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Relationship Partner with BPD (heterosexual or gay) => Romantic Relationship | Learning after a Failed Relationship (after detaching) => Topic started by: Euler2718 on April 13, 2019, 07:44:59 AM



Title: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: Euler2718 on April 13, 2019, 07:44:59 AM
2yrs since bpdxgf left. Still very limited contact. Anyway, I've been dating a normal girl, she says she loves me and we had sex last week for the first time. I don't feel love (or maybe I do), but sometimes I feel like I do. During sex I'm not sure how I felt, it's just weird. I tell her I cherish her sometimes. Its a problem, not knowing who I am or how I feel. So far she has been patient. The ex needed to feel so completely loved everything was a potential fight.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm doing very well. It's not cause of the bpd relationships, it's more like I'm at a distance and always have been.

Also -- I am in therapy. Things happen quicker than I can mature though.


Title: Re: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: itsmeSnap on April 13, 2019, 11:57:30 PM
Hey man

I'm kind of in a similar camp, been dating someone I thought I was not really attracted to at first.

No sex yet, but I'm having similar feelings like you describe, I like her but I'm not sure, and yet I keep moving forward, so I'm starting to let myself believe I really do like her but I'm having "intimacy calibration" issues from the intensity of having previously dated a bpd.

Excerpt
it's more like I'm at a distance and always have been.
I just told her I need time, that I might be "seemingly cold" while I process things, that its not a rejection. She understood, she's giving me space. it's quite comfortable, I feel at ease, I know she likes me a lot, I'm still not sure, and yet we're both ok with it.

Last time (bpd gf) was pretty much the opposite. at least I'm being open and honest, if things don't work out then so be it, and if they do, only time will tell I guess.

Excerpt
Things happen quicker than I can mature though
Don't feel bad or be afraid to press the brakes, she'll understand. And if she doesn't, then maybe it really wasn't quite right, what do you think?


Title: Re: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: Euler2718 on April 14, 2019, 08:20:32 AM
I'm still going forward. I don't pretend to love more than I do. I don't know about all this searching for passion; it's just a drug that stops working maybe. Yesterday I took the new girl to mini golf and coffee and I bought her clothes (I told her she was dressed like a nun, it was only about $30 worth of clothes). I haven't committed yet, I don't know when or if I'm supposed to do that since I will discuss with my therapist before doing that.


Title: Re: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: Turkish on April 14, 2019, 09:54:38 PM
I'm still going forward. I don't pretend to love more than I do. I don't know about all this searching for passion; it's just a drug that stops working maybe. Yesterday I took the new girl to mini golf and coffee and I bought her clothes (I told her she was dressed like a nun, it was only about $30 worth of clothes). I haven't committed yet, I don't know when or if I'm supposed to do that since I will discuss with my therapist before doing that.

How did she respond to that?


Title: Re: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: Euler2718 on April 15, 2019, 11:04:26 AM
Fine. We laugh a lot. She suggested I buy her replacement clothes so I spent $30 on some new clothes at the mall. No problem, everyone was happy!


Title: Re: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: Turkish on April 15, 2019, 11:06:10 AM
Sounds like a comfortable shared sense of humor.


Title: Re: not sure what love is supposed to feel like
Post by: itsmeSnap on April 17, 2019, 12:56:47 PM
Excerpt
I don't know when or if I'm supposed to do
Very few people enter a dating situation with the intent of marrying the person from the start.

Dating is precisely that, figuring out if you like each other enough for feelings of love to develop. And if not, well then you'll know, no sense staying (or trying to keep them with you) with someone you don't love.