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Do other people have experience with their significant other arguing with the couples counselor? Is this common? 

It took since September to get her to attend with me, and we have been going since February.  She finally agreed because she wanted a professional to moderate, as she said was sure the therapist would tell me that her behavior was normal for a woman, and that I was overacting (apparently none of my previous girlfriends were women).  In each session she would dominate the discussion with what is wrong with me, and how I make her feel unloved. She started having meltdowns in front of the therapist, and going into attack mode while I was cool as a cucumber. The CC strongly recommended she go to individual therapy and gave her referrals during the first session, but for many reasons, including anxiety about calling until last week.

Each CC session it got worse.  The last two sessions she got in meltdown arguments with the therapist and I became a sad spectator.  She was sure that we were in league against her. The CC was making recommendations for her to go to an individual therapist, and do DBT, but my GF raged at her that it was unfair because I had previously suggested that she and I both learn DBT, and that now I was "getting to win" and "be the hero."  She said that her boyfriend should get to determine her treatment, and the CC was saying "He is not. I'm the professional. I would have told you DBT."   

She had previously thought it was good idea to do DBT and we already went out and got books based on it for us both. I only choose to look up DBT and suggest courses because she got wait listed 3 months for individual therapy and DBT is what all the books we already have are based on.  I chose the book I am reading now to match what she was picking out at the time.  Even so, she now has this idea that her doing DBT, which she chose, is "letting me win."  I'm afraid she is soured on the most effective treatment because it is associated with me, and I'm the enemy.

I'm afraid this is not an uncommon experience for couples' counseling with a pwBPD.

A good counselor's role is going to be to try to improve the relationship by getting the couple to use better tools for communication, mindfulness, time management, or whatever the issues are. The counselor needs to have some level of trust from both parties, so s/he is going to want to avoid taking sides and judging who is "right" as much as possible.

But this only works if both parties are are willing to accept that it's about learning new tools, not airing grievances.

You nailed it on the head.  It's supposed to be about learning communication tools, but she uses the time to hang up dirty laundry like she wants to convince the therapist that I'm at fault.  I think that's the core of DBT right?  It's about communication and can help anybody, regardless of if they have BPD.

The counselor has in my opinion been very impartial and kind.  The meltdowns make it so that the sessions end up being about getting her out of her current spirals, however, which I think makes her feel attacked.  It's much like our regular "arguments."  She is already in the spiral before they begin generally, and then she can't hear a thing I say until she gets out of it.   

This morning she was crying and so I tried to come to hug her, but she reacted with total hostility as if my trying to hug her was an offense.  Other days if I don't come to hug her if she is crying she accuses me of not caring. If I ask her how to best be supportive she won't tell me and will get mad at me for not knowing instinctively.  It feels like all I can do is work on not reacting emotionally.  I don't feel like I ever get to the point where she can hear validation yet. Like all I can do is take shelter for a while.