Relationship Partner with BPD (heterosexual or gay) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: frankofwgkta on April 13, 2019, 04:19:50 PM

Title: 11 days since she left and she texted me last night...
Post by: frankofwgkta on April 13, 2019, 04:19:50 PM
well i feel like i've been dealing with the emptyness of my days better but always gets me in i get random episodes of missing her so much that i would leave anything just to be with her. after the last time we spoke last tuesday she hasn't reached out to me and the best thing is that she did, but the thing is while i was celebrating a night with my friends she texts me asking about what is the name of a band that she liked so much that we discovered together. i screenshotted the song and send it to her and just told her i hope you have a good right of your night and she never messaged me again. i woke up today really in my feelings missing her and asking myself why doesn't she just replay or text me back! she told me last tuesday that there is not chance of her coming back but because she's hurt me and lied in the past. i'm afraid that what if shes plotting to come back. oh god i wish that would happen but then i look at my self and ask why in the world do you want her that bad! i feel like im addicted to her attention. i even prayed that if she texts me today or tomorrow that she might come back. how stupid is that! i know how crazy it sounds. i want to move on and get passed all this but then i have urge to want her back. sometimes ibelieve that this is just a long ass episode that she usually has and one day she would just wake up and come back or contact me. she wont. i got to remind me that she left me , she doesn't love me, shes already been on multiple dates with other people and is doing things. she doesn't think about me any more. i am devalued, i need to get out of this funk.  am i just making a simple message about a band we discovered , into something bigger that it really is. i got to tell my self that she only messaged me because she just wants to know about the band, not because she is thinking of me , not because to see if i am responsive. remember if she wanted to talk to you she would of keep the conversation going.

Title: Re: 11 days since she left and she texted me last night...
Post by: Turkish on April 13, 2019, 09:51:04 PM
Expect more of this,  which throws the ball into your court whether or not to respond. 

When my ex was living with me and the kids,  living a double life, she kept a journal on the couch upon which she was sleeping.  Of course I read it. 

She wrote,  " Thank you God for [boy-toy] and thank you for Turkish." ?

She will use you to fulfill her needs as much as you let her,  because that's how she operates: her needs are paramount.

You can let go with grace (recommended for your own mental health and to reduce drama), or you can keep answering and killing yourself emotionally.

Title: Re: 11 days since she left and she texted me last night...
Post by: frankofwgkta on April 14, 2019, 09:42:41 AM
yeah you are right. all day yesterday and this morning were my highest moments of wanting to go back. it's almost going to be 2 weeks till she left me. i was reading an article that people with PBD will most likely get over there ex's by the second week. even though a lot of us start improving right away. most people take around 6 weeks to do so. i wish i could stop thinking of her and analyzing anything she sends me. it's just a question about a band, she is not missing you. when im the lowest i pray, the thing is i pray to take this anxiety away but also if she wants me to text me again. but she will never come back ineed to accept that. not just because it's over but because i need to get rid of the attachment and heal. i'm here thinking about her and missing her and she's at home with her dogs and famlily having a good sunday. i'm the last thing in her mind i got to realize and accept that pwBPD will detach from you quickly my ex doesn't love me she will not come back and i need to move on.

Title: Re: 11 days since she left and she texted me last night...
Post by: Mutt on April 14, 2019, 11:47:11 AM
Hi frankofwgkta,

I just wanted to start by saying you're not crazy - you're experiencing lost and you're craving to want what you have lost back. It sounds like you know that she's not good for you but you're worried that you might take her back if she came back to you. I'd suggest to not worry about taking her back if you don't want to if that is your boundary if you struggle with boundaries then you can ask for help here. If you're determined not to go back then don't worry about it boundaries are there to protect you.

I agree with Turkish don't make yourself emotionally available to her because if she is just fulfilling emotional needs for herself (one way, non reciprocated) think about how she values you . Don't put yourself in that position that's just advise if you need it I'm not saying that because of her text and your response back. Turkish is right she'll message you again.

Title: Re: 11 days since she left and she texted me last night...
Post by: frankofwgkta on April 15, 2019, 10:41:48 AM
i need help with boundaries. i don't even know what proper and healthy boundaries. i want her back but it will end worse than what it is and like i said she told me we're not going to get back together but i still have that weird hope. i guess it is how you worded it. i'm experiencing loss, i want it back but it's not healthy. i guess my ego is what is keeping stuck. i keep thinking that she's going to forget about me. i need to distance my self and try to move on. 

Title: Re: 11 days since she left and she texted me last night...
Post by: Mutt on April 15, 2019, 09:33:56 PM
Boundaries are how we communicate our values to others. A boundary defines the scope of our independent core values. It is the fault line on a tennis court - everything inside the fault line is playable. With boundaries, everything inside the boundary is consistent with our value.

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

Boundaries in a really simple term mean to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. They are defined as your core values or living by your core values. For example in this context after a bad break up and being mistreated you can start to assert harsher sets of rules on yourself to give yourself distance and time to essentially heal your wounds quicker.

You know that she’s not going to have your welfare in your best interest that’s up to you to defend. You probably felt guilty or sad in the past with your expwBPD or another gf and caved in. A lot of members here had bad boundaries or floating boundaries our exes knew that if they pushed eventually we’d give in to whatever demand or desire.

She’s a big girl she can take care of herself. A boundary for now would be I’m not going to answer back a text, email etc because I want to set a hard limit and take care of my own emotional needs by protecting myself from someone that’s displayed bad behaviors to me time and time again.