BPDFamily.com

Have had trouble with our daughter in law for many years. She has slowly left us out of their lives and has caused much heartache over nothing. Don't know what to do.

Hi TDD,

How has she cut you out of her and your son's (I'm assuming) lives? Do they have children? What leads you to believe that she has BPD? I hope to hear more and how we can support you. 

*welcome*

Turkish

My daughter in law has not been diagnosed with BPD but she shows all the symptoms. It started when the very first grandchild was born. My husband and I were thrilled with being grandparents and my son has always been extremely close with us and our two other sons. We barely saw our grandchild and if we did we had to plan way ahead of time, be there at a specific time, and definitely don't show up early! I caused a big upset with her because I inadvertently said "MY" in front of my grandchild's name and was told by her NEVER say "MY" and then her name because she is not my child!
     Three more children have come and they are beautiful sweet children. We barely see them. Every year my daughter in law has gotten worse and we are at our wit's end. My son knows she has a problem but is caught in the middle. At this point we just want to support our son and not make matters worse. She has completely cut off our entire family (brothers, uncles, aunts, anyone involved in our son's family). It is beyond sad because I never thought one person could cause so much heartache. We were always such a close family and were so thrilled to welcome my daughter in law and to have grandchildren was a dream come true. That dream has turned into a complete nightmare and I am so very worried for my son and grandchildren. Any suggestions?

Hello TDD and welcome to the group. You have come to the right place for help and support. It sounds like you are in a very difficult position. If you try to intervene at this point it may be seen as meddling and make matters worse. If you do nothing your son and grandchildren may feel you don't support them. There are sadly no easy answers. However I do see some reason for hope in the future. Your son already knows something is wrong and it is likely your grandchildren will one day see it too. Your daughter in law may also realize it on some level which is why she is possessive. There may not be much you can do now but once your grandchildren are older and start to see what is happening I would not be surprised if they came to you for support. Be prepared for that. They will need you. In the meantime do what you are doing. Post here a lot. Read the materials on this website. Really educate yourselves about BPD. That way when the time comes you will know how to help your son and grandchildren. There are other members here who have grandchildren from BPD children and in laws who may have more advice. I am sure they will be along soon.
Hugs
Faith

Dear Faith,
Thank you so much for your response. I will read the books from the website and hopefully try and understand what is going on. It has been such a tough few years, but it feels so much better getting it out in the open. Thank you again for taking the time to reply.
Sincerely,
TDD

Does your son suspect BPD too?

Yes he does. He was the person that suggested I look up this website. I think he is in a no win situation and I am so glad he has this forum to air out his difficulties. He is such a wonderful son that would like nothing better than to have a loving normal relationship with all of his family. Hopefully the BPD family will help him.

TDD

Is it possible for a parent to not know that their child has a problem? My sil (36) has bpd traits and I just wonder whether her parents know this and cover it up or just can't see that she has a problem?

BPD is on the continuum of human behavior, with traits exaggerated to extremes. Some families live for so long with the extremes that it can feel normal, making it hard to see the degree of dysfunction compared to less abusive families.

My husband's family has a history of BPD pathology, as does mine. He can recognize it in his children's mother, yet has a hard time recognizing it in his daughter. Whereas to the rest of us it is clear as day.

I believe both he and BPD D22 are terrified that she carries the same genetics and same expression of those genes as uBPD mother.

It cannot be, so it must be denied, despite overwhelming evidence.

I feel like the parent must know if their child is exhibiting BPD symptoms. My dil's mom is a very nice person, but I think she is afraid to say anything fearing her daughter will shut her out from seeing the grandchildren. One time when I saw her mom she told me she was seeing a therapist to cope with her daughter's behavior. I would love to talk with her Mom to Mom to see if my dil was always like this, but I am afraid it will get back to my dil, and then all hell will break loose. I wouldn't do anything without my son's approval. It is so heartbreaking and the problems between my dil and my husband and I are over nothing. It is so very sad to not know our 4 grandchildren.

With my stepdaughter, I could feel her trying to split her dad and me when we first met. Instead of competing for his attention I applied many of the skills I learned here to my relationship with SD22, focusing on validation and other communication approaches.

Validation is an easy enough skill to understand, much harder to put into practice. Especially because you don't want to validate the invalid, which can be hard with someone who has BPD. Meaning, you find something in what they say that is valid, like how a person would feel in similar circumstances. But you must not validate distortions or perceived slights. A lot comes down to how things are phrased and how you feel when communicating.

I had to work on self-care like it was a full-time job, otherwise I felt resentment when I was outmaneuvered or used or manipulated, not to mention the constant vigilance to make sure my boundaries weren't being rolled over as a matter of course.

Your DIL is probably insecure and self-loathing to a degree that is hard to fathom. My SD is intelligent, capable, talented in so many ways. But she is filled with self-loathing and convinced everyone is mad at her all the time.

These relationships are not just difficult, they are the most difficult. It takes a lot of skill to be in them for the long haul.