BPDFamily.com

Hello hello!

I am so glad I find this forum. We are 3 sisters, my mom and my dad. Except for my dad we all had been told we have “traits” from BPD, however the only one with a formal diagnosis is my middle sister, I am the youngest.
My oldest and I, we both live on our own and have our own families. I live in another country.
My sister with BPD is living still under my parent’s help but on her own. There’s a lot of drama back home, every time my sister has a crisis, there’s a lot going on. I normally stay on my lane and find out after several days what happened. But lately, there’s a lot of drama involved and they call me constantly.
My oldest sister is tired of it, she gets yelled and hurt every time there’s a crisis and my mom always tries to involve her.
I completely understand where my sister is coming from cause these problems happened since we were little and my middle sister was very abusive at times to me too.
My main issue now, is I don’t know what to say. I get calls from everyone and I am really not good at helping. My mom
Is suffering cause my sisters are fighting over this and I am just on the phone listening to everyone.
What’s the right approach?

Hey Browneyed89,

That’s a big opening question. A good question. The answer really depends on so many things, but there are known tools that should help with that. When I first left home, I got daily phone calls from my BPD in hysterics who was always at her “wits ends”. I find using S.E.T. helps, this stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. So by listening it may sooth your BPD, but be careful not to be drawn into the drama and pitted against your sisters etc... A BPD has black and white thinking, so you're either with her or against her. I do remember doing lost of “Oh I know,  really !, You don’t say ?” platitudes that point out you’re listening and being supportive, whilst being truthful. I hope that helps, sometimes context helps encourage a response on here.

Another tool is don't J.A.D.E i.e. justify, argue, defend. Meaning a BPD is looking to kick of an argument, so don't let them. That how to stop the circular arguments where a BPD (who will refuse to accept something) so they just kick off the same sorry old argument until they've worn you down into submission. So if my  BPD said "Don't you agrea with me ?" in stead of saying I don't agree (guaranteeing an argument) you can change the subject or just ask a question back , I tend to use humour, because that always throws my BPD of the track. I hope that helps.

Hi Browneyed89,

So everyone else is trying to suck you into the drama  

You could limit how often you answer the phone (Slow things down/Set a boundary)...maybe answer once a day vs. every time it rings.

You can deflect not just by humor like Happy Chappy (and he's good at it/often cracks me up ), you could also ask questions vs. trying to solve everyone's problem...Really? Why do you think she said that? or What do you think she will do next? or What resources are available?  or What if she doesn't want you to do that?  Basically you are both allowing the person to vent but are putting the problem solving back on them. If you can't think of something to say sometimes I just use "Wow".  Wow, she really did that? said that?

You could also try validating the other person's feelings I'm sorry she said XYZ that must have hurt your feelings which takes me back to asking questions...Why do you think she said that? What did you say?

You can also just be honest and ask them to keep you out of it...Hey mom/sis I'm sorry all of this is going on but I'm really not in a position to help from here, let me know what you work out. (put it back on them)

I also wanted to share information on the Karpman Triangle because I'm hearing a lot of triangulation in your story (link below)...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

The goal is to get off the Triangle.

Glad you've jumped in and joined us  :hi:

Panda39