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I just reached out to my sister. She’s preoccupied whith her boyfriends kids. My sister is a psychologist. Have I run everyone off? Am that bad?

Care to expand a bit on what is going on for you JNChell?
I am not sure I understand what you are seeking input for.

Sunflower, I’m very glad that you showed up. I’m feeling sad and blown off. I get that my sister has her own life. I think that she and I are drifting. I understand it. We’re adopted. We’re not really drawn to each other. I just wish that she would grow the balls and say so.

Double post Sunflower. I think that my sister is slowly letting me go. She never asks about her nephew. She’s encapsulating herself into another life . I’m good with that. We had a  :cursing: up childhood. If she’s finding her happiness, good stuff. Maybe we’ll reconnect later.

It’s funny. I was hoping to talk to you or Harri. Possibly zachira. People that tell the truth.

 :hi: JNChell. (Yes, I recognize you btw  )

It sounds like you are upset over more than her not being there for you for today.  You reached out to her so I imagine that on some level you want to generally draw closer to your sister?

What happens when you reach out to her?  Is she kinda fading you in the conversations? Not taking the calls?  Taking calls but replying more disinterested?  How long has this been happening?

What does “drifting” look like via your attempts at more meaningful interactions?

The drifting has been happening for a while. I just wish that she would say it. I’m ok with it if she would say it. We make plans to suite the conversation, but we never follow through. Sunflower, I’m glad that you grabbed me tonight. I trust you:

I’m not sure I am much help here actually.  I honestly cannot wrap my head around what the issue is to help you brainstorm options.  I also am not sure what questions to ask to help you delve into things.

Maybe I ramble a bit to see if it helps stir the conversation somewhere clearer...

Partly I wonder if this is a pattern for you...
Like shall you reflect a bit to decide if reaching out and not getting the intimacy returned that you desire is a pattern worth exploring? (Cause that direction could seem compatible with a “learning” section)

Or would you be better off seeking pragmatic solutions to help you and your sister find ways to navigate the interpersonal dynamics that would help find you both more on the same page, or maybe chapter?

Or maybe you need thoughts for working on self regulation and coping with the realities of an unavailable sister?  (Aka Radical Acceptance)

Or there are lots of paths I did not lay here but it could certainly be something else you may need that was not yet stated.

So, yea, ... sorry!

I think that it is a pattern. I’ve been dropping hints to get her to acknowledge her nephew. She won’t. I’m 42, she’s 43 and has always wanted a kid. Is that what is happening?

Sunflower, I have to go bed. Work comes early tomorrow:. Maybe you weren’t going to reply, that’s fine. However, I wanted to wish you and yours a good night. Be well my friend.

Illl stay awake to talk.

I think a lot of folks here likely can relate to reaching out and not getting the intimacy they desire from their efforts.

Since this is the learning section I will speak to that way of organizing thinking...

And since I don’t know exactly what you are wrestling with I’ll ramble on about me in case something may strike a chord for you.

I think that first year after my breakup, my heart and soul felt so raw.  I was not just grieving the loss of this man I loved but so so much more.  I was grieving the loss of how I was oriented in this world... loss of how I defined myself.

Personally I put feelers out to find connections with people in anyway I could.  I began trying to be friendly on social media again and tried speaking to people I hadn’t for years.  

I believe strongly that the break up from my ex triggered early childhood/infant trauma for me.  I had/have attachment issues and the desolution of this relationship reopened old primal wounds for me.  It is not that they were actually ever gone, but my attachment to the ex... caused them to recede in their appearance.

I think though this kinda healing takes time.  I am of the personal opinion it takes at least a full year of seasons as a person needs to experiences the many changes, holidays, etc that can only be experienced living out at least a year of seasons.

It sounds like while you want to have a closer relationship with your sister that you are aware this may not happen.

Imo, the year after such intense relationship break ups it is a good idea to spend lots of time relearning who you are and concentrating efforts on self care above all things.  Self care, meaning... making best friends with yourself... both because learning to do so is so needed now to communicate to your whole being that you love yourself, and also because loving yourself declares you lovable to others who you may be seeking to attract into your life more, including your sister.  Even if she does not forge a better relationship with you, you still have only gained.

I guess I am saying is sometimes it can be best to focus on living life the way you want and enjoy it, then inviting others along with that if they so desire.  Then if they want to join, they can, but if they do not... still seek ways to love the space you are in... even when solo with it.  The words may sound simply yet in practice, imo, self love can be not so simple at all.

Idk, maybe tomorrow others will chime in with useful perspectives.

Hopefully something useful tho!
Sleep well!

Sunflower, you just gave me a whole different way to look at things.

I’m wrestling with my childhood a bit. I’m wrestling with S4’s mom a bit. That’s what I’m wrestling with.

Do you like music?

https://youtu.be/6GkdCiqsFUI (https://youtu.be/6GkdCiqsFUI)

Why drop hints? Why not tell her how you feel? What do you have to lose?

You both grew up in a dysfunctional home.  You both were adopted. Both of those things carry baggage.  You might be doing the best that you can do,  so might she. 

I may be selling her short by saying you'll only get so much blood from a stone, but what if that's all she's capable of giving?  That leaves the ball in your court.

Sunflower, I’d really like to talk more.

I need a minute  on that , Turkish.

Goodnight, Sunflower.

hey there JNChell
This happened with my cousin too, we were very close when we were kids, started to drift about late teenage years and then she got married (quite young actually) and her family and work sort of keeps her too busy to do anything like we used to (hang out, talk about personal stuff, that kind of things)

We drifted apart, but I have never considered it a bad thing, just a thing that happens that does indeed make you think of the good ol' days and how they aren't anymore.

There never was anything "to say", we both know what's up, we joke about it sometimes, the bond is stretched thin maybe but never lost, and that's ok.

Care to talk a bit about this?

there seems to be a thing that having your sister drift apart is making worse, like your ex did a bad thing and you felt rejected, and yet again by your sister's "drifting apart", maybe things may have not gone too well with grocery gal either?

Don't you mean you want to talk to one of the girls? 

It's ok, I'm not saying it's romantic or anything.

Best wishes my friend.

Turkish, I did talk to her. She told me that I’m the only family that she has and that of course she wants to stay connected. Yesterday was a bad day. I can step back and look at it all. I’m glad that you brought the “blood from a stone” analogy and that you pointed out the dynamic that she and I come from. It helps. She’s a good person and is simply trying to find her own happiness. She’s doing well at it. I’m happy for her. Maybe part of me is afraid that she’ll leave me. I love my Sis and I’m proud of her. We’ve been through a lot together. In times like these, I just need to cool my jets and think things through instead of reacting.

Hey, Snap. I have to chalk this up to overreacting. I talked to my Sis and all is well. Mother’s Day was just a tough one. My ex doesn’t really play a part in my thought process anymore. There are fleeting moments of thoughts and memories, but I see it for what it is. Raising a child together, but separately, has spoken volumes to me.

You know, I went into the grocery store on Saturday dead set on asking her out. She wasn’t working.  I was nervous and terrified to put myself out there. I had to pump myself to go in and do it. Maybe it’s better that she was off that day. My approach might’ve been, well, nervous. Maybe this upcoming weekend. I’m definitely asking her out, it’s just a matter of finding the opportunity.

I do benefit from getting feedback from the girls. Their wisdom and support have been very beneficial for me, as has your presence here. You’re a good dude, Snap. I appreciate you reaching out. This is a good place.