BPDFamily.com

... by creating it. I'm speaking of people with traits of BPD.  

I thought about this again when I saw my ex-BIL post and tag his two younger sisters, one of them my ex,  on FB with a comment and a meme, "I admire both of you for being Wonder Women." My ex is a half time single parent like me, and her little sister is full time since her kids' dad is in another state.  

My ex loves this stuff.  She posts narcissistic, self-validating stuff all the time.  I recently friended her after 6 years. The adversity she's overcome, and struggles she's going though (some of which only I know) are all due to her "unwise" decisions. Looking back, this is just like my mother.  

Growing up, we lived on the edge and were periodically homeless... due to her bad decisions.  She named the road on our 25 acres "Bootstrap Way." The metaphor is "pulling one's self up by one's own bootstraps." She lost the property in foreclosure less than 2 years after we moved there,  fleeing a suburban home she lost in a short sale. Multiple county agencies were after her, including the sheriff.  She/ we were victims of an unjust system that she was fighting, being persecuted. Fast forward 2 decades.

Unpaid property taxes she let lapse for years until the county sent a letter telling her the 5 acres was going up for auction, the taxes were a little over $100 per month.  The mortgage was paid off. Even on her fixed income, that didn't justify running up $8k in unpaid taxes. She had no car payments either.  

When she worked out a payment plan, she told me,  "those little old ladies at the county desk root for me every time I show up and say 'you can do it!'"

My mom was motivated by being validated. Validation is acknowledging worth in another person.  My mother had little self worth, so she searched for it, much like she searched for "replacement families," after I left, all of whom were dysfunctional, some very bad.

Creating drama and conflict screams "love me!" Because healthy, everyday transactions aren't validating enough for those who don't feel worthy of love: they need extra attention and validation because they don't have the emotional tools to validate themselves.  

A schoolmate's mother, a teacheronce told me, "your mother frustrates you, but what you don't understand is that we Depressives go into 'survival mode' at certain points, and that's all we see." She was higher functioning than my mother.  I understood what she was saying logically, but it did little to dampen my frustration, and she told me that 20 years before things really got bad.  

With my ex and my mother I see the similarities where both caused drama, yet both took strength by others validating them overcoming adversities, even though those adversities were largely due to their own choices.

A few decades of thinking about it, I still don't understand it. Maybe it's just that I do understand it, yet don't accept it.  

What are your experiences? Thoughts?

I think that is a very astute observation, and my experience is similar. Stbx ubpdh frequently seeks validation for struggling to overcome his trials, which are completely due to his own making. He seeks out people who buy in to his narrative of himself as a person who has made mistakes but is working hard to do the right thing now, and just needs a little help to get on his feet as he struggles to get his life together (insert blather about how much he loves his kids and just wants to be with them). In reality, he repeats the same mistakes over and over which bring the same consequences and outcomes (homelessness, addiction, jail, loss of relationships) and then seeks out new people who will validate his determination to turn his life around... even though there is less turning 180 and more turning in circles.

My sister also seeks validation through struggles if her own making, but in a higher functioning context. She will instigate or create situations in which she can play the selfless martyr, and seek validation for the wonderful self-sacrificing things she is doing, when the reality is that she usually has done something to create the need for someone to save the day and then conveniently shows up in time wearing her superhero cape.

Hi Wolfish :hi:

Yeah, I can relate. Especially the creating your own drama part. Growing up I always felt on edge like I was in a warzone, but the reality is that 95% of the drama was directly caused by my mother, oldest sister and brother. It wasn't done to them, they caused it themselves, so yeah they created the drama.

The only thing they did not create though, was their disorder and it is very clear to me that they are disordered. Them having the disorder is not on them, how they deal with it is on them, but I do also realize that their coping is also influenced by their disorder. They create the drama, yet that behavior does stem from a disorder which they did not create.

The Board Parrot

Turkish,  

This is very familiar to me growing up in an Irish Canadian family.  The women in my family (granny, aunts, my mum)  all took a rureful pride in how they survived violence and alcoholism in their families.  In my own family it was chaotic growing up and I learned to take pride in bringing order and calm to the chaos my parents created.  It was messed up.
 

The family unit adjusts to defend its dynamic, even dysfunctional. Individuals become victims, some more than others, sacrificed upon the altar of The Family.