BPDFamily.com

My dd, age 19, is tentative BPD, co-morbid depression and anxiety and we have had a volatile relationship but we always recover, share "I love you", hugs; she relies on me generally.  She knows that she struggles and doesn't always want my over-involvement but struggles with maturity vs impulsiveness, unsafe, risky behaviours; typical issues.  We moved from a large city due to unsafe behaviours, which had led to stressful impact on both of us and she has done better here for 2 years; age of majority is 16 here.

She has had 2 relationships here; one she acknowledged was emotionally abusive and overall was not compatible and with my encouragement/support came to realize and broke it off after six months.  Immediately into a new relationship with a decent young man, though he struggled with some anxiety over her free choices and she ended it after 9 months in July for one incompatibility issue but it was a relatively stable situation. 

There was much pressure also into July as she needed to finish school to proceed with university goals; and I was over-involved to ensure its happening.  She has thanked me for my push to her success, but it impacted our relationship, and school pressure was at same time of conclusion of her relationship.  We have always recovered, until now.   She spent time with a male friend, staying at his home periodically at end of July (who I think is a negative influence). 

We went on a pre-planned holiday in August and it truly was a beneficial time for both of us; she enjoyed it tremendously and was a delight. She started university within several days of return, and suddenly disappeared to the male friend's house.  She has now been there for 2 weeks, refuses most meaningful communication, off medication, but sends small photos and texts to keep in touch.  None of her usual, I  miss you, I love you and back home in 2-3 days max.  She dropped out of one class, about to drop from university altogether. Might have been successful if on meds and at home.   Has been spending brief time with a/n former BF that was emotionally abusive.  She really only has the male friend and this ex-BF in town to socialize with; bored on her own at friend's house, I think.  Ex-BF has not moved on and has said he would wait forever for her return; tries tp get her back. 

She has finally agreed to meet with me tomorrow to discuss options, other than university.   Agreed to start medication today as she was having adverse symptoms.  My priority would be her return home to more emotional stability, financial stability, more adult freedom since pre-req school is finished; dropping university.  This departure was so sudden after a great holiday, only saying that I promised her freedom after school finished but then didn't as I had to stay on her to finish university readiness; 2 more tasks and then would have been done.   My question or need for support from this forum is how to approach her so that she sees me again as her ally, that supportive home environment better for adult readiness.  Yes, she is 19 but her life skills are more like 15-16 years.  She has said this is a break, maybe a month, but she does say what I want to hear sometimes. I have told her that the door is open for her return anytime.  Not sure if lack of meds making her unapproachable but I could use some guidance to have the right conversation to bring her safely home again.  Thanks.

Hi SunBreeze,
You are in the right place.  I am sure many others will chime in, but I will commiserate with you in that communicating with a BPD child is fraught with drama.   You can state to her what you told us in your post.  Assure her you love her and have her best interests at heart , but I think the main thing is for you to also have lowered expectations and have empathy.  There is a 50% chance that no matter what you say, her mind may be made up .  She may be dysregulating since you've stated she has stopped meds.   Don't allow yourself to get into a circular argument with her ( they spin around and around verbally slinging insults).  Have you read the JADE readings and SET on this website?( under the tools tab above). 

Hi SunBreeze

I echo Swimmy go with no expectations, come home with no expectations. Use your listening skills, allow the space between you, for her to share.


Be prepared she may turn up not agreeing to what you think she may have prior agreed with you. Let your DD lead, let her try to work out what's best for her, that's how she'll learn and take on responsibility and grow. She'll know you are there when she needs your support.

It's hard letting go, it is how they grow.

WDx

Hello Sunbreeze
I join Swimmy in welcoming you to the group. This is the right place to get help and support. I am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter. Maybe this article will help you improve your communication with her. It is about what we call SET which stands for support, empathy, and truth. See what you think.  SET  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)
Hugs
Faith