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 :hi: This is my first post on Learning, you guys. I will tell you what made me decide it's time to move from detaching.

Today is my six year anniversary. It took me nearly three hours into my day to realize it. When I was still in the acute grief and anxiety phase, I would probably have realized it yesterday, dreaded today, and then thought about it first thing when I woke up.

But I didn't.

When I did realize it...I reflected a bit on the past six years, and I realized that even though it is sad that the relationship could never be what I hoped or dreamed it could be, it is part of the learning experience that has equipped me today to reach out and support others who are suffering, and that is invaluable to me. It places me in a unique position.

Because of this failed relationship, I have learned about myself. I have learned how to be a better mother. I have learned how to validate my kids, and how important it is to model healthy boundary setting. I have learned (some) of the reasons why I tolerated abuse, and I have started reversing many of the core negative beliefs I learned in childhood.

Because of this failed relationship, I have learned that I can stand on my own. I don't have to be an emotionally dependent person. I have strength. I have courage. I have capability.

Is this the way I saw my marriage turning out six years ago? Not really, but to be honest, I was consciously ignoring a field of  red-flag red-flag red-flag when I got married. So it really isn't a surprise, to be honest.

I have reached the point where I can feel the sadness, acknowledge it, and then let it go and go on about my day. My therapy has become solely focused on me and not my relationship with uBPDh. I think I am finally crossing the bridge to acceptance, and I am at peace with it.

Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories of detaching and moving on after a relationship. You guys are all strong and beautiful people, and I'm glad you're here 

"With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be peaceful. Strive to be happy." ~Max Ehrmann, ''Desiderata"

That's awesome Redeemed

It's amazing how going through something like this makes us a better person on the other side, always work to do, but way better than before. I'm glad our situations helped us see what we had to work on, in ourselves, and as you said, it places us in a position to help others.

BF

 

Beautifully said, Redeemed.  We will welcome you over here on Learning.

As you note, going through the BPD crucible forces one to confront one's own issues, which fosters new growth, in my experience.  It's a painful process, yet leads to greater happiness.

I admire you for feeling the sadness, acknowledging it and letting it go.  I liken the process to electricity passing through a lightning rod and discharging harmlessly into the ground.

LJ

Thanks, by faith, and yes, there's still much work to do, but thank God I'm not where I used to be.

LJ, I like the electricity comparison. It does strike me a little, but I am more "grounded" now.

Redeemed

Hey Redeemed, No, you need not be emotionally dependent anymore.  I suspect a lot of us Nons have codependent tendencies, because you have to be somewhat of a caretaker to be in a r/s with a pwBPD.  Now you can make healthier choices!

Yes to your strength, courage and capability.

Love that Max Ehrmann quote, which I find inspiring.

LJ

Thanks, LJ, I am definitely a caretaker and a bit co-dependent. I have learned that my urge to "fix" and "rescue" is motivated primarily by avoiding my own uncomfortable feelings about someone else being in discomfort, or avoiding the effect on me if they don't get their way. There are more healthy ways to deal with those situations than to exhaust myself trying to please everyone, and I have learned that "helping" is very different from "enabling". I also learned that if I feel intimidated to "help" someone simply because they feel that I should be doing something for them that they are responsible for handling, then I can (and should) set boundaries, and it is OK for me to do that. Who knew? 

I love the whole Desiderata poem. It is very inspiring.

I hear you, Redeemed.  Now I can recognize when I'm being manipulated because I sense pressure, which tells me its time to set a boundary.  Plus, I'm better at deflecting manipulation by laughing it off or calling someone's bluff by saying "so what?" or "go ahead, see what I care?"  I don't feel the need to explain myself anymore.  I'm entitled to my position and determine to hold my ground.  These days, I say, "that's not my problem" and move on without the need to enable someone.  If I decide to help someone to do something they are unable to do themselves, that's different and a conscious decision on my part.

It all sounds easy, but it's taken me years to get the hang of it.  I'm still learning and occasionally lapse into old behavior patterns, which I use as reminders of what I need to work on.

LJ

Hi Redeemed,
I hope you are feeling really proud of how much you've learned in such a short time.    You are an inspiration. 

Cat

... May the absolute power of prayer and good karma engulf you Redeemed!

Red5

Great stuff!

I like LJ's comparison to a crucible. That made me think of a gauntlet, like the Dirty Harry movie. 

Surviving and growing are the first steps to Thriving 

Thanks, Red, I certainly believe in the power of prayer, for sure.

Cat, yes, my T is proud of my progress, too. One of the major points is that I have let go of the guilt. Even though I recognized that I am not responsible for another person's choices, I still felt guilty for going NC even though it was necessary to protect myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. After my T helped me figure out that my guilt came from my childhood and believing that I am responsible for other people's feelings, I was able to recognize and separate the guilt from the sadness of the way the relationship turned out. Now, I still feel the sadness at times, but the guilt is gone. He made his choices, and I did what I had to do to protect myself, and that's that.

Turkish, I feel like I am on my way to thriving! And it feels great!

Hi Redeemed,

Just wanted to applaud you on your progress too 

I think that you and I are both on a similar timeline in terms of our break up but I think that you are further along in your journey (not that it's a race and I get that everyone has their own timetable for recovery).  Like Cat said, you are an inspiration to me!

How did you shake the guilt of going no contact?  I'm low contact myself but I'm still mired in guilt.  Mostly for the impact upon my teen son.  My son is coping with everything so darn well and he doesn't impose this feeling upon me - it's all me.  I wish so hard we could be that post-divorce family that could hang out together now and then.  I wish I could have a normal (non-gray rock) conversation with my ex but only for my son's sake.  I feel significant pain and guilt whenever I read the narrative in books, internet articles etc. about how "mature" the divorcing couple is and how there are "putting their children first" by having a good post-divorce relationship and I'm upholding the opposite.  It is very incongruent with my personality to shut people out, be cold and formal in my communication, and to minimize contact. 

I know that my ex wants us to do "family things" and unlike a lot of BPD's on this site, co-parenting with him has been relatively easy in that there is little ongoing conflict (likely due to my very firm boundaries).  My ex-in-laws are trying to reach out and include me in some family events but they are in deep denial about my ex's BPD behaviors "just a mid-life crisis (sure )"  Their denial, shoving things under the carpet, and some extremely hurtful and thoughtless actions and words since the divorce have made me decide to have some really firm boundaries with them too for my own protection.  This all impacts my son's interactions with his father and family members in ways that really pain me.  It's very awkward at times and frankly, I look like the difficult, non-accommodating, immature ex-partner to a casual observer.

How did you get past this guilt?
Warmly,
B

Bag lady,

I totally get where you are coming from as far as the impact on your son. It's something that I still feel sad about. The problem for me is that I had sadness and guilt fused together.

My therapist helped me to discover where the guilt came from. I realized that it started in childhood. My mother attempted suicide when I was two, and had a stroke which permanently disabled her as a result. My much older sister raised me, but she and my father (her stepfather) had vicious verbal arguments, and sometimes my sister would yell at my mother and say we hated her for what she did. I felt caught in the middle, and that it was my job to make everyone feel happy.

Also, my sister and father were both emotionally manipulative people, who basically taught me that I was responsible for their feelings. I learned to be a people pleaser, and to feel guilty if I didn't do what others wanted.

I started emdr therapy a few weeks ago and I think it is the crucial element that helped me get unstuck and move forward. I have created new neural pathways with positive beliefs which counteract the negative core beliefs.

Also, I paid attention when the sadness/guilt rose up, and each time I consciously told myself "it's OK to grieve the relationship and family you wanted, but didn't get. BUT uBPDh is suffering the natural consequences of his choices, AND it is not your fault and s3's relationship with his dad is not your responsibility".

I did this over and over and over, until the guilt and sadness separated, and I was able to let the guilt go. Now, I may feel a "ghost" of guilt, but I can quickly shoo it away with a shortened version of the above self-talk.

Therapy and NC have been key for me to make this progress.

Redeemed

Also, bag lady,

You know your truth, and while casual observers may not see the whole dynamic at play, you know that there is a necessity for your boundaries.

Other people don't have to live your life. You do. You don't have to feel guilty about things you can't control (other people). You're doing what you have to, and that is a great way to model healthy behavior for your son.

Hugs to you,

Redeemed

Thanks Redeemed,

Such encouraging and supportive words and so appreciated   

I guess on some level I have internalized that I'm at fault for the breakdown of my marriage even though logically I know that this isn't true.  I own my codependency issues which didn't help matters but logically I know that no amount of love can conquer a BPD partner hell-bent on torpedoing his life and by extension his partner's and children's lives.  My T is currently undergoing EMDR training so hopefully this approach will help me too.

Much luck to you!
Warmly,
B

Great post IAR!  Really proud of all your hard work.  Keep it up!

FF

Thanks, FF! I'm so grateful for this community. You guys helped fill in the gaps between therapy sessions, .

I Am Redeemed, I am so glad that you made it to this place!

Thank you, Educated _guess, I don't know where I would be without it!

Probably still stressed out and tolerating way more than anyone should.