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 Its been a couple weeks since Ive posted. Ive been running non stop trying to beat the insanity in my head. I have been pushing myself way too hard. I can feel myself breaking under the strain, but if I stop or even slow down, thats when it consumes me again.
 Here is a bit of the back story that applies here. 11 years ago I broke my neck and did significant damage to the nerves in my lumbar and thoracic spine. I was disabled completely. I had one functional leg and one arm that barely functioned, the other arm and leg were ok. I stayed paralyzed for almost 6 years. I lived in a chair or my bed that entire time. Back in 2013 I got tired of it and fought back. Between therapy I finally decided to undergo, a ton of pain meds, and a hell of a lot of whiskey and determination I finally taught my leg how to work again. I still have no feeling in it but it works. My arm was a similar story. I worked it until it functioned properly again. I still have a fair bit of pain in both but I can function like a normal human again. Thats the backstory to what Im about to tell you.
In the last couple weeks I havent been able to slow down at all. I dont sleep more than a couple hours most nights, some not at all. Im not eating like I should either. Ive lost almost 40 pounds since she left. I had that heart attack two weeks ago (or was it three?) my memory is terrible these days. And on friday I started a job in construction, going against all medical advice, but i must. I need it for so many reasons. I cant survive on disability, I need the physical exhaustion. I have to occupy as much of my time as possible to stay out of my head. Its dangerous in there.
I am still moving forward in most aspects of my life. My mind is still prone to wandering back to her though. The nights are the hardest. I feel her ghost everywhere. It haunts me every day still. I understand that this will take time and I am being proactive in dealing with it. I am in therapy, I am talking about it. Im doing my best not to isolate and dwell. im trying my best not to beat myself to death. I am an empath, I am an emotionally unlocked man, these things hurt. Ive never experienced anything so traumatic in a relationship as being in love with a borderline. This is going to take time. Im not sure who suffered more damage, me or her?
I figured I should check in, even though things are still a mess.

 

Hi Capn Zed,

So good to ‘ hear’ from you again!  :hug: :hug:
And at the same time, so sorry to hear about your troubles and low mood.

How was your time at your sister? Did you have any chance to relax a bit?

And am worried also, dear CZ, for not sleeping or eating.
Could you please talk about that with your T?

We are here, please keep posting!

A very big healing virtual hug  :hug:

I’d like to add to this, can you talk to your GP or MD? Let them know that you’ve lost weight and that you’re struggling to sleep.

I can understand wanting to feel tired so that you fall asleep. Do you lift? Weight lifting can help you mentally and physically, you’ll sleep better but I would talk to a doctor about working out and get the ok from them beforehand.

when i was going through it, this place was my life line.

why keep to yourself? you dont have to do this alone.

a support group connects us to something bigger than ourselves. reduces feelings of isolation. there are all sorts of significant health benefits.

this is complicated stuff. you can work it all out here. we are listening.

Hi zed,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all of this.  I can relate to running yourself into the ground.  Don't want idle time because that's when the rumination just takes off...the bad feelings, the revisiting old conflicts, everything.

I haven't read up on your story yet, so forgive me if I ask you something that you have already addressed elsewhere.  You said you're in therapy...how long have you been in it, and how often are you able to go?  In very difficult times like this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with increasing that frequency if you are able to do so.


You have been through a lot of trauma (physical as well as emotional).  What you are describing sounds very much like a trauma response.  What does your T say about this?  What are some of the tools and strategies he/she is working with you on?

I will second once removed on this space being a life line.  Regardless of (and in addition to) you work with your T, please post here.  I had so much inside my head before and after my separation from my uBPDxw that it was constantly driving me crazy.  It still does sometimes, and I'm still working through it.  Getting it out somewhere really does help to process it.  Sometimes just relieving the pressure in your mind, and sometimes to help organize thoughts in a way that makes the next session in therapy even more effective.

You have already shown that you can power through some very tough things.  That tells me you really are a fighter.  The irony is that sometimes "fighting" means resting and taking care of yourself.  Hard to do, I know, when the anxiety wakes you up and makes it impossible to go back to sleep.  But keep reminding yourself that you deserve to rest, you deserve to feel better, and you deserve to be happy.

All of us here are on this journey together...some farther along than others, but that's the beauty of this community.  We all have something to offer each other.
 
mw