BPDFamily.com

The guy she left me for in 2013.

Had lunch after church with her and the kids. Afterwards, she told me she had heard from "your friend." I asked whom she was talking about and she quietly spelled out her husband's name.  My friend, eh? Kind of funny. I haven't talked to him in over a year.  

She hesitated, then showed me a text from him.  She was able to serve him the divorce papers.  He said that "Irreconcilable differences" weren't a valid reason to divorce him.  He pulled The God Card and said that he never cheated on her or hurt her or the kids.  I told her that the latter two points were wrong. I wasn't going to go into the emotional soft stuff, but I reminded her that when he took her phone in the penultimate DV episode, that he committed a felony. She tried to call me for help, to come pick up the kids.  

She responded to him, more God JADE on her side. I barely scanned it. His message said, beyond accusing her of lying to God, "it would be a shame if you lost your house [a subsidized condo] and your job." She wondered if that was a threat.  I told her, after reading it a few times, that I thought it was even though not illegal.  I told her to step back and communicate with BIFF. No link to this board of course.  I told her that engaging in such conversations might lead to a more contentious divorce which would cost more money and pain.

I've written about my issues with detaching from getting engaged in her drama, but her husband has serious control issues, as well as odd thoughts given his brand of Christianity. Our kids are in this dysfunctional soup.  Even if nothing happens to them, if something happens to her, it affects my life.  

Hi Turkish, would it be better to just stay out of it? I know detaching from the ex / the drama can be hard. But politely declining to see text messages and to hear about her divorce, might be better for you, and so for the kids. There are other ways to be there for your them during this.

What do you think?

Hey Turkish, I agree w/Scarlet Phoenix:  Suggest you avoid getting into a triangle with your Ex and her H.  Her divorce is her problem, not yours.  Plus, it's out of your control.  Suggest you stay above the fray.

LJ

Agree...none of your business.

I obviously have an unhealthy fascination with how dysfunctional this turned out. 

 
It's not always easy to keep a healthy distance.

Hey Turkish, I suggest that it's about maintaining healthy boundaries, in order to avoid getting dragged back into the BPD swamp.  It's dangerous in there!  As SP suggests, politely declining to see text messages might be a wise strategy.  It's TMI, in my view.

LJ

That guy's more than a few pups short of a litter.  If there are problems, I'll deal with them when they come. 

Just make sure they are problems that are directly affecting your children...not ANY hint of problems that "rescue" your ex.

You have to let go of your ex's very personal and private dealings. You understand her -- more than she understands herself -- but you cannot be her proxy in dealing with reality. She is going to have to walk this path herself.

I was well into my 40s before I figured it all out, and into my 50s before I finally married my DH.

 Give her time, give her the gift of patience.

But defend your children, above all.

She told me a few years ago that he told her "I should call the cops on you! You'd go to jail and the kids would end up with me! "

Yeah. A few years ago.  That this foolishness is still going on is pathetic. If someone told that to me, they'd be gone.  50s, eh? Then there's hope for me, 48 in a few months 

things ended pretty unfairly to you.

does it feel like vindication on some level?

It stopped being validation a long time ago, because it turned out a lot worse than I prophesied for both of them.  Even though my friends say that this was 90% (or more) her, he was just some desperate younger she seduced. I kind of feel sorry for both of them, and I'm not sure how condescending that sounds, I don't mean it like that.  Any pride I take from validation flew the coop years ago.

S9 told me again last night, "[step dad] is a bad person because he smokes marijuana." Not necessarily, and she shouldn't be telling the kids that.  I told him that, too, in a few more words. "Adult things are adult things." And no, I'm not a burner.