BPDFamily.com

This topic was split from this thread as it merits its own discussion:
 https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337851.0#top (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337851.0#top)

Hello all,
I too have reached my limit. My BDP daughter has burned all her other bridges, no one will even answer when she calls. Her drama has been going on since she walked out middle of senior year at 18. She in now 34, has a BS and recently a Law degree, but is living in her car at 34. Well, car #3 that we got her finally failed. I am so tired. We have spent a fortune trying to get her on her “feet” to no avail. We rented her a car for 10 days so she can drive for Grubhub. We want to run away. She is not going to change, and as we always worried, she is running out of youth and ability to find a younger guy to attach to. So sick of the histrionics, and the needy calls in the middle of the night because she ran out of gas in another town. I have become and expert at sending cash from Walmart late at night.
My poor husband and I are so done. I am an attorney but have been unable to find any professional help for her. She has no health Insurance, car insurance, no way to get her meds and spends every dime she gets irresponsibly. I would love to find a crisis clinic, but I can’t even find a professional who will take her on. Most counselors don’t want to deal with BPD. Or she manages to convince them to give her more drugs. Hope I am not the only one ready to give up.

Hi,
I am so sad for you.
I too am ready to throw in the towel.
Mine started when she was 10 and shes almost 30!

I am scared it never changes.
You've been through so much. Maybe its time to let go.

Mine brought a baby into the picture who is an angel. As she grows and becomes aware of things seems less light and happy.

Thank God theres not a child.

Your dtr needs you to stop enabling her to be irresponsible. Hard to hear and even harder to put into practice.

Youre not alone

Gas money is pretty much at the bottom of her barrel. What kinds of drugs is she on?  Do you think cutting off the money might result in she not contacting you anymore?  A lot of parents her feel this.  Do you feel that you are at this point?

Hello back to you, Momwhocares

I'm jumping in here to welcome you, too.

You wrote..."She is not going to change..."...and you are probably right.  There is no reason for her to change if all keeps playing out the way it has over the years.  The change has to start with you and your husband. 

So many here (including me) will tell you that they have been frozen with fear when faced with pulling their kid out of one problem or another...fear of what may happen if they don't jump in and try to make things better...and the cycle continues.

Momwhocares, you have certainly come to the right place to get you started into getting empowered to deal with your daughter's BPD behaviours.  Work your way around this site and you will find a treasure trove of information with leads to more.  On top of that, take comfort in knowing that you are not the only one who has shared that they are at the end of their rope and that..."we want to run away." 

You write that you are unable to find a counsellor who wants to deal with someone who has BPD.  Have you and your husband ever considered going to a counsellor for yourselves...someone who is familiar with BPD and can act as a sounding board for you as you put one foot in front of the other towards making changes?

Hope you stick with us...share what is happening on the home front...feel the support of others.  We really do learn from each other here.  There can be better tomorrows...quite possibly not the exact tomorrows of your dreams...but still...they can be better.

Huat

Hi Momwhocares, I too have been jumping in to "help" my BPD daughter 30. Last Thanksgiving she took an overdose after a break up with a physical abuser and was put into into treatment. She than decided after the 30 days of treatment to get back with a former ex. She got pregnant (sigh, I have her her oldest kid). Needless to say it didn't work out for them and he kicked her out.  She luckily found a place at a mental health crisis center and is trying to find housing, it's going to be hard, she has horrible credit. I had to set boundaries with her regarding money a couple of years ago, I cannot afford to pay for housing, fines and cars anymore. (I bought her 3 inexpensive cars over the last 10 years) But yet everyday is phone calls for this or that, "I need lotion" "I need makeup". If she doesn't get what she wants she threatens with  "If I don't  get out of this place I'm going to just leave and be homeless" and mostly it's because of her lack of cigarettes, which she smokes a pack a day.
Last Friday night after a series of dramatic texts for smokes I said "I love you but no". I know it seems small but for 15 years of trying and the 1000's of dollars to help her out of one problem or another, I noticed I was always getting kicked in the head, I finally said no to everything. 
She can see us (she pretty pissed right now)  and I'll included her in family things, but I'm done with anything financial. Something let loose that night, I don't know how to explain it other then it just wasn't working, she obliviously will not learn how to control herself and nothing about her was ever going to change. Oh maybe for a couple of weeks, but in the end I was always back at square one.
I realized was just enabling the behavior. I'm sure I'll still make mistakes, but we have to have to have boundaries or else I believe we'll go insane or become physically ill from stress.
Find a professional to talk too, and read the material they provide on this site and also watch the videos, they will help you communicate with your daughter and find relief.
Remember you are not alone.
My best thoughts and wishes to you and your family.

I am at this point too right now. I just don't have the money and the emotional blackmail to get their way is exhausting me right now. It's money for cigarettes and bus fare so they then can go out to drink with their friends. It's really really hard. I hear you and I feel you. I am trying to shore myself up right now to stay strong in my boundaries and to them leaving Sep 1. I cannot provide anymore resources. I just can't.

And I know it's so hard to not give in and to stay strong. I hear you on that one. I'm there too. 

It's good you reached out to share and talk this through and to be heard that it's okay to do the things you need to do for you. Stay strong and use the resources here and what you have to keep pushing yourself and the boundaries you want and need. You deserve that. So do I.

Take good care in your journey and know you are not alone.

Thanks BlueMoon, it is very hard and it is nice to be able to come here to vent and have people who REALLY do understand. We'll stand strong together because darn it, we deserve a happy, stress free life too, many heart felt hugs to you!

Please keep posting about cutting them off financially. I really need to know what to expect. It appears this population has a very high rate of nicotine addiction -similar to PwBiPolar. I read that nicotine is more addicting than heroin- when they gotta have a smoke, they gotta have a smoke. In their minds it’s paramount. My DD vapes, but it’s the same story as a smoker.

I don’t know why these rehabs don’t treat nicotine addiction as “addiction” and treat our loved ones under the Dual Diagnosis arm? A BPD w/o their cigs acts quite similarly to a hard core addict w/o their drug of choice. Hmmm

They don't treat nicotine as its the least of their problems to be honest..Mine takes or leaves nicotine..Booze is the drug of choice. I found out it used to be cocaine. I am 53 and have never ever taken a drug like Cocaine..It shocks me that a teenager I showed kids in comas having taken an E could snort such a substance ...Truly out of my depth with all this