BPDFamily.com

Has anyone experienced a discard “ritual” from a particular pwBPD? Obviously one would have to have been discarded at least a second time or they discarded you and another with whom you later compared notes.

For instance:

The first time my uBPDgf discarded me she sent me a sexy pic in her underwear, she called me sugar and sunshine,  sent me a very romantic song and was very sweet and loving and relationship focused. This occurred over about three days and after a day of no contact when i reached out to see if she was still coming over that night she replied. “I’m not, I think its best if we part ways. Hopefully on good terms. I wish you all the best”

Towards the end of her first recycle of (almost a year to the day of her first discard of me) she sent me the exact same song! She sent me a sexy picture of her in her bra, she started calling me sugar and sunshine, was very sweet and loving and relationship focused. I am not sure if she was planning on dumping me because two days later we got into a fight and I dumped her! I think this threw her for a loop and provided a brief “reset” if you will.

Thought it might be interesting to see if anyone who has been recycled multiple times has encountered this type of “ritual”

I’ve been left 9 times. The last two most recent he said the EXACT same line before dumping me. Both times he was extremely stressed out over work and finances. When I said I struggle to know how to best support him when he felt so stressed out...he replied “I won’t bother you with my problems anymore.”  Then boom “ I don’t want to do this anymore, you’re not good enough for me...click.”  Same stress. Same line. Follow by same insult and dumping.

I was dumped four times. She threatened to dump me on at least another three or four occasions. Each time using a variation of a theme. Usually;

'I can't do this anymore, you have confidence issues, you're not being yourself'

Ironic that she caused the confidence issues. And no matter how hard I tried to say that I was being myself, she seemed convinced that the real me wasn't me. I really despaired. I couldn't be any more genuine.

For me and my ubpdexgf it would be best week or two (romantic, sexy, funny at the same time), then about a week of anxiety, "you don't care about me" and then no contact.

Don't remember exactly how many times it happened like that, about 4 or 5 in two years I think.

BUT!

After starting to date again I noticed it may not be entirely about "the bpd's". It's happened before, in a very similar pattern, with the non-bpd person I've been dating, though its not as extreme, she just "loses interest" for a while, and then it returns and we have some good times again.

So, could we actually separate what part of the "ritual" is bpd and what else is just "regular breakup dynamics" or is "blaming it on the bpd" simply easier for us to process and heal from (no fault of our own if its from something beyond our control right?)

Interesting. My ex has two ways of creating our many break ups. Totally different but each very clear and I eventually always knew what was coming.
He has never been one for emotional or physical displays of affection, well, apart from the first few months. If we started to be comfortably happy, if he called me by the affectionate nickname he had once given me, a hug, an apology, a conversation where he actually listened to my opinion instead of telling me I was wrong, stupid, etc. If he said I love you, very rare, then not long after,  BOOM. His eyes would go dark, flat somehow, his face would change, become a sort of twisted mask, and he would vilify me to the point I would physically end up on my knees, shocked, confused and oh so lonely. I became an object of pure hatred. During my years on here and learning of BPD  I guess it was because he couldn’t handle love, closeness, or attachment. It scared him. He would leave.
The other way was the total opposite but happened more often. I would be put through a week or two of the rudest, nastiest behaviour you could imagine. He would talk to me as if I was something he had scraped off the bottom of his shoe, pick me up on everything I said, argue black was white. Push push push me until i was bursting with unhappiness and grief, demoralised beyond measure and I would explode and it would be me that told him to get out, therefore to him it was my fault. I caused it. And so it went on. Heartbreakingly sad. Impossible to deal with.

Ooops, see below answer, I missed out the important bit. Regardless of which of the two ways the break ups were instigated the line used every time at the end was always. “ you are a liar, sick, mentally ill, you need treatment “

“His eyes would go dark, flat somehow, his face would change, become a sort of twisted mask”

The eyes! I saw this five times in the year I was involved with this upwBPD. It was the creepiest thing. If anyone had ever told me they witnessed this in a person I never would have believed it. Her eyes would flash over dark and you could see instant molten rage and then they would go normal just as quick.

Another thing I noticed and it sounds strange as hell. She used to send me selfies all the time and I swear she had like five different “faces”. I don’t mean looks or expressions. I mean a different face all together. Almost like you wouldn’t recognize her. For example when she was in a picture with her daughter she looked like a sweet innocent young girl in her early twenties.

When she was by her self she looked cold and hard and like a woman in her mid 40’s. She is 34. Her eyes and face change...one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen in my life.

BTW, I pulled the plug for good today. I burned it down after she said she was seeing someone new. After the scorching text I sent there is no going back now.I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I left that train wreck on fire and I’m never looking back...

This was said to me constantly every time we fell out.  That or 'I wish you well'. 

They all follow the same narrative.

Don't be so sure.  I sent many a scathing text when I have got to the end of my tether and thought 'well that's that, he won't ever forgive that'.. yet we always seemed to drift back in contact again.  Saying that, the last text I sent over a month ago was again scathing and I really do believe that's that this time.. 

Yea I think the scathing text was for me to get closure and not text her. After the things I said would be pretty hard for her to reach out and there is no way I will reach out because I would have to do some major a** kissing.

Obviously I can’t control her but I told her I will never contact her again and If I see her I will avoid her and asked her to do the same.

I hear you.  My scathing texts were also to get closure and make sure I never spoke to him again but after a while we got back in contact again.  Problem is the same old keeps repeating and never progresses which ends up in my frustration and then the blow up.  I’ve been 5 weeks NC now.

You were right...

This is unbelievable...

We work together but the company is big enough that we can avoid each other most of the time. She works out of a different building.

I sent the scathing text yesterday.

Today I get a group email inviting me to a baby shower for a co worker who I am friendly with but not friends. On the list were two other ex’s. One official and one she most likely slept with.

This after the scathing text I sent said I would avoid her if I saw her and to please avoid me. If we absolutely had to talk I would be professional and I expected the same from her.

She invites me to a baby shower the next day? What the actual FU**!

 Who does this?

Please tell me no normal person would do this?

Exactly this every time.  Also when he takes selfies during this time I can hardly recognize him.  It is strange and terrifying.

He likes to send me either an email or a text saying "you have FORCED me to be in a relationship with you, you have taken advantage of me, I'm truly happy alone" "I've never had feelings for you".

The last few times have also included, "I just hate you" "This whole relationship has been fake". 

He then runs away to a friend's house for weeks-months.  He also says we need to find a roommate to move into our place with me, but never does.  We've been together for almost 10 years and have lived in three different countries together.  Always almost the same situation, just with different sets of friends.

Yes. And my ex would try to lure me back with sexy pictures, reminders of our past together, etc. It's like they use the same playbook. They will do anything to get attention, especially when they're lonely. No empathy for us. Just what they need at the time they need it. No remorse either. They truly believe they are in the right. Stay strong.