BPDFamily.com

My prior thread is here :
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=338369.0;topicseen

So, I am using the tools I'm learning here and things are going remarkably better (at least with my interactions with my BPDD20...and in the fact that I am feeling a LOT better about it all)...but...she is in this "halfway" place and still obsessed with the BF (they've broken up again).  She called Friday night for me to come pick her up.  She had used all the money she had to get them a hotel room (used a night out pass at the halfway house).  They got into a fight at the hotel and were kicked out.  Money spent there lost and he went to his mom's and she didn't want to go back to the halfway house.  I agreed to come get her (gathered my courage, felt you all had given me good skills to try to have a successful spend the night with her, and so I decided to try it).
She stayed with us from Fri. night until curfew Sat. night, and we had NO incidents.  I used my tools learned here.  Dont get me wrong, there were plenty of opportunities to get into stuff, because I really wanted to take issue with her choices/actions/non choices, etc...but I knew better, and left it alone.
For now, I am really trying how to help her engage in her own life and act on the things she talks about...without putting her on the defensive. These are "normal things" parents help their young kids figure out as they transition from living at home to becoming an adult and engaging in a life they manage...but as all of us know, doing this with a bpd teen is NOTHING LIKE doing it with other kids.

Some may know, she went on a mountains vacation with the halfway house ppl Mon-Wed.  She told me she spent Thurs. and Fri. hanging out with the LOSER BF (I don't like him much, but keep it to myself as best I can).  Then Fri. night she was to spend the night with the BF, but they fought, broke up, and she came to my house till late last night.  Here are my issues/concerns:
1) She did NOT call me when she came home.  She didn't call me until she needed me to come pick her up.  This needs to improve.
2) She did NOT come home from vacation and do what she needed to do...which is work on finding a job/getting into military or school...get her life going, in a nutshell.  No...she "hung out" with the BF, who is equally not inspired to get a life.  Instead, the two of them eat and exist on other people's "dime" and accept the unacceptable, because they are not inspired to get a life for themselves...
3) She found out (how many times is this now?) that while the BF was on his facebook page asking another girl out, he was also apologizing to her for the fight. (He forgot to sign out of his facebook on her phone, so she could see what he was doing).  So, she knows this weekend that he isn't faithful...yet, I will have to hear next week that they've gotten back together again, and I am supposed to accept this (which I will, but only for my own sanity, because I have NO control over her choices and decisions, and we have seen these two break up, cheat with other people and get back together a million times).

I was able to do some encouraging over the time we spent together, but this is nothing new.  I dont criticize her, but encourage her to focus on herself...take advantage of the opportunity she has now...remind her how brilliant she is (the girl ridiculously intelligent, but emotionally she is so crippled, that her intelligence can't "save" her). She will succeed when and if she decides that's what she wants to do...

What do I do?...same thread as last time...What do I do from here?

Have you thought about detaching from all her romance drama? Let it be her life and her choice. You don't have to approve or disapprove. This is her journey and hers alone.

Hi Faith:  I can and I will...but, there is a but.  From experience, I have learned that she doesn't focus on herself and her life, and as a result, things blow up in whatever her current situation is, and I am called to be her rescuer.  So, having said that, I am dealing with the fear of the call to come.
I suppose I should live in the day and let it go...hard for me to do in all honesty.  It's fear.  She hasn't called me since Sat., so I don't know if she has taken any steps to take care of herself in meaningful ways...(ie:  job search, etc)...and honestly, the first "free" moment I get, when I am not working on my own life's circumstances, I think of her and my immediate gut reaction is to worry...she hasn't called, and based on history, I am worried she isn't embracing her life and her needs.
I can read what I wrote here and see that I have a lot of "founded" fear...Wish I could have some hope that would come from seeing a change in her actions that signaled me to know things were improving for her.

I know what you mean about founded fear. I have founded fear for my son too. But he will never grow if my husband and I keep rescuing him so we are detaching with love. I highly recommend it for all concerned.