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My new husband's ex-wife has been harassing, stalking, slandering, attempting to shame and threatening me for over two years. We just got married in April and then had a backyard ceremony where a friend posted a photo on instagram that she follows. She sent my husband a screenshot of me from the night of our wedding with snarky remarks. That friend blocked her on instagram and that led to an explosion in our friend group which really hurt me. Last night when she dropped her daughter after visitation she sent a text demanding that she be let inside our home and next time will just come inside no matter what. I texted our family counselor the screenshot and she said to answer and say something like we'd love for you to come see our home. We'll let you know when that would be a good time for us. My husband sent that this morning and she replied she would come in if her kids asked her to no matter what next time. What kind of crazy is this and where do we go from here?

Hi Shifty,

Very sorry to hear about all the serious drama going on with the ex-wife of your new husband! When you're just trying to settle down after getting married the (blank) hitting the fan certainly does not help.

The instagram thing is no good. I know from experience with my uBPDw that social media can cause extreme sensitivity to those affected by BPD. My w gets jealous at the drop of a hat if she is not included and that has caused some major family drama that I'm happy to say is finally behind us. She is back on Facebook which is a little alarming but I think she's learned some big lessons along the way. Sorry for the blow up in your friendship group. That can really hit close to home and hurt a lot.

What kind of crazy is this? I don't know if you can call it crazy, exactly, but it sounds like there are some extreme jealousy and resentment at play. She is trying to get back at you, or him or both of you using whatever means necessary. It certainly has some of the hallmarks of BPD - being suspicious, behaving irrationally, and a high level of anger.

Do you know any family friends that practice law or have a lawyer? Get a clear sense of what could happen if she enters your home. Practice empathy when communicating but say what the consequences will be if she does that. "I know you want to come in and you might feel that it would be wrong not to be able to, but I wanted to let you know what might happen if you do".

Hi Shifty,

Great to see you on the boards and welcome to  bpdfamily.

A divorce is clearly an emotional life event and there are many loose nerves which can float around for some time. It's pretty clear regardless of whether or not you/we suspect BPD or any PD for that matter in play that she hasn't moved on from the relationship and still harbours some pretty raw feelings. Remarriage is likely to trigger those feelings significantly and in someone with less emotional control it would inevitably result in some kind of intense feeling.

BPD or no BPD your Husband and his Ex are no longer married. He and you get to choose who enters and who doesn't enter his property. She has no right of access to your property regardless of whether or not her daughter is on the premises (assuming you live in some 'rule of law' developed country). I think the question I would ask myself is, what does she stand to gain from entering the home and what do you stand to gain from her accessing your home? What might happen if she decided to not leave the home? I'm sure she's naturally inquisitive about what the home looks like, see her daughters bedroom etc etc BUT, I suspect it goes deeper than that. She has demonstrated that she does not have your best interest at heart, nor that of your H or that of your marriage... so why expect that she has positive motivations for entering your home and having a tour?

If it were me... I'd think of the outcome which is most preferable... the most preferable is that of minimal conflict whilst asserting clearly and concisely the boundary... literally. Strikes me you have 3 options:

BIFF - Brief Informative Friendly and Firm - "Hi, entering the house does not work for us at this time, maybe some time in the future it will. Regards ShiftyH"

SET - Support Empathy Truth - "Hi, we'd like to help you move past this, we understand that you'd like to see our home and gain comfort as to where our daughter is spending time, that seems like a totally normal thing to do. However we do not feel comfortable with you in our home especially after the threatening messages you sent us last year. Maybe in time that will change but for now you will not pass the front door else we will call the police."

Change drop-off pick-up location to an acceptable safe place. Children handover is regularly a flash point for the continuation of marital conflicts or unresolved emotions. Meeting in a neutral safe place (some people use Churches or even Police Stations for custody exchanges) takes the threat of an abusive person invading the other persons personal space and also means there is NO REASON for them to be anywhere near their property.

Are there any other behaviours that are concerning you at the moment? We'd love to hear more about your experiences and any success stories you have.

Regards

Enabler