Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: evil stepmother on July 10, 2019, 04:03:32 PM

Title: Needing some hope
Post by: evil stepmother on July 10, 2019, 04:03:32 PM
I have never participated in something like this before, but I am at my lowest low and living in a country where mental health services are basically nonexistent. 

Married for 25 years to a wonderful man; stepson is now 36; I am the primary focus of his anger, etc.; always have been.  I am reading the Eggshell book, which is helping, but I am also so sad.  A part of me thought that if we could just make it through childhood, then adolescence, then early adulthood, it would get better.  But it never has; it never does.  It has gotten worse and worse.

We have been to couples counseling 3 different times; it has helped each time in the moment.  We are now living abroad and you'd think that distance would help, but no. 
So basically, I love my husband, but he evades conflict and has never seen his son objectively.  He has accepted help from the counselors we've seen but we are without that service now.  I do not want my marriage to end, but I am so tired.  I am wounded and sad and tired. 

Will it ever get better?  How do I feel good about myself when my stepson hates everything about me?  He just posted a huge email to the entire family about how I ruined his childhood, life, etc.  I feel very pathetic, but I am really in need of some hope.
Thank you. 

Title: Re: Needing some hope
Post by: FaithHopeLove on July 10, 2019, 04:09:52 PM
Hello EvilStepmother which I doubt you are and welcome to the group. Stepmothers are often the target of projection and if your stepson has BPD or symptoms of BPD then projection is part of that too. It sure can put a strain on a marriage. I am sorry your husband isn't ready to face reality yet. Does he realize he may lose you?

Title: Re: Needing some hope
Post by: LoveOnTheRocks on July 10, 2019, 04:17:13 PM
My dear sweet lady, you are anything but an evil stepmother, and I really hope that we can all laugh at how you knew you weren't when you gave yourself that name with this group, because there is one thing we all know is true....YOU do not have a personality disorder, but YOU are trying to love, support, care for and offer yourself (hopefully with boundaries and many more as time goes on) to this person who does have this BPD, which is a personality disorder, and which does manifest itself in very typical ways with many of those who have this disorder.  In other words, you are one of a group of step parents in this forum, and they all experience exactly what you experience...and for good reason....they have a step child in their life who has BPD, just like you.

I am unable to spend much time posting this evening...as a matter of fact, I need to go now, but just signed on to read and lighten the load in my own heart (helps me to read that so many others are dealing with what I have/am, and boy, can BPD hurt those of us who don't have it)....BUT, I could not leave without telling you that you are not THE EVIL step mother....you are the step mother to a person who has a condition that can cause them to behave in some pretty harsh ways....and it can really hurt.

Stick around and read so that you will see how many others experience the exact same things you do...read a lot of the articles so you can get some skills (I sure am)....and know this.....you have every right to be hurt by his actions and I am so glad you've expressed it.  Now...can I give you a cyber hug and tell you that you are not alone and hope will come from your thinking changing, and not likely from this loved one changing a whole lot.....they change in little increments, but around here, we seem to change more....and it does feel better when we do....and that is why I can tell you there is hope for you and for me!!!

Title: Re: Needing some hope
Post by: PeaceMom on July 10, 2019, 07:47:25 PM
Welcome Step,
Faith asks a very good question. It must feel terrible to be bashed like that on a platform that you’re probably better off ignoring. I opt out of social media and I choose not to read emails if they are malicious. There are great articles here about refusing to engage in circular arguments w/PwBPD-they solve nothing and we can’t change their mind’s. It appears they all are very rigid-brained in their thinking.

I agree with LoveOTR, you will find many here that you can relate to and who understand your specific struggles. It’s uncanny the similarities in the plot lines.
Hang in there, breathe and start reading up!

Title: Re: Needing some hope
Post by: evil stepmother on July 13, 2019, 04:13:34 PM
Thank you.

Title: Re: Needing some hope
Post by: Blueskyday on July 13, 2019, 06:32:33 PM
Personally I don't think it does get better. I think it evolves but not positively.

Sure there may be times when it appears to improve but I think once we are demonized the dye is cast. I think they will always fall back into that default perception that we do not have their best interests at heart. I truly believe that is the main issue.When this happens we go back to square one.

You also have the unfortunate role of Stepmother. In the best of circumstances this must be hard.

I am sure like me you are still being blamed for things which happened many years ago. Any faults and flaws you have exaggerated. Any mistakes seen as purposeful attempts to hurt him.

Don't let him ruin your marriage because he will not be there for your husband.