Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: Janytao on September 12, 2019, 09:25:00 AM

Title: Feeling very broken
Post by: Janytao on September 12, 2019, 09:25:00 AM
New here... my daughter 24 is a good on paper child...capable college educated ect. My relationship with her has always been difficult due to her verbal , emotional abuse but since the birth of her daughter ....heartbreaking.  I don’t even know where to start....the new baby is an additional way to punish me.  She is abusive verbally and emotionally to her husband ( maybe because he and I are the safest?). the lying the cruel behavior.  I have tried my best to be a good mother and I am just feeling so broken.  Her dad and I are divorced he doesn’t get treated this way.  Sorry if I am not making much sense but I am really exhausted and sad. My daughter is my everything and is my only child. The lying ..... it’s so bad and over stupid stuff.   I am either a saint or a horrible person in her eyes.

Title: Re: Feeling very broken
Post by: FaithHopeLove on September 12, 2019, 09:59:30 AM
Hello Janytao
You are making perfect sense and you are not alone. You are probably right that you and her husband are safe targets for her to unload all her bad feelings onto. I am sorry she is also using your innocent grandchild as a weapon. That is rough. There are other grandparents here in similar situations. I am sure they will soon be along to offer their advice. You are a good mother. If you weren't you would not be here. Has your daughter been diagnosed with BPD? What else are you comfortable sharing with us? We are here for you. You are not alone.

Title: Re: Feeling very broken
Post by: Janytao on September 12, 2019, 10:10:31 AM
Thank you faith.  She has not officially been diagnosed as she is not willing to go to a doctor.  I have a psychiatrist and other  other professionals state her behavior is pretty on point.  I just feel like “don’t ever say anything to upset her “ but even that doesn’t help.  I am not perfect but I really try. If I pay attention to my granddaughter I am trying to be her mom it’s honestly soooo frustrating. I have to jump through hoops to see her child  and do without complaint but I still get the “tear down”  from her.  The lying is just crazy!  It doesn’t even make any sense so it makes me question my own sanity.  My mother in law saw a big fit a week ago and was stunned . 

Title: Re: Feeling very broken
Post by: FaithHopeLove on September 12, 2019, 10:30:30 AM
Communicating with people who have BPD or BPD traits is very challenging. One of the first lessons I learned in discovering how to talk with my BPD son was validation. Here is a great article that explains what that means. It helped me a lot. Maybe it will help you too.  Don't Be Invalidating  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) Notice you do not need to "validate the invalid" to do this. Just acknowledge the feelings they have.

Title: Re: Feeling very broken
Post by: Huat on September 12, 2019, 12:02:33 PM
Hello Janytao

I am one of those other grandparents FaithHopeLove told you would be along soon.  :hi:

The words you wrote...."My daughter is my everything....".....jumped out at me.  As long as you think that way it will be difficult for you to find the joy in life that you deserve.  Life is so multi-faceted and there is nothing that should be one's main focus for happiness.

Our daughter gave birth to the 2 most beautiful grandchildren grandparents could have.  Sadly for them and for us, they became her trump cards.  I certainly hope that doesn't happen with you....and possibly it won't if you start taking steps now in dealing differently with your daughter and her BPD-type behaviours.

I continue to hear from this difficult child of mine what a bad mother I have been.  The difference now is that I don't buy into it.  As long as I did, she was the bully and I was the victim.

The thing is, Janytao, your daughter is not going to change.  Why should she?  It is going to be up to you to break the circle of dysfunction that has been happening.  

Keep sharing....keep learning.....so much to get from this website with links to more.  

Glad you are here, Janytao!

Huat   ; )

Title: Re: Feeling very broken
Post by: Janytao on September 12, 2019, 12:17:00 PM
Haut, thank you yes I understand the trump card....she is already using the baby to pay me back ect. I do need to set boundaries as the abuse is too much.  The thing is now I am afraid of not seeing my granddaughter.  If I do try to talk to her it is turned around on me .  Idk I am very down today about this and I am angry at myself for letting her get away with the dishonesty and everything else.  I didn’t really realize that her using my cc without authorization ect is stealing.  I know I sound like an idiot,but it has just went on for so long .... I confronted her about the lying yesterday and I was woke up to a verbal attack.  She said I am trying to be the victim.  Again thank you