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I spoke with my parents this morning.  They are keeping S8 for almost another month.  I miss the heck out of my little boy, but in a way, this is a good thing. 

It prolongs the talk I have to have with him about me leaving Dad.  It gives me time to really buckle down and work hard to find a better job.  Daycare help is down, I do have to call back and tell the finance department that S8 won't be back until August so I don't get penalized. 

It's a little surreal.  I know there is still a lot of hurt that is hiding out in my mind, but I haven't had a complete breakdown in a week now.  The uncontrollable crying and feeling my heart breaking in pieces.  I feel that what I have been doing has been building my confidence back up.  I still feel that I have such love to give.  My boys, myself, my friends, my family.

I have also found I am more aware of letting go of justifying or excusing my actions.  If I don't message a friend back right away, I don't say sorry.  I say, thank you for reaching out to me or thank you for checking in on me.  I am trying very hard to tell myself, you don't always have to explain yourself to others.  That was always a HUGE thing with my bph, feeling I need to justify my actions even if I missed his phone call.

It’s good that you’re getting a bit more time to get things settled before your older son returns.

And I completely understand the habit of justifying, excusing and explaining one’s actions. I was trained to do this both by BPD mom and first husband. But most other people don’t seem to feel a need to do this. It was shocking when I realized how I felt that I had to be accountable for every minute of my time.

That’s a good epiphany to have had.    And knowing that you don’t have to constantly explain yourself gives you so much more freedom. 

Ah yes.  Life with the self-absorbed.  This was my life for 13 years.  I was always the one off-balance, needing to explain myself or apologize, but never her.  I was wrong to even question her actions.  How could I be so cruel? .

It is refreshing to know that normal people demand so much less of you because they don't expect you to revolve completely around them.  Good on you for recognizing and going with this.

It's a cool fresh breath to realize that.  Still a little hard to break the habit of explaining why I didn't respond right away, why I didn't answer their call right away, why it shows read, but I didn't reply.  I find myself typing out a reason or apologizing and I have to stop and think about what I am saying.

I even messaged my girlfriend and told her... Hey I am feeling anxiety and overwhelmed.  I feel like I want to run and hide today.  She understood and said she feels that way sometimes too.  Was nice to be able to just tell her that and not receive any kind of backlash for whatever stupid reason.

I know today that without a shadow of a doubt, that I will never go back.  My life is the last month has been hectic, busy, hard, lonely, and crushing at times.  But seeing small accomplishments, things slowly come together, and even just the way I feel have made me happier than I have been in a long time.

It must feel nice to be able to be honest with your friend about your feelings and just get support, and no blowback. Even though you’ve got a lot on your plate at the moment with all the transitions you’ve made, you’ve also had time for emotional freedom, to actually feel your feelings and think your own thoughts.

I had a breakdown today.  A short conversation with my stbx.  He awoke some deep emotions.  I was overwhelmed by the amount of hurt and anger I felt towards him.  I cried about what he did and then I ranted to myself, saying I dare him to try me, I dare him to come at, I'll show him.  That being said, I know he is the source of all my channeled emotions of hurt, anger, rage..

The distance and silence from him has given me the chance to reflect on what I want.  I don't talk to him because I feel no love for him anymore.  I could tell him there is no chance and I don't love him, but he won't listen.  My silence, my distance, my guard being up everytime we communicate, me not giving him an inch or even remotely allowing him back in.  I have shut down on my emotions and every attempt he makes to weasel his way back in... Doesn't work.  I am stronger than ever because my love is long gone and never coming back.