BPDFamily.com

This is my first post and honestly, at this moment, I feel so upset, sad, confused I’m finding it difficult to put the situation I am presently IN, into...words.  My mind is spinning with so many thoughts, I feel I won’t make any sense in my very 1st post☹️!
I am in another state, traveled over 1,000 miles to visit my son and dil (who is diagnosed with BPD).  All I can say right now is I am so grateful to have found this site!  My dil finally cut the final “thread” that held the “very limited” relationship we’ve had with our son & her since they married 2 years ago.
I was told my husband & I have hurt our son so deeply(?) that it best that we all just take a “break” & hopefully “in time”, their Hurt” will heal & we can all be together again. 
She said such horrible things about me & my husband.  Twisted our words so incredibly...I mean, I cannot find the words for what just happened!  How can someone who says, over & over & over again, how much they LOOVVVE YOU, sit there & bold face LIE, make up twisted, horrible, UNTRUE, stories about us?
I truly feel she has publicly (they left me & my daughter in their house & went to stay at HER parents house w/o even telling us).  Im positive she has told her parents, family all these horrible lies!  The fact that my son is going along with this is beyond DEVASTATING!  I mean he KNOWS me! He knows his father!  These lies are things that neither of us would EVER say or do!  They ate things we would NEVER say or do.  It is not possible based on who we are, who we always were!  Our personalities, morals, values, every part of who we are...the things she has said just make no sense.  It is beyond painful..this entire situation.  Im getting ready to leave (without seeing my son) tomorrow...drive over 1,000 miles home...with the feeling thst I will most likely never be back.
Even sadder, my son & dil are expecting their 1st child this winter.  I already know, based on all I’ve already experienced, that my grandchild will be kept away from my husband & I, with a fierceness worse than any we experienced, with her keeping us from our son.
I hope this post makes “some” sense!  I’m really still learning & am only prepared to READ, understand, LEARN, and mostly, to feel sane & know it is not me or my husband and sadness for allgoing thru this devastating situation, but thankful for the comfort that comes with knowing we are not alone (or crazy)
Thank you for starting this wonderful site.

Hello WoundedWarrior
I am glad to meet you and sorry for the horrible situation that brings you here. You are definitely not alone. Many of us, myself included, have experienced bizarre accusations coming from the people in our lives who have BPD. The best way I can explain it is they feel something overwhelming and don't know how to process it so they look around for a "hook" to hang it on (someone to blame) and that often is us. The other thing people with BPD often do is what some call "black and white thinking" meaning they see people as either all good or all bad, never a mixture. One minute they idealize you and put you up on a pedestal and the next minute they demonize you and swear you are the most evil person ever. It is hard not to take it personally but it really isn't about you. You are just the target. It must have been so heartbreaking to drive away without seeing your son, particularly knowing a grandchild is on the way. The good news is things CAN get better. Lots of us have found that, while we cannot change others, we can change ourselves in ways that lead to improved relationships with out bpd children and in-laws. I hope you will stick around and learn with us. Can you give us an idea about how a typical conversation between you and your DIL goes? Who says what? What happens next? hugs.

P.S. Your post makes perfect sense to me and I suspect to everyone else as well. We have all been there. We get it. You are among friends.

Welcome!

I'm so sorry for what brought you here. Along with many others here, we have, and continue to experience similar behavior from our loved ones, so we can easily sympathize with what you're going through.

FaithHopeLove explained it very well. It's not you, you're just the current target. If you go no contact, it will probably be someone else.

As for your son, some BPDs can be extremely manipulating. I used to say that my ex, even before I found out she was mentally ill, was the best con person I had ever seen. She could sweet talk her way out of just about everything, while throwing multiple family members under the bus. Sadly, my DD16 is starting to show the same abilities.

BTW: Is your dil in treatment? Does your son know that she's BPD? What does he think about it?

Again, welcome to the site, and make sure to take advantage of the lessons, reading materials and book recommendations