BPDFamily.com

Haven’t posted in a while. I just moved back into the house that I shared with my ubpdxw (she moved out). I got the house in the divorce, which was finalized about a year ago. She had been staying as part of our divorce agreement so she could get on her feet again (I make a lot more money than she does, so I felt that was only fair).

Our relationship post divorce has improved a lot. We can have civil conversations on the phone now but I still have not seen her in person since we were in court for the divorce.

Being in this house again is... difficult. I thought about selling it or renting it out but the timing just wasn’t right financially.

It’s strange/hard seeing certain things... the window blinds that are broken from the time she punched them in a fit of rage and then collapsed onto the floor sobbing uncontrollably and screaming that she didn’t want to live anymore... There are still wedding pictures lying around...

Did anyone here keep their marital home and manage their feelings, or is this a lost cause?

My DH owned his house -- mortgage and title in his name -- and it was his ex who had moved out to live with the latest of her boyfriends. They did not divorce for years after her move (she went through 3-5 boyfriends in the meantime).

When they finally divorced, part of the settlement was the house. DH didn't want to keep it, he was moving to a large city 100 miles away, and the house held a combination of good memories of his children and had memories of his marriage.

I was not married to a man with a PD, but I stayed n the house for 10 years with many more good memories than bad. However, once we split household hoods, I completely refurbished several rooms to "make it my own."

 What would it take for you to really change up the house (interior, exterior) so that you aren't confronted by memories each time you walk in?

I only bought my home to settle down with a family. 3.5 years later, she was gone.  She also left a whole lot of her crap, expecting me to be permanent storage, or not caring as she fled to her new, better life? This was despite having months to prepare. It took me weeks to go through her stuff, returning some to her parents' house in boxes, throwing other things out.  She left her journals which were pretty nutty.

The memories and shock of suddenly being alone were horrible.  I had previously survived fine in a studio for many years and that was enough.  I painted the living room a more mature color, also the master bedroom.  I had an inspiration one day and added an "angry" red accent wall. I didn't do the brag job with that one though the other painting looks good. 

When she comes over an rare occasions, it feels odd, but not as Mich as in the first year or two.  She's coming over Tuesday morning to do our daughter's hair for the first day of school.  I've been here 5 years longer by myself than she was with us.  This is mine. It takes time, but you will get there. 

Thank you so much for the replies... it gives me a lot of hope that you were able to move on.

Gagirl, I have put a lot of thought into that. Definitely the old furniture needs to go... I’ll fix the blinds that were broken etc. maybe painting the place would be a good thing.

I’m definitely putting all of her old stuff in a closet until she comes to claim it. That’s pretty high priority. I saw some of our wedding pictures and that was very difficult... I hope I’m able to move past this and be somewhat happy there.

How long did all of the renovations take you?

About six months. I did renovations in my house a bit at a time, and they weren't structural -- really just decorative. I didn't have a lot of time -- I was working full-time, had a pre-schooler, was going to grad school at night!

Mainly, I bought a few new items of furniture, painted and re-did my bedroom in a calming blue, bought very feminine bedcovers and curtains, and bought a piece of art that had personal meaning to me.

I hope my renovations go that quickly. Mine will be mostly decorative as well.

It’s strange how it’s affecting me... my girlfriend came over yesterday and sat next to me on the couch. She put her hand on my knee just like she normally does when we sit together. All I could think about was how I sat on that couch when I told my ubpdxw that I was leaving her. That was one of the hardest/worst things I’ve ever had to do.

It’s only been a couple of days and I know it will take time, but I do fear that what I feel in those situations will affect my current relationship. Luckily she’s very understanding. I think that intimacy in the house is going to be hard until I get rid of all of the old stuff.

I still live in the house where we lived.  It used to be a bustling hub of family activity and love. Now it's just empty and cold. I haven't been emotionally capable of removing her influence yet. So here I am, stuck with her ghost.
Everywhere I look, every board, every wall, every picture and scratch in the wall, the tiles on the floor I put in for her, the things that got left behind in her haste to run to her replacement  all of it reminds me of what was built here with her and what has been lost to her illness.
It's so cold in here now. I'm just not ready to completely let go of what was felt here.
It's a memorial to the death of my ability to love.
That's what my experience has been. I hope yours is better.