BPDFamily.com

I am 48 years old and suffering from depression. I have been the focus of my mothers abuse since I was twelve. One of my therapists 10 years ago met my mother and I. Before my next session with the doctor, she called me and informed me that my mother had called her office and left multiple messages about me and what a bad person I am. The doctor told
Me she thought my mother was borderline and she did not want to see my mother again.
Now my mother is attacking my kids and we have to live with her and I feel so unsafe for them. Anytime she can she puts me down to them and tells them she feels bad for them because I am their mother. I happen to be a very dedicated mother with extremely nice children.
My father used to be her focus. He had a stroke in front of her and she never called the ambulance. She called her relative and they picked him up from the floor and when he started to speak a little better my mother made him coffee and went to work as if he didn’t have a stroke. I called her that morning and she did not mention my father falling ill to me. My father was left home alone until 3 pm when my brother was called and he brought my father to doctor who confirmed the stroke. My mother told me when I questioned why she didn’t call an ambulance when the strongest man we have known fell and could not get up she said” your father is too prideful to get in an ambulance.
I can’t move out because I just lost my job. She puts me down every second of the day. I am prettier than her, more educated than her, a finer mother than her and loved by my friends.
She hates me. She buys wigs to make her hair look like mine. She tells me she knows how to love better than me. She tells me she has more God in her than I do.
I even found a diary under her bed about me. She was logging in since I turned thirteen. Every story was about me. What a bad daughter I am to her.
I was actually the achiever in the family. My brother was a drug addict. I was the college grad, accomplished athlete, successful in my employment. Not one story in that diary was about my brother and the hell he put her through.
Both my brother and I were sexually abused as children by outsiders of the family. I was three years old when I was continually violated by a young boy. My brother was seven when he was violated by a different older boy. My mother will only tell me that she hates the boy that violated my brother. She does not mention my experience or the boy that violated me.
I have been in therapy throughout my life. I rage at times. I always lose all of my good energy inside because my mother depletes me all day and goes to everyone I know to say bad things about me.
I need help. I don’t have health insurance. I am reading stop walking on eggshells and am relieved to know that I am not crazy and this abuse is not my fault.
Please share any tips you can on how I can handle her gaslighting me and my kids, her attempts to split me and my kids, her constant picking on me no matter how respectful I am to her. Please help me and my family.

Hi Helpless108  :hi:

The situation you are in with your kids sounds very difficult. I am sorry your mother's behavior is affecting you so and that she is now also targeting your children. Are your kids still little? Have they expressed how they feel about your mother's behavior?

You have just lost your job which unfortunately complicates things further. Even though you are living with her, it is clear that something needs to change here. Putting certain boundaries in place seems advisable to help protect yourself and your kids. Have you ever tried to set and enforce/defend boundaries with your mother before?

You also mention your dad who sadly had a stroke and was just left at home by your mother which is very disturbing. How is your dad now?

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

Hi.  I want to join Kwamina in saying welcome!

I am sorry things are so rough right now and that you experienced and still experience such abuse from your mom. 

Yep, it is not your fault.  None of what happened to you was your fault.  Your mom acting and talking the way she does now is not your fault either. 

In addition to boundaries, which we can help you with, I suggest learning about certain behaviors that are associated with BPD.  Actually, all people do these behaviors, but to a lesser extent than pwBPD.  Learning about Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0) was what helped me the most when I first learned about BPD.  It helped me to see that little of what my mom said and did to me was actually about me, it was all about her and offloading all the difficult feelings she felt and could not cope with.  See what you think of the article and we can talk more about it. 

Depersonalizing the behaviors of your mom will allow you to focus more on responding rather than reacting which will make setting boundaries and self care and taking care of your kids a bit easier.

I hope we hear more from you soon.  In the mean time, settle in, read, post in other threads.  We all support and help each other as we work on recovery.