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Mod note: This post was split off from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334797.0

REcently ended my r/s with BPD bf/fiance and it's THE most painful breakup ever. Even more than my marriage. I think from my reading it's just part of the BPD "chemistry". What helped me a little was thinking that mine would maybe get better also with counseling and he was trying, I think. (hear the "echo"?) And I finally remembered a saying about one does not marry someone for their potential. ever. So if that is sage advice for non-BPD then it is surely sound for "us" as well. I mean, I said to myself, c'mon - who would marry someone for their potential - what if they never realize their potential AND it clearly can not work the way it IS. I just have to hold hope that if there is growth for him that is SUSTAINED AND SUSTAINABLE (I know that would take years of committed DBT therapy) then the Universe/God will conspire to have our paths cross THEN. I know I can't do the 1-5 years it would take to get to that point - IF it happened. The rollercoaster, Jekyll/Hyde thing was making me crazy and I felt destabilized. Spending all my time/emotional energy worring about and managing him. That's NOT how I want to spend my life. That being said, I'm VERY sad - have cried at least every other day for the last 2 months  - so yeah, it's super duper hard. BUT i also have spontaneous moments of joy and getting a little space and some T for myself has helped me to KNOW I'll be ok w/o him. HUgs to you

Hey Vjam, I'm sorry to hear that your b/u has been so painful, though I think you are wise to make decisions based on the here and now.  Where things stand in the present, in my view, is the place to start.  Projecting about the future, needless to say, can be highly unreliable.  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  On some level, I suspect you already know the right path for you.

LuckyJim

Hi Vjam.  I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain.  It is absolutely the most painful, heartrending breakup I ever had to deal with as well. The first time for me was last summer.  I was devastated, I was like you and cried every night.  Getting through work each day was a chore.  Then we got back together two months later. We broke up again a few months ago, then recycled again.  Each time has been less painful than the first (although still difficult).  This last time we just ended things Sunday.  I feel different this time.  I just feel relief.  I agree with the saying you mentioned, that you shouldn't marry for potential.  Our views are so familiar, waiting for them to get better, to be healed, to be okay...Like you, I got to the point where I couldn't wait any longer, either. 
I'm glad you're having moments of joy and a T to help you through.    Thanks for your post.  Hang in there!

Grief is the price we pay for love. You just need time to pass and things will get better.

I read this and maybe it will give you some hope and perspective at the same time.:

When two people are meant to be, nothing and no one can end them. They may get lost a time or two on their journey, but true, real love will always conquer. Nothing can compete with them. Others can only attempt to fill a void. And eventually, the two will be reunited. That is the beauty of true love. You always end up with the right person, at the right time, regardless of any other factor.