BPDFamily.com

 :help:
Hello to this community,

I have been in a 19 year relationship, 16 years married, 2 teenage sons with a BPD wife. There's a typically tragic long story of our relationship, and how i've completely lost my life, career, and community through the course of the relationship.  I left the house in Florida in 2014, and i tried to go to therapy(accused of manipulating the therapists), mediation to separate our finances, and then collaborative law(she didnt participate, and then said that my attorney miscontrued the agreeement). I moved to new york, my two sons are here now, and she is moving here next week.  I"m terrified of her being back in my geographic area, and I am very down about having to share my sons with her, and scared that they will be leveraged and poisoned. the oldest already blames everything on me and I've had to really learn to just love him unconditionally.  So, i have an attorney who is ready to file an official divorce petition, and who I've been going back and forth to for over 5 years. the attorney know the entire history with me and my wife, and she believes that I've enabled her bad behavior. she wants to be very aggressive, and the petition, amongst other things, declares that my wife committed slander which is why i lost my job. this is at least partly true.  However, I'm scared that this will just completely set off my wife and escalate the already serious smear campaign against me.  She is very enmeshed in my work community(she runs the organization i started and has befriended and become a star celebrity in that circle, a lot based on her being victimized by me.)  i have close people who are encouraging me to let the attorney do her thing, but i am really concerned that she will go nuts and unleash all kinds of stuff including publicizing the contents of my journals which she took from my apartment when i let her come visit the kids(i know SO stupid!). She will also likely light up my work community that i'm placing blame for my problems on her, and that will further deteriorate my standing.  Any way, looking for advice here on the divorce tactic/strategy, anything i can do about my work community, and how to deal with the fact that she holds my journal, and other very vulnerable information as sources of black mail against me.  Any feedback and direct advice appreciated. 

Hi HowHighTheWall,

Welcome to the BPD Family  :hi:

Divorce is difficult and scary, BPD spouse or no BPD spouse, that said because of the BPD behaviors/traits it often makes that divorce more complicated.

I'm hearing Fear in your post which is part of what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  She is using threats to create Fear and keep you doing what she wants.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Have you expressed your fears to your Attorney?  What's the strategy they have in mind?

There is a book that you might find helpful in terms of things you might expect and approach that can help...
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy

I want to add that it has been my experience (I was married 20 year to an alcoholic & my partner was married 17 to an undiagnosed BPD wife) that in terms of fear you will need to eventually push through it to move forward (we all come to this in our own time).  What would it be like for you to let go of the fear?  How would it effect your actions?  What are your options if your worse case scenario happens?

It's funny my Partner and I both had mantra's when it came to the fear during our divorces that we didn't discover until later.

Mine: Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care - Pink
His: Boldly Go - Star Trek

Educate yourself as best you can, prepare as best you can, work with your attorney, hope for the best and expect the worst.  You've landed in a great place for support, advice, strategies, and ideas I know others will be along with more thoughts.

Hang in there,
Panda39

How does your attorney believe you enabled her, and do you agree? Is your wife moving in with you,  or just close?

First thought...get an injunction prohibiting release of your personal journals. Those are your property, not hers -- no matter who is in possession.

I felt so embarrassed and ashamed by my then-spouse's emotional claims that I failed to take action until I had no other choice.  She had isolated me from our friends and my relatives.  As she got more and more out of control, what signaled The End Was Near was her starting to look sideways at me as though I was a child molester.  Though the allegations started almost silly, they got increasingly more scary.

So my advice is generic but spot on ... Do what you have to do.

Oh, my outcome?  Court made her primary parent despite her facing a Threat of DV charge.  That continued for over two years until the Final Decree.  I walked out then with equal time and as residential parent for school purposes.  Back in court again a few years later and I became Legal Guardian.  Back in court again a couple years later (for the last time!) I got majority time during the school year.  Yes, it took years, but I don't regret making a stand to remain an involved parent.  I did what I had to do.  So can you.

Meanwhile get a few legal consultations with experienced attorneys.  The SPLITTING handbook is a required resource for us.  Determine how you can ensure she doesn't move in with you.  Though married, you're currently living separately and you need to determine how you can keep it that way.  I think your current state may require divorcing parents to continue living together for a year until a divorce can proceed.  That's why you need legal advice now while you two are still separated.