Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: mom7834 on September 11, 2019, 06:07:44 PM

Title: Detaching with Love?
Post by: mom7834 on September 11, 2019, 06:07:44 PM
I need to remember how to love my daughter. (How odd that sounds!) I feel like I am detaching, but with anger, not love. Please recommend some reading material or your own stories about how you let go of the anger, frustration, resentment, and betrayal you felt because of all the crap that has been unloaded onto you by your darling child.  Thanks in advance <3

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: FaithHopeLove on September 11, 2019, 06:44:36 PM
The thing that helps me detach with love from my BPD addicted son is AlAnon.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: PeaceMom on September 11, 2019, 07:03:15 PM
Reading “Loving someone with BPD” teaches how to separate the disease from the kid. I hate the disease, I love my kid.
Also in this new book I’m reading they talk about the BPD Tiara they wear with 9 different balls on top (I think these are the DSM 9 symptoms) and she teaches how to look at your kid and visualize which ball or balls is acting up.

Sounds like you may be lacking in self care. I know I am today so she will be more likely to trigger me. I’m weak today.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: Huat on September 11, 2019, 10:34:54 PM
Hello Mom7834

I have gone back and read over your previous posts.   Quite a journey you are on and I am so sorry for all your pain.

I'm pretty sure that deep down you love your kid....you just don't like her all the time.  Not odd at all.   Don't attach any guilt to that feeling.

As far as the anger goes.....sometimes it is anger that motivates a person to make changes.  I speak from experience.  Nothing happened overnight for me.  It really was baby steps and that is what it will be like for you.  Setting boundaries can be a difficult task but practice makes perfect.  Well, if not perfect then workable.

Bottom line, Mom7834, is that we really have no control over these wayward kids of ours.  Whatever they decide to do or not to do is their choice and with every choice there are consequences.  It is not always possible to have a safety net in place for them.  Nor is it good for them to rely on that safety net being there either.

I have always been thankful that I found this community.  I needed to be heard.  I needed to be validated.  I needed to know that there were other parents fighting similar battles.  I needed to hear that first and foremost I had to look after myself.  Keep doing those little things that bring sunshine into your life.

Keep sharing, Mom7834.  The support is here for you.


Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: wendydarling on September 12, 2019, 07:16:38 AM
Hi Mom7834

how you let go of the anger, frustration, resentment, and betrayal you felt because of all the crap that has been unloaded onto you by your darling child.
I wonder if this may help you work through your feelings, as Huat says anger is a motivator for change :hug: can you identify where you are in the grieving process? It really helps to write it down Mom, I encourage others to join too. Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329757.msg13006532)

And here members share, explore Detaching with Love, their experience of the process, what helped them, their struggles..What it means to Detach With Love (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318951.0)

I read your update, in another thread. I'm sorry your DD is back in rehab, then again she's having another go and that is what it's all been about for my DD, determination, I got out of her way. I hear you are truly exhausted and can well understand staying in bed, knowing your DD is safe, despite running off. What's been happening? Can you share what crap your DD piling on you?


Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: mom7834 on September 12, 2019, 06:56:54 PM
I've been angry for the last month. When my daughter was in drug rehab in June, I wrote to her every single day, letters, cards of encouragement and support, pictures, quotes, magazine articles...but in this last go-around, I can barely bring myself to send a card. I was frustrated because after rehab she continued to make bad choices (friends, drugs). I was nervous all the time, worried that the cops would show up at my door. Fearful for her death. I was mad at her for throwing away everything that she had worked towards all her life (finishing college, a degree). Her loser friends were always more important than anything. She dismissed me and her sister.  And don't even get me started on financials. Broken promises, lies. I felt betrayed and used. I felt like I didn't even know this child. How can I send a card and sign it "Love, Mom"? This isn't the kid I raised. And I couldn't shake it. I couldn't let go of the bad feelings.
Yesterday we had a phone conference with her, her therapist and my other daughter and I let everything out. I wanted to let her know how we felt. She is able to let discuss her feelings in therapy, fueling her need for everything to be all about her, yet we walk on eggshells with fear that we will trigger a melt-down or suicide threat. Yes, she hung up, and then came back but chose not to participate in the conversation. The therapist was good, throughout - restating some of my words and validating our feelings, but I had to let everything out and while productive, it didn't end well.
Today, and after posting and reading here, I have let go of my anger and I'm committing my support to her in every way I can - well, except financially...that well has run dry! Here is the letter I drafted to send to her. I'd appreciate any comments - you know how when you compose a letter it doesn't always read the way you intend? Tell me if you thin I need to change anything to make it more clear.  I think a lot of you have the same feelings. BTW, she is (was) an art major, ...pottery references

My dear precious child,
I love you, K.
Well, the phone conference didn’t work out as well as we hoped.  I take responsibility for my part in causing and allowing things to escalate, and I apologize for not choosing my words more carefully. I’m sorry that some of the things I said made you feel bad about yourself or angered you. I was hurt and angry too. But I’m glad I finally got it out rather than letting it fester. Now, hopefully, I can put those bad feelings behind me and be more supportive of you and your journey to wellness. As far as referring to the “old K” and things like that, I realize that we can’t waste time looking back. We have to look forward. It’s tough because the path isn’t clear and it looks like there may be more detours along the way than I expected. But the end goal is the same. Parents will always say, “I just want my kids to be happy.” So, maybe the definition for what happiness and success are have changed. Celebrating different kinds of accomplishments. Not old or new K, but a version of you that encompasses everything – like the gold-filled cracks in the kintsugi pottery. As long as those cracks stay mended and the vessel can hold water, it can fulfill its intended purpose. The gold is not superficial or ornamental, it is functional. I hope you can understand that. You know I like to use analogies and imagery, but I’m not really good at it.  What I’m saying is, you can’t let your diseases define you. When you take the time and effort to carefully mend your cracks, you will make yourself stronger. You are working to heal yourself and to become a better you. And if you spring a leak, you know that you have the ability to patch it, and continue to be a whole, wonderful, worth-while person.  Yes, K, I am proud of you that you are taking steps to make yourself better. I love you and I’m here for you. I might not always say what you want to hear, or give you everything you ask for, and I will probably lose my patience and at times say exactly the wrong thing. It’s a learning process for me too, so you will also have to be patient and tolerant.  I’m not mad anymore. If you feel you need to hold onto your anger for a while longer, that’s okay. When you are ready to talk I’ll be here.  I love you.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: mom7834 on September 12, 2019, 09:21:08 PM
I changed some words and switched some sentences around to make it clearer. I think I'm going to send it.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: FaithHopeLove on September 13, 2019, 12:33:38 AM
I think it is a beautiful letter, honest and heartfelt. You are encouraging her without making unrealistic demands. Most importantly you are accepting and validating.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: nonbordermom11 on September 13, 2019, 05:05:38 AM
Beautiful letter...I like that while you clearly state you love her and are there for her, the ball is in her court to take control of her life and decisions. I keep reading that they have to make these changes, we can only sit on the sidelines for the most part and encourage and support them. I see this more and more with my daughter who makes a great effort to see her therapist and make changes, then flipping out the next day. I try to limit the rant sessions, give her a couple minutes to let it out then when she starts repeating and escalating try and steer the convo another way. Not easy...always with a hang up on her part. I'm getting a little better at not letting it affect me so much.

I still believe we are their first teachers...if we allow bad behavior, disrespect, blaming...they will think this is ok with  other relationships. It's setting them up for more failure. I still struggle with this.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: Miserable Mom on September 18, 2019, 06:08:24 AM
Hello. My daughter asked me to order her a book while inpatient last week on BPD! Wow. Huge. I am half way through it myself and highly recommend "get me out of here" My recovery from BPD by rachel reiland. She has transferred to her first residential treatment facility with intensive DBT at age 17.

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: Resiliant on September 18, 2019, 07:22:25 AM
Hi Mom7834,   I read your letter and it brought me to tears.   You may feel like your anger is taking over your love but the love shines through in your letter.  Whether or not your daughter will get the same message from it is hard to say, it can be so difficult to get through to our kids sometimes.  Peacemom mentioned a book that I think could be the same book I read.  It is by Valerie Porr and called "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change".   I didn't even know what BPD was until I read this book and that was my AHA moment.  Valerie helps us go from anger to compassion.  If you're interested it's been very valuable to me.   :hug:

Title: Re: Detaching with Love?
Post by: wendydarling on September 19, 2019, 08:31:57 AM
Hi Mom7834

I too think that is an honest, beautiful letter you wrote to your DD. I like how you share it is a learning process for you too, cos boy it is, many heads a nodding with you here Mom.

Mom, what kind of therapy is your DD receiving, I can't recall you having family therapy last time? Despite it's challenges, it sounds a positive step to get on the same page  |iiii

How are you Mom?