BPDFamily.com

Hi. I'm new here, and registered tonight because I realized that I needed help.

I am 23 years old, and I graduated college last year. I'm currently living with my family, in a multigenerational household with my parents, my 16-year old sister and my grandfather. My therapist and I agree that this is the best arrangement for me because I have anxiety, and moving out and dealing with financial stress would be the most unhealthy option for me.

But, of course, it's complicated because my mom has BPD.

Most of the time, she's okay. She's very high-functioning. She is my grandfather's caretaker, and she leads a department at work. She loves us a lot, and she's trying really hard.

But sometimes she still hurts us. I guess I don't need to go through the symptoms with y'all.. you know yourselves how this works. Most of the time she's okay, but sometimes she gets hurt and she starts yelling and it's all our fault. Tonight she told my little sister that she's the worst daughter in the world. We were arguing and she said she would push me out the window. She explodes, and she always says that ultimately, it's our fault. And of course, meaningful apologies just don't happen. My dad has been telling me to "be the bigger person" and handle her symptoms since I was nine years old, and it just really wears on you after a while... as you all know.

I imagine it seems kind of silly that I'm still living here, but it really is what my therapist and I decided is best. Most of the time, it's okay. She's a good mom and she cares about us a lot. But sometimes these things happen and they're really hard to deal with. My mom isn't officially diagnosed with BPD. I'm the only one who knows that she has it. My therapist diagnosed me with Complex PTSD (from home life stuff) and explained to me that my mom has BPD. But she doesn't know, and neither do any of my family members.

I'm hoping for advice and support for this situation. How do I keep myself emotionally balanced and okay in this situation? How do I detach myself from my mom's outbursts? And what can I do to help her feel better, and less like I'm hurting her? I know these are big questions, and questions that have already been answered many times before, but I'd appreciate all the words you give me, if you can.

Thank you all. I'm already really grateful to have this place to turn to.

Hi!  Sorry I am late in welcoming you here!  I am glad you posted and are reaching out to talk with others who are in a similar situation.

*welcome*

I don't think it sounds silly you are still living at home.  I am concerned though and I hope we can help you with coping strategies and that the tools for improving your communication (not that you are wrong, just that sometimes we need to change things) will help.

We do not encourage people here to run though some have chosen to cut contact (go no contact or NC) or have limited contact (LC) with their family members.  Do what is right and healthy for you.  We will support you. 

I find the best way to detach and get to the point where you are not so affected by her outbursts is to learn about the disorder so you can understand and de-personalize the behaviors.  Also, learning the communication tools I mentioned like Don't be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) will help a great deal as well.  I am not sure if that is a lesson that you need to learn so please disregard if it does not apply.

Where would you like to start?

hi acousticSR, i want to join Harri and say *welcome*


for starters, experts will tell you that a strong support system is really critical. these kinds of words, whether theyre directed at you, or you witness them being said to your sister, really hurt, especially from a parent. im glad you reached out, youre in good company with people that get it.

you mention that most of the time things are okay, and thats a relief. how often does this sort of thing happen?

acousticSR, just want to check in and first of all, affirm with others that you're not silly for choosing to live with your mom right now. It's what is working best for you right now. When and if you need to make a choice to move out, you may find a little relief, but until then, you're so brave to go to therapy and process these difficult things.

I have kids your age so it hurts me to hear that she's told your sister she's the worst daughter, and told you she'd push you out the window. If nothing else, hopefully this forum will help you see that you're not alone. Others have navigated parents with BPD and have found healing.