops 500 easy is t an issue.  I know he feels bad.  I know he’s in pain.  Guess what? So am I.  And I do everything.

I think he’s also mad I a, working to make friends with some ladies in their 40s and up, mostly 60s, in a knitting group of all thing. Oh no... I’m gonna go use up all this yarn his grand,a left me, for homeless donations of hats.  Such an abandonment issue, right?  I go maybe once a week when I can get a ride.  I know, he’s freaking because we are supposed to be joined like The Thing. 

Silent treatment now, might last till Tuesday.  Wonderful. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 01, 2019, 12:21:56 AM
Clicked on wrong thread, sorry.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 01, 2019, 03:36:35 AM
I think you’re right Isilme, he was looking for a fight so it was only a matter of time. Not your bad. I appreciate this must be very frustrating for you. My mom use to clam once she got someone else riled up.  Now you’ve lanced the boil will he be OK for a while ? Can you wean him onto any other type of stress management, or self soothing ? Enjoy that silent treatment.
Speaking as a man, he is being unreasonable, you were lighting up his life and as the saying goes, you don’t look a gift torch in the mouth, or something like that. Wishing you peace.  

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 01, 2019, 09:05:45 AM

I am just so tired.  The initial response I have, which is my disassociative wall that springs up to try to keep me from freaking out usually crumbles on the morning.  So I am looking at a flood of tears coming that I suppressed during the height of it all.

Every damn thing is a source of invalidation and when he can't immediately point to one he invents them.  The rather constant stream of negative statements and barns are wearing me down quite a bit.  I am feeling poorly, lung issues have cropped up since Christmas, and I've been trying to be seen about them and a constant daily fever since then.  Lots of antibiotics did nothing, xrays and CT show nothing about my current issues, blood tests don't make sense, my GP thinks I have typhoid fever even though my symptoms don't match. I apparently have antibodies against it, but I have antibodies against other things showing up on my tests I've not had for 20 years.  For all I know I thought I had a sinus infection years ago and it was actually typhoid and they just managed to get me the right antibiotics for it.  I am set up finally for a few specialist trips, which I will be taking alone since he simply can't handle his own illnesses let alone help me.  I get no help.  No family - posts on this board are about being NC with them.  Friends also work the same hours I do, and I need to burn time off to go see the MDs during a 100 mile round trip out fo town - we live in the middle of no where pretty much - tiny rural Texas towns, lots of ranchland between.  Hoping I can get my car going so I can take it and not inconvenience him leading to a new argument.   

He's mad I am sick.  He's mad I am so tired.  He sees his own diabetes and kidney stones as instant karma for him, and so I guess he applies that to me, too - if I just wasn't such a lazy slob I'd not be sick. 

Silent treatment continues.  He stayed in this morning, meaning I won't get a buffer of our friends come lunch time.  When we're both at work we usually eat with friends, today will be a sad silent sandwich day.  All I want is a nap.  To be alone.  I really really want him to go away for like a week, and to be able to spend that week asleep, or at least in peace, no negative comments all day every day, complaining about the weather as if it's someone's fault, about every damn thing in the world.  That is so horrible.  When he starts going off on how he's going to die in a few years, he just knows it, I'm kinda like, meh, ok, I don't want you to but it's your choice and I'm really really tired.  I have no emotions at this time, I am just so overwhelmed with feeling tired. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 01, 2019, 09:41:34 AM
Sounds like you need and deserve a bit of compassion right now, illness it difficult. To be around some positive energy or just alone time. Could you  book into a hotel (maybe with a spar) or stay with friends ? You may have too many triggers around you. Do you remember that lovely feeling of going on holiday, somewhere with no triggers and interesting things to take your mind off stuff. Could you do that ? 

Around here we have buddhist and Hindu temples that allow anyone to walk around. A peaceful and safe place to fall asleep, a bit like a library.  The other option is next time hubby falls asleep, put a stamp on his arse and mail him to the North Poll. Could you encourage him to go away for a week ?

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 01, 2019, 10:13:30 AM
No, no way to get out, one working car equal no way to get to a hotel and have us both able to get to work - we carpool and parking tags are $200 bucks, so we only have one.  The expense of a hotel is also not something I want. 

This would just be the cause of a new argument, it's not something I can do - I don't know how others manage this, to me it looks like breaking up and getting back together and it'd so atypical it just won't help me.  I have nowhere to send him - again, one car, he needs to get to work.  He's not the kind to go stay with family, and his is 1.5 hours away so that would mean using his vacation time and he's not got much, he's out sick so often. 

We don't go separate places, I don't have family to visit, at all, friends to visit - either they are here and I see them now and then for dinner, or they live 10+ hours away or have small children and I'd just be interrupting them. 

With diminished lung capacity, walking any distance to seek peace is kinda rough on me at the moment, limiting my choices for getting away.  And the only time I'd be able to get any kind of nap would be during the hours in which I work, which might increase now that my area is shorthanded and I can't get immediate permission to get a new hire.  I went to the store last week to try to walk about some, and it was grueling, needed to lean on the cart to just keep going. 

I am tired, I don't have much freedom to do a lot about it.  I don't have the health to deal with this stress.  I considered staying in this morning but it's my one time of the week to see my boss and see about getting that permission for a new hire, plus H stayed in this morning and I wanted time away so I came to work.  But I am expected to be productive so it's not like I can turn off the lights and get some sleep - people walk in and out all day with questions and calls.  Besides, I need that sick leave for 3 MD appoints plus some labwork I will need to be out for in the following weeks.

I'm sorry, I know you're offering some upbeat help, I am not trying to shoot it down for the sake of it. It's just, I already thought of any way I can try to get out for a bit or get some rest - there isn' any that won't cause a bigger fight. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: Way out on April 08, 2019, 05:44:12 AM
Are you sure he's BPD not npd? They are more
Likely to want to hurt people.

Also, no...no matter what...the shoving is a red line. Please draw a red line.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 08, 2019, 12:58:59 PM
Hey Isilme

Hows it going ? Sounds like you’re not happy and therefore something needs to change. But what ?

I managed to keep away from home during my childhood, because NPD BPD duo would sap you of any positive energy, even back then I realised it would destroy me if I didn't get a postive energy top up, or just quiet time. I didn’t have you health problems but I still needed time alone or with friends.  I would find a quiet corner of the library and just put my head on the table resting on my arms. No one ever told me to leave, I even dozed off a few times. It doesn’t need to be a library, sometimes I went to religious buildings. Again people leave you alone and its quiet. Also they tend to be more positive than your average person. Sounds like being around positive people would help. Maybe join some clubs ? Wishing you the best.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 12, 2019, 04:57:09 PM

Thanks again for the positive ideas, they just are not things that work for a 42 year old woman who works 40+ hours a week and barely has the energy to do my necessary errands, and keep up with my house chores, let alone leave my house to attempt to nap in a library, even if one was open past the time I get out of work - the public library is not, and at the campus one H and I know all the employees and hardly want them seeing me need to hide from home to sleep.  I am fighting some form of chronic fatigue, physically unable to go do more than I already am. In college, I could have gotten away with this.  In high school, I'd make up reasons to go to Walmart and read greeting cards rather than be home.  I recently joined a knitting club, but it takes me a 90-mile round trip to get there and back and it's on a  work night.  I enjoy it and another lady offers to drive, but it's still exhausting.  And while I am going to keep going, it causes some stress for him for me to be gone - triggers that BPD abandonment.  So I think that is part of his freaking out right now. 

He's picked a fight today, insists I picked it, will likely goad me all weekend about it.  Yay. 

I want an organic way to get some time alone to rest that won't cause a fight (me going to spend money to stay in a hotel will certainly cause a fight), they just don't exist, and I am not strong enough to choose a boundary battle right now. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 13, 2019, 11:40:09 AM
Hi  Isilme,

You are a wise Owl that has helped many on here, but I note we find it easier to see a solution for others than for ourselves on here. When I was as worn down as you sound right now, unable to defend boundaries, unable to fight, flight was the only way. E.g. a break from whatever is stressing you. I did not get better until I did that, my Therapist told me I wouldn’t. But we were brought up to put our BPD before us and not think what we ourselves need. So I know I need telling that. Could that be at play here ?

You acknowledge in your own post that organic measures are unlikely to work. I doubt a BPD worth their salt would let them work, unless you’re talking weed or alcohol or a trip to the Drs. Have you spoken to the Drs recently ? As a point of interest fatigue is often linked to long periods of sustained stress.

If you took the car and switched your phone off for a week, your husband can’t argue with you if you’re not there. If you do a bit of S.E.T. before you leave and explain its because he can’t keep certain boundaries so he leaves you no choise, maybe when you return and hes had time to think, he may respect those boundaries. Well at least for a few days. Or maybe he will pick up arguing where he left off, but a BPD will argue no matter what, pick holes no matter what. You might as well be hung for sheep rather than a lamb.  Just playing devils advocate, but  your only other way is to completely submit to your hubby, walk on egg shells, but then what ? Would him being quiet for a day be enough ?

Isilme, if I knew you who you were and you were in the UK I’d offer you my spare room, you seem like a good egg. Meaning I'm sure you will know people that may well give you respite in this difficult time, even though our BPD encourage us to never ask for help, sounds like you deserve some help right now. I know I've been saved by the kindness of strangers. Feel free to PM me , but from what you’ve said if you do nothing he’ll wear you down until you completely break down.  Happy to problem solve with you if that helps. Just though the Queen has 124 empty bedrooms, you should call up and say you're Meghans best mate.   

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 15, 2019, 09:52:36 AM
By organic, I meant things that won't be sudden departures from our normal day.  Me running off to hide in a hotel for a weekend is not normal.  Not literally organic, as in a method for growing plants.  Sorry, bad metaphor.

There is no way in hell he will respect any boundaries by me running away to a hotel.  I will come home and find my stuff in the yard, destroyed, sold, burned if I do that.  He knows that will hurt me badly, as my father kicked me out at 19, and I've lost many irreplaceable items though having to move a lot as an Army brat, as well as my parents' poor life choices getting them evicted and having to move suddenly leaving behind all that would not fit in the various donated vehicles they were able to acquire.  This is a button he tries to push, and so I balk and refuse to leave when he tries to demand it.  I won't be able to get back in, and he does it at times when I am in like a nightie, not exactly able to get the things I need to actually go anywhere.  I literally have no one to ask for a place to sleep.  No family.  nada.  Friends either don't have spare rooms (houses here are tiny and /or they have kids/parents living in said spare rooms) or I am allergic to their homes, or both.  The best I can think of would be that I sleep on the floor in my office, behind the desk where no one should see me.  And hope the custodian doesn't try to come in.  But they turn off the heat/ac in these buildings after hours.  This is mostly being dead tired while sitting at my desk, at work, wondering if I could get away with a nap. 

No, I am not going to be run out of my home.  yes, it's in his name, but I've done all the work on it, from keeping it clean and the yard upkeep, to being the one who is there when people come to repair or install things, to learning to do some things myself. 

He's railing again.  It's been a bad 36 hours.  I believe some of the instability right now is that he has a couple of MD appointments, these always make him feel he's going to get a bad "grade" or something.  He's too embarrassed to ask them the things he needs to ask, he fears being seen negatively and so won't communicate the levels of pain he is in, and all in all, each checkup seems to be proceeded by this.  I also have my own appointment tomorrow and over the next two weeks.  Since I am not supposed to be ill, he's at a conundrum.  He can't tell me if he's going with me or not.  I honestly don't want him to come.  He gets mad if I stand too soon after any procedures, grumbles, and moans, and thinks I need to demand to be made well.  As if that's how it works. 

A horrible thing his mom said:  "He's just worried you won't be there to take care of him."

I like his mom overall but can easily see how she helped make him what he is.  All her kids, in fact.  So I was both horrified she'd even say this,  but sadly know part of it is true. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 16, 2019, 01:51:23 AM
Hi Isilme,

 C<||| "He's just worried you won't be there to take care of him.".

Sounds familiar. Would he look after you if you were iller than he ? If not, that's not equality. Would it be an idea to start a friendship with someone outside the home, like at the knitting club ?

The last time I was very ill, my friend sorted me out and I was back on my feet within 6 months. This time, almost 4 years I was limping along, predominantly because my partner of 20 years has no empathy. So she doesn’t help out, she just invalidates “You don’t look ill.” encourages me not to look after my own health, but to help her. Hence why I will now always keep my friendships warm, despite her attempts to discourage that.

Every time I’ve phoned the Samaritains I’m in awe that these strangers extend more love than my mother, brother and partner all did put together, just because they all lacked empathy.

Still Isilme, you’re a wise old owl who’s weathered lots. Maybe the organic way is to slowly begin a friendship, if your hubby will allow that ? Have you been to the Drs lately ? Because that might be a quick win, if there's medication. Failing that, fall asleep on their couch. Or maybe a Therapist (they have couches). Wishing you peace. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 16, 2019, 09:47:32 AM
Knitting club takes place an hour away.  I am getting to know the lady who drives me and my friend who introduced me to it, but an hour away is not close enough for a 1AM call that I might need a place to crash.  Texas is very spread out.  And yeah, that seems to be a cusp of his anger right now, that I have a place to go and am trying to make friends.  The next three weeks, today included, I have MD appointments on the day they meet, and can't guarantee I'd be ready in time to catch my ride, so I won't be able to go for 3 weeks as it is. 
It's taken me since January to set up these appointments due to the MD shortage around here, my annual exam is today, but in this tiny town they mostly look at the bloodwork and see if something is alarming.  I am sure everyone claims to be tired, and since there are no smoking guns in my bloodwork (I was able to look at it online, it posted yesterday) I feel a lot of what I bring up is disregarded.  I could go to sleep on my desk right now and likely sleep for hours, and still wake up tired.  I could go to bed and sleep for hours and still wake up tired.  I do.  Every day. 

I have a few friends.  They have nowhere for me to stay if needed.  Nowhere.  No room.  Additionally, even if they let me use a couch, they have pets and I will get very sick at their homes.  Please understand - there are MANY factors that mean no place to go.  Even if my shame at needing to ask for a place were not a big issue, and I know it is, there is no place in this tiny town to go, and the nearest is an hour drive.

Medication - he's upset I take as much as I already do.  I think he harbors a lot of the same nonsense my BPD dad used to, sadly.  dad would tell me I was a waste of time and money to take to  MD, and that I was just a weak person seeking attention for going (my BPD mother was on the cups of Munchausen's). 

H told me late Sunday night that taking the 3 RX meds (antihistamine, anti-leukotriene med, sinus spray) was overmedicated and that my body would just adjust if off medications long enough.  I know this is not true.  I was off medications until last year, this time, was off any medications during the whole 4.5 years in my dad's care because he didn't want the expense - I was sick all the time.  Allergies don't work that way, and it's not like I've not tried to just tough it out.  He counts my birth control to regulate hormones as an issue, and frankly, he is mostly upset about my weight and blaming the medications and me for being lazy. He sees me as sick because I am fat, not fat because I am sick. 

He basically sums up all medical issues to someone is fat and doesn't work out enough and so "deserves it" (he applies this to his own diabetes even though he knows people much larger who don't have it), or karma made them sick because they are bad people.  He has an aversion to taking medications, and when I need allergy medications, it makes him think of his mother who refuses to exercise and is very unhealthy and relies en total on her pills to "fix" her.  So since he can't yell at his (suspected BPD) mother, he yells at me.  I eat a salad - he yells at me that lettuce won't make me skinny, I need to go work out.  The balance between caloric intake versus calories burned doesn't mean much to him, and the evidence that what we eat (or don't) affects our bodies much more than walking a few extra miles a day, he's "right". 

Overall, he is subdued today, still a powder keg, he is ill with a cold I think, I can't tell if I am - I feel like I have a cold every day, and I'm off my allergy meds to prepare for a test next week, so I'm pretty miserable as it is.  No sense of smell, body is super itchy - I want to flay myself at night it itches so badly, eyes itchy, throat scratchy, raspy, so if I got a cold on top of it, I'd not know.  Will see what the doc says, today.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 16, 2019, 09:49:46 AM
To explain my tiredness, and how it's not something a quick escape now and then can fix:


Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: I Am Redeemed on April 16, 2019, 10:32:51 AM
That's a good illustration, isilme. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I hope that they can get to the bottom of this for you so you can get some effective treatment.

My older sister was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and was treated for it for years ineffectively. Turns out she actually had contracted Lyme disease some twenty plus years previously, and it went undiagnosed for so long. She still has it and still struggles with the chronic fatigue and headaches, but it is more manageable since she got a proper diagnosis.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 17, 2019, 02:39:08 AM
Hey Isilme,

That is a good illustration. Isilme it must be so tough for you, well done on weathering it all. I picked up glandular fever when young which drains you big time. It recurred and there was a time I was told it would be for life, but thankfully diminishing returns set in with the reoccurance. But also I took up Yoga which was very re-invigorating for me. We children of BPD are not good at relaxing or looking after ourselves, apparently. Hopefully you will get some respite soon too. Good luck with the Drs.

A BPD isolates us, and you sound super isolated currently. Your hubby should be driving you to the knitting club, not discouraging it. He should be encouraging you to do things that cheer you up. I’m guessing you know this, but it always helped me to have points like this reinforces, probably because a BPD is continually reinforcing their fake news messages. But the result being I never go to the Drs when I should, or look after myself as well as others.

I notice the lion share of your posts are about what your hubby thinks, he seems to have supplied you with loads of reasons not to leave him alone, and not to tend to your own needs as often as you should.  Having a go at eating lettuce, wow, that takes real skill to make that a negative thing. We get stuck in a rut, and BPD are the kings of keeping us in the rut.

First time I fell ill (with CPTSD) my friends sorted me out, I was back at work 6 months latter. This time, I was with my partner of several decades who has no empathy. She did what your hubby did and invalidated my illness “You don’t look ill” simply because she wanted me to do more chores make more money for her. It was 4 years, yes 4 years, before I noticed I was getting better. She relocated us far from my  friends and came up with reason why no one should ever come around. I now know I must have close friends with empathy around. Your knitting club sound good. btw our gran taught us boys to knit, goodness knows why as we lived in a very manly home town, I'm told Texas is quit manly. .

Ismil good luck at the Drs, you’re a good egg and I’m sure there’s some positive Karma coming your way. For example, if Trump builds his wall, Texas is close so you could earn extra money selling people ladders. Also a wall that long, Texas is going to get loads more  ATMs. Hey wouldn’t’ Mexico be a cheap respite ? When you return with a deep tan, you could just speak Spanish to your husband, that would confuse him. When he’s telling you that lettice will kill you, you could be “No speaky the English.”  . I found talking nonsense always stopped my  BPD in her tracks. "Mum if I unscrew my belly button will my bum fall off ?"    

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: GaGrl on April 17, 2019, 08:25:29 AM
Isilme, you might want to look up "idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis." My cousin was diagnosed with this, but it took years for her local doctors to get there. It is characterized by fatigue as well as breathing issues.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 17, 2019, 02:54:53 PM

Border towns in Mexico are actually quite dangerous - Many people in my area live near enough to it to want the wall.  I've seen too much of an increase in crime, drugs, and shootings locally to ignore the origins - rampant overrun by 2-legged coyotes.  My in law's live about an hour or so from the border.  Thier neighborhood sued to be pretty quiet.  Now there are at least two drug dealers on their block, and shootings happen.  It's not even safe to go to South Padre Island in Texas anymore, due to the vicinity of the border and the practice of kidnapping Americans for ransom, and beheading them when payment isn't made.  We even have a school near me where kids from Mexico are legally sent to avoid being ransom objects themselves, and the teachers are very careful about saying anything about their students.  No, Mexico is not a respite.  If you can afford to fly in, and only go to a safe, guarded resort like Cancun, sure.  I can't.  People I know used to love shopping over the border on weekends, visiting family - they don't go anymore, it's bad.  I know no one sees it because it's not reported, but it's bad.  I'm 2.5 hours north of the border, we have border patrol helicopters hovering over my house, as the ground guys are trying to catch people in my neighborhood as they try to hide under pier and beam homes.  A coworker's friend was carjacked after coming home to a home invasion - she was early getting back from church.  She got lucky - they only tied her to a chair and stole her car and phone. 

Anyway - I think my point is that I am too darn tired to buck H's demands right now.  I'm tired.  Setting a boundary about insisting going to my club and coming home to more sleepless nights?  No.  I can't do it.  I just want to come home from work, have a peaceful evening and get some sleep.  I need physical strength to hold my emotional strength up.  I just don't have it.  My only recourse is coming here, to type. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 17, 2019, 03:03:46 PM

Would this show on an Xray or CT?  I've had 2 Xrays and 1 CT, which supposedly were "normal" save the one 5mm nodule in the lower right lung. 

My GP yesterday said she thinks I am just recovering from typhoid fever, and that it's taking me a long time.  I'm not sure, I hate to waste the time and money, but the 2nd opinion doc wanted me to go see an allergist, and the GP wanted me to see a pulmonologist.  Being as close to Mexico as we are, we do not have a lot of medical professionals choose to stay, so it has taken me since January/February to get these two appointments now at the end of April, at a time when my office dept. is short-handed and I've got a load to do, now I need to be out more, using up all the vacation I'd been saving.   

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: Harri on April 17, 2019, 03:35:44 PM
Anyway - I think my point is that I am too darn tired to buck H's demands right now.  I'm tired.  Setting a boundary about insisting going to my club and coming home to more sleepless nights?  No.  I can't do it.  I just want to come home from work, have a peaceful evening and get some sleep.  I need physical strength to hold my emotional strength up.  I just don't have it.  My only recourse is coming here, to type.
Hi.  It is hard when we get so tired and feel too sick to really take action.  I struggle with this sometimes too, usually when my depression rears its ugly head.  

I hope they can find out what is going on and you can get some help that works.   

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: GaGrl on April 17, 2019, 06:48:53 PM
I think the fibrosis is a kind of scarring in the lung. Some types of scarring is from smoking, some from asbestos, etc. The idiopathic fibrosis means the source of the fibrosis can't be determined. I don't know if something on the interior of the lung shows up on X-rays and scans.  The unexplained fatigue just sounded so much like my cousin's situation, and she chased a diagnosis for years.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 18, 2019, 10:28:54 AM

It's just perplexing.  My imaging shows nothing that should be causing this.  My bloodwork is actually pretty good - 13 points over on LDL cholesterol is the worst I had show up, other than needing to lose 40-60lbs, but the GP told me to not worry about the weight until I could simply function better.

She said I have great bloodwork for someone who feels so poorly. 

Never smoked.  Never lived in a house with smokers.  In my mid 20s, I did spend many a Friday night at a bar with lots of smoke, and I worked in an old newspaper building that made me come home smelling like the chemicals used for fixing the metal plates for printing.  I am not sure if either of those would cause anything, and the x-rays/CT don't show scarring.  Just that small dot I need to monitor to be sure it's not malignant. 

Had respiratory issues since infancy, about a case of pneumonia every 5 years or so, lots of sinus infections, bronchitis.  Usually, I can bounce back.  Now, it feels like this just never really goes away, and I want to do nothing more than crawl into bed and sleep.  I get up for work just as tired as when I went to bed.  I can go to bed for 4 hours or 12, I'm still tired when it's time to get up.  I have sleeping issues already, sleep maintenance insomnia, and I think I am unraveling when it got really bad, and why my sleep patterns are the way they are.  I often can't stay asleep all night.  Sleep maintenance insomnia means I fall asleep, lightly, and wake up often and easily - a dog barks next door, the train goes through town, my cat finds her toy and decides to play, the AC comes on... 

For me to get to REM I need to be really, really out.  It usually only happens on Saturday or Sunday mornings, when the lifelong stress of not being late for school/work since I was about 5 years old isn't present. I can give myself permission to sleep a bit better once the sun is up.  I sleep best from about 6am to noon and from about 3pm-6pm.  I actually dream.   

I was lambasted as a child and teen for being lazy, and so have a hard time sitting in bed even when I might need to.  My BPD father and wife #3, my stepmother, told me I was terrible for wanting to sleep past 7 or 8am on weekends.  They had nothing for me to do, unless it was cooking or cleaning or childcare for her grandkids (there is a little truth to Cinderella, and I was raised to believe I had no right to a home, I had to earn my keep, especially after age 15) but they wanted me up and out of bed, staring at the TV with them.  H seems to feel "abandoned" if I am asleep when he is awake.  I realize a lot of my function for him is as a "wubby".  A security blanket.  So, once he's awake, in the past he simply got moody if I wanted to sleep more, and now, with his diabetes and poor health himself, I know he needs to eat.  If he does not eat, his mood will get even worse, like really really bad.  Most of his major blow-ups seem now to coincide with things making his sugar off, high or low.  Fevers and chronic neuropathy pain make them high, late meals make them low - either can cause a worse than normal rage.  He no longer seems to have any will to often cook for us - he used to be the breakfast person most weekends, that has stopped.  So, I get up and have improved my cooking to make better eggs anyway.

Also, in the last months of my parents' marriage, 14-15 years old, they were increasingly violent at night.  Many fights took place at night all my life, and yes, they were at times pretty violent, with at least one suicide threat/attempt by dad when I was 8-10 years old, and I had to talk him out of slashing his wrists in the locked bathroom.  Mom was encouraging him to just do it. I thought it was my job to stop the fights.  Mom then ODed when I was 14, and he came home from his night job, found her knocked out much worse than usual, and woke me to do the rescue breathing I'd just learned in health class, so I kept her airway open while we waited for the ambulance.

Anyway, by 14 years old, he was fixated on murder-suicide.  Mom's OD incident coincided with us being evicted at Christmas, and things just went down from there.  We moved to another state to live with her family thank to the charity of a church group who got us the Uhaul, and things were just a mess there.  The fights often resulted in dad grabbing a kitchen knife and talking about how he'd kill us all, and then kill himself.  Then, after more shouting, he's storm out of the apartment with knife in hand, and I never knew if he'd come back.  I felt I had to stay awake for two reasons - if I was lazy and slept, my "daddy" would die and it would be my fault.  I know this makes no sense, but it was a very confusing, scary time.  I also feared he'd come home and stab me and mom in our sleep, so I had to stay awake to protect us, because a tired 15-year-old girl is going to do just fine against enraged/insane ex-Army Ranger.  Usually, he'd be back and quieted down by about dawn or a bit before, and it seemed "safe" to sleep.  This realization of my times for being safe to sleep finally clicked just this year.  I wasn't safe sleeping until dawn.  25 years and I am still messed up so much by that 6 months of their dying marriage.

So, I'm more tired than normal, and normal for me is little sleep as it is.  I can't figure out why I feel winded, nothing so far shows a physical issue.  I mean, bringing in a few loads of groceries into the house should not make me need to sit before putting them away.  I am not 80.  I am likely depressed right now, too, probably making the general fatigue even worse. 

We are both planning to tell his parents we're not coming to visit this weekend for Easter, we missed his mom's birthday in February due to me being quite ill, and they took it okay, but we know they were upset.  I want to go for Mother's day and his dad's birthday in May, they are close together, but Easter is usually a lot of work that falls onto us, the siblings don't do much other than maybe, maybe show up.  This is us trying for self-care, I know it will be taken badly by the parents, but I don't know what we can do.  I am too tired to carry the load I usually carry, and he's been too tired for about 2 years already.  The sister wants an egg hunt for her kids, let her clean the parents' yard and set up the pinanta. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 18, 2019, 12:18:37 PM

even for this forum you had to take on more stress than most, more than any child is built to take.  Here’s an article outlining how trauma can lead to fatigue, not saying that's a diagnosis but maybe something to consider. CPTSD is second only to eating disorders (being overweight counts) as an inevitable illness from a BPD upbringing. The ODed and kill you all stories, wow, that would give just about anyone with empathy trauma. Have you ever bottomed those out through therapy or talking them out on here ?


Be good to yourself. Priorities your self care, you deserve it.  

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 18, 2019, 02:41:24 PM

Not sure what bottomed out means?  Sorry. 

I kinda have a mistrust of face to face therapy.  My dad grew up in this town, and some people still know him.  When he dragged me down here after we finally left mom (Father's Day 1992, after a particularly frightening, violent morning getting ready for church, we ended driving from Tennessee to Texas in one shot, 18 hours, and ended up his parents' steps, people I'd seen only 1-2 other times in my life - they didn't approve of children from second marriages) he stuck me in some form of counseling.  But... his appointment was always after mine.  I had learned to not trust school counselors as a kid, was worried CPS would take me, and so that mistrust plus knowing the counselor would probably be able to tell him anything she thought was important if I actually shared, well it killed any feelings I could be open.  So I talked about TV shows.  And cats. 

So no, in this tiny town I never felt I could be very open with most people.  I am open with my friends a bit, the things I can share without scaring them.  Yeah, I know things like this scare people.  So I come here to talk.  I am still finding things that "click" now or suddenly make more sense.  Or, that my emotions which have been repressed are finally attaching to the events I can remember with clarity.  I usually just remember them as if they are a movie, happening to someone else.

I am pretty sure I have a form of PTSD, I know it explains my fear of sudden loud noises, raised voices, crowds, and even disappointing authority figures.  I just feel a bit like at 42, all my coping is leaving me.  Just like I can no longer function well with 2 hours sleep and push harder to avoid being lazy, I can't simply push forward in all things anymore.  And it's making me feel like I am failing at things.  Is it age?  Doing it for just so long?  Is my body breaking down from all of this finally catching up?

And now it looks like we might not get off staying home after all - his FOG is kicking in about visiting his parents (I'm NC forever with mine, no FOO to speak of), and I always tell him that it's his choice as they are his parents and I support him.  He may have a decent solution to some of the problems, and be able to turn it into a visit with friends near the parents for a bit.  Can't go into the parental issues - I posted a bit near Thanksgiving, nothing has improved.  Hoarding is the least of it.  And honestly, I am a bit angry at them at times for making H partly what he is, for their contributions to his dysfunction.  I can see it in them. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: babyoctopus on April 18, 2019, 11:30:40 PM
Hi there,

40 is not too old or too late. Can you imagine this life another 10, 20, 30 years? Like this?
Do you realize you're abused? Maybe your body is reacting to the stress of that.

I was in a similar situation for 23 years. I planned my escape about 7 years, then did it. Scary, hard but in the end, worth it. Let me know if I can answer any questions for you about how I got away. Whatever you decide to do, make sure you take care of yourself first.


Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 19, 2019, 05:02:57 AM
Hey Isilme

C<||| Violently getting ready for church. I shouldn’t laugh, because I had something similar. And then when you get to church, they flip and look all angelic, making sure they’re seen talking to the right people. .

Bottomed out means to get to the bottom of something, i.e. to conclude it, resolve it.There are loads of low cost on-line therapist currently, I used 7-cups. Pretty good value I thought.

Maybe Skip would know this, but anecdotally 40’s seem to be the most popular age for people to initially hit these pages. I have read, that our ability to deal with stress diminishes with age, and hence our ability to deal with CPTSD also diminishes. It catches us all up Isilme at some point. We can’t hide for ever, maybe its your body’s way of saying its time to resolve things (bottom it). Our body parks odd unexplained things in our memories, when latter in life we  see an explanation for those odd things , we start processing. That processing can be very draining. That’s why those memories were sat dormant for so long, waiting for the explanation. It just how our neural network memories work, new information requires the whole network to rebalance. But the BPD theory must affect so many beliefs that its quit a kick for our neural network to adjust too. Neural networks have been transferred onto computers to give us Artificial intelligence systems that learn.

With me, when my NPD/BPD combo started triangulating my son and then hitting him – bang I was triggered. Maybe with you, it began when you discovered BPD ? But now its out of the box, the theory states shoving it back in won’t resolve it (Freud established that point). You need to talk it out, grieve and the rest and then peace will follow. Hopefully you may feel more energised. I say that simply because you seem to have explored all the physical possibilities behind fatigue – so that just leaves the mental dimension. "Better out than in" , which was my flatulent BPD only joke (and she stole that joke). Happy Easter. Maybe now is a good time for you to rise from the dead ? You can get free trials sometimes with the online therapy places. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: isilme on April 19, 2019, 09:30:32 AM
Thanks for the explanation.  I am not fully up on the current lingo from across the pond.

I learned about BPD about 12 years ago, found this site.  It explained much about my rage at my parents I finally allowed myself to admit, as well as the relationship issues I was facing and face today, and I guess I feel safe here, I keep coming back. 

I've looked into the online therapy here and there.  And have a few other places I feel somewhat comfortable posting about things or asking for feedback.  I guess it's hard to explain.  It feels... dirty?  wrong?  I've been so ingrained in the taboo against talking too much about it, or about it without this bravado, this "meh" attitude of "it is what it is, it's over I need to move on" I don't know I can face looking into the void to ahve it stare back.  I certainly don't feel I am strong enough for it. 

I saw the CPTSD symptoms, yeah, it fits a lot of things.  So I likely have a physical issue or five, and also this on top of it.  I need to divide and conquer, I am hoping taking care of the lungs/allergies will help give me strength for everything else.  I feel like the little Dutch boy's dyke, with too many water spouts going at once that need to be turned off. 

Yesterday was actually somewhat okay, even if it means we are not having a restful weekend after all.  I know part of H's degenerating mood has been tied to his normal 4-month checkup, a 6-month specialist check-up, and the upcoming holiday which means travel to see family.  He had been dreading all, and dreading telling his mom we weren't coming even though he felt he preferred that. 

Got past both exams/check-ups.  Had some good results, really good results, and some work is needed in a few places.  But doctor visits are very invalidating, so he gets very worried and upset and embarrassed before them.  And it all gets vented onto me. 

After his mom's cheerful hopeful message about how she's got the cascarones (confetti eggs) and pinata and was going to order pizza so no one would have to cook, he felt he could not tell her, no, so he worked out a plan that will give us a lot of work but overall, let us see two sets of shut-ins in 36 hours.  He HATES pizza for family gatherings.  As long as one person can cook or there is better food to pick up, he will make that happen rather than get pizza. 

An introvert couple (the husband is disabled, H's high school friend, the wife has clinical depression/anxiety so bad she rarely leaves the house, they have had many issues with the foster care system causing it) has wanted us to come BBQ with them for about a year.  The parents had created a tradition of Easter fajitas, but H is the only one who even tries to keep it up, and the parents' house is no longer suitable for BBQs, the pits are rusted, so there'd been no choice other than us do it all up here and transport things 1.5 hours away and hope they reheat/don't spoil. 

If we go to the more comfortable friends' house to BBQ the fajitas, down the street from the parents, we can look forward to mostly a nice day with friends, not an entire weekend with depressing, unwilling to do anything to improve life hoarding parents.  We can still bring the parents Easter fajitas, but I won't have to spend a long time cleaning the kitchen before I can make my part of the meal, deviled eggs, tortillas, beans, potato salad, and in some I can make tonight after work.  One oH"s biggest sources of sadness of late has been his lack of current friends for BBQs (it's a Texas thing) and his lack of desire to just grill for us.  And energy.  This gave him energy, so here's hoping it goes well. 

Happy Easter, everyone.  Hope it's a blessed weekend for everyone.  Christ suffered on a cross.  I can make some tortillas and potato salad.

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: Kwamina on April 21, 2019, 02:00:58 AM
Thanks isilme  Happy Easter to you too

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 21, 2019, 08:13:06 AM
Happy easter. 

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: HappyChappy on April 21, 2019, 09:00:51 AM
Christ suffered on a cross.
My NPD thinks he's Jesus and makes you die when he’s cross. Have you noticed how Julian Assange, Richard Brandson and John Lennon, all accused of being very NPD and all tried to look like Jesus at some point. .  Don’t even get me started on Madonna (Papa don’t preach) ! Noel Gallagher (a survivor of a NPD father) was asked if he thinks he’s Jesus, and he said “No I think I’m John Lennon.” Perfect !

Title: Re: Another violent surprise blow up
Post by: Harri on April 21, 2019, 01:19:48 PM

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