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Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: twocrazycats on April 06, 2019, 01:59:45 PM



Title: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: twocrazycats on April 06, 2019, 01:59:45 PM
Hello,
My daughter is 18 and has been showing signs of BPD since she was 13. I started reading what I could back then. She would not go to a therapist, but I had one, and when I mentioned my concerns to him, he said they don't diagnose BPD in teenagers that young. So I put the books aside and forgot about it. Her behaviors got worse before they got better (only to get worse again now). After inpatient psychiatric care, Lyme disease and a severe concussion, she settled down while healing, and life was fairly calm. I am now seeing the characteristics again. They were there all along, but for several years she didn't have a boyfriend in her daily life. Now she does again, and I see that when she does, it amplifies every characteristic of the disorder.

I feel emotionally abused and worn out. I have been given recommendations for therapists by a friend whose ex-wife has BPD, and each and every one has said they're not taking new patients.

In calmer moments, I worry about her future. In the midst of the chaos, I focus on surviving from one moment to the next. I am at the end of my rope.

I feel bad saying that she fits the description, and I feel bad about posting here, because she has never been diagnosed with BPD. But when I read the books, every single word fits. So I hope it's okay.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: Only Human on April 06, 2019, 02:19:14 PM
Welcome twocrazycats  :hi:

It is absolutely ok that you are posting here! I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter and I'm glad journe reached out for support from others who get it.

I was also at the end of my rope when I got here and I can say with confidence that things can get better. It won't happen over night but you seem to have already done a lot of work, so you're ahead of the game. Are you still seeing a therapist?

Again, welcome! We are glad you're here.

~ OH



Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: twocrazycats on April 06, 2019, 02:50:38 PM
Thank you for your reply. No, I'm not seeing a therapist right now. I stopped talking to the previous one because he specializes in adolescent psychology and the goal was really to get my daughter to go to him. I have been looking for one for myself, but have not found any that are taking new patients. I'm still looking, but in the meantime am glad I've found this message board.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: FaithHopeLoveKC on April 06, 2019, 02:59:54 PM
Hello Two Crazy Cats,
I join Only Human in welcoming you here and assuring you that you are not alone in this roller coaster of a journey. Things can get better.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: Miserable Mom on April 06, 2019, 04:15:22 PM
Welcome to the exhausted club. I have found great support, ideas and a wealth of information in these boards. My daughter spins out of control also in relation to boyfriend. It appears to be a primary cause of ER visits for many. The inability to regulate the emotions/loss causes my daughter to engage in some terrifying high risk behavior. Glad you are here. :wee:


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: Peace63 on April 06, 2019, 09:38:05 PM
I just started using this too and am in similar situation. Hang in there is right. My daughter is 20 and it is a blessing when she is out of the house with boyfriend... I am exhausted too with over 6 years of physical threats, suicide threats, and most recently run in with the law. I think the most important thing is self care and learning how to step out of a fight. What is exhausting is the constant walking on eggshells and the expectation that there will be consequences of hell from her if I have to ask her to do something or God forbid make her car payment that she promised she would do. I scared of my own daughter...


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: wendydarling on April 07, 2019, 06:17:52 AM
Welcome twocrazycats  :hi:

You've certainly landed in the right place, along with others I'm glad you've found us, though sorry what your dealing with your daughter. There are many undiagnosed, showing traits or not in treatment here, you are not alone. :hug:

What behaviours are you dealing with twocrazycats?

I hope you find a therapist, a strong support group is critical. I'm glad you have a friend who understands and you can talk to and you have us. As MM says there is a wealth of information, ideas and support from others. We are walking with you.

Things do get better, there is hope.

Welcome again.

WDx


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: FaithHopeLoveKC on April 07, 2019, 06:37:50 AM
Welcome Two Crazy Cats,
I take it you have cats? It is good to meet you although I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. You have come to the right place for help and support for you and your daughter whether she is diagnosed BPD or not. Loving someone who has this disorder or even just symptoms of it takes a whole new skill set, one many of us are learning together here. I don't want to overwhelm you with too much information all at once but here is a good book to read Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship www.amazon.com/dp/1593856075/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_gRDQCbKJCBQGE just took a huge step by posting here. I hope you will continue to do so. You are not alone on your journey.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: Miserable Mom on April 07, 2019, 10:03:16 AM
Peace63 I feel that entire statement. Wow. We all share such similar situations. The threats are very real concerns and dangerous. I was the target of such insane behaviors that most can't comprehend them, many don't believe me. First inpatient stay was a game changer, as the worst, outside of death, has now happened. Her threats of suicide, threats of reports to DCFS, threats to harm me physically all happened. What she perceived to be a threat from me, taking her to inpatient hospital, has now happened. I have information that many do not have access to, her social media profiles/conversations. When I first intercepted her presence online, the information was so traumatic to me, I could only proceed a little at a time. I have learned to not take anything she says to me personally, easier said than done for sure. However, in her reality, I am the entire cause of all issues and I am the only one standing between her and her will to self destruct. It is the most difficult thing I have ever faced in life.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: stampingt1 on April 13, 2019, 02:24:10 AM
Welcome!

Sorry that you are going through this. I have started seeing a therapist myself & reading books about BPD. Both have really helped me. Maybe they would help you, too.

Goodluck!
 :hug:


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: twocrazycats on April 14, 2019, 08:01:04 PM
I have been spending time reading all the posts here, and, although I wish no one else had to go through this either, it is comforting to know that I am not alone.

I have not been able to find a therapist, as so far they have all said they are not taking new patients. I have been doing a lot of reading. I had thought I lost access to books I'd purchased on a Kindle years ago, but last week, after calling Amazon about a different problem with my new Kindle, they were able to put all the books from the previous one on the new one. And that includes all the BPD books I had started reading in 2014, when I first suspected my daughter might have BPD. One newer book that has been helpful, and that I haven't seen mentioned here, is "When Your Daughter Has BPD" by Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D.

Another update is that out of the blue ... my daughter, 18 now and still un (or mis)diagnosed, came into my room and told me she believes that she has BPD! I was shocked. My first thought, cynic that I've become after dealing with her these years, is that she must have come into my bedroom while I was out and found some of the BPD books, and she was saying it to let me know that she caught me. She has done things like this before. But we had a pretty long talk, and I think she's sincere. She said they were learning about it in her high school psychology class (I'm so cynical I asked to look in the textbook -- there wasn't much, actually, but she said the teacher talked about it in class.) She said that she thinks her emotional responses are all out of proportion, and she can't get over things easily. She said that she wants to go to therapy. She even said that she's willing to go back on the guanfacine, a medication she'd been given for ADHD which really helped her control impulses and helped her relate to me. The decline really did start after she went off it, but who knows if it was just a coincidence or the medication. Anyway, wow. But I was still thrown off the next time she completely and rudely defied me, even though I know that taking the first step of acknowledgement doesn't mean the problem is cured. I asked her the next day, and again a day or two later, if she was still interested in therapy, and she said yes. I'm still worn down and beaten down, but I at least feel cautiously optimistic (emphasis on cautiously).

And now I need to find therapists for both of us!


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: Only Human on April 14, 2019, 11:08:23 PM
What a wonderful turn of events, twocrazycats!

Excerpt
But I was still thrown off the next time she completely and rudely defied me, even though I know that taking the first step of acknowledgement doesn't mean the problem is cured.

True enough, however acknowledging that she has difficulties with her emotions may lead the way to her reflecting on her interactions with you (and others) in a way she hadn't before. Baby steps.

Care to share more about that interaction - what you asked of her, how she responded, how you responded? It can sometimes help to do what we call a "post-mortem" of interactions. It's something that really helped me in my early days here.

Excerpt
I asked her the next day, and again a day or two later, if she was still interested in therapy, and she said yes.

Great! She is staying the course. As you know, there is a long road ahead and it will not be easy. You sound very committed to doing the hard work necessary to improve your relationship and support your daughter in treatment. Keep up the great work and remember - self-care, self-care, self-care!

We are celebrating with you, twocrazycats!  :wee:

~ OH


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: FaithHopeLoveKC on April 15, 2019, 05:59:42 AM
I think it is great that she recognizes she has BPD and is willing to go to therapy and even consider meds. That is a huge step forward. As OH says, now is the time to focus on self care. Do you have a plan for that? What sort of things bring you joy?


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: Mirsa on April 15, 2019, 06:14:14 PM
Hi TwoCrazyCats,

I had to go and read all of your posts, because I was wondering if you were my ex-husband, with whom my BPD DD 18 is living!  But, looks like you adopted your daughter, so different girl.  But my daughter had Lyme disease for many years, in-patient psychiatric care, a serious concussion/brain injury, and now has a boyfriend.  Kind of freaky!  However, she has also agreed that she is BPD, although she may not believe that anymore.  (I'm not sure bc she cut me off six months ago.)   I think the Lyme and the concussion really triggered more BPD symptoms in her as she went through her teen years...they were hell!   And yes, I also felt emotionally abused and worn out.  So worn out that in the last six months, I really haven't missed her, it's just been a huge relief to not have to deal with her every day.

I wish you all the best.  A therapist for yourself is a great plan and really helped me during those awful years.  If you can try to find ways of taking time and care of yourself, I recommend it.  I know it's hard with the constant turmoil she creates.  Keep coming back here to share with us.  We all get it, 100%


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: twocrazycats on April 15, 2019, 09:26:07 PM
Oh, Mirsa, that is freaky, that your DD also had Lyme, spent time inpatient, and had a concussion. I am certain that both the Lyme and the concussion made my daughter's symptoms worse.

One comment my daughter made regarding when she had Lyme (which was the time she decided she was going to jump out a window, which was what landed her in inpatient): she said, "lots of people get Lyme Disease but most of them don't try to commit suicide over it. I can see that was an overreaction." My mind was blown.

I honestly don't remember the details of the interaction I mentioned. She does it so much. She cannot take no for an answer, especially when it concerns the boyfriend, but at other times too. It probably was a request to do something, and I had said that it wouldn't be a good idea and explained why, and instead of discussing it, she gets a look in her eye like she's a sociopath and says something like, "you're not my mother," or, "you've lost your daughter," all because she didn't get her way. I'm so over it. But yes, baby steps and self care. I just wish it weren't so difficult to get a therapist for both her and me.

Also, she has said she doesn't remember some of the interactions. Some she remembers completely differently. Like a meltdown she had last summer when we were visiting my son in London. We were supposed to get an early flight to Ireland, and she woke us up crying that she had been cold and uncomfortable, she hated her bed in the hotel, couldn't sleep, we were the worst family in the world, totally selfish, and she was sick and had chills. So I canceled the flight and the hotel. My son went back to his dormitory room (he's in grad school in London, we're in the U.S.). I met up with my son later to talk with him. My daughter settled down much later. Then, when Ireland came up in a discussion months later, I said, well, I had to cancel that trip. She said "why? I was ready to go? I don't know why we didn't go." What the? She doesn't even remember she was having a tantrum like a 5 year old?  Plus she said she had a fever and chills, they might not have even allowed her on the plane if she'd been telling the truth. I feel like, which DD am I dealing with today? I am so over it, so worn out. And I see that now, little things are bothering me. I feel like I have PTSD. If she's a half hour late (which she always is, at least), I start freaking out that it will be longer.

I'm counting the days until she goes off to college (although my son will be going back to London, too, and that makes me sad). She even asked when we were going to London, assuming we'd go over with him. I thought, when h*** freezes over, after what you did last year.

I'm just repeating to myself, baby steps and self care. Now if only I could find a therapist.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: twocrazycats on April 18, 2019, 10:34:16 PM
So tonight she was out with the boyfriend. I'm sick with chills and stomach pain and nausea. She said she would be back at 9, because I'm sick. She promised. Then she changed it to 10. Then she changed it to "I don't know." Now she says she's staying there all night. Said she would have come home, but found some way to blame it on me and my son. Says she'll be back in the morning. She stopped home to get her medicine, and it was like she was a different person. I am so f'ing done. My son is going back to England the end of the summer for a doctoral program. I wanted this time with him to be nice, and instead, all I do is cry. Just done.


Title: Re: I feel emotionally abused and worn out
Post by: FaithHopeLoveKC on April 19, 2019, 05:55:35 AM
I am so sorry your daughter was so thoughtless about coming home at a reasonable time, particularly when you are not feeling well. I hope you find a therapist soon who can help you sort out your emotions. For now, as a peer going through something similar, I would say let go of your expectations for this relationship. Practice radical acceptance. That is what works for me when it comes to my DS24XPWBPDson. I don't approve of all the choices he makes but I accept who he is which includes being a pwbpd who is going to behave in selfish and. even nasty ways sometimes because of both his immaturity and his condition. This behavior is not right or good or deserved on my part but it is the only way he knows how to cope with his own intolerable emotions so, until he learns better, I accept the fact that he is going to act like an a-hole sometimes without taking it personally. I set my boundaries (boundaries is another great topic for you) so I don't get hurt. These boundaries include walking away or hanging up the phone if he is abusive. It is still hard but now that he no longer lives with us it has gotten better. I hope it soon gets better for you too. Here is a thread about radical acceptance that may help. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0